hey still

my h acted like he didn't care what the letter said too

he then started calling and sending e-mails saying "i'll just keep leaving messages until you respond"

they don't like losing the control they have over us

((((((((((still))))))))))

Couple of things, dear friend.

First, here's my take on this. If you look back, you will see that I said "...bet ya $50 he has read your letter and doesn't give a hoot." Now, I'm not saying he is an abusive, control freak here--just selfish, and self-centered. He wants his mistress, but he wants good old still around in the background in case it doesn't work out good for him. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants it. And now, all-of-a-sudden, he cuddly little teddy bear "still" is standing up for herself and acting like she's not going to take his crumbs! Thus, what I believe he will most likely do is continue to try to do it his way--and if that doesn't work out, he will try some "nice tricks" to hook you and reel you back into doing it his way--and if that doesn't work, he will try some "mean tricks" to scare you back into doing it his way. See? He is testing how much you mean this! How firm are you going to stand? Because in the past, he's always been able to reel you back in with a few crumbs of nice words or worthless promises.

Second, assuming that he will pretty much follow the WS Manual here, I'm telling you now to prepare yourself for his attempts to engage you. He is going to continue to ignore your letter and keep calling whenever he pleases--how do you intend to deal with that, still? How do you intend to enforce your Plan B letter when he does that? He is going to attempt to lure you in with "running into you on accident" and "popping over at the house to fix something." How do you intend to enforce your Plan B letter when he does that? He will try to cry that contact is necessary "for the children" or that he "has to talk to you" and he might even cry! How do you intend to enforce your Plan B letter when he does that? He might get ANGRY and swear and stomp around, saying that you are being controlling and this is why he left you for OW and SHE doesn't do this to him. How do you intend to enforce your Plan B letter when he does that?

Still, ask any other plan B-er out there....any one of them will tell you, that's EGG-ZAC-LEE what WS's do when faced with a true, silent, enforced Plan B. So, in order to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, take a time when you are fairly calm and clear-headed and THINK about how you plan to deal with these things. Brainstorm with us...we'll help you! If you have a game coming up and he's the coach and you've gotta go, we'll help you come up with ideas how to support your boys but not engage with WS!! But the big message here is to have a plan...and work it.

Finally, I would like to share some personal with you. When my exH left me and I went to Plan B, our M was so dysfunctional and I was so co-dependent that I was more addicted to him than any drug. Doing a good Plan B for me was similar to quitting smoking. I did not go a day at a time...I went 15 minutes at a times. I went 15 minutes and didn't call him. I went 15 minutes and didn't email or speak or contact him in any way. When I had the urge and it was driving me INSANE thinking about calling him every minute, I told myself, "I will just wait 15 minutes and see how I feel then" and after 15 minutes I'd say, "Let's see if I can go just 15 minutes more" like that all day long. Then, I began to mark off with a big red marker, every day that I went the whole day without calling him--15 minutes at a time. I could SEE the progress being made. At the end of a week without a contact, I gave myself a little treat, like I bought a fancy bubble bath or got a chick-flick I knew he'd never watch...one day I bought RED CURTAINS for my bedroom because I love red and colors and he was a beige person.

You can do this still. YOU can get through the withdrawal from him. But you have to stand up for yourself, be strong, enforce Plan B RUTHLESSLY...and go 15 minutes at a time. You can do 15 minutes, can't you??

(((((still)))))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Hi Still, ah...I see that CJ has everything covered for me! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just backing her up! have a great day!

I like the red curtains with him being a beige person CJ! COOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

CJ's post is perfect, Still. It's spot-on.

Stay strong in your plan. He's been walking all over your boundaries for a long time. You need to enforce them.

I LOVE CJ's post.

Hey, you can always hang up on him. Maybe he needs negative feedback, you could always blow a whistle into the phone. Kidding aside, you have to go through your own withdrawal, just as if you are trying to quit a drug.

Stay strong, the dynamic of your R with your W/H is tough to break, but it will happen over time.

how are you doing?

Hey everyone... sorry been at work all day today then Alanon meeting.

Thank-you all for your sound advice... you are all so right on the button. CJ you couldn't of said it better. My WH is a control freak, and still not homoring what I asked.

He calls me twice while I was at meeting. And left message to call him.

