advice pleas on my PBL

J,
I have been trying to write this letter for weeks, it has been in my heart and on my mind. This undoubtedly will be the hardest thing we ever endure. I have tried to put my feelings aside to "be there" for you. I have tried to pretend that this is not tearing me apart. My efforts were in vain. I need you to understand that the more you continue to rely on me for conversation, comfort and support, the harder it is for me to pull back and begin to heal. We are living on a roller coaster. You feel me pulling away and you move closer, testing to see if I still love you, testing to see if I will still be there for you. When you get the confirmation you need, you feel secure enough to continue on and explore your feelings of confusion. Then you pull away from me again. Your actions and words cause me a great deal of pain. I fear that if this cycle continues, I may not be able to forgive you. I need to forgive you. I want to forgive you.

We had a strong foundation of a relationship. Yet it was not healthy, not as healthy as it could have been. I have been weak, afraid to lose you. I did not have the confidence to make a stand for myself and demand your respect. My complacency has caused you to devalue me and lose respect for me. I take responsibility for my part in creating an environment that made you feel that cheating was necessary. I have learned so much about relationships and about myself. I know I will not make those same mistakes again. I am working hard to be a healthier partner in life. The part that hurts the most is that I believe we have the knowledge to create a love that will last a lifetime. That is what I am suggesting. That we learn and grow from this and rekindle the spark of our love even stronger and better than it was. I no longer want that broken marriage in which you were not happy. I want us both to be happy, fullfilled.

I want you to know that during this crisis, I have learned a great deal about the person I am, the person I want to be. I have found great strength in myself. I have needed you for many years. I have fullfilled myself by your need for my support. Now I have been forced to evaluate myself in ways I never had to before. Now I see myself through my own eyes, not through yours. I have clarity. I know that I love you. I know that I want to be with you. and I also know that I don't need you. I know that regardless of the outcome of our separation, I will live a happy life. I know that I will be fullfilled. I know that I will love, and be loved back.

You have said that you are "fighting as hard as you can to break free from your comfort zone." Your will is powerful and I feel as if I am fighting against you. This is not what I want. I do not wish to fight anymore. I want you to go and find yourself. You are my best friend, my soul mate, the most special person in the world to me. I want you to believe in yourself because you are worthy. Not because someone else places value within you, but because you believe in your own value and self worth.

I have been holding on to "us" so tightly, and you have been pulling away so earnestly that we are bound to disintegrate whatever love we have left for each other. I ask you to understand that I am unable to separate my feelings into categories of "friend" "wife" "lover." I cannot put aside my feelings of love for you in order to be your friend. You are to me the person "I want to share my life with." Asking me to feel "less" for you or to "take less" from you because you are unwilling to give what I need is unacceptable, and simply impossible. I cannot prevent myself from feeling hurt as I watch you pursue someone else's love. I now know that I have only one option left. That is to finally let go of you. I need you to respect that I need space to heal the pain that I have endured.

Please understand that this is not about punishment. This is not about getting back at you or depriving you of something that you need. This is about preserving the love that still remains in my heart, so we have something to grow with if we get another chance. You once chose me to make a life with. If we get another chance at love I want to know that you chose me because you love me. not because of guilt or obligation. Please understand that I love you and I will be there when you are willing to do what it takes to make our relationship whole again. a relationship that consists of two individuals.

Please understand that unless you are willing to end your relationship with L, I will not be interested in being a part of your life. You have asked me to respect your feelings of love for her. It is difficult, but I am trying to do that. I know it will be hard for you, but I need you to respect what I am asking of you. I no longer wish to speak with you unless it has to do withour finances or the children. My intention is to draw up a legal document that we both agree upon, and have that agreement notarized. then we can solidify custody, visitation and financial support as it would be fair.

I respect that you want to change. I wish you all the best in this life and I hope that you find what you need to be the person you want to be.
I love you, BS

OK I am seeing my PBL posted and it looks WAY to long, gotta work on that.

