Still here for you, Still.

I didn't realize about your intermediary. Sorry. That does make it difficult.

Don't be so sure about emails...my WH's email to my intermediary managed to trigger me because it was so cold and unfeeling...blech. I still don't anticipate that there should be TOO MUCH to talk about, so keep it to an absolute MINIMUM. Two, three, four words (TMs work well for this...). If you don't need to respond, DON'T. No "thanks," no "okay, see you then." NOTHING.

FYI...the only way I knew that WH even READ my PBL was that he dropped the kids off at exactly the time I had stated and left the car running in the driveway while the kids came into the house. No coming in...just like I said.

You can't know what his reaction will be...there's no POSSIBLE way. Let go of that.

Look ahead to a great weekend.

LS,

Actually tonight after DS swim meet (very cute watching a hockey player try to dive off the blocks) Meeting with friends for a little wine.

This is my weekend to work...so I'm busy from morning til night. DS is at WH tomorrow night (he has something planned tonight) and DD and I are going out to eat Mexican yummmm.

That's it so far.

How bout you?

Still

Ah...who knows. My best friend and I talked about taking the kids to a movie...DS11 has a sleepover tonight, my mom might come out or I might go visit her if the movie plans fall through, need to make some plans for the DC spring break trip...

Not busy enough, probably. Better get busy making some plans!

I am REALLY glad that you are busy.

Hi, Still, I hope that you make a little time for yourself...perhaps a bubble bath...with some lavender scent to help you relax...something...anything...

Be good to yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, when is your book due to come in?

Rin,

Got the book teh day before yesterday... halfway through it. It's taking my mind a long time to digest. At times I wonder if ti was me that was also being verblly abusive... or was it a reaction to the emotional withdrawel from H? Which came first the chicken or the egg.

I don't know it was me I 'm at least looking within myself. I have stated mant times I was far from perfect... and I still slip at times.

But my DH was also far from perfect... and the more I think of it it was my reaction to him.... I looked back over old journals and it looks like I haven't felt like a priority in my H life for many years. No excuse for my behavoir though.

I out it down for awhile (will bring it to worl though) because I was planning my letter delivery.

Still no word from WH.... don't think I'll get it. Not my concern.

Still

Can you explain a little more by what you mean YOUR reaction? Perhaps an example...

I question this so that I can understand myself more...I know that I have asked myself if I was the one making the sicth worse...DId I egg it on? That type on thing, that's why I ask...

LOL...we'll grow together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey still,
The first few weeks are a bit rough, but after that, you will settle into it.

Here's the thing, no matter WHAT type of communication your WH has with you, they will ALL affect you, because you still live in a world of expectation, and you will for a while. You hope with every contact, there will be a glimpse of your H there. Most likely, there will NOT, and it is devastating almost every time. It's just nature, and you have to understand that we ALL feel the same with contact.

I just want you to know what has happened with so many of us here. ANY CONTACT will hurt YOU, not just because of the effects that you want Plan B to have on your WH, but the effect the contact has on you. It hits you right IN the heart, and it squeezes a bit. WH will, most likely, not contact you, so you will begin to try and think of some REAL reason to contact him; DON'T. Unless someone is very ill, or some accident happens, I would take care of everything that you can on your own.

Have a good weekend, enjoy the wine, enjoy the conversation. In time, you will feel so much better.

Rin.

I will go back and try to find where I saw this. It's almost like at any time we can just explode because you can only take so much negativity... criticism. Especially when there is no positive feedback with anything we do. If I tried to explain this to him I was looking for a fight... I'm never satisfied.

After many sessions of this I would just explode and not say some very nice things. Some of the things they mention as verbal abuse. But is it VA when you have been always nudged to the point of no return.

Like I said I'll try to find where I got this impression.

Silent,

I appreciate the advice. I think you're right about any type of contact. I'll see how it goes and if it does become to unbearable I will begg ny friend to do it. It may be a moot point because the divorce seems to be loomng quickly.

Youy're right about thinking of reasons to contact him.... I was just filling hot tub with a bucket (pretty slow going) and was thinking I will e-mail WH to see if he could get the hose out and fill it tomorrow while he's fixing the garage door. I'm working so I won't be seeing him. Not even 4 hours... geese I'm goign to be a slow learner.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Still

Still,

Keep reading over the same advice - the posts that HELP you the most. Go back over them again.

Recognizing that you are still learning about this is great!

Every time you think about contacting WS,, picture a HUGE RED STOP SIGN!! STOP - do not Pass Go - Do not Collect $200. Use whatever mental picture or metaphor that works for you that you have to stop and take a deep breath when you start to go there.

It's probably a good thing for you to have work to keep you busy for the weekend. MEIXCAN sounds GREAT!

I am working late, going shopping, going to tan tonight.

I need a new Goddess outfit for a an work event on Tuesday.

Tomorrow - cleaning house, organizing some things for eventual Plan B.

Sun - afternoon party with friends

Hey - - have you been to Walmart yet for the perfume??

It will take time. Unfortunately!!

