See the attorney first, and then go to Plan B. You have too many things that are not nailed down.

Why, pray tell, was WW doing laundry at your home in the first place? Tell her she can take her necklace and go to the laundromat.

thanks for the .02 mike and believer,

she was doing laundry because, this is still her "home"
as she puts it. that is the thing that is so frustrating. she owns half of the house so legally she can come and go as she pleases, I think I will actually have to take steps to buy her out in order to be able to prevent her from breezing in when she feels like it. of course I will be getting her to pay half the water bill as well. ugghhh, I can't believe I am going to have to shell out 100's for a lawyer. "love stinks"
I guess I should talk fast and have all my ???? prepared as to save time and money.

hmmmm.....maybe I could post for some free legal advice....

Next time she comes over, stop her at the door, and tell her cheerfully that she needs to pass the security screening. Check for the necklace, and have her leave it outside. No need to be mean about it, just let her know that this is your home and sanctuary, and you have the right for her to respect it.

Sorry to hear you're headed for Plan B, but maybe that will snap her out of it. It still sounds like she's very confused, and I think that's a good thing. The harsh reality may be what she needs.

Get the letter finished. Do you have child custody worked out? Financial details?

Hard to plan A in the face of the necklace.

sdg, thanks for your input, I know you are there as well.
life just absolutely 'bites' right now.

the scary thing is, right now...after all thats been said...and done right in front of my face...I am really losing respect for this person I see in front of me... how on earth will I ever...ever get past it??? I am so afraid that my heart has been far too damaged...that my soul has been far too wounded...to ever let her back in.

do you ever feel that way???

Sometimes I do feel that way, but 1) that's the good part about no contact, and 2) I know that this WW isn't the person I married. This person isn't the mother of my children. The person I married does not lie and cheat and treat her children the way my WW is. I know that it is temporary insanity and that my real wife is still in there somewhere. Whether or not she'll come out again remains to be seen, but the hurtful things she has done are the result of the affair.

I know all this. There are, of course, times (like today) when I find myself wondering What if she does know exactly what's she's doing? What if I'm wrong; what if she is right about not loving me; what if she does want something else? She's so good at putting a calm face (she hates it when things are not fine) on everything, such that people look at me funny when I try to describe how romantic affairs work and her behavior. Got to be strong.

I believe that I can let her back in. I know that right now I want her back in, but in the end, it will depend upon what she comes back to the relationship with. I think, however, that I've had longer to deal with the hurtful affair stuff than you have. Everything takes time. Too much damn time.

fighting,

I know that you have mentioned not NEEDING AD's right now, as you stated on sd's thread. Try to guage how you feel daily, not momentarily. If you are having trouble sleeping, due to thoughts raging through you mind, it will come back to bite you. If you FEEL too much, too often, you may want to consider them. I went through about a year of H3LL prior to starting on them...I sleep well now, and my dreams aren't NEARLY as bad...just a thought....

Now, on to the subject at hand.





I want you to know that ALL BS's feel or have felt this way...it's totally normal. I felt as if I had lost ALL respect for my H, prior to Plan B. I don't think that's true now. I see him as lost.

Look, try this one on....if you are confused and feeling lost and still shaking your head in confusion and amazement that this has happened TO you....well, your WS is prolly confused too. She may not think the same things, or the same way, but there is NO way that you don't cross her mind, it's just the WAY you cross her mind. She's going to try and shake you off, like a bad pitch or a missed catch...

The fog is thick, but not thick enough to keep you completely obliterated from her thought process. That is part of the reason that Plan A calls for you to be O&H while trying to fill THEIR EN's, so that they are forced to think of you in a positive way, to SEE your changes, because they DO SEE; just through cloudy glasses...

Depression runs in my family, so I was on ADs prior to the affair. Just not enough. I'm sure that my depression was a contributing factor to the affair (I don't beat myself up over this, though). Being appropriately medicated has made a huge difference for me and has made it easier for me to be the strong parent my kids need right now.

sl, this really is an aspect I had not considered and it rings true, I am full to the brim of expectations....also, we have a mutual friend who keeps filling me up with optimism....ie: "she is misiing you so bad" " I just know she will smarten up" of course, who would not want to hear all those things....but that is only one side of the coin...

I am going to try to cut my expectations to nothing....hard to do....I expect her to crawl back with her tail between her legs and beg for me back...I guess I know that wont happen...but I stiill kind of want it to...I need to start living in reality again...I am limmiting comtact this week and so far she has respected that...I cut my plan B letter way down...just to the point...after sat I can update it and give it to her next week.

thanks for all your support guys

Wow!
You just described all of the feeling and emotions that I go through. I label mine as FEAR! I am going to read the advice that you have received because I am there. My WS is in the house with me, but is so withdrawn. I know I am being a doormat, but can't imagine being without her. I just want my family back. How do you move from the place of fear?

JR, what is your sitch, is she having contact???
when was D-day??



moving despite my fear is more like it. I just got to the point where I decided that my feelings are more important than hers. I am still afraid every day. But now I take responsibility for myself...and surprisingly it feels good not having to be responsible for "fixing" her.

fighting,

You've got it right! Proceed in the face of fear. Don't avoid it, don't deny it, deal with it. Pinpoint what those fears are, work toward dispelling them...

