Still, you sound more focused today. Sleep can perform miracles on the psyche. Try to remember how you wound your day down yesterday, and attempt to repeat it.

I think we are all heavily infused with a dose of reality, as the BS, so I don't think you need to focus too much on the obvious. Just get ready for Plan B. There is solace there.

Your WH will have to struggle with his R with his DD on his own. You CANNOT make the changes for them. Your DD feels the way she does due to your WH's actions and decisions. He may not hear you or refuse to see the truth, but you can still STATE it. "WH, you must continue to work things out with your DD, as I control no aspect of her pain. You must learn how to relate to her." or something like that....

Silent,

I am much more focused today. And I know it's getting a good nights rest. I really didn't do anything differently last night... I was just so physically exhausted.

My WH does own his relationship with DD, and I will keep telling him that. He needs to act like the adult here. She's only 16 he's 45. He has a hard time when things don't go his way. He says it's not fair... yes I don't think it's fair either what we are going through. He had the choice.... we didn't. He really thinks that we should be over the A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

When I see him I just want to shake him and say look around you.... loook at all the destruction you left. Don't you see we miss you, we need you. This isn't all about just you.

I love the man but I really HATE what he is doing.

Still

Still,

I've been following your situation a bit. I too would rather not go ahead with the D, even though I was the one to file, I have always said I was a bit hasty, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do. I filed after I found out about the A and WH and OW were living together.

We go to court in 3 weeks. It should be over then. WH's lawyer asked him if he wanted to reconcile with me. He said no, so I guess there's not much more I can do.

I know Mimi tells me never to assume, but I have to assume he and OW are happy together. They've been living together almost a year now. Never thought it would last as OW is 17 years younger, but I guess it is.

My WH has never admitted to the A. Says they are just roomies living together.

I so empathize with you. Can't WH see the destruction he's doing to his family? We had family counseling a few months ago. DS was sobbing. WH just sat there. He is selfish, it is all about him, yet he doesn't seem to care. As long as he's happy.

I'm in plan B, sometimes I wonder why. I still think about WH all the time. Trying so hard not to, but can't get out of my mind what could have been and the life we could have had as a family if he didn't do this. I was more than willing to try and work things out.

He came to pick up the kids a few days ago to take them out to Burger King. DS invited him in. I did not know, I was in the bathroom. I came out and WH was standing in the kitchen. (I need to remind DS not to do that unless I am there).So much for plan B that day! Anyway, WH asked me if he could bring me something back from Burger King. Why is he being nice now?

He gives me these signals, it just confuses me.

Then I get a letter from my lawyer today stating that WH wants such and such from the house when we D.

People tell me WH is confused and still doesn't know what he wants.

Will he ever?!

Cat,

Hi, I remember reading some of your situation... not sure here or onn DD board. My WH seems to not want to hold off... he was giving me mixed signals prior to our mediation.

I truly don't want this divorce... I also don't want the M that we had near the end. I do believe if we both worked on it it could be wonderful. That's the caveat we both need to work on it and he's just not there.

My WH isn't living with MOW at least not yet. Of hr does our DD's will have nothing to do with him and have already told hiim such. My DS is so easy going that he won't cause waves. I don't see that happening as my WH GF has a track record of not staying in relationships long and I've heard boredom is setting in.

How long have you been in Plan B ? And did your attorney mention about a letter not being good ?

You may want to call on Silentlucidity she said it took her a month or 2 to get to where she felt at peace. I know once I enter Plan B I will still keep wondering, hopefully not seeing him will help.

He's probably being nice to you so you can be "friends" again. It would make it much easier on him if you would just accept the facts. Alot of selfish reasons. He probably isn't doing it for you, he's doing it to relieve the guilt a little.

Wh just picked up DS....do they really ever think? We are suppose to be getting a big storm during the night. He mentioned having our DD drive out to pick up DS if there is no school. He lives on a camp road that usually doesn't get plowed. She's driving a little car. YOOHOO if there is no school it's because the roads are bad. Also mentioned he didn't sleep real well last night.... maybe that's why I slept so well

Still


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still,

I hear ya about not wanting the D. I believe with all of my heart that me and WH could make this work, and have a better M than before. He wants nothing to do of it. I truly think he loves the single life...no kids, grass to cut etc. I can't make him love me or want me. Believe me, I have tried!!

