Stop wanting her to say the things you want. It won't happen anytime soon. Get that. Know that.

I totally agree with SL - don't ask, don't listen, don't want to know.

I wasn't that smart. I now know that. Totally hurt my sitch all by myself - because of myself. My weakness. Didn't want to - didn't have to.

Niether do you.

Get strong. Stay strong.

How many pushups did you do today?

Don't give in, FB. Leave her hanging until you're sure it's your W and not your WW. Your WW is a lying, foul creature who will do anything to relieve her own pain. Until she cares about yours, you want nothing to do with her.

I agree with SL and cgw--stop getting info about WW. I made that detachment, and it helps quite a bit.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I know how hard it is, but hang in there. Stay Dark! Stay strong. Play with the kids. Don't give in without coming here first.

(((FB)))

SDG

thanks sdg, SL, cgw, mister blue

I needed that. sometimes its hard to recorrect myself to the degree necessary when I'm in that low, needy mood.



I have had periods of detatching very well, and then weaker moments. I have been working a lot of overtime and did not schedule any ME time last week, so I ended up overtired and overworked with no self care. I think that really took a toll on me and left me defenseless. just shows me that I really need to take care of myself so I can stay strong. I appreciate all the moral support. it is priceless and I really needed it.

I think I have been cheating on my plan B...the whole entire time...I have been talking to my MIL and a friend L, getting updates and such on WS, and they have been relaying info the other way as well. now I can see how bad of an idea that was. tomorrow is a new day though, and I am certainly not out of the game. just have to reformulate.



got it!



yup, sdg thats my new plan....no sudden moves without careful consideration. and expert advice. thanks again everyone for pugging along with me.

btw I have to tell you. I have 2 friends that I have confided in about posting here, and have brought up advice from MB in conversations with them. the other day C said to me "you don't really even KNOW those people" (she is the one encouraging me to have dinner with WS). she just doesn't GET IT. you know she probably is right, I don't know your names or where you live, but all I know is if I didn't have this team of people...ordinary everyday people going through the same crap I am...I would be crying my eyes out, helpless, defenseless against those monsters who are determined to put me down. I feel like I am the one in those Verizon ads...the guy with the phone and a hundred people behind him in the network. thats what MB is to me...thank you all for your support!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

People don't get it and are skeptical about advice from random strangers on the web. But the majority of people out there don't understand infidelity to begin with, and they don't know that they don't understand, and they don't understand that the people and resources here DO understand. I used to get funny looks and skepticism until I started describing how every little thing about my situation was correctly predicted here first. The things that get said by WS's, their behaviors, the emotions BS's feel--how many times have you seen someone say "Man, I could be reading my own thoughts here." And the similarities of what WS's say and do still kind of freaks me out. I printed out Hiker's Romantic Affairs guide and showed it to a friend at work, and his comment was "But this is just what you said. . . it's like you wrote this." People don't get it, but I'm convinced that the advice and perspectives here are vastly more useful than what comes from friends, etc.

Wanting updates is part of the struggle. You have your own withdrawal (remember me driving by WW's place and looking in the garage?) to deal with. But it's worth it to detach. Stop cheating. Why do you want to know what that person who hurt you so badly is doing? You don't. Be strong.

yup, I know...strict WS diet starting NOW!!!! I have talked to my MIL and friend L and asked them both not to bring up WS to me, no updates, no nothing, and I am not going to be telling them about my plans either. time to let WS start wondering about me for a change. wonder IF I will take her back, wonder IF I still love her. I emailed WS with a little reminder of plan B. I can almost hear her saying to herself "yeah, right." she knows me so well. now I really HAVE to stand by it. I am weak, but I know I can do better...for my own sanity....and my M in the end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

fb,
good job! you can't imagine what peace there is when you're "out of the drama".
you might check out Milkshake's thread. she updated today about how she leaned on her family, friends & co-workers to fill her EN's when her WH couldn't.
focus only on self-care and your relationship with your kids. those are all that matter now.
hugs,
cgw

Nice job, FB.

And, when you start to hurt and feel bad -- consider a brisk walk - even at 3am!

To switch mental anguish gears, I started to read FICTION! A total 180 for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Like cgw stated: self-care & kid-care!

Peace.

blue

1st day of REAL plan B------check!
day 2 and going strong. lol
this is not too bad. lol

I do not have any idea why I am laughing right now. It reminds me of my plan A, I would have really strong days, then days with real bad triggers where I would lose it in front of WS. she would say "oh, your manic today" / how flippin disrespectful.

anyway, I guess its the feeling of being back in control that feels so good. why on earth have I been waiting for her to determine MY happiness?? I guess when I feel weak, I revert back to old habits, thats the best way I can explain it. I am making plans for next time i feel weak....treadmill, retail therapy always works, posting here. also, I spent time with friends after work yesterday, nice place to vent and feel validated.

btw, my WS has gotten into a habit of emailing or texting me everyday now with one small message "i'm sorry"
just words....just words....no action!!!
I realize now that voicemail and texting are taking away her ability to manipulate me on the phone. I am taking the upper hand!!!!

FB,
it may be an inconvenience, but you may wish to change you cell# and email address. The fact that your WS can send you these messages gives you WS a "hook" to be able to manipulate you.

