OMG! You thought I meant.......

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

*thud*

tonight was my monthly book group meeting ... I have recovered from my fainting spell .... thank you for my newest sig line <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When I first came here it was utterly disgusting to me.

I felt like Dr. Harley had created a hugemongsterous program to validate my W’s reasons for an A.

I wondered why Lemonman wouldn’t think rednecks were the best class of person in the world. (Denial? Jealousy?)

Just realizing that there were people out there that cared about every marriage made me feel good.

I figured this would be a good place to meet women. Like a dating site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That is too funny!!! I figured I'd might as well admit it as you are rather shamanic. lol! lol!

"shamanic"????????

Yes, sort of? She seems intuit situations quite precisely for a purple-nailed, tiara-wearing, naked-mango-eater.

See?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm a little slow on the banter being I'm just an old "hick" farm boy.

Um, that hasn't been my impression of you as I've read your posts, but that might be because I was mucking out horse stalls before I could walk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I have been transpalnted to big city for the last 40 years but the farm boy is still in there somewhere.

In the olden days of August, 1999, when I showed up, it was by covered wagon. K and JL were the Princes of MBLand, and the King, Steve Harley, occasionally wrote.

My heart, my soul, and my entire being was broken and almost destroyed by my choices, mostly, but also by the loneliness of feeling that everything bad in my life was my fault. I felt unworthy and unsafe, but I needed to talk. The internet was a scary place, but I reached out... and many reached back and have continued to do so over the years.

MB is not a fix-all, and it's not to take the place of therapy or spiritual guidance. It is something to do "along with" everything else you can and should be doing to heal.

It's changed a lot, yes, but the pain is the same. And for that reason, I am glad it's still here.

Haven't mucked in horse stalls since then though. Thank God Yuck!!!!

I was just wondering why Mel hasn't thrown in the famous Texas "all y'all" anywhere. See, there's more than one "y'all" in Texas - right Mel?


Also, more than one "yonder"!

over yonder
out yonder
there yonder
right 'cheer yonder
way over yonder

......too many yonders to ponder


And no, I'm not a native Texan. My wagon just broke down here and I haven't escaped yet.


SB

Me Too! Got stuck out in the Desert.

At first, I couldn't believe it. There WAS such a thing as an Emotional Affair, and Emotional Infidelity. I KNEW it in my heart, and my STBXH told me I was crazy. He continued his "friendship" with her and his coldness to me.

We were in marriage counseling when I discovered MB. I told our counselor about it. Thought it was so exciting. Thought he would visit the site and educate himself about the principles. I don't think he ever did; he never mentioned it to me.

I posted early on that this place felt like the Catholic Limbo - an in-between place for those expelled from the Heaven of a happy marriage and not yet ready for the ****** of divorce.

I missed out when they ran this question back in January, so I am answering now, better late than never.

I came to the Marriage Builders Website to buy the books, His Needs, Her Needs. I knew my marriage was in trouble and suspected an affair.

Sure enough, my husband's o/w confirmed it over the phone and poured out the story of my husband's lovesick behavior, which of course she was totally innocent, (right, sure)....

Anyway, I was desperate, scared, and in total shock and was looking for anything, anyone, who could show me how to save my marriage.

I bought His Needs, Her Needs, Surviving An Affair, LoveBusters, His Needs, Her Needs" on cd, and many other books.

I joined MB discussion when I bought the books, and attached myself to all the characters on board at the General Questions II message board.

I loved this place from the start......Each new b/s or w/s validated my pain, betrayal, and hope for recovery.

I was desperate, in pain, and wanted instant results. Anything to soothe the pain. I attached myself to MBers like I was drowning and they were my life preservers.

Luckily for me, some lovely characters took pity on me. I was bullied, shamed, hit over my head with many 2x4's.

I am pretty hard headed but between Ark's wisdom, MelodyLane's and Pep's provoking and baiting me for not exposing, and Mr. Wondering's great advice I managed to make it through those horrible months.