I am thoroughly confused yet again by my WS.
I am considering buying a used car, its a good deal , I will be trading in my worn out minivan as I commute 1 1/2 hrs and work in the medical field so I need dependable AWD transport. WS is questioning the need for this, can I afford the payment, aren't I strapping myself financially, all over me about it.

I am trying not to LB, so I have let her know about how the negotiations are going and she finally said "I just don't think you are acting responsibly"

she is afraid because she has spent a great deal of "her" money on new apt stuff ie: new furniture, $300 bose ipod dock, and I found multiple charges for OP expensive xmas presents. mind you WS is extremely frugal.

she said "I just think you need to keep as much money in your saving as emergency, you never know what we might need for the house." huh??? whats with all the WE talk all of a sudden?? what she really is afraid of is the fact that HER accounts are quite low and she hasn't even gotten her 1st check yet.

so tonight she asked to see the kids, and came over, planted her rear on my couch, ate dinner with the kids (that I prepared) didn't even say thank you. and gave me the silent treatment. she doesn't want me to buy the car, and she is trying to control me. this is her usual MO and it usually works like a charm, but tonight it just made my resolve stronger.

then with puppy dog eyes asked if she could sleep in my son's bed tonight? this was tough, but I said "that would not be acceptable" she mildly suggested that this WAS her house too. and I stated "yes it is your house, but no longer your home" then she asked to take the kids to her apt for the night and I agreed.

I don;t know what this means???? where the heck is OP????
what the heck is going on?? I have checked her emails all week, no correspondence with OP at all. ??? I am going crazy wondering what happened!!!

Man, she's all over the place. I like the bit about who's acting responsibly. I think it's probably a good sign that her behavior is so erratic, but I don't really know.

I saw some good stuff in your PBL. Tightening it a bit is probably a good idea.

Your Plan B letter is waaayyyyyy too long. But before you write it, you need to get more ready and organized.

You need to have a parenting schedule, financials worked out, etc. Until you get that firmed up, she will continue plopping on your couch and eating your food and glaring.

I have heard from a close friend that WS is having a hard time, ie: OP isn't what she thought, worried about finances, misses me. that kind of stuff. I guess it feels good to know she is not just off in fantasy land living the life of riley.

another point is that WS has plans for dinner with an old professor "friend" that she had an attraction to about 2 yrs ago. (I found out by reading her email) I knew about this at the time, and the woman (we'll call her E) cut off contact with my WS and said she would not be friends with WS because WS was M and the R would be inappropriate considering their attraction to one another.

Now I know why OP hasn't been around. I read an email that OP was not comfortable with WS having dinner with E and that WS needed to "figure out what was between WS and E" before OP and WS would be able to "have a life together"

wtf, i am just getting used to the idea that WS might end up with OP, now WS is adding a 3rd person in the mix.
what does this mean??? I can't make sense of it. do you think OP may not be filling WS's EN's and I clearly am not by keeping my boundaries strong, so WS is trying to go to another source for comfort??? I can't figure it out.

Your WS sounds very confused. Maybe things are falling apart for her. It sounds like you're on the right path.

Have you separated your finances yet? Who pays for the cell phone? If you do, then cut it off. Cutting off all enabling behavior is the stick of plan A. No more enabling. I think your situation's prognosis is good. You need to quit enabling, and get ready for plan B. Make sure it is a VERY DARK plan B. She will come back quickly IMO.

thanks for the input everyone.

Cell phone is in my name, family plan, I will have to pay a penalty is I cancel hers so I told her she had to keep it. she wants a new one so I can't imagine she would fight it. Finances are split and have been for a month, I think that is why she is freaking out. she used to take care of all the house stuff. (she is very controlling about our money) now that I have charge of it, she is feeling very out of control. views me as an erratic spender. not totally true, but I am a woman:)LOL anything I spend money on, to her, is unjustified, unneccessary. this is a huge DJ she has had over me for a long time.

well, now she has spent thousands on her credit card setting up lovenest. has not recieved her 1st paycheck, and has to keep dipping into her emergency fund for living expenses. I would say that financial security is one of her top EN's and its not getting met. she is freaking out about it. It is hard watching this, I feel like I am watching her drowning.

