Well up again...

Keep using the stop sign method of getting Wh and his ho out of my head. Keep thinking that they are probably together tonight. Saying prayers and it's not helping.

In some ways I wonder if it would be easier if they did live together because I would know that they were together all the time. But no I don't want my DS exposed to her, at least not yet.

I keep reminding myself that everything between them isn't probably perfect. Thinking when we would talk about first OW he would say how they would have screaming fights over the phone. And this has been going on a whole lot longer than that one.

Thought about giving him the letter tonight when he stopped by... I was thinking asking for a hug before giving to him because it would be the last one. Stupid huh... It's WH in H body need to keep telling myself that. Tempted to take a drive to see if HO is at her house. Naa that would make it worse I think.

Okay let me see what am I going to do tomorrow... will not nap so that I'm so exhausted I will sleep.

Going to the gym right after bringing DS to school in the morning. That way I will not put it off.

Will pick up the house and do laundry for a couple of hours... and stay off MB.
Go to Walmart and put on my goddess wear and pick up that perfume.

Write down the things I want to do with my house after everything is settles. Put my touches in every room. Was told by attorney to wait because don't want to bring up value before settlement. Oh ya call the guy about an appraisal later today.

And I will smile all day tomorrow... no matter what. Bring it on...

Well goign to try to go back to sleep.

Still

Okay... so I haven't got much done on my list.

Trying really hard not to let the depression gremlins get me down. Have my goddess outfit on.

Did talk to Wh to ask if he could check garage door tonight after work. He wants to switch Friday nights this week. Supposedly something going on at work... agreed to do it because I have plans with friends next Friday. Just suxs that it is probably with HO.

I'm thinking of giving him the letter tonight.... and doing it personally. Maybe get one last hug in there. So plan B here I come... I think.

Still

Still,

Don't worry about the list,,,, one thing about any kind of work, it will still be there later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good going on the Goddess Wear today! LOVE being able to 'tuck in" again, too!! It DOES help, doesn't it?

Switching days with WS on kids is OK,,,, IF it is something that benefits YOU, not just WS. In this case, it sounds ok as you are getting something out of it for you.

I don't know quite what to say/think about the letter tonight. It really is YOUR call on when to give it to him.

My only comment is this - - Be SURE you are ready.

You don't sound SURE to me???? Are you??

No I don't think I'm sure I'm ready. Are we ever really ready? I just want him to be able toread how much I love him.

Divorce is getting close and closer... and I want to plan B prior to that. Although right now I think I should plan A more.

Then it still twinges to hear his voice and see him. I just want to be held by him.

I know he knows how much I love him... but I want to see H eyes tonight.

Maybe I'll hold off ... jumped on the D wagon and regret that. I don't want to regret this also.

We just had a good short conversation...

I guess I'll just play it by ear.

Still

HI, i think that no matter what you decide that you will be fine...

IMHO, i think that if you ask for a hug that you will only be setting yourself up ofr more hurt...your Wh has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be with you...like I said IMHO...

Goddres wear, lol...I didn't get to wear mine today...i woke up late...good for you!

Still,

I don't disagree with S4B. You will be FINE no matter which way you go.

Personally, if I have the opportunity, I like to try consider all possibilities. If it were me,,,,, I'd ask myself some questions.


What will giving him the letter accomplish in terms of Plan A?

What will giving him the letter do for you?

Are you ready for a reaction from WS rather than what you HOPE for,,,, which is seeing your H's eyes? (vs WS)

I just don't want you blindsiding YOURSELF on this.

Does that make sense?

I completely UNDERSTAND wanting to share this with him, NEEDING that comfort and intimacy with your H!! I really do!

I just question if that's what you are going to get and how much will it cost you if it doesn't happen.

Now,,, all that being said - You aren't me. So if none of this is helpful to you,,,,, disregard it! I won't be offended! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:)

{{{{Still}}}}

Bugs, Rind,

At this point is there possibly any more pain? The last hour or so I have been napping and praying on what to do tonight, I'm really not sure.

What I would like to do is to get him alone (we usually go to the bathroom to talk) and just tell him I right now I could use a hug and you will realise later why.

Then hand him the letter and ask him to give this to my H so he will know how much I love him.

I don't know.... I just think I need to do it sooner than later.

Going to run an errand and think some more... I'll keep you updated.

Still

Getting nervous... I will see who comes to the door tonight when he gets here.

If it's semi H then I will give him the letter. If it's WH I'll think about it.

