So PI documented that WW's plans were just as she had indicated to me, shopping all afternoon.

I did find out later that while she told me she spent $150 on shoes, she actually spent $250 on shoes and a sweater. Why not just tell me about this stuff? I hate the lying more than anything!

Shell,

IMO, you have a bigger problem than a PA on your hands.

This is just the latest PA you know about, I think. In fact, since the first PA was a same sex PA, as short as it was, your WW may be an SA. She needs a lot more help than a Plan A.

The general state of your M as evidenced by your posts, especially her EN situation, leads me to believe she is not letting you met them. And that is almost always because someone else has been meeting them all along. Or her ENs are defective. As in addictions.

So don't beat yourself up. It isn't going to turn out to be your fault in the least.

Your WW needs more help than an infidelity intervention. Not that you shouldn’t intervene. You should. But that will just be the start of very long rows to hoe for both of you.

I strongly recommend you call the MB counseling center. You will get specific advice for your situation. I warn you though, you may not like the recommendations at first. A serial cheater is not easily cured. In fact, they are almost never cured. It isn’t about ENs with serial cheaters.


And this just floors me: “…she says she needs spouse making 250K to be full fulfilled here…” Not greedy or materialistic at all, is she.


“I hate the lying more than anything!”

Yeah, me too. In his book Private Lies, Pitman says nearly all BS feel this way.


“So PI documented that WW's plans were just as she had indicated to me, shopping all afternoon.”

Of course. She is beginning to suspect that you suspect. This is more smoke and mirrors.


"I did find out later that while she told me she spent $150 on shoes, she actually spent $250 on shoes and a sweater. Why not just tell me about this stuff?"

It's a basic character issue. She's been doing this kind of thing, living this way, for a very long time.


With prayers,

PS: I know you and your beautiful children could do a lot better than her. You need to lovingly detach and get ready for plan B.

So I was game planning for D-day and was wondering about a few things:
1)When I confront, I want to make sure that she feels safe enough to just admit it, not feel like she has to lie or she will lose everything. I have been meeting the ENs that I am capable of, Avoiding LBs, being involved with the kids but not really trying to be involved with WW. If she comes and joins the the kids and I, I don't run away but trying to allow her some space to avoid the smothering feeling. Any other ideas?

2)She is going to a trade show tomorrow morrning, returning next Thursday late. How long after the return do I need to wait at a minimum? Just to allow her to reacclimate to being home, I don't want to jump on her case as soon as she gets back. This is assuming I have the proof today of course. She may not have been able to arrange a meeting, but did indicate she would probably have a busy afternoon.

3)When I do confront her, I am assuming she will deny it at first. I will not want to tell her exactly what I know because I believe that will compromise my sources. At the same time, she will not be bluffed, I will have to show some cards. What type of info is typically enough to let the WS know you KNOW without showing all your cards? Do I just say, "I know about your affair and I am asking you to stop for the sake of our marriage and family"? If she admits it great but if not, then how do I demonstrate that I know enough not to be lied to about it? Or do I not try to convince the alien that I really know and proceed to exposure to family and friends? What generally gets the truth flowing with the minimum of pain and embarrassment?

1) It is alwasys recommended to be calm and supportive of a WS when they come clean. Most of the time they think you'll never forgive them, but if you are strong and supportive, they will feel more comfortable coming back to the M.

2) I don't know that you have to wait for a specific time, just try and get her to relax, give her a backrub, let her tell you about her day, and then tell her you need to talk.

3) Don't ever give away your sources (because WSs will try and find a way around them), but let her know that you KNOW and give her just enough details so she quits the charade. For instance, tell her I know you were at X motel with OM, but don't tell her how you know. They'll often want to pry it out of you, but don't let her know. Exposure is a must to ensure that the fantasy of the A is killed and so that she is exposed to the consequences of her actions. Tell her that there is no room for 3 people in a M, and you will not tolerate anything other than NC with OM ever again. State your marital boundaries. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, people will respect you for your strength and compassion.

Thanks Jim. At this point all I really have is the cell records and 1/2 of a conversation that leaves no doubt in my mind. I really don't feel like this is enough to confront her. Hearing what she said on Tuesday, I thought I surely would have some sort of tangible proof. I can't say what I DO know at this point and have there be any doubt HOW I know.

At the same time, she is making no efforts to build M that I can perceive and I believe it is due to A. Irrational side of me is saying "Well maybe what you said to her on Wednesday turned her around." Rational side is saying they just didn't get the logistics worked out. So do I wait for them to get deeper into the affair now that I am on guard or do I drive it deeper underground by prematurely confronting?

Dang! lack of sleep, not eating, stress of snooping are taking their toll...I need a nap!

Single parenting this week will probably seem like a vacation.

What is happeinng Gameface?