thanks Eph...I guess I had thought that my kids would come through this unscathed because they are a bit too young to really understand it. that idea is out the window...just a bit more of the reality of the sitch hitting...

on a good note, at least I think its good... I was a bit put upon by WS this morning....when she came to drop off the kids, she came up the stairs from the garage and made herself a bowl of oatmeal...stood in my kitchen and ate it...i didn't look at her or even acknowledge her...and truthfully...this is the good part....I felt ZERO anxiety...no butterflies in the stomach...no boiling anger...no reaction at all...it truly did not affect me...well, I guess I did realize she was there...but it did not affect me in a negative way.

I went right over to my son and began talking to him about a video game we had been discussing and about 5 minutes later, she was gone...I did not even see her leave..

now, I feel wonderful...I feel like I am finally rising above all the hurt and drama. today is my best yet...i hope it lasts.

I wonder if this means I am really losing that little bit of love I have left for her...maybe so...if thats the case...I am not afraid anymore...sad for my kids, but this is not too bad...I can handle it. maybe a glimpse that life WILL go on. I dunno...just talking it out

Wow. Pretty rude.

According to Mortarman, you've locked up the love inside your plan B to protect it. It's still there.

sdg...if thats true...its locked up pretty tight... I was at dinner with friends last night. and thats how I explained it...that I still have love for WS and its locked up inside...I explained that WS is not a "safe place" for me to be right now... and until she makes it "safe" to be around her...I am going to move on to bigger and better things...and get back to taking care of me...I like looking at it that way...

the kids are getting pretty tired of the shuffling to and fro...WS lives in a small 1 bedroom apart...that is nicely furnished but not very kid friendly...they get bored there frequently...and much of the time they spend going to the gym with her so she can get her workout in. its so hard to see that they are uncomfortable there. but I try to keep reminding myself that I can't fix it. they really are not in any danger...its not much of a consolation, you want your kids to be loved, and cared for and content...not just accompanied...this is WS's pattern though...self motivated. everything she does is about her self ....work...school...gym...OP...then there comes wife and family/ DEAD last.

whew...I could not sleep for the life of me last night...feeling tired now...but I am planning a weekend to philly...that should be fun...and trying to redecorate my DD5's room...should be fun.

Fighting:

Why is WS having Oatmeal in your Kitchen?

She can let the kids out in the driveway. Make sure they are in the door and safe.

And ask your children to talk to WS about their fears. She's part of this too.

And tell your DS8 why you asked WS to "get the F*** out"

Because she didn't do this:

1. Respect you.
2. Stop seeing other people
3. And she can return when she does this.
4. There isn't room for 3 mommies in this R, only 2.

Are the children affected by this.

YES.

And WS needs to suffer this and do something about it as well. Not just exercise her way to a better life.

And she stood in your Kitchen, eating Oatmeal, hoping to provoke you in to dealing with her. And you didn't take the bait. For that you should be commended. But keep her out of the house.

Laundry?

There's a laundromat for her.

Need stuff for the kids?

She can send a note thru your intermediary.

This is your House.

Control it.

You do not walk unannouced into hers, and would never stop for a bowl of oatmeal.

So enforce those boundaries.

OK?

LG

WTF, I would kindly ask her to leave while I pour the oatmeal into the sink. Doesn't she have any respect for you and your boundaries? Come on FB, tell her not to come back into YOUR house until the conditions in the Plan B letter are satisfied. You need to stop being so nice, stand up to what you believe in.

LG and Mike...thanks for the support

yes, you are 100% right, I am being too nice...way too nice....sometimes I accept the status quo....and think I am prepared and clearly I am not...I was happy to maintain my control, but you are right...she should not have done that. I did not react because I did not want to lose my composure with my kids, but I can see now I am going to have to put up more of a bunker on the front line to prevent the crossing... got to do more of that....

You go there, Girlfriend. Put up your boundaries and make sure she understands them.

No more LUNCHIN'. If she wants to be a mooch, she can go elsewhere for that. Now, if she wants to sit at the grown-ups table, and grow a brain, and act as a loving spouse does, then that's one thing. I'm not seeing any remorse in a woman barging into NOW, your space, and doing whatever she pleases.

No ma'am. I say change the locks anyway. You are living alone, and need to feel more safe, right? Good enough...

If you must, stop her at the door, let her say her goodbyes (while you wait out of sight) and then CLOSE the door.

yup...I think the reason she is having such a hard time REALLY understanding me is that I have never laid down any boundaries...ever....at all. so she really doesn't like hearing what I have to say....and I guess she doesn't really believe I am serious. gosh, it feels so hopeless....how will she EVER hear me....I am despondent thinking of how little respect she has for me...and I feel more than partly to blame...what on earth have I been teaching my kids...."sure, mom will take it all...just lay it on...she's got no spine" OK, enough of the pity party...for goodness sake I am far from an invalid....

here it is....GUILT...I am dropping this at the door and putting on some armor.....I am going to have to send another plan B letter to thick head, and take out ALL the loving comments, and leave it with just the stick...

keep the 2x4's coming, I need them to stay strong!!!!!

Fighting, she will hear you when you are COMPLETELY silent, and she is not getting any EN's met by you, OR YOUR HOUSE!!! When she can't speak to you anymore, or affect you anymore, she'll remember things that you said and did, IN THE PAST, because that is all she will have. JUST as all you have to remember her by are the things that she has said and done. Let her marinate in all that you have done, all of the loving strength that you show and have shown.