I actually got him to chuckle while talking to him on the phone... told him he didn't sound really enthusiastic to hear from me.... and he could do better than that.

Also asks him about things going on at work... a subject he could talk about all night. That gives him and ho something in common.

Still

Well letter has been given.... is it normal to feel numb?

I did get the one armed hug.... I think co-workers get more from him.

I asked to come to the bathroom and he looked at me and said I knew this was going to happen I almost didn't come.

I said are you sure you want this and he sadi yes. I told him then could I please have one last hug and he would understand after he read whay I had given him.

He said what is it and I told him it was a letter for my H. He then became WH again. At least that is the last memory I'll have of him. He told me he woud call me later...

I hate him right now. Let himhave his HO. She won't be around very long.

Why do I still love him and hate him at the same time.

This is for the best... tomorrow will be day one of Plan B.

Still

(((STILL)))

Honey - hugs and prayers flowing your way!

You are a Brave, Strong Woman!

You will make it through this and You will end up in a better place, no matter what WS does

You know you can not continue with WS. Period. End of story. H can return, but if he does not you are BETTER off with no WS!

Try not to dwell on WS's reaction. It is not yours to own. He is in a FOG and concerned only with himself.

It makes sense to HATE the WS and still love and long for the H. We all feel this way.

take care of YOU. Cry your eyes out if you need to. You are entitled right now. But do not stay in that place!

Get up and think of the peace that can be found in Plan B


Take care!

Bugs,

Actually I feel numb and like a weight has beem lifted off my shoulders. I did cry just tears running down my face. But I didn't sob.

He just said goodbye to our kids and walked right out the door. He also said he would call me later... not sure if I'll answer. In some ways I want to know if the letter affected him at all. Then if it did or didn't I can feel rrelief going into plan B.

I mean we will still have contact through e-mail becuase of kids and such. But definately after the divorce he is on his own. At least right now I won't have to see him ot hear his voice. Those are big triggers for me right now.

If I see him at sporting events then I'll just pretend he is a stranger. Because actually he is.

I may cry myself to sleep tonight.... but it will be a cry for the past and not for the future. Because I know God has good things coming my way. And I know I did everything I possibly could to save my M. I don't thnk there was anything else I could do.

It was good because I didn't beg or plead, just teared up.

Anyways is on the radio right now... I printed off that song lyrics and put it with the letter. Also didn't put the ring in or Truehearts letter. Truehearts letter I feel is more for a WH that's trying to become a FWH. My Wh isn't there yet and may never be.

Still

Well nothing to worry about he never called. So he probably read the letter and is honoring what I said.

I was kind of hoping he would so I could get his reaction and if what I wrote was read by H or WH. I know not part of Plan B.

Still no tears. The only tears were right after I gave it to him.

Just feeling really empty.

Still

Didn't read letter... called DS this monrng and asked to talk to me. I got on the phone first thing he said was sorry I didn't call you last night.

Me: Did you read my letter?

WH: Read some of it, I'll read it again later.

Me: Please read the letter.

Bye

Still

{{{Still}}}

How are you doing? I thought of you all evening and this morning,,,,sending prayers your way.

I understand your 'need' and 'want' to know what his reaction is to the letter, but Talking to him to get a reaction is not part of Plan B.

So,,, let's assume you DO talk to him again after he reads the letter - - - - What are you prepared to hear? What do you want to hear VS what should you 'expect' to hear?

Are you ready to stand firm by the terms you put in the letter? What exact terms did you go with?

I know you are in such turmoil right now,,, my questions above are only to try to get you to focus on what the realities may be.

As my sister tells me often,, This is a BATTLE. You need to don your Suit for Armor and be prepared for the worst. Only by being prepared are you able to protect yourself. Protecting YOURSELF is crucial to also being in a position to protect you KIDS!

Hang in there sweetie!

Bugs,

I only woke up once last night... which is really good for me. I didn't cry myself to sleep either. I thought I was going too.

I TM after I posted for him to please read the letter and let me know if he got the message. He TM me back that he will.

I mentioned that if he had questions I would discuss it with him...then I will tell him clearly after just e-mail or TMs. I realised after I didn't mention about contacting the kids and such. I still think it was a good letter thou. It said everything I needed to say.

The two different reactions I'm expecting... let me see.

I will be able to tell by his voice if it affected him. I know it's not going to change his mind... no delusions there. I want it to hit in his heart... and for him to say thanks for sharing. I don't know... in my delusions I'd want him to say Still we can make it work... I love you too. Okay so I do have a little bit of a delusion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What I'm expecting to hear... okay if that's how you feel I understand but I'm still screwing HO so deal with it. Your letter means absoultely nothing to me.
What a fool you have been... HO and I laughed all the way to work about it.