My DD isn't thrilled he's living with OW,old enough to be his daughter, but DD sees him at visitation. I think she has lost respect for him though. She's old enough to know what is going on.

My DS is young, he knows dad is living with another woman, but doesn't really understand. He still looks at WH as Superdad!

I haven't been doing a great plan B. Probably about a month. I was in one and then had to see WH at an event, blew that. Then with going to court lately, WH is there. It seems like when I think I'm doing well and going dark, something comes up...kid's school events, court etc. and I blow it!

I did tell WH when he was here the other day to just beep the horn and the kids will come out. (I told him that before, but he insists on coming to the door). I told him we will NOT be friends when this is over. He said... fine!

I sent my WH the Plan B letter. Did not tell my lawyer.

My IC tells me to work on me, take time for me. Not to be mean, but I'm so sick of hearing that! I KNOW what I'm "supposed" to do, just am not there yet. Don't know when I ever will be. Just when I think I'm doing well, something happens and I start crying etc, all over again. I'm on AD's, but don't think they are working. My Dr. does not want to up the dose right now.

As sick as this sounds, I know me, and once the D is over in a few weeks, I'll still be pining for him!

When will "I" wake up?!

[color:"red"] Cat [/color]



you will be pining for the man he no longer is .... this cold cruel person he is today shall not be missed

hurting

it sounds like you've got a plan!

did you hear anything helpful on the radio show?

Cat I think Pep is right the man you would be pining foer isn't there anymore. Our H in a different body.

Believe me I understand.... I do here with time it gets better.

How old are your children? MY H doesn't even realize what he will be losing.
Right now all he cares about is him. And his GF. At least that's what it seems like.

I'm lucky in a sense because I know my DD's won't be forced to visit him if he decides to live with MOW. But my DS may be. You can't force a 19 and 16 year old to do much.

The problems you're running into in Plan B are one's that I'm concerned with. Sporting events for the kids. What I'm planning on doing is enjoying myself and staying as far away as possible from him. At this point he wouldn't care he doesn't want me near him.

It doesn't sounf sick to still pine for him... you need to greave the loss of the man he WAS. He isn't that right now. Continue in Plan B and the IC.
Has your physician thought about adding another AD since they don't want to up the dose? I'm taking 2 right now. And I notice a difference if I don't take it.

Keep your head up Cat and we can help each other through this.

Still

Eve,

Does the plan sound okay?

I got an e-mail back from Joyce and they will probably be live tomorrow. I'm working tomorrow. So I'm e-mailing her back that I will try on Monday. That way I can really think about what I want to ask them,

I just would love to be able to have one of them talk to my WH.... but that would be next to impossible. This whole week he has been the alien.

I saw your Plan B letter on Sis' thread it was a beautiful letter. I showed the letter I'm working on to a good friend tonight and she thought it was very heart felt. Then she said it's over after that right. She doesn't want me to be hurt anymore. I told her I didn't want who is he right now to come back... if he would show that he was willing to work on it then yes I would.

Still

Yes, I do agree with Pep. She is right. I will be pining for my H, not my WH.

It's just when he asked me if I wanted anything from Burger King the other day, I saw a glimpse of what he used to be.

How can someone change like that and just disregard everyone and everything?

Yeah I know it's called being self centered, but he never used to be like this.

My kids are 17 and 9.

I refuse to call OW his GF. She is his wh$re or mistress. I NEVER refer to her as anything else.

I tried to get my lawyer to put that in the D papers, but my lawyer said the courts don't look highly on OW being named "mistress". Can you believe that? It's like they condone this behavior! So my lawyer had to put GF. I made sure WH was charged with adultery and his mistress named by name. Not that that will do anything, but it makes me feel better though that her name is now in the court records.

See that's the confusing thing with me. It's like WH has no problem being near me. Insists on coming to the door to get the kids, when I told him to just beep etc. He even wanted to go to the PTA meeting with me the other night! DS was sick, so I couldn't go anyway.

I didn't know you could take 2 AD's at the same time. I will have to call him and ask.

