Note the irony in the title, I am divorced too. This is a spin-off to AGG's trying to understand women thread. I didn't want to muck up his thread with my own introspection and pontification.LOL

Is anyone as disheartened reading his thread as I am with all the negative assumptions and generalizations about a specific group of people? I just wonder if anyone (besides me) ever thought that if we knew so much about choosing the "right" one, then why are we divorced now? I know that sounds simplistic and that alot happens between "I do" and the big D. We grow and change. Doo-doo happens. What we or they wanted then is not the same thing now.

I remember making a list of the desired qualities the first time. I thought I did a good job of marrying someone who fit those qualities. In the end, it really meant nothing.

Has anyone (besides me) ever made a list of the qualities that they THOUGHT were important only to fall in love with a completely different type of person? In my case, it turned out that what I thought I wanted was not what I needed. And what I needed wan't necessarily what I wanted. Wasn't it the Scottish poet Robert Burns who reminded us the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry?

I sometimes wonder if as divorced people we don't run the risk of over analysis without corrective action. We are so busy with preconcieved ideas of what we think we want that we forget all about the other half of the battle - being the kind of person that they would want. In an attempt to avoid the red flags and mistakes from the past, don't we set ourselves up for another yet unthought-of type of failure?

Do we look too hard for guarantees that it won't happen again when the reality is, and for as much as we don't want to admit it, that's it's still just a crap shoot?

Yup,that's my vote.As I mentioned in a previous thread,I was wiser and made rather adult decisions long before many of my friends did as a teen since I was left to be responsible for myself much of the time back then.

So,when it came time to pick someone to spend my life with,I thought I did a good job.Of course there were some bumps here and there but at the time we were madly in love with one another and he had a great family too so that was really all that mattered.

Looking back there was no way to tell that my ex would really cheat on me.No way.Everyone in two families were completely devastated and shocked.My IL's used to tell me
"We thought we brought him up right" and stuff like that.And I know that it was nothing I ever did or didn't do which is why I am not a firm believer in the EN's camp because my feeling is a person is going to cheat for their own reasons,not for what anyone else did or didn't do for them.It's bologna.I hate to see people here get caught up in that and really think that well,you didn't live up to MY expectations in (insert issue,say,domestic support) so I went out and cheated to get my "needs" met by someone else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Like you I had qualities I looked for.Some weren't nearly as good as I should have expected but again we were in love very much so you know how that goes,the blind leading the blind? Maybe to a point.

What I do know for sure is: I haven't changed,not in my values,beliefs,desires in marriage and family,the kind of person I strive to be,what I expect from other's and myself and how I want to be treated,etc.My ex is not the person I thought I married,not even close,anymore.So I couldn't be happier to be away from that hurtful person,no matter how nice he tries to be now.

The truth is if someone wants to deceive you they can and will to no fault of your own.You can only express the things that are important to you to the other person and hope they don't mow you down.I am very apprehensive about putting myself out there again one day but I do also know that I will survive whatever comes my way.I have been through so much and I may hurt again but I also may find a man good enough that I will allow to enter my life and get all of me and all that I have to offer him.

As I have said before,my plan is to walk into love,not fall,with my eyes wide open.Hand in hand.

I feel that divorced people are indeed looked at from an outside point of view, as flawed. I am going through a D, my STBXW had an A with another married man, then said oops. Well, i left after learning more was on the table than I could handle. Okay fine, so there I was sitting in church today with my kid. The pastor sat up there talking about marriage, and how you have to work at it, it takes work, and "When the going gets tough, the weak quit", meaning that people who divorce just give up too easily. I walked out in disgust. Ever since I started this road I am on, I have been viewed as a much different person, even from people I meet... "oh, you're divorced" like it means I have some kind of plague or contageous disease, like if they get too close, they will get what I have. I was the one who did all of the cooking, cleaning, took care of the kids, laundry, pets, you name it, I did it. Now, since I am almost divorced, will be seen as perhaps as my pastor said it, I just didn't work hard enough at it, maybe I was lazy, or wasn't committed enough. Easy to throw stones at someone else, huh?

Me and my STBX meshed very well when we were dating, we both seen things in the same light, viewed life the same, had similar goals, same moral viewpoints... well that lasted 12 years, then when some guy caught her eye... BAM she was gone in a flash and there I was standing holding the spatula and dish towel asking what happened.

I think it is just a crap shoot. I no longer listen to advice from those around me who have been married for so long. I think in the grand scheme of things, they are just very lucky. Frankly, I doubt love really exists, I think when we grow attached to someone, we slap an emotion on it and say we are in love.

Something like that.

Kuky, I have felt this way too.I have lost several good friends/couples who for whatever reason,felt that I was no longer important enough to be friends with.Maybe they were scared and didn't know how to talk to me anymore,or felt strange without me being half of a couple or that by associating with me as a single woman I no longer had worth.Who knows.In any view it hurt.I hope it doesn't happen to them too and watch as people who you thought cared for you abandon you.

I used to tell my ex in the midst of the A that I didn't know our wedding vows were "til death do us part or until you find someone more interesting". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Reading here at MB though gives me hope that there are decent guys out there who feel like I do and have similar values.

I know I am picky now in dating, because it affects my children as well as me. And I won't introduce my kids to anyone until at least 6 months.
So, why be picky? Because I haven't even found anyone worthy to date. It's really slim pickings out there. Another girls night out at the local tavern shows just what is out there. When I arrived, I was surprised to see at least 5 men over age 40 - an oddity. And noted a guy from work who introduced me to his girlfriend and her friend. Now, I see him as a dog based on comments he's made to me in the past. And darn if he didn't come off that way again. After having a nice conversation with his girlfriend, she tells me how much she loves him and how much time he's over her house, he comes over and tries to pick me up. And I think he hit on my friend too.
Then, as friend and I are playing darts with 2 guys, they get into a fistfight and fall to the ground. Not attractive.
And yes, all these people are divorced.
Since I won't be meeting anyone at a bar like this, I think I'll keep my picky ways. It's scary out there. And WHY Bother?
So Saturday night girls went out to see Dreamgirls, and had a much better time than on Friday night.

Hey, thanks for the replies. I'll answer soon - in a bit of a time crunch here...