Orchid shared her experiences with me, Lemonman amused me with his takes on affairs, and BobPure bared his soul and shared with eloquence the pain and betrayal of Squids affair.

I would not have recovered my marriage if it hadn't of been for the tenacity of these wonderful characters on MB

....and now we will break for a commercial announcement from.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />..... there are no commercials in life.... it is one big show from beginning to end and during that show there are very sad times, hard times, angry times and hurtful times......

During those dark days, I found MB. It was about 4 weeks after d/d. I will never forget. I spent all night reading MB. About 8 hours. In tears most of the time as I read through the concepts. Hurt and angry....didn't know if they were tears of pain or anger.

Through that pain, I read the posts of Cheryl, Peppermint, Lor, LostVA, WAT, Mttrbard (never got that name right either), JL and many others..... I was and am a stubborn one. Had to really really analyze each point so that I understood the plan. I agonized over my choices originally thinking I had to hurt to heal. Didn't realize the WS were really snatched souls taken by the mothership. I could have sworn my H was on drugs by the 'tea lady' (PBR).

The actions and reactions of the WS and their babble was classic. When I finally got past the tears and could pay attention to the help being graciously extended, I learned a lot.

What stood out to me was the time it would take for a BS to get their mind and heart in sync so that they could move forward. That plan A was NOT about being a doormat but about self-improvements. That the BS did NOT have to take the WS babble and learned to use tools at our disposal like reverse babble, learn how to plan A my H vs plan B the WS.

In time, I was able to help others. What some here already know is that like many, I wss in the depths of despair when a loving soul told me about the stages of grieving. 5 stages..... the count varied on who you spoke with but stages nonetheless. It was a turning point. I took control back in my life and realized it was ok t/b sad, then mad. The trick was that I learned to control those feelings so I could use them to the advantage of my family and my survival.

The times when I walked the edge of sanity and bordered close to suicide, I thought of my son, God and MB. How could I disrespect those who cared so much. I knew God cared, I knew my son gave me his love at his tender age of 6 years old, he reminded me that he loved me even if daddy didn't. Then the care, the time, the patience and endurance the MBers provided. Those who spend countless hours with me on MB and even on the phone.....helped me come back to reality and gave me the strength to fight for our life.

In the end, identifying my personal and M boundaries made me a stronger person. The WS had taught us HOW to live w/o H and dad to our family. Yes, if we choose, we could survive.

What made it hard was the WS instinct to know how to reach into our hearts and tear it out over and over again. Still the reminders and 2x4 lessons put me back on track time and time again.

The support I got here filled the gap I had when I lost our MC. In reality it was more an any MC could give.

I look back and wondered how I cared for our son, our home, financial obligations, my work and everything else....during that A w/o going crazy.

My 3 sources of support (i.e God, son & MB) along with that of my friends, co-workers, family and even strangers...... made it possible.

I am forever in debt to Dr Harley and the MB forum. I am in debt to all who helped me.

Ahh....but the original question was What do I think of MB when I 1st came here....so I digressed...sorry.

What I thought was Wow, I am not alone and not crazy. The info made sense. The method took some time to adjust but when it did, it stuck.

We never found the location of the WSU (WS university) nor did we site the mothership (area 54??? - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ).....but I am certain that no matter what country or state in life, the WS all display the similar greedy and selfish traits. Knowing that gives the trained BS the tools on how to use the WS' selfish traits against the WS and the A.

I learned to jerk the jerk (WS)..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I learned to spook the spook (OP) and in turn I learned that I was a BS but didn't have to take any BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am glad I found MB.

Thank-you Dr Harley, Mrs. Harley, Steve, Jennifer, the mods and the MBers.....you helped me more than you will ever know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

The first time I came here was almost three months after D-day.

From the day I found out about the affair I knew that it had to do with the state of our marriage and that we had to improve it in order to save it. I also knew that WH was acting like another person than the man I had known for 12 years and that he was confused and possibly depressed.