I came home from the meeting and WH was at the house I waited and got my mail and news paper taking my time. He gets into his truck. I pull out of driveway and let him get out and zoom right past him no little look or way right into garage.

He pulls quickly into driveway and I go into garage and shut the door. Phone is ringing when I come upstairs and head to bathroom and tell DS i need to go. Finally WH says nevermind and hangs up.

What doesn't he understand about not talking and seeing him? I plainly put it in my letter and said it to him on the phone last night.

CJ I will draw up plans on every possiblr scenerio. So I haven't talked to him and didn't look at him.

Yes I, obsessing but I know it's going to take time.

Soon... I am on 2 AD's one being SSRI. The thing is I'm affected by tremors if dose is increased. Am working with my PCP on that. I also have counciling weekly adn started to go to alanon meetings. So I am working on it. My H has always been a very controlling man in everything he does. And jst drove down my self esteem. I'm working on getting that back.

WH is on the phone.... called just now. Hopefully just to talk to the kids.

Still BRB

Wow. This is going to be hard, but you have the right attitude. Stay strong. Make him respect the boundary, and in doing so he will have to respect you.

Sad,

He keeps asking me to call him back.... I know I shouldn't but wondering if I should restate my opinion. Me thinks my Wh is not going to like this.

Should I e-mail him if it's pertaining to kids or finances to e-mail me?

I could tell he was annoyed that I didn't get out of car and talk to him. He stayed in the driveway for about 5 minutes.

I think I may need to explain to my kids... they might start to wonder what's going on.

LilSis... I honestly though this would be frosting on the cake for WH. I think he doesn't like it because it's something I want.

Phone is ringing again....it's him. Man he's persistant.

Answered and he said you can't keep avoiding me... told him again, And he wanted to know why his Mobil card didn't work. So it's not me he must of thought I canceled the card. Told him to please use TM or e-mail he said yup.

Hearing his voice is really hard and I told him that... know I don't affect you the same way. Total convo 2 minutes. I think this is going to be really tough.

Okay told him twice and that's it... back to plan B.

Still

He's grown. He can call the company when he has time.

STOP answering the phone. Go ONE WHOLE DAY WITHOUT CONTACT. Let the phone ring. It's NOT an EMERGENCY.

I think it would be in the kids best interest to know what is going on, and it may help YOU to be a bit darker.

You CAN keep avoiding him. What you did in the driveway was exactly what a Plan B'er does. Be that killer bee! Take your CONTROL BACK. He CANNOT control anyone who isnt' isn't WILLING.

YOU gave up your control, freely and willingly when answering the phone, and you KNEW it wasn't an emergency. Was he bleeding while hanging out in the driveway? Were any of the rest of your family bleeding or lapsing into strange comas?

I got an email from my WH today, just begging for me to write back, and LORDY I want to, but I'm not going to. I know that Plan B is all new. You are doing very well, considering how persistent he is. You CAN control yourself. Like I said, the dynamic of your R has been long-lived and takes time to foil...

Silent,

I now understand about the contact thing. After I posted I wanted to call him back to say I'm sorry but I'm hurting blah blah blah.

And I'm not going to do that. I haven't started off to the best start. I think it was because I didn't think he cared. And it's not to say he cares now. I know now he knows what the letter is and i feel stronger about answering the phone now.

Still

Still- one suggestion...while at your meetings...that ONE HOUR...that one single hour is about YOU...turnt he phone off at least for that hour! THat is YOUR time!

When I first started going to meetings...that was how I treated myself!

Take the higher ground...understand that he knows and understands what you have said that his contact with you is about him and not about you...don't play into those games...

Do this for you...for your peace of mind...do NOT let this man walk all over you...HE WILL AND HAS, but only if you let him...

You have great support...post here, pick up the phone...please don't succumb to his selfish needs which ARe about him and not what you need or want anymore...

Let him hit bottom and get out of his way!

Just my POV and 2 cents thrown in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Loving you every day...
Rin

Still, I don't think you need to keep telling him that contact hurts you. You expressed it in the letter. If he knows that he can still get to you, he will. Cut him off as completely as you can.

If you really feel the need to respond to him, send him another copy of the letter. Print out an extra copy to carry with you--if he gives you the Why are you giving me the cold shoulder question in person, hand him the copy of the letter and walk away. It's hard, but try to ignore him.