FB,
I agree with gf. if you can't change the number & address, can you block her? it's when the WS thinks they are losing you that they begin to have second thoughts about their future. keep her guessing! also, don't let her know of your plans while she has the kids. do you have an intermediary? MIL? that would be helpful.
I had my strong days too. enjoy them!
on the bad days, go with the flow...it's really ok.
remember: one day at a time.
hugs,
cgw

I have actually not changed these numbers/email as I need some way to communicate with WS. the emails have been straight forward and no funny stuff so far from WS. my MIL is feeling very overwhelmed with being an intermediary because of all the drama. also, MIL is not able to separate the pertinent information and was letting me in on all of WS's activities. it was not healthy for me to hear it all. so far, I am happy with the emailing. I have not spoken a word or heard WS's voice in 4 days. thats the longest time apart since I have known her. whew!! I am somber, but ok.

It is giving me such peace to be away from all of the drama.



this is a bit scary for me....I am not a game player...I am an open book. I know what I want and have been honest with WS. I see plan B as moving on, and once you start on a path like that it is hard to turn the car around. my biggest fear used to be her not wanting to give us a chance...now, my biggest fear is me not being able to turn around and look at her the same way. my view of her is so different now. I don't know if I am capable of sacrificing anymore of myself to this raging fire. I can feel myself hardening, I can feel the walls going up.

I am trying to remember the begining of our R, why we fell in love, all great memories, but it just makes me angrier that she chose to throw it all away. I feel like I am losing my love for her.

fighting,

This is the point of plan B, and the crux...holding onto love for someone is difficult, and may be ruined by interaction with the WS.

Also, don't you think it is GOOD that you feel like YOU have the decision to make about recovery and not your WS? If you stay dark, you will be more clear on YOUR conditions for beginning the work of recovery, and you will be less likely to revert to your 'old ways'. Just my $.02.

If you have a willing WS for recovery, you don't have to turn the car around, you just need to slow down a bit, let them catch up...

Again, I repeat, the fewer interactions with her (WS), the more likely you will hold on to your love for her (Spouse). Understand?

Take care of yourself this weekend...

hmmmmm. I know that's what they say...but I feel a bit different today..I feel worse without contact...I don't know why..I guess I realize what the end point should be, and hopefully will be. so, I guess I am starting to heal...with or without WS, right? and what if I start to feel better without her...even compared to our R before the A?

I have been stepping back, and from this view, I think I may have been in an emotionally abusive relationship……lots of disrepect….. manipulation…..controlling…..criticism…and I lived with a certain degree of anxiety on a daily basis. The more I step back, the more I am unsure whether I want to proceed forward. that is what is so scary...me making the choice to step out of it. it is nice to live without all that stress. maybe I should take this as a sign and get out while I can.

After hearing the degree to which you have to put your needs aside in recovery. I don’t know if I can stand accepting WS as is….letting her get through withdrawal…for however long…and then broaching all these issues that I have with her. By having control over my own life now I am thinking I don’t want to go back to the enabling codependent that I was, and I feel that may be the only way to accept WS back. I might not even be making any sense right now....just thinking outloud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You're making LOADS of sense. Plan B is a place where you are free to THINK.

If you choose to end the R, you can know that you did everything within your power to affect change. You now FULLY understand Plan B. It is FULL detachment. Take your time to be objective. Don't forget the children in all of this. If you have lost all love for your WS, then you must deal with that in your own way. You will find support here no matter what your choice.

The recovery is tough, and I KNOW there are no guarantees, but I KNOW this is the chance that I want. I, therefore, must do the required work in order to affect change. This is my choice. WH has made his choice. I still only control me, so recovery is not a given. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm telling you that you are being logical. Keep 'thinking aloud'. It's good.

Remember that recovery does not = doormat, and you may get the chance to have a better R, without disrespect, manipulations, and anxiety. just my opinion.

thanks SL for the validation. much needed.



I am getting it...and it is so hard, but totally better than being stuck in the muck

I have had a pretty strong weekend. WS picked up the kids yesterday at 2pm and I had a great night with friends and decided to take off today...mental health. WS is going crazy looking for me as I stayed at a friends house last night. WS called my work looking for me. then left a manipulative message stating that she needed help with medication for the kids. my MIL says kids are fine. I did well with staying dark and I feel pretty good. I get the kids back tomorrow but she is at my house today with the kids...argggghhhh!!!!

I am keeping strong, no contact for 6 days now....very very dark....feeling somber, but maintaining...going to get some retail therapy in today as well as a movie to get my mind off of things....

keeping strong!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you are doing very well. Please keep it up. In Plan B, you can get some perspective, and also protect your love for her. Soon you will realize that you don't have to go back to the old relationship, and can insist on a much better one.

ditto Believer.
stay strong. stay dark. it's working.
in my Plan B letter, I stated: "communication only for family emergencies, legal & financial reasons."
and just remember: personal recovery can happen in addition to or in conjunction with marital recovery.
I grew a lot during Plan B. there's a lot of satisfaction when you can say "I'm not afraid anymore." and "I can do this by myself if I have to."
hugs,
cgw

Fighting, you sound like you are doing well! You will begin to gain more perspective and courage as the days go by. Keep it up!

Great job, FB! Keep it up!

cgw....this is definately where I am...I have never been alone...always hopped from one R to the next. I am growing and learning what I want and need out of a R, and out of life in general. I am feeling very depressed because as I look back at the mistakes I have made...I wish I had taken time at the beginning of my current R to do this soul searching. to look inside and see what I wanted out of life. maybe things would be different now. hindsight!

plan B is hard, but I am doing it. really doing it. it makes me a little sad because as I am doing all this self discovery, I am finding that I am not missing my WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />