Don't know much about the garage door opener. Mine only have locks, no opener. About the door knobs; if you do not have a deadbolt and only have the in-the-knob locks, then, yes all you have to do is go buy a simlar door knob with the locking mechanism inside. It will be good for you to take back your sanity by doing this.

Make sure you change ALL entries into the house. If you have a door off of the garage, change that. If you have an entry through the basement, that too.

Also, point out to your family and friends that it is WHEN you are feeling and looking most together, that this boundary must continue to be enforced, not only when you are breaking down. I think you just need to help them to understand that you are looking for peace, and that is not a temporary fix, or something that only takes a couple of weeks. It could be months before things are more settled. If they are going to be the intermediaries, then they need to wait until you say WHEN.

My intermediary did not pan out, and that's okay. Many people cannot take conflict and want to do whatever it takes to smooth things over, even if it is the WRONG thing. I, however, deal well with conflict, and with quiet, so I'm going it alone in Plan B. I'm now trying to convince myself to hang on a bit longer for my son's sake. I have been reading FAR too much about divorce and it's effects on EVERYONE, but especially children. I KNOW what it has done to ME, but it took me all of this time to find out. I'm actually considerably lucky that I chose to live my life in the open; many do not. Anyway, I could go on, but most people here already know these things.

Just take care of you, state your boundaries to your family. Boundaries do not work unless you STATE them. NOW is a great time to begin to become self-aware and find out what your boundaries even ARE. With some quiet days, you'll rebound.

Yes if you go to the manual door opener there should be some instructions on the flip door on changing the code.

"I can't understand why no one is listening to me...I am finally talking...saying what I mean ...what I need....I am changed, and I expect everyone to just know that....they don't...they don't see the changes in me...I still look the same on the outside.....but maybe after I have behaved consistently for a while, they will get to know the new me"

I never had even HEARD of boundaries. When my counselor told me I needed some, I started doing a lot of reading about them. Cloud and Townsend have an excellent book "Boundaries".

It is hard at first, but gets to be second nature, and will be very good for you.

thanks everyone for the input.....

sl...yes I am going to clarify what I need from the intermediaries in regards to plan B...I think they will support me, but it is hard because they have alliances to WS...and a point I might like to add is that they are in WS's 'circle' of life so to speak...and I am realizing that we are all partners in giving WS what she wants in life....

when people stand up to WS...she removes herself from the sitch. again...back to her control issues....I think this is playing out a bit with the intermediaries...she gets talking, manipulating everyone to do her bidding....she has even told Lisa to try to talk me into going to dinner with her....that was before my plan B got stronger...Lisa even blamed WS for her getting put on the "blacklist" because she would not stop talking of WS to me...so I told her I couldn't talk to her...she changed her tune though.

viking...thanks...I will check it out when I get home tonight...


believer thanks so much...I am going to order it from amazon right now...with overnight delivery...lol

The book is from a Christian perspective - forget if you are or not, but if not, don't worry. It is excellent for anyone. You will probably see yourself over and over.

Wow, FB. Talk about a trigger. I agree with SL that you may not be able to trust your MIL. If you haven't clearly explained the boundaries concept to your intermediaries, that's probably worth a shot, but I think you need to be able to enforce them yourself.

Sorry the Disney on Ice wasn't the experience you were shooting for. It sounds like you have a great son, though.

Get those boundaries firmed up (locks changed, etc) and back on your Plan B. It really sounds like it's working.

ok....still haven't changed the locks...but I know where to go to get it done.... that got bumped to tommorow in favor of quality time with my kids....but I am on it....also dragged out the old papers and found instruction manual for garage openers...I'm on that too. feeling more powerful today...

WS has been surprisingly silent and absent...maybe she is getting the message!!!! I sent her a revised copy of plan B with a bit more of the stick attatched to it (long on stck...short on love)...still with the willingness to reconcile....but this time I spelled out all of the conditions for reconciliation....step by step....including NC..IC...O&H...POJA...also keeping her apartment until she can prove a willingness for extraordinary measures.

Lisa said she was in a bit of a panic, but Lisa encouraged her to stay away as she doesn't feel she is ready....thats it...now I am back to plan B....dark, and darker...

making dinner for friends tomorrow night and we are planning to watch "the devil wears prada" and maybe another movie...kind of a marathon night....2 friends who are also having R problems...I am trying to think of something special to do for all of us...hmmmm? I did get them both copies of "codependent no more"....we are all ACOA...and all have boundary issues....kind of my own personal support group.