Lay that boundary down, it is your fenceline around you. You will only accept this behavior...It's TOUGH, I know, but the best thing to do is to start NOW, while in Plan B. Do not extend anything to her. She will not find bottom while you support her...

Boundaries. They may have been an issue in the past, so it's a good thing for you to work on. Plus, your WS desperately needs them. She's the one that really needs the 2x4. That she doesn't seem to get it makes it that much harder for you, but it sounds like you really need to strengthen the boundaries. I agree with changing the locks and making it clear that she's not welcome there.

well.......sdg...sl...mike...lg....

WS is not seeing my boundaries...she is blinded...by my actions of the past....by my inability to speak clearly and be heard....actually more by her inability to listen and understand...boundaries...she sees them as more of a wisper of dust lying on the floor which she steps right over....boundaries...she doesn't acknowledge them...doesn't even comfirm that they exist.

I worked on friday until 7pm...then drove home for 2 1/2 hrs in the snow storm(MA to NH) my children were home with MIL...I walked in at 10pm to find WS sleeping in my bed... MIL was chuckling...friend Lisa also chuckling..."isn't that cute...how funny, ha ha" If I had had a gun, I truly would be up for murder...I pulled off the covers and as calmly as I could, I told her to get up and get out. she proceeded to grab a pillow and plant herself in bed with DS8... at this point i had an audience...DD5 and DS8...who were so happy "look, mommy is here!"

I could not speak as I was sure to spit venom and was determined not to have my children see that. so I went to bed....stirred...fumed...all night.

there's more but I gotta run....(at work)

FB - When a person is first starting to have boundaries, their partner, friends, and even children, NEVER respect the boundaries. They prefer the good old days WITHOUT any boundaries. So your wife is perfectly normal.

As you get more confident that you need the boundaries, and more skillful in maintaining them, that will change. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to develop them. Good boundaries will help you the rest of your life, and will be excellent for your children too.

thanks believer...Its so nice to be validated.... I guess it is hard for WS to actually believe this is what i want and need....but is it hopeless to ever think it will sink in???

the rest of the story is....I woke up to hear WS playing with the kids, then everyone came in my room and jumped in bed...it was bittersweet, because I knew it was false. I hoped right out of bed, and said "everyone give mommy kisses and hugs because she's got to go now" she was so angry she could spit venom...asked me why I was being so mean to her. ME, mean to her?!@#$%^ foggy, foggy.

I'll be back...

how does my inability to maintain boundaries prior to the A have an effect on my plan B....none right?....plan B is plan B...it will just be that much harder to maintain the front line...for me...as this is such a new behavior...everyone is unsure how to take me....

yup...give me the frying pan on the head...I guess I am just as dumbfounded as the rest of the people in my life...I can't understand why no one is listening to me...I am finally talking...saying what I mean ...what I need....I am changed, and I expect everyone to just know that....they don't...they don't see the changes in me...I still look the same on the outside.....but maybe after I have behaved consistently for a while, they will get to know the new me.

I will say I was always one of those women who never said what they mean, always lied about my wants and needs "no, I am fine...don't worry about me" and on the inside I was screaming "yes, worry about me, I have needs" I guess WS is so overwhelmed because I have always given the impression that I was OK with anything she did...she had all the control... she does not like losing that.

I guess you live and learn...got to go to home depot tomorrow and learn how to change the locks... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Is there anyone else you have BESIDES MIL to watch your children? She, apparently, does not respect you, or your wishes. These are not HER children, this is NOT her life. I would also make sure that your 'friend?' Lisa, is it? I would ensure that she is WELL aware of your boundaries here.

Your Spouse left you, chose to break a promise to protect you, chose to be wayward. Your choices are now to protect yourself and your family from ALL that would treat you in the same manner. Oh, I am SO angry FOR you. Can you tell? It's not tough to change locks, especially if they are similar to what you already have...

did I mention I had a very bad night last night...almost couldn't hold me composure at all...the Ice show reminded me of when WS and I went to disney world together before kids...they did a number of "its a small world" almost broke down right there....(deep breath)

DS8 noticed of course and said "if you just tell me what to do, I can help talk to mommy and tell her to stop hurting your feelings" thats my boy...I told him that his caring was helping so much and that he was my strength. he hugged me for a long time.

I feel so crappy today.....I WAS feeling so good...didn't sleep much last night...I feel as if I have been thrust back in time a few months...I don't know if I can take any more of this...I feel like a punching bag.

sl, thanks for your anger...I need someone to understand the depths of my emotions...

MIL and friend Lisa are going to be my intermediaries...but they don't fully understand plan B...prior to friday they saw me doing good, staying strong and they forget how much I am hurting...now after hearing me an emotional mess yesterday and most of last night, they are both back to understanding me, both appologized for their part in the episode on friday, and both are willing to send messages back and forth to help.

if I don't remind them everyday of how this hurts, they forget...assume I am the old me...the one that doesn't need anything...the one thats OK with everything... If I am put together they think what WS is doing is ok, because I am dealing so well... the squeeky wheel, you know.

do you think I should send a pbl to MIL and Lisa so they know where I stand??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

guys (and girls) if I have doorknobs that just have the turn locks in them, couldn't I just unscrew them...go to home depot and replace the whole dang door knob...I bet that would come with new keys...sounds pretty idiot proof to me....

the garage door opener could be a problem, I don't have a key to her car, and she is not likely to give it up. do you know her mother has been parking in her slot in the garage and she has to use the manual controls on the wall. she even aske WS for the opener and she refused...selfish

someone said I might be able to reprogram a new garage door opener?? is that right??