Back up the bus just a minute. I know you hurt. You have lost everything you thought was important. But in reality you have everything. You have your life, your future and a lifetime of happiness ahead regardles of how this turns out.

You cannot have your life back. Your WW took that away for the both of you. Things will never ever be the same again. That is not what any of this is about. What it is about is that you can possibly save your family and have a newer and better marriage than before - but it will never be the same. The A will never go away. If WW does come back to you, recovery is a long and difficult road. So ask yourself why you are really doing this. Do you still love your WW and can she still make you happy? If yes to both, get after it.

I agree it sounds like FIL can be an asset but he is also a loose canon. Use him to help you but with your guidance. Don't give him options. Get him there with as little info as possible. He is NOT your friend - he IS your ally. He is interested in protecting his daughter (good for him) and he will always think he knows better than you how to do that. It sounds like you two may have a common goal. Use that symbiosis to your advantage.

I would also recommend caution... I caught last (not current wife) in an exposed position (skirt up OM between legs)... that can be extreamly emotinally traumatic!!!

it took every ounce of restarint i had..... to keep me from doing something very stupid... and after that i pretty much melted down emotionally.....

current IC beleives That eposoide is causing my current Hyper-vigalent state (PTSD)...

frankly i would avoid trying to "catch them in the act it isn't worth the pain... JMHO...

I'm sorry Jay, ((((hugs man

One thing that must be going thru your mind right now is "I'm not crazy, it's not me." I know I felt that way when I found out about my wife.

Plan for exposure:

I think you will need more than pixs of them going and coming to an apartment. You will need the kissing or hugging pixs also. Also, to confront over the phone - she will just hang up on you. I would if I didn't want to hear it from you. My O here.

Also why pay for pixs and then confront over the phone? I would want to "throw" the pixs across a table and let them speak for themselves.

FIL on board with you is a hard call. Many people here say never to tell anyone that you are about to expose, I would include FIL also. You can call him right after exposure.

I think this punk kid had no idea the woman he is seeing is M. Why would a 22 year old (right 22?) kid want to be involed with a M woman when he is swimmng in a sea of single women? Too much trouble - just a mess.

1. get more info from PI
2. come back here to us with your the new info
3. we help with a plan

Maybe you confront to the school first and then to your ww and OM. That way your wife can't got to the dean of school and tell them that you are off your meds and nuts. We will talk about that after you get more info from PI

Jay, again I'm sorry, but atleast you know what your dealing with now.

M2L,

Since JB and WW work at the same place, it is unlikely that OM believes she is single. I can't really say for sure. What I do know is that it doesn't make a rat's eyelash worth of difference. Let's get that issue off the table.

Got it - good point and moving on

Jay, I'm so sorry my freind...I know how you feel right about now.

There is really not much I can say to make you feel better at this time. Just know that it will get better from here...slowly...with or without you WW.

Now it is important to gain as much evidence and proof so you can expose to you WW's family. Pictures and videos would be best. Expect her to deny even if you get proof. She will say it was just one time or they are just very good frineds, etc...all the standard WW lines.

I exposed to my WW's family also and they have been very good in helping to kill the A. I just need to caution you that most IL's eventually cave and ignore the A since they don't want to loose there son or daughter. Expect that to happen, but