Thanks, I'll need all the help I can get right now. Some days I think I am doing so well, and then I fall apart!

hey cat

i also call OW "the wh*re"

hey! maybe it's the same woman!

Ya never know! I'm sure she gets around!!!

But then aren't all OW called that? No one with morals would ever go after a married man and destroy a family.

so they are ALL the same woman......

at least on the inside

I'd say so...

Cat,

Been at work all day. I agree it is very hard when we see glimpses of H. That's what really makes it hard for me. It makes me miss him even more.

In my state we can file on the grounds of adultry... I really wanted to do that. The first attorney I consulted told me she wouldn't do it. This same attorney didn't think I should of told OWH... she said I would break up thier M. Striaght from the WS fog speak. The attorney I have now told me the courts really frown on this. I still wish I did. Altough if the D does happen when we go before the judge I can say my reason for filing and believe adultry is going to be named.

I don't understand the selfishness either. My WH has become cruel... and I don't like him. I still love him but I don't like him.

I too used to call the MOW Wh**e,, because that is exatly what she is. And you know if he wants to choose a wh**e over me then he doesn't deserve me.

Still

My attorney did not want to include adultery in the D papers either. In my state they have a no fault law, so you don't have to prove anything. Just say the marriage has broken down.

I insisted to my lawyer that adultery be added. I was ADAMANT. My lawyer said it looks vengeful. I said I don't care. WH had done it, I want it to be known. It is #2 under the grounds. #1 is irretrievable breakdown.

I also named OW by name, in the papers, saying I did not want her around my kids. My lawyer did say to me that the courts do frown on this, naming people, putting adultery etc. As I said it really doesn't matter here why you want a D, which I think is crazy. I want the courts to know why I filed. It really pi$$es me off that courts "frown" on adultery being named. Like they approve of it or something!

I just posted in Lucyloo's thread about children and overnights. Another thing I think is crazy in this state!

That's exactly what I was told that the judges look at it as being vengeful.

Like it not vengful the my H is sleeping with someone elses wife.
I wish I would have done that... but I can't go abck and change it. We also have no fault D in this state.

That's what really frys my a$$ (excuse mt french) that adultry is almost made to seem acceptable. It's not acceptable. It destroys families.

I feel for the daughter of the MOW how many men is she going to see her mother go through by the time she is a teenager?

What makes me the angriest is the fact that they destroyed 2 families for thier won selfishness. Do they ever wake up.

Still

I ask myself the same question EVERYDAY. Will WH EVER wake up and see how he has destroyed his family??? Never in a million years did I ever think he could/would do this to us.

I was willing to work on the M, he didn't want to. Then he should have left and gotten D'd, not had an A. That would have been much easier, I think.

Oh I forgot, they are just roomies, he still hasn't admitted to me or anyone else I know, that he is having an A! Can you believe it?

People tell me he will wake up one day, but then it will be too late.

I wish OW would leave him and have him see what it's like.

O.K. so now I am being vengeful, but he has hurt me and the kids so much , I wonder if he even realizes it. I doubt it.

Cat,

I understand completely... I want my WH to be CRUSHED by MOW. I want him to hurt like he has hurt me... like he has hurt his children.

When I filed he was angry because I got attorney's involved. I told him this is what he wanted. I asked him why didn;'t he tell me about the A. He told me how do you tell your wife of 22 years that you're having a affair? I said judt like that.

I also told him why didn't he just ask for a D before starting this R. That yes it would hurt that he wanted a D. But his way just rips out my heart. You knew how much the first one hurt me. (I was suicidal).
He doesn't have any answers besides it just happened.

Oh if I could tell you all the stuff and justifications it is unbelievable. I'm sure we have all heard all of this.

Adultry just stinks. I know this relationship with MOW isn't going to last. She is already getting bored. He's 45 she's 29. My IC thinks my WH is just going to go from relationship to relationship. Isn't that sad.

Still

My WH's OW is 17 years younger.

She just got D'd from her H a few months ago.

I have no idea if she is getting bored or not. I doubt it. They just moved recently and signed a 1 year lease.

Sad to say, even though everyone is saying otherwise, I believe this will last. OW is giving WH the attention he wants and he loves it. He's not one to jump from person to person. But who knows anymore?!