And I would think that your kids are old enough to understand what you're doing, so I would explain it to them. They may be able to help you execute your plan B.

Keep at it. It's hard, but we're all here to help.

Rin,

Didn't even realise I had the phone on... put it on vibrate after it rang the firsst time. Next meeting I will turn it off. That is my time. Although feel a little guilty because it cuts into kid time. Maybe need to look for another meeting time. Althogh the people at this meeting seem very nice. It's a very small group.

I'm thinking of going again either today or tomorrow again to help me Let go and Let God. Want to pick up some books... none at my Monday meeting where it is such a small group.

Sad,
I will not tell him anymore... he is a intelligent man (in other areas besides his morals) and he can figure things out also

Today I am going no contact at all. Although it was a little tough this morning I had DS call his dad (so he wouldn't call here). I gues his truck won't start he's waiting for AAA. Though about going out to give him jump... then said naaa let HO give him the jump, Not my worry. See I think that's bette.

Did talk to my DS a little bit last evening.. will talk to him more I just don't want to put him in the middle of this.

DD16 will completely understand as she is doing her own modified plan B on her dad.

On a happier note...got an e-mail from DD19 from Florence Italy letting me know she is still alive and having a lot of fun. Sends her love to me and her siblings. And she's actually said she's not spendinf much money <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

She'll be back at school in germany on Thursday. Can't wait to talk to her. Thought about forwarding e-mail to WH but nope he can get his own from her. Plus it would be rubbing in his face that it didn't include him. She probablty sent one to him also.

Okay no more about WH today.... gym...cleaning, house is a mess after 3 days of working I swear kids don't know how to pick up after themselves shessh.

Still

Still,

ONE DAY. Just this ONE day is all you need to think about. Today you will NOT talk to WS. You CAN do this!

He is WELL aware of your pain and your boundry but keeps trying to push you. Don't let him. He's done as he darn well pleases for long enough! Now it is YOUR turn to take control of YOUR life.

Go to meetings,, take the time for YOU,,,your kids will understand and you will be a MUCH better Mom for them just by taking that one hour. If you are better, they are better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll ck in on you later. Have a GODDESS day!

Thanks Bugs
Just posted to you also.

I'm getting myself into goddess gear,

He is trying to control me and he knows he was very good at it. And I'm going to take just today and go no contact.... and then go from there.

Still

I completely back up Bug...she speaks the truth...I can tell you that since attending my meeting my relationship with the kids has improved...for the positive...

You are so wonderful, let that light shine today...you ARE so worth it!

Make the most of the day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay still,

I have a suggestion. Let's not do this "one day" at a time. One day is a LONG TIME!! Let's do this one hour at a time. It is now 11:45am Pacific Time--so in one hour, I'll check on you and see how you're doing...tell you what I did...talk about weather and kids and goddess outfits....

You can do one hour, right?? ONE HOUR without contacting him...here we go!

(((still)))

~~CJ

12:55pm Pacific Time

(waving like a silly person)

Hi still!! How was the last hour?? Mine was okay-ish. My exH tried to say "hi" on MSN IM, but I just ignored him :P We are civil, but I just don't have an interest in his life--I'm a married lady and I'm interested in my hubby!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I ate two chocolate covered almonds for fun. YAY ME!

I worked on preparing like five deposits. I also have to work on spreadsheets and stuff, so I write here on MB to keep me from accounting boredom at work. I wrote and said "hi" to silent and Strivn--maybe you could say "hi" too!

I also decided that I want to have another cup of flavored coffee today. Okay, not a big decision I agree, but nonetheless, it is a change from the norm. So, I'm on my second cup, and it's YUMMY!

Weather here in the Pacific Northwest has be gray and cloudy but they say by the weekend it's supposed to be sunny. I would rather have clouds while I'm at work and sun on the weekend any day!! Flowers here are blooming: hyacinth, crocus, daffodils...and even a few peonies are opening. The trees are also blooming, and I love having the cherry blossom "snow" in the street.

Sooooo...next hour (2pm Pacific) let's talk about our goddessness today. One more hour without contact, okay? You can do it! And then you can tell me all about your great outfit, or makeup, or hairdo!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

CJ -- great idea going by the hour! I LOVE how you are conciously filling your moments!

Still- how are you doing THIS hour?

I am sitting in the waiting room at the IC. Have Lots to talk to her about!