I an concerned about my ability to plan B effectively because of our circumstances surrounding the legal aspects of the separation(not being married). I haven't gone any further re legal agreement because we have been consumed with the move. but, she is in law school and knows that she doesn't HAVE to sign any agreement with me. because of our sitch any legal agreement is voluntary. I can't imagine going to plan B and then having to talk to her on the phone every other day about the kids. this is one I may have to chew on a while.

I am feeling much better in plan A, securing my boundaries, not enabling. feeling more confident. think I am going to continue for a while. actually we have not seen very much of ea other, it is MUCH easier to plan A when she is out of the house.

funny how I always felt she would have been more ready for this separation than I would be, and it seems I am dealing better than she is. It is unexpected. I am afraid, however, the more distance i get, the more I feel better, stronger. No more DJ's no more LB's. life seems a lot simpler. I am afraid I will distance so much that I won't want my M back. has anyone experienced that??

That is what happened to me. I went into Plan B completely miserable. But after I got the hang of it, started noticing that there was very little to miss of WH. In fact, I started enjoying my life without all of the strife.

fightingback,
I don't know your sitch very well, but I would say you need to iron out visitation, child care prior to Plan B. After things are more concrete, there is really very little need for contact...no phone calls will be necessary..no emails, unless emergencies occur, or problems with childcare arise; then you can communicate through intermediary.

I agree with believer, I'm beginning to rejoice in the calm of Plan B. I'm working on getting WH to remove his things from the house, and I have gotten to the point where I feel better without WH around. I'm not sulking around. I'm busy with friends and family, and I'm beginning to enjoy making decisions SOLO. I still love H, WH I can do without!

SL,
that is exactly how I felt this past wed. I had been WS free for 4 days,(I saw her, but didn't have to really spend time with her). then when she showed up and plopped on my couch, I really came undone. don't get me wrong, the 4 days were not a walk in the park, but after being faced with total WS exposure again, I realized that I would prefer the quiet misery of being alone, rather than the all out anxiety of being near WS.

I did OK, I allowed myself 5 minutes of tears asking myself "why can't she just leave me alone?"
then I was able to compose myself and remain strong. WS was unaware of my emotions btw. I hate the weekends as I need to see her more for pick up /drop -off kids. But it will remind me to finalize some sort of concrete visitation. and the calm that will come with that decision is welcoming.

PS/ I got my car yesterday. it was quite scary as I have not made a large purchase alone in 15years, and then I was living with my parents. It felt scary but also empowering. WS eventually gave her approval for the purchase. although I was clear with her (no DJ's) that I would really appreciate her support, but that I certainly didn't need it, that I would make the best decision for the safety of the kids and myself. and that I expected her to respect that and support me. she eventually did, so I guess I feel good about standing up for what I wanted and needed, without DJ's and AO. I am learning

BS-2 WS-zip

Yeah, get the visitation nailed down, and then you will not have to actually see her.

It's okay to cry and feel overwhelmed, it is completely natural under these circumstances. I know that time without WS seems desolate, but you will begin to feel better, and gain more perspective while alone. You will also begin to have a craving for change. I wanted to change my home, so that I didn't turn to corner to memory after memory...I've been doing that slowly. At first I didn't even recognize that I was doing it...new bath towels here, new throw rug there, move this there, oh, change this too, and now...I look around and see adventure in changing things to the way I want them. It's empowering...

No matter what, work toward YOUR personal recovery. Get the help you need, and support. Cry when you need to, but learn to shake away thoughts, shake your head if you need to, bat them away, deal with them, and then move on to the next thought.

