Did you call the OWH yourself? DID YOU HEAR THIS FROM HIS OWN LIPS?

What about OW's parents?

I don't think you feel guilty, Olive. I think you are afraid of your H's reaction. Guilt is a reaction when we have done something WRONG. And you have done something RIGHT here.

Rather, I think you probably feel FEAR about his reaction and the loss of his approval. And he will be furious when he finds out you exposed his affair, but that is ok. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive the affair. So, just brace yourself and when he gets angry, just tell him you will do what it takes to save your marriage and are sorry he is upset. Don't try to reason with him and don't let him bait you into a fight.

Post deleted by lonelyolive

Oh, is he looking for a "nonjudgemental" pastor? hahahaaa

Of course he is.. in a fantasy land of denial that he is doing anything wrong...

Am I living in the twilight zone??...Just waiting for the hammer to fall..

Post deleted by lonelyolive

Take his SIM card and throw it in the trash. He can keep his affair paraphenalia out of the house. Set some boundaries. You'd be surprised to see what happens if you no longer tolerate his crap.

I hear ya! I told him no more of that in the house. I just find it funny that he deletes her number when I KNOW he talks to her. It's like they want to keep secret something that is now out in the open!

Post deleted by lonelyolive

Olive, one of the reasons your H feels so entitled to have an affair is because there were no consequences from his LAST affair and he never resolved the issues that LED TO it. I think your best bet is to finish your exposures, call up the OW's mother and ask for her help. Then start preparing for Plan B.

Are you familiar with MB principles? Do you have Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get that book ASAP and start reading so you can understand what is going on so you will be better prepared to go into Plan B.

Post deleted by lonelyolive

Post deleted by lonelyolive

Olive, I agree that MC will be a waste of time. MC is for recovery and it is useless when one partner is in an affair. Better to flush the money down the toilet and save the gas to get there!

I think the main reason he won't commit to the marriage is that he doesn't HAVE TO. He has been able, thus far, to have you BOTH. Plan B will protect you from the fall out of his affair, but it may also have another important consequence.

See, the OW is probably meeting 1-2 needs and you are meeting 3-4. So he is in heaven with 2 women meeting his needs and could go on forever like this. If you remove yourself the situation, he will recognize that the OW can't possibly meet all of his needs, which will ruin the affair and CAN pull him off the fence.

His affair will go into full swing without you there, which will be the beginning of the end. Almost ALL affairs fail [+95%] because they are based on fraud and deceit, so with you gone, it will likely collapse sooner.

You may even enjoy Plan B, many do. It removes you from the abuse of his triangle and allows you to live in peace again and restore some very damaged self esteem. Plan B is hard the first couple of weeks, but many report feeling great peace after the initial adjustment.

Oh no, you would want to stay in your house with your DD. Ideally, you would want to file a legal seperation in order to protect you financially and to obtain custody rights and to get him out of the house. You would get a visitation schedule worked out. He should be the one to leave since he is the one who is having an affair. You and your DD should not have to leave the house because of his affair.

Once all this worked out, you would THEN go dark in Plan B after you send him a letter explaining that you are ending ALL contact with him until he a) ends his affair and b) recommits to the marriage.

I don't mean to be stupid, but, how do I file a legal separation? do I see an attorney?

Yes.

It is very much like filing for a divorce.

Post deleted by lonelyolive

One more thing...H says he's not going anywhere. When the time comes, how do I get him out of the house?

You can change his locks and drop his stuff on the curb.

YIKES!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Also, cut off his cell phone or change his number. Delete her number. Cut off all access to OW that you can. I know this may be difficult, but get your WH tested for STDs. If he comes up clean, wear him out. If this is just about sex, then you can easily one-up the OW if he is still living with you. He won't have the energy to go to OW.