Actually right now I'm feeling okay... still have a numbness. It had to be done. My IC was very pleased because she said I'm moving forward. I told her I still want my M to work but I need to be loved and right now WH is incapable of love.

I never mentioned yesteday I call MOWH just for a quick minute. To see how he was doing and if they have filed yet. He didn't sound like he wanted to ever talk to me again. Told I wouldn't bother him again. He call his W and told her I called. So WH also knew and told me to stop amking calls.

I told him that didn't take long to get back to him... that I haven't called him since early Decamber. He told me I know because HO would tell me.

I said I bet she does. Oh and they haven't files yet. What's up with that?

So even after our divorce he's still messing around with a married HO.

Still

Still:
Stop the contact. I PROMISE YOU THAT WILL MAKE THIS BETTER.

You DO NOT have to have contact with him...even email. That's why you have an intermediary. I have two young boys and I have not spoken to, or seen from WH in three weeks.

We have a schedule for the kids...so what's there to talk about? The kids are capable of walking in and out of the house. Drop off. Pick up. There is no reason for me to see or speak to WH.

Don't you have caller ID? Get it. Do not answer...when he calls, have the kids answer, or as people have suggested to me, get them a cell.

Set up your email so that his email gets bounced back.

THIS WILL CONTINUE TO BE HARD IF YOU HAVE CONTACT, so END IT. You need peace. Every contact is like picking at the scab. Leave it alone. You CAN do this. Whatever he takes from you letter, he takes from your letter. You cannot control it, and there is NO WAY you can know his heart-felt reaction to it...he would lie to you of course.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh...I'm just telling you from three weeks in. You need to be DARK. It is EASIER to be dark. Seeing/hearing WH reminds you of H, and that HURTS.

I know....


(((((Still))))

LilSIs,

I didn't go through an intermeidary.. she backed out. So right now I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

I had to go with e-mail or TM's... my thing is it's hard to see him and hear his voice. Beleive me he barely e-mails me or TM's me so really nothing to worry about there. I'm not even on the radar screen in his eyes.

We have a court date right after Easter with a magistrate (fancy name for judge)... for temporary CS etc. At teh end of April another court date will be scheduled about the divorce. I need to look like I'm willing to communicate when needed with my kids dad.

After the first court date I'll be able to judge if I could go darker. I'll see how much contact he does try to have with me. I really don't think it will be much. This is exactly what he wants... me out of his fantasy world.

I appreciate the concern I really do... you have been doing a great job at Plan B. I hope I'm as strong as you are.

Maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... doing it this way. I'll see.

LilSis.... today I feel like this is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't know if it's relief or what. Don't get me wrong I still love my H... but I'm not even sure that man is there anymore and at times if he ever was. Do you ever feel that way?

I'm just trying to get through today without focusing to much on him and her.

Keep giving me your opinions and words of encouragement it really helps.

(((LilSIs)) you don't sound harsh at all....

Still

Still,

Sounds like you have a handle on the desired reaction vs the likely reaction. But, now that you are in Plan B,,, neither one is relevant.

I'm with Sis, the contact needs to stop.

Think about it - - you had the confrontation yesterday over OMH contact. WS was and is going to be in defense mode.

Leave the Drama of OMH, the HO, and the WS to THEM. It's no longer YOUR drama unless you let it be.

I'm not there yet,,, so Sis is the more experienced on this one. I am sure others will chime in with even more, good & specific advise.

Just want to encourage you today! Hang in there!! It WILL get better.

Bugs,

I'm really expecting no response from him at all. Maybe he will go by the letter and only use e-mail or Tm.

I feel strong right now to ahndle word on a screen... it seeing him and hearing that blow me away.

It wasn't really a confrontation about OWH it was just a comment he made no raised voices at all. It just verified that things are probably still hot and heavy.

I can do this I know I can... look it's Friday and I'm not dreading the weekend.
I got my goddess scivies (sp) on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay with me guys I still need you... we'll see how the next minutes go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Still

Still,

You are on the right path!

Wearing Goddess unmentionables,,, good job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Any little thing for that boost!

It IS Friday! Weekend is upon us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What are YOU going to do this weekend? Read a book? Take a bubble bath? Take a long walk? Go to a movie?

Start planning to fill as many minutes as you can.