I understand it varies by the person but I have heard many people say about 6 months and that was true in my case. After 12 months there was indifference. Your WH is not the best predictor.It's like asking a drunk person when they are going to be sober. I would say my WW was climbing the walls for about the first three months. She was not pleasant to be around back then.

In my case after 18 month A.

Unbearable, wanted to die - 6 months
Better and better, especially after finding MB - 6 months
Over it - 1 year

Thank you for your inputs. It's nice to be reminded that this is temporary. He's actually been quite pleasant for the most part. Much self-flagelation and remorse. I just hope he's strong enough not to give in to the temptation to contact her.

Hopefully you will be able to spend some time doing fun things. That is very important. All relationship talk gets very old.

BIO ~

I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how things are going. Wow, I'm so sorry about all of this.

Withdrawal is HARD, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Be glad that you have MB, I didn't find it until 3 looonnnggg months into withdrawal. I just thought he'd lost his freaking mind, could NOT understand how he had the nerve to treat me so poorly after he had an affair!

So, hang in there. Do somethings for yourself. Try not to LB, Plan A as much as you can (it'll be hard sometimes!).

You guys will get through it. Support him, keep yourselves busy, plan fun stuff for the two of you to do. That helpes us alot.

Good luck, BIO!!

~MF

We are concentrating on getting the house ready to sell the house. I had told him that I was done talking relationship (until after we move) about a week before he fessed up. He was already seeing OW again for about a week and being snotty. I was going to give it 30 days (with no LBs on my part); if it (his attitude) didn't improve, I was going to hand him my wedding band and tell him to see me when he got his *&^t together.

He's being very good at the moment. and we're spending much time together.

My instincts are at war. I'm feeling that he's still having contact, but don't know whether to bring it up at this point.

He got a call from work (he's on terminal vacation and he's already outprocessed work for quitting). He got the call while we were riding together to see my priest about marriage counselling. He wouldn't take the call.

He's wanting to go to Tennessee to look around the area we're thinking of moving to. I asked him to take DS10 with him, even though that would mean pulling him out of school for a few days (he's gifted and wouldn't have any problems making up the days). WH says he doesn't want him to miss school. I get queasy thinking about this trip. It would be a perfect opportunity to connect with OW.

WH also has been making numerous trips to Home Depot...not extended, though (and we ARE getting the house ready to sell). It's just not like him to go to the store so often.

We were sitting up in his study looking at computer stuff and I went to tuck the kids in. While I was gone he checked his e-mail and clicked back onto the stuff we were looking at.

Am I crazy? I can't put keyloggers on as he's a computer engineer. Should I confront him? Is this normal behavior for someone in withdrawal? He started on Zoloft a few days ago and seemed to pull out of the severe depression almost immediately.

I'm at a loss.

Yes you are crazy. Understandably so but crazy nevertheless.

Let it go. Whether there is contact or not is immaterial. You are doing ALL the right things. Don't get distracted by your paranoia - and that is what it is BTW. Calm yourself down and get through this. Your WH is taking extreme measures to end this A and remain in the M. Take a few deep breaths.

If it would make you feel better for him to have more accountability, tell him how you feel and suggest to him what would make you feel better. Paranoia is a hungry beast. Don't feed it.

Thank you. I'm trying so hard not to screw this up.

We are all right there with you. You will survive this. I have been following you since the beginning. I even coerced you into changing your screenname if you remember. You are a very strong person. There may be bumps in the road over the next few weeks but you finally have daylight ahead. Be patient.

Thanks Hiroo.

BTW, why your name change? What does it mean?

As we talked long ago, your screen name can say a lot about where you are emotionally. Sometimes a screen name may even hold you back as I thought yours did you. I had no clue you were going to come up with such an aggressive alternative. Oh well. Certainly got my attention. My was [translated] "betrayed". There is a long and rather boring story behind "piojitos" that I'll spare you. In a sense, though, it also was somewhat limiting. I think I'll go back to piojitos at some point in the future but Hiroo is to remind me of something. I recently had an epiphany and I need to keep reminding myself of it. I think Hiroo just might do the trick.