When you do see WS, buck up, smile, be calm, collected. You can take those five minutes AFTER she leaves and break down in the bathroom, then wipe your eyes and get on with you day. Don't show weakness to her...

SL,
great advice, I am such an emotional being.
I have not cried in front of WS for weeks. I don't think she likes it. my friends all have intructions to say how "strong" I am feeling when she asks.

I think the new car was my way of change, I needed it of course...but I think it was somewhat about... this is a part of my life you cannot tarnish... this has zero to do with you and your lies/betrayal.... this is about me.

I am definately focused on some ME stuff, and I want my home to be happy cozy. I have wanted to paint for a while now, and I just went and bought some brushes. I have to make it MY space now, and almost remove the "US"
it is so sad that in just 3 mos, 15 yrs of happy times become so painful to remember.

I'm in Plan B for about 3 weeks and I got to say that getting to Plan B is a lot harder than being in it. I'm feeling better emotionally and physically as time progressive. Remember, take care of yourself first becasue WS will not care. Good luck.

fighting and miketc,

Plan B seems placid, but you will suffer some set backs, and that is completely normal, not to mention attempts to break your Plan B; they WILL happen. Again, straight face your adversary, and let the emtions go when you are alone...


You both can do this; find your support here. Fighting, I know you are not in Plan B yet, but use Orchid's method of Plan A your S, Plan B your WS. You can make it to the other side of this, and you will learn sooooo much about yourself and learn to REALLY have boundaries that are solid...

SL, you give a great perspective, I am wondering if you could comment on SDGuys thread, he is in week 2 of plan B and is keeping to it, but having a hard time. I try to be supportive, but I haven't started plan B yet.

I am really finding solace in my boundaries, and not just with WS. My kids as well, I am more consistent in my interactions with them and it seems to really get them to listen better, also I am not as short with them and have more patience. I am setting boundaries with friends and family as well. I am realizing that I lived in fear a great deal. mostly about minor things. worrying about everyone else's needs and happiness all the time was exhausting. now I prioritize, myself and kids first, then everyone else.

I am preparing for plan B, however I hope to God I don't have to. WS was talking about how much she is learning about herself, and about what she wants from a R. what she needs, what she can do without. also made a comment about how most nights she has been alone and crying herself to sleep. feeling very alone and called this "the most horrible time in her life" from what everyone says she sees that OP is "not what she had thought"

I hate to have hope but this encourages me, I also hate to believe her, how do I know she is being honest. oh well, guess I will have to just wait and see.

WS also asked me if I needed anything from her, she would like to be there for me in a way that I am comfortable with.
I just asked her to respect my boundaries and validate my feelings. is it good that she wants to do this?? I am thinking yes. I am not comfortable asking more, or actually spending time with her unless OP is out of the picture, but I have been cordial, respectful.

fighting,

Thank you for the praise; I sometimes feel a bit off in my thinking, in comparison with many other veterans here, but I'm only relaying my experience and how I've used MB to approach my problem. We all have a unique style, but MB helps to solidify the path...

I had been reading up on SDGuy, but have been pretty busy, really focusing on a few people lately. I'll check it out. In Plan B, there is not much to say except let yourself grieve and let yourself question, and try to work through them. NO CONTACT with a WS can be very trying, to say the least. I felt very desperate, but those moments came and went. My Plan B was shaky at first, as it was at a time when the wounds were new and fresh (WH started yet ANOTHER EA)...I started my own Plan B in July, but by Sept. we were supposedly working to reconcile, then in Oct. he told me of yet another woman he enjoyed company with....The next day, my letter went out, and I went dark. There have been a couple of large cracks in my Plan B, but I am back in the darkness, working toward making this house MY abode, sans WH's 'things'.

