Starfish, thank you for your thoughtful response. You have such a nice way of stating the obvious. I've been trying to hard to change my typical reaction to things and for the most part doing well, but then something as simple as this morning will knock me down. I'm changing for me, not just for him. I like this new softer, easier going version of me.

Since D-Day I have continued to snoop, investigate, follow-up that DH is telling me the truth. But I need to stop. Although we are doing well, I need to put the focus and energy that I spend on that into my myself, family and marriage. I told myself last night that I was not going to ask any more questions about her, discuss her or the affair anymore. Just focus on rebuilding us. But I agree with you Star, I think OW husband needs to know. I think there may have been some abuse on his the husband's part that is the only thing I know about thier marriage.

How do I expose to OW husband? Do I e-mail him or call him?
I don't think I would feel comfortable calling him. I don't know if I could keep my composure and have that conversation. I'm very worried that if I expose to the husband that she will cry fowl at work/retaliate against DH and then sh*t will hit the fan at work and DH job will be at stake. She is on probation at work and there is a good chance that she won't make it past probation due to performance issue, but that is still a couple months away.

So any suggestions on how to expose to the husband would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Brighter,

It's not unusual for an OP to claim that there was "abuse" in their marriage. That doesn't mean it's true....often it's just a smokescreen to justify the affair. So if the information about the alledged abuse came from your H (so from the OW) then the reliability is questionable. If you heard it independently, it might hold a little more water....but even then...it's borderline without proof.

I think a letter is just fine. Make it short and clear. If he needs to see some proof....are you willing or able to provide that?

Yes....it could cause a big brouhaha all the way around. Why do you think she'll cry foul at work? Do you really think she'll open herself to even more censure and criticism? If she wasn't ashamed of what she was doing....she wouldn't have kept it a secret. It's not impossible that she'll seek revenge and make trouble at work for your husband....so you've got to be prepared for a firestorm, but I think it's just as likely that she will continue to protect this ugly secret. Was your husband directly in a position of authority over her? That would increase his risk, but that's a risk he took....not one you created. Sometimes doing the right thing....requires alot of courage and faith.

(((((((((((((brighter)))))))))))))

I think some accountability....and therefore some snooping....is appropriate at this stage. But not everyday.....as you suggest, you don't want to get bogged down in nothing but the negative and worry. Admiration is a huge need for men....and I sure know how hard it is to be admiring when you've discovered your husband has cheated....but don't forget that recovery has two parts: ending the affair, and rebuilding the marriage. Lots of people survive the affair, but fail to recover. So take an active part in coming up with a recovery plan that addresses the vulnerabilities in your marriage.

OW was a temp secretary in DH department when they first met. Nothing happened while she was there, although DH did get the feeling that she was interested. DH would not hire her as a permanent secretary because he did not think she was competent. She then left his department and went to work for another department, again as a temp. This department reports to my DH, but she not directly report to my DH. It wasn't until she was there that things started heating up between them, that she sent the first e-mail that she was attracted to him. She was hired as permanent in that department in early December and is on a 6-month probation status. DH thought she would not tell anyone about the affair, but we did find out that she told one of the other people in the department. So she didn't seem to be to worried about keeping the affair secret. She was doing the big boss, which was too good to keep to herself.

What amazes me about all this, is that the OW is not someone who I would have ever thought DH would have attacted my DH attention. Yes she is good-looking. But she is uneducated, no career goals, can't spell, and has 5 children by 4 men. But Star, you nailed it and I get it now. She made him feel better about himself, it didn't matter who/what she was.

Yes I could provide proof if pressed. I have lots of it! OW claimed abuse, but she also said she hadn't had sex in 2 years (so DH was just wonderful, i.e. make him feel good) and we know that was a lie.

DH has applied for another job in another state and has made it to the semi-finalist round. But he really feels like she won't make it out of probation so he wants to ride it out. I told him he has to be very careful about how all that goes down as it could come back and bite him as she could file a sexual discrimination suit against him. He said she never directly reported to him and we have the proof that she came after him first. I don’t know???

A huge part of me really does want to tell the husband and then a part of me just wants all of this to die down. I will see if I can construct an e-mail today and post it here? Does the e-mail need to appear/sound like it comes from me or could it come across as an anonymous tip?

The best place it could come from....is from your husband....in the form of an apology. If he won't do it....I hope you'll step up to the plate and give this poor guy the truth. No, this isn't anonymous....it's open and honest. Good luck sweetie....she sounds like a real "prize"....NOT.