I do remember your prompt to shake off the victimhood. The aggressive name is me...I prefer to face things headon and am not comfortable with subterfuge. That's why I have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut when something bothers me. Unfortunately, WH is a very private person and feels attacked when I ask point blank questions.

what was your epiphany? I've had many over the past year.

Thank you for the advice that I was just being paranoid. I kept myself from saying stupid stuff and things are still progressing. I'm waiting for fallout, but WH is being great and attentive. I'm seeing the man (in him) that I fell in love with...

We were talking today and I asked how he was doing? He said OK, but he was worried about OW. He says that she was giving indications (before NC) that her cancer was returning...ie more and more doctor's appts, etc. I told him that if that were the case, and I were her, I'd want to reconsile the things that I've done and make peace with myself. I later told him that I thought she'd be ok and that she has family to take care of her and she's done alright so far.

I find these revelations difficult to digest. It occured to me that she was like his "work-wife." He told me that she'd bring lunch for them both and they'd go sit at the lake and eat it there. I know he's trying to move on, I'm having a difficult time today. Most of the time I'm fine. I don't know how to respond to him when he talks about her. I don't want him to stop talking to me. I'm glad he's finally comfortable enough to share this with me.

I'm rambling again.

Any advice on how to handle these conversations? I feel hurt, but don't want to make him dwell on it during withdrawal.

Do you thank him for telling you? This is a difficult one but I think you have to listen and not revert to LB's. This will all pay off in time. Recovery is hard but it is your goal. What you want is WH to say "you know what? I have no clue what I saw in that sleazy biatch. I hate her". Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. What will happen is that he will grow those feelings for you again in time if you follow this MB plan. You want your WH to have those feelings - you just want them directed at you. It will happen.

Thanks for the encouragement; it was to the point.

Latest problem...ED (performance issues). This has been an on and off occurance since he got involved with OW. He's now on ADs and I think those are affecting him. I told him this morning that once everything was right in his head (on top of his shoulders), that everything would fall into place.

He said he thought he'd always have the problem. I asked if he thought that a month ago (before contact began again and before ADs) or even a year and a half ago. He said he thought so (fog!). I asked if he felt like he had any power over the situation and he said, "no."

I remember "the victim" mentality that I had going on for several months until Pio prodded me into standing up for ME. Should I do the same for H? or is it too soon into withdrawal? WH has always hated "victim" mentality people.

Frustrated in Florida

bump

When my husband and I went on a trip in 2002 Husband took along some Viagra samples his doc had given him. He had been stressed from work prior to that vacation, and he wanted to try it.

However we drank too much the night we experimented with it, so it didn't work.

In 2004 he spent the night with MOW but couldn't perform (the guilt got him, I guess), or maybe they were drinking too much. Who knows?

So when he got V again, I didn't think anything of it, I was happy we were going to try experimenting again.

What I didn't know was that the impetus was the (secret) affair with MOW.

I won't go into all the hurtful details around this subject. Suffice to say it has the potential for creating a HUGE Trigger.

But I decided not to let it bother me, and we used it frequently after D-Day. After all he's MY HUSBAND and I have every right to enjoy good sex with him.

It can be very helpful, why? Because sex is a way of cementing an emotional bond, the very reason that sex with another woman is so upsetting and dangerous, in my opinion. He used sex to create a false bond with that woman, on the other hand we have a true, genuine, and honorable bond blessed by God.

Post D-Day SF is sometimes referred to as "Hysterical Bonding" around here for good reason.

Quit telling yourself (if you do) that he can't perform because you are not enough. That is not the reason.

It's because his emotional state adversely effects his physiology. If you can use V to clear the obstructions without creating more tension over it, than the problem will 'straighten itself out" (sorry!! for the bad pun).

Much of recovery has to do with a positive attitude even in the face of enormous adversities. That's how marriages become stronger than ever later. You will have faced these challenges with strength and dignity and compassion.

We still indulge on certain date nights, we call it having a "blue love party". No need to be ashamed. IF he associates shame with using something like V, than it may not have the outcome you desire! So what, at our ages, anyone can get overwhelmed in the bedroom. It should be something to enjoy together, not viewed as a negative.