I guess I finally feel back on track again....gosh that was a rough one, pms didn't help one bit, btw....sorry guys TMI

OK, I think I am going to vomit/
just got a call from the school nurse because DS8 was down for c/o of not feeling well...she sees him as having some emotional problems dealing with all this (uh..yeah) and is going to set him up with counseling at the school...also I am going to get him to see someone at home...

I got a call from WS who suggested that I spend some time away from the house...to give me a chance to deal a little better....I said I am doing the best I can and that if WS respected my boundaries stuff like this weekend would not have to happen. she said she is planning to stay away.

I have huge amount of guilt because my son saw me crying this week..I just feel so deflated...I mean I am trying so darn hard to protect him from this...I can't have him lose that confidence in me.

huge blow for me today...

I'm right there with you fighting. Just do as you have been, get the help for your son that he needs. You haven't done anything wrong. If your DS sees you crying, explain why, not about the person or thing, but about the emotion, and let him know that mommy is okay.

WS calling you to tell you to spend time away from the house, WHAT leisure time? You don't need her help KNOWING this, duh. Hopefully, she will keep her distance after your most recent PBL delivery; she is obviously STILL oblivious to what NC with you is. The fact that she called is no good. I would let ALL of her calls go to voicemail or message. If it's about the kids, by all means, CALL BACK, otherwise, why talk. You are weakening your own boundaries and falling into the same old traps.

Focus on the task at hand, getting help for DS8. NO ONE goes unscathed in these situations. NO ONE...

((((FB))))

You're doing a great job, FB. It's not your fault that your kids are affected, and to pretend like you're not affected by what's happening would be lying, in my opinion.

Get help for your kids where they need it. I think I would want to talk to the counselor separately, though, and explain Plan B to them. It's not an easy concept to grasp, and one runs the risk of looking like a spiteful jerk.

Your son is old enough for you to share some of your feelings with him. You can tell him that you miss his mom, and sometimes feel sad, and that it is okay and normal. I hope he feels like it is safe to talk to you about things.

thanks everyone....it is tough...

my son is very smart....emotionally...he already "gets" what is going on...and he does talk to me...I think the problem is that he need a neutral party to speak to...I think he is afraid to take sides...doesn't really know who is at fault and is cautious of not hurting his parents feelings....he is very thoughtful....I just think he needs to vent a bit more and is cautious about doing that with me or WS.....I think IC will definately help him.

sdg...I agree about the truthfullness, sat I just told him that mommy hurts my feelings and doesn't know how to make it better, and thats why I can't be around her right now. I don't think he expected this to go on so long...as WS told him she'd be back in a few months....how very secure she was.

sl..I did let the call go to voicemail, but WS left me amessage that DS8 was in the nurses office having an emotional breakdown(exaggerated)...and I took the bait...I should have called the school directly, but at that point MIL and WS had already called...gut reaction....mama bear...maybe anger at being the last to know....grrrr....of course MIL called WS first....grrrr

one last thing....Lisa called to confirm a message from WS that she DOES intend to honor my request as of latest PBL. lets give her a medal...she is learning. it seems that the fog may be clearing as WS was freaked out at some of the things I said....long on the stick...doesn't matter...I am getting what I want from me....peace and serenity as provided by plan B....

livin the dream!! oh yeah!!

sl, i don't know why but this makes me laugh...I bet she'll call me tomorrow to tell me she wont be calling me anymore....hahahaha

lisa says she only called because she saw this as emergent..again I did call back.

well...safe and warm in my plan B...gosh I don't ever want to leave this place...

I have been seriously considering giving up on my plan B. with all the distance from WS, I am really taking inventory of my R. I am not liking what I am seeing. I loved my W with everything I had in me. I really truly feel that my short comings were in no way shape and form enough to push WS to an A. just normal imperfections that we all have. even WS says she doesn't know what it is that I was not filling in her. that I was everything she wanted...blah, blah blah. more like i did everything she asked.

I lived in a R full of continual judgement from WS. nothing I ever did was good enough. I always felt that my presence was ruining everone's great time. I either talked too much, or didn't talk enough. gained a bit of weight after my third child. now ladies I am not talking a cow here, I was about 15 lbs overweight. she would not let it go. she even said she was not so much concerned about my health, but about my lack of self control. she saw it as a weakness.

I guess thats the whole problem of our R and the lack of respect. she sees me as weak. I cry....weak. I watch mindless TV...weak. I read fiction(god forbid)...weak. I eat fried foods occasional(bite your tongue)...weak. I like scrapbooking...useless. shopping...again useless.

as a matter of fact the only thing I ever did that was bearable is my profession...being a nurse is just about the only thing that rates in her book. and she also believes I am a good mother.