BS, I would make it open and honest as starfish suggested, and tell him who you are. Give him the facts but also give him a way to contact you if he has any follow up questions.

Here is the response from OW to my husband's NC letter:

X,

I respect your decision and I too feel that what happen was wrong. It should of never happen, it was just one of those things and nothing more. I want to say to your wife that I am very sorry and I was wrong to allow this to go on. I tried to end it at one point but for what ever reason it didn't happen and I now feel very guilty for it and hate the fact I wasn't a better women. I hope your wife can forgive me. I have never done anything like this before nor will it ever happen again.

As for work, it will remain strictly business and professional. I'm sure you will respect that as well.


She hopes I can forgive her! Won't even waste any time on that.

But I have another thought. I thought maybe I would e-mail OW tell her that I am going to tell her husband about what she did, that I am exposing the affair. That might give me an indication of how she might react? If my FAMILY did not have so much to lose, then I would not be worried about exposing and how she would react...

I wouldn't suggest such a thing. This will give her an opportunity to cause all manner of trouble, such as pre-empting you to her H by spinning the story [you would be starring as the insanely jealous shrew who suspects all women are out to get her H] She can also call your H and blackmail him with this. You are just asking for trouble by forewarning her and pretty much ensuring that her H never gets the truth. Just send the email and get it over with.

Your best best is to write out the email to the OWH right now and just send it off. Ask him to call you to make sure he did get it. Don't complicate this, BF.

Brighter,


Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself....not her. It frees you from her negative energy. It takes energy to continue to hold animosity....energy you could be using for other better things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Many of us don't get remorse from anyone....not the WS, and certainly not the OP. In that regard....I think this a good thing. And in terms of moving towards recovery.....I think it's a positive step for all that she vocalizes her character failure (whether it's true right now or not).


No no no no no......don't give her an opportunity to put her own "version" out there. Personally....while finances/career are certainly important and I can understand your fear of loss....it's more important not to lose integrity. Do the right thing....because it's the compassionate and honest thing to do.

ML and Star, I knew what the answer would be even before I sent it.

Star, thanks for the 2x4 again. I have forgiven my DH but it had not crossed my mind to forgive her. But you are so right, when we let go of the negative energy it does feel so MUCH better. Hence the reason I changed my display name
from Resentment to BrighterFuture. Future is bright and I have so many great gifts in my life.

With my DH line of work, there is a chance that a scandel at work could become VERY public knowledge, newspaper loves these kind of things. But I know what I need to do, you are right he should know. I'm no longer doing it out of revenge, wanting to hurt her but because he deserves to know. I'm working on the e-mail and will get your opinion before I send it.

Thanks again to being here when we need someone the most!

First draft:


G,
You don't know me, but I have some information regarding your wife that you should know.

Starting at the end of November thru January 23rd, your wife and my husband were involved in a sexual affair. Your wife persued my husband and unfortunately he allowed it to happen.

My husband has told me all of the details and we are well on our way to recovery. My intention in telling you is not revenge on K, but compassion towards the other person was/is directly affected by situation. You have the right to know, just as I did.

If you have any questions, I will gladly answer them.

Regards,
M

perfect. SEND that bad boy!

I would leave out that part. That's your H's version or perception of the truth. It might not be THE truth.

You could also say something like "Along with other details of the A, my H told me that your W pursued him and he unfortunately allowed it to happen."

There are things that my FWW told me, when she said that she was being as honest as possible, that turned out not to be true, mostly because she was lying to herself as well as to me. So, let the facts speak for themselves - don't let your H's perception become yours.

I have the e-mail where she first said to him, "there is something that I have been wanting to say to you for a long time...I find you incredibly attractive".

But when she sent that e-mail he had already opened another e-mail account because the she had sent one to him at his main one (the one I had access to) and he told her she could not send that stuff there. MIM, I like the version you wrote better.

I'm been thinking about it more. I think I just might have to call. If I send the e-mail it might raise questions on how I got his e-mail. I should have been a PI...

But the first question I will ask the husband is if he is trying to reconcile with his wife. The synical side of me thinks that all of this could be a grand scheme on thier part to get me off the trail.

Although I have access to wireless and e-mail accounts, I know that there are other ways they could keep in contact.
I truly don't believe that is happening, but I have done enough reading here on MB to know that it could be a possibility.