YOu were never responsible for 'fixing' her...that is control and is wrong, and disrespectful. I have learned that the hard way. It took Plan B for me, to see the err of MY ways...

sl, so so true, I am learning so much through this experience, I am finally learning that I can only control myself....scary...but empowering...

WS gave me two peaceful days of silence....now today she has called me three times...at first for finance questions...then to ask about our "disney trip" (we had promised the kids we would go in may) she asked what we were going to do about the trip?..the kids really want to go. and I said "nothing" ....

her third call was to ask of she could take the kids to Disney alone...I told her they were her kids and of course she could take them on vacation, but I would not approve of her going with OP....she said she might take her mother..and I said that would be fine

I resisted the temptation to tell her what I really thought....that is a step in the right direction.....this is so hard...

that's MY family...MY trip...My life...I have to face the fact that she may take OP (though I don't know how on earth they will afford it) and I HAVE to accept that. ugh!!

I do have to say that my first reaction would have been "you can't do that...you couldn't possibly manage that by yourself" but now I aknowledge that those statements are disrespectful. and she is a very capable person...certainly capable of taking her children on vacation.......she is just pulling at my heart strings...it hurts...but I refuse to react....I will not play these games anymore....my resolve is getting stronger.....

.....and weaker.... OK, three more phone calls...talking about how she had to get a laundry card at her apartment.......as she can't come to the house now...her discover card got denied(over the limit)....and how she can't be around me because she makes my skin crawl...and how the reason for all of this is because she is so selfish...

I was very silent on the phone...then said I had to go do some house stuff....confirmed our meeting time on sat to talk about LSA...she said she didn't want to discuss anything about it...I told her all she had to do was read and then sign a paper that I have already typed up....she reluctantly agreed....

I think I am going to stop answering her calls...thats enough contact for today...my heart is heavy again...I feel like I need to move on...this is so hard..........

FB,

Stop talking to her directly, you need to heal and detach yourself from her and her A; you're in Plan B correct? Believe me, it gets easier and you'll feel better as time goes on. My WW moved out 12/25/06, that's right Christmas day, after opening of kids' presents.

Good luck and get well.

FB, don't answer the phone. If there's something she really needs to communicate about, tell her to do it by email or text message. The more personal the contact, the harder it is.

And why don't you take the kids on the Disney trip without WS? There's a nice message with that action.

FB:

Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

Somewhere in between right?

So, you are not trying to meet her needs, and you are not ignoring her.

So, If you want to Plan B, Plan B!

You don't slide into Plan B, You just do it, after Plan A doesn't end the A.

Your WS calls wimpering on the phone, and you answer her questions.

The Disney trip? You just let her know that there isn't a future for the two of you.

In Plan B, she doesn't ask. In Plan A, you might make plans. Instead, your WS is in complete limbo as to what you are trying to accomplish.

Send the Plan B Letter tommorrow. Or after the LSA meeting. But get the PBL delivered!

Ok? Because it will make your life easier.

Or, Commit to a real Plan A. Her A is burning out, and you need to be ready to pick up the pieces...

Mike....christmas day uggh!!!!!!!....sorry, but thanks for your support

sdg, great idea about Disney...but I think that would be over my head...and I would just wish WS was there, well S anyway...I have already secured our summer beach rental...the kids love that...

lousygolfer,
thanks for the help...I do feel like I am in limbo...and I stopped wondering what the heck she is feeling...but you are so, so right..the only thing stopping me from full on plan B is the LSA...which is really just an agreement between the two of us..but at least if I feel I get that done I can cut off contact..

you are so right...the time has come...OK, off to tidy up my PBL. thanks all for your support!!!

How's it going, FB?

ok guys...thanks for checking in sdg

feeling pretty solid today...everything did not go as planned this weekend...but I did give PBL to WS as well as LSA. WS delayed signing LSA...wanted to "talk about it" first..delaying...avoiding...
we spoke a few time on the telephone...WS asking all kinds of ???'s about PBL...I ended up reiterating the points of PBL verbally...

so WS says she will sign LSA and give to me this week...holding it hostage... and since PBL WS has really been trying to break me...showed up at son's doctors appointment(with her necklace on btw) and pressured me to go to dinner with the kids...doesn't understand why we can't "date each other...to see if we can fix our M"

I did really well at sticking to the basic...reiterating PBL...then asked her to leave...hard not to jump in the car and go to dinner with my family...but I stayed strong...

I am feeling more control over my life now..even though my plan B isn't as strong as it should be, my mindset is.
I used to feel like "how am I going to do this by myself?....forgive her? fix my M? ever get these details out of my head? trust again?"

Now I feel I don't HAVE to do any of that..of course I want my M to work... but not at the expense of my own happiness.. and not all by myself...this is quite empowering...I am in control of what I am going to make of my life...and what and who I will allow in my life

maybe she will come back to the table and really want to work on our M and then I will be blessed with that chance...or maybe she wont and I will go out and find some wonderful things in life for just me alone... I am starting to learn that I will be happy either way...although both roads will be challenging. I also realized that I really don't want to live with WS...just my Spouse...therefore if WS never leaves...I will never want her. and I am starting to think I can live with that.

thanks for all your support everyone..I am plugging on