What I read on these pages made sense to me. If I wanted our marriage I had to make it an attractive alternative for WH. He had fallen out of love with me and our marriage would survive only if he could fall in love with me again.

What I did not realise before MB was that the only thing I could change was myself and that the process of doing that would help me as an individual too. That is the most important lesson I have learned from MB.

I also did not realise the importance of being calm and still and not contribute to the chaos that the WS is creating. If I had understood that earlier I might not be in plan B and separated from WH now. But on the other hand I see this as a chance to improve everything from bottom to top and what comes out of it will be a better life for me and possible for my husband if he chooses recovery.

And I did not think that the people here were freaks when I first came here, it took me a while to figure that out ;-)

Just kidding, everyone I have communicated with here has been great, thank you so much!

When I first came here it was well after everything was over, hubby was back and our marriage was still healing. I remember thinking, “Wow! Yes! That’s it exactly!” and tearing up the more I read. I saw my own pain expressed in words I could not say.

I read about all the things I could have, should have, done in the heat of the battle and regretted that I didn’t find MB sooner. I know I could have been spared at least six months to a year of unnecessary pain if I had found MB.

And the people. I have laughed, cried, been outraged, saddened, amused and angry reading the stories on MB. The oldies -- cheerleaders, prayer warriors, mother hens, friends, coaches, deliverers of 2x4s and wise ones – are priceless. I believe they have a special place in God’s heart.

Now as a seasoned MBer (not!), I breathe a sign of relief when I see a new BS come here and watch as they “get it.” I chuckle, sit back and grab some popcorn when I read the first post of a WS trying to convince everyone of their entitlement.

Yup, MB is a Godsend. And I hope that the oldies (and the newbies who become seasoned oldies —even after they’ve healed – saved marriage or not) never go away.

I registered for MB on a Saturday of a 3 day weekend....and watched in dismay as my plea for help goose-egged nearly to the bottom of the page before someone took pity on me nearly 12 hours later in the weeee hours of the morning.

Artor and Just Keep Goin' answered with some good suggestions to my asking "Is time the only answer for how to rebuild trust?"

Then someone said "I'm curious as to why you're asking a question you obviously already know the answer to."

I replied with the 3 things my first posters suggested and then asked that person if I had satisfied her curiousity.

And that someone named Pep said "yep" so I kept asking questions.

Most posters said I was doing great. But I still wasn't sure how to rebuild trust.

Chrisner asked for an update after I didn't post for a couple days, which made me feel really good. His wit and humor had impressed me when I was lurking, and receiving a post from him was a big boost.

A week later when I got 2x4d and discovered we needed to expose to OWH, I accidently thread-jacked a newbie's first thread so I removed myself from the boards when my request for "specific steps on how to expose to OWH" received only one answer:

"Just pick up the phone and call him", was what someone named Mel said. First I had to find him and many offered suggestions for on-line searches.

(Athanasius had bumped some 'exposure to OPS' threads for me by WAT and Weaver and Bob Pure but I misunderstood some of the concepts when I tried to help others <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)

I emailed a request for help (on how to expose 6 months after NC) to MB staffers and actually got a response from Dr. Harley and Mrs. Harley, suggesting I call the radio show.

So I did.

And we exposed.

And the rest is in my sig line.

As we approach our first anniversary of Devastation Day #1, I just want to say thanks to all posters who have helped us. I only pray that I can be of help to others as I learn and grow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,

Ace

Edited to Add: Just got a call after I hit 'submit' that MIL slipped away in her sleep. (My caring for her gave H time for his A last spring.) MB has made Mom's inevitable passing so much more bearable because of my H's and my renewed relationship. If I disappear for a few days, that's why. We covet your prayers. Thanks.

I found the MB almost 2 weeks after Dday. I knew it was the RIGHT place and a SAFE place. I had no other alternative... and I'd felt so alone until I found this place.

Through WISE counsel and guidance, I was able to make the best choices.

I loved this place. I felt it was a SAFE place right away and saw that I was not alone.