Still, SL's post to you was excellent. The sooner you can accept no contact, the happier you will be.


This is partially right. You don't WANT any word from WH. You only want word from your H, but he's not available right now.

I think this will be a challenge for you--your posts show a pretty high level of attachment to your WH. Part of what Plan B will do for you is help you detach and figure out how to live for YOU. I think it will be very helpful for you, but it will also be very hard. Bugsmom's idea about the stop sign is a good one. And lean on the support here--if you think about contacting him (for whatever reason) come here first, and don't do it before getting at least one response.

Hang in there. You can do this. Be strong.

(((((still)))))

WE KNOW, WE UNDERSTAND, WE ARE HERE. Time, sweetie, time, there's no other way around it. The longer you have NC with WH, the longer you are dark/silent, the better you will feel. Just tick off the days on the calendar. I think of it as running. I'm more of a sprinter/short distance person. When I'm on the treadmill or outside, i pick a point to sprint to and then I slow to a jog; either 1 minute all out, or to the tree in the distance ALL OUT.

In your case, stay busy, SPRINT past the inclination to call or email. YOU WILL NOT HEAR WHAT YOU LONG FOR, not from WH, no way, no how. He will ONLY HURT YOU. You hold out for the real thing.

I, too, was soooo attached to my Husband that the Wayward was fine with me. I've learned over MANY trials and mistakes that the wayward is NO GOOD. Everytime I let him in (the wayward) our old dynamic shows up and I get caught up in it. It's a lose/lose sitch.

You can do this; just let the time pass, find yourself things to do, maybe have a primal scream here and there. Focus on you, your house. What do YOU want to do? work on answering that question...

Bugs,

Yeah got the perfume last night... hope to leave WH with a new scent instead of HO last night. Didn't work though.

Still no contact... I guess that's good. Still curious if he read yet probably not if I know hIm.

Still

Sadguy,
Missed your post the first time around.
You are 100% right I do have a very strong attachment to my WH. He's been apart of my life for a very long time. More than 1/3 of my life. I have lived with him longer than my parents.

Even if it's contact with WH it was something. That's what I'm struggling with. I haven't e-mailed or called want to but won't. I can do this.

Need to run out and go grocery shopping and my DS swim meet.

I'll get back and reply to everyone later....

Thanks guys

Still

Silent,

And anyone else.... just quickly before I go out. How do you Plan B when he hasn't even read the letter?

Pullin out of my driveway i answered phen and it was him... I asked again did you read the letter..I'm busy. Asked again to please read it and he would understand.

I'm on my way out will check in later.

Still

Of course he has read the PlanB letter. It means NOTHING to him.

YOU do a plan B regardless of what he has or hasn't read.

Pardon me for saying so, you aren't using this Plan B in the proper manner ya know. You want him to let you know that he cares...that is NOT the purpose of PlanB.

jmho
committed

Here's how you do Plan B when he has not read the letter:

You let every call go to Voice Mail. On your message, you say, "Thanks for calling. You have reached Still's phone. Please leave a message and I will get back to you. If this is Still's WH, please contact me according to the letter only."

DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(Edited to add) At this point, I would bet you $50.00 that he has indeed read the letter, but does not give a hoot and calls you anyway. Every time you answer the phone, he gets the message, "She did not mean it." So stop taking his calls.

Still,

Please read your journals and read this post from beginning to end. You are caught in a cycle of behavior and it's not getting you anywhere.

At this point you half-heartedly chose plan B. Your WH needs to respect you and the only way he will do that is if you follow through.

Sometimes I think with these plan B letters you need to put how they can contact you in the first paragraph and all the other mushy stuff at the end. The reason being is the WH dosn't want to hear history - he's already changed.

The only thing you need to do at this point - if you are wondering if he read the letter (which causes you to pick up his calls) is TM him back/in response to any calls that if he read the letter he should know only to TM you or Email that's it no other communication.

If he in fact read your letter and is testing you, you are indeed showing him once again that you don't understand his WS needs. You are not looking good to him if this is the case.

So it's my humble opinion that you have nothing to gain at this point by answering your phone or thinking of reasons to need him - come over as pool boy or whatever.

There is so much pain in your posts. So much loss. I think you need to go to some sort of grief couseling if you haven't already. Take care of yourself.

I won't be on over the weekend but I will check in next week.

You are strong!

hey still

just checking in to see how you are doing

you have alot of people here who care about you

come here if you need to talk

Thanks Eve,

I guess I'm feeling like I'm getting beat up.. needed the 2X4's though.

I'm new at this... I won't take any of his calls. I know he doesn't evan care enough to even read the stupid letter.

I only talked to him and told him to read the letter... wsn't sure what I was suppose to do.
That's why I was asking...

I don't feel I went into this half heartedly though...

Still

Thanks FW

I will do that I don't know why I didn't think of that. Just my wanting ti hold on to my umbilical cord.

I can and will do this. I will jsut not answer phone and e-mail him please contact me as i wished in my letter.

How's that sound.

Still