I think your comments regarding how WS is talking to you, and asking what she can do points to her confusion. This can be good for you. Plan A those moments. If there is something you need help with, call her over, and get that help, meanwhile, make something to eat, or make the house smell good, APPEAR relaxed...even flirtatious. Make sure that you leave a LASTING, warm impression, one that whispers 'this is home...'. After you have exhausted your efforts and feel like Plan B is your only refuge, send the letter and go DARK.

sl, I am having a hard time finding that middle ground.

WS came over this weekend to do some laundry, ughhh. and was wearing a necklace that OP gave her for xmas. I maintained composure and simply said "I can't believe you are wearing that necklace in my house" she looked like she might cry and said "sorry, I forgot" (what a dufus!)
I hugged her and said "please take that off and put it in your truck, than you can finish your laundry and go"
it was slightly strained for the rest of the 1/2 hr she was there.

then today she came over for only a few minutes to pick up my son and take him to a BDay party for one of his friends, and there was the necklace again, she kept pulling her shirt up to try to hide it. after dropping off my son she came in and was just standing there in my kitchen. I had made a sauce (her favorite Sun football dinner) and I think she wanted some. I was stand-off-ish though because of that damn thing around her neck. I just wanted her to go. she kept standing there in my kitchen. she asked me what was wrong, and I said "take off that necklace or get out of my house" she lingered for a few minutes and left with a frown. as she left I stated "the next time you set foot in my house please have some respect for me" second day in a row, is she testing me, or just being a real idiot? I mean no one can be that dumb. (oh my, DJ's all around)

I had planned on making a salad and having the place irresistable for her, so she would remember what football sundays were like here. I could tell she was nostalgic, but that damn thing was staring me in the face. I couldn't take it.

in fact, I am afraid I may not even be able to plan A much at all. WS seems to be lurking everywhere. I only had one glimpse of my S this week. and then my friend L said that WS is "just about ready to come crawling home" yet I just had that necklace staring me in the face!!! Oh, and she did go out with professor lady last night and came home at 3am. wtf, is she messing around with someone else? this is unbelieveable

OK, I think I may have thrust myself unknowingly (maybe subconsciously) into plan B........hmmmmm..........

I called WS this morning to get her new address so I could change some of her bills over to her new apt. (which she doesn't want me to do btw) I think I still had a great deal of anger over the lovers necklace, and that was certainly bubbling inside.

WS new I was angry about something, and she asked, said she felt like I was ready to pounce. I maintained my composure, no profanity, and told her how upset I was about her wearing that necklace in my house, also how dissappointed I was that she made me a promise to respect my boundaries and then she proceeded to walk all over them again, 2 days in a row.

we hung up and she called me soon after to say how she thought I was over-reacting. this really gets to me, the lack of validation. I told her that I had a difficult time spending a whole 3 hours with her this week end and that I felt pain and anxiety the whole time, I felt that after 15 years she could have taken the time and effort to consider my feelings, and that if she couldn't even retain one ounce of respect for me, I didn't see where we could go from here. I told her that seeing her was too painful and that I needed her to just leave me alone. then we hung up.

hows that for a well thought out, and executed plan??????
NOT
I am so devastated, I can't take one more minute of this, can I plan B effectively without a letter?? I am making an apointment with a lawyer this week re: division of assets vs LSA in our sitch. I am going to try to avoid her until then, and we'll see what happens. I have visitation all mapped out, its just that she gives me such a hard time about dividing things up, she still tells people at her new job that I am her Significant Other. she doesn't want to discuss anything else about separating our lives,

do you think I should tell OP any of this??? or stay out of it??? I guess that would be manipulating the sitch. I hate that I keep losing my focus, I need plan B. even if i am struggling to get there.

FB,

Like I said earlier, Plan B is hard trying to get there but once you're there, you are glad you did. At least it's for me. Take that gaint step when you know you're ready.

You need a good Plan B letter and you need to stay out of WW and OP's life once Plan B. My $0.02. Good luck!!

Miketc