I guess i am despondent because as much as I want to save my family, I am unsure of the cost. and if I am really seeing things clearly for the first time in my life. this picture is not pretty. I mean, there is a degree to which people want to change. but how reasonable is it to ask someone to change everything about them. that is what would need to happen for WS to become the person I want in a R.

so after thats said, I feel that I may be overstaying my welcome in plan B. why not just move on to becoming a happy coparent and stop dragging out the inevitable.....people don't really change. and this judgement thing is the heart and soul of WS. it drives her everyday. you can't change someone's inner self, even if she wanted to, and by the way, she doesn't

It's not just about accepting that which the WS deals you, it is about finding yourself amongst the wreckage, saying howdy, and healing. I wouldn't do one month of Plan B and then quit. Take some time; there is no rush, is there?

You may find that the more time you have to settle in (since last contact was only last week) the better you feel. You are STILL focusing on WS; when the focus is SECURELY back on you, THEN I think you would be ready to move out of Plan B.

Maybe your WS will never change, but I don't really think you have given this serious time and commitment to be able to say that YOU will never change.

sl...much food for thought...because of contact...I am back to square one it seems... gosh I hate this rat race. but how do you place that focus back on you without moving on in your head. I agree I am VERY WS focused right now.

maybe if I look at plan B as moving on in a way, then I could grasp the concept a bit better. and wrap my head around it.

part of what is confusing me is that when WS and I got together we were both in a R...we left our girlfriends at the time(mine was my first love) and got together. we were both not getting needs met in the R we had been in. now that I look back on it...we were both in the fog.

so, with all the MB stuff now, I am thinking...overthinking I guess of the whats...hows...whys...we ended up here. if I WAS in the FOG back then...is it just clearing now?? then I get a bit foggy myself....thinking it wasn't meant to be and all that garbage. thinking about what my XGF did and didn't do...if I had known about MB back then.....now, I am thinking I have failed twice...because I really had not found my soulmate in WS...so leaving old R may have been a mistake...what have I done to my life??? gosh this can make you nuts!!!!!!!!!!!

how do you define what is meant to be though...if you follow MB principles then anyone can fall in love with anyone if you follow the path, right?...fill the needs right...somehow there is an element missing in the formula...I don't know what or how.



sl, right again...I am thinking...feeling...with way too much emotion...I think i have changed and then one interaction with WS and I lose my focus...I need some real distance...some real quiet...and you are right...there is NO rush whatsoever. I am not going anywhere. but I wish I was kind of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

With you last GF, did you have this level of commitment, children and family connections. You need to think of your prior R's as just that. You learn from them. Looking back on them is one thing, but applying MB principles to a NON-marriage type situation is not apples to apples.

My last BF, prior to my H, I had been with for 4 years. I was a young adult then, and didn't know much about myself. We were never engaged, never went beyond the BF:GF stage. I did not CHOOSE him for my lifemate. I CHOSE my H. I wanted that level of commitment with him.

So, in recap, being with someone on that GF level is QUITE different than CHOOSING A LIFEMATE. Don't confuse the two.

AS for your WS, CUT HER *YOU* supply off! You are PROLONGING the Plan B effects taking hold. She will never HIT bottom like this. When/If she does, you will have a much clearer head to make these decisions; you still may choose to let her go, and that's okay, but give the PLAN a chance to work.

Good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with what SL is saying. You had a pretty big trigger to get over, and it is likely affecting your thinking. Keep working the plan B--it's not that different from what you would want to do anyway. When WW comes back, you can look and see what she's coming back with and then decide.

sl...your comments are so, so real.....so, so true....I guess sometimes you can think yourself crazy....got to put a stop to that...I am also dwelling on the past mistakes that I may not have learned from...well, I am learning now....got to keep my focus on today, and tomorrow and stop dwelling on the past.

I guess its just all the emotion boiling over....I will wait it out and get back to what I know...chosing a happy place for myself....quiet and calm and recentered.

sdg...thanks for your support...I know it was a big trigger...and each one feels worse....I know thats the point of plan B...to remove myself from this toxicity...sometimes I can't believe it still stirs me up so much....its been a whole week and I am still feeling the effects of it...gosh its exhausting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I thought I was fine after the hearing yesterday, but I realize now that I was more triggered than I thought. It's very exhausting. Being aware of your own reaction is half the battle. You're doing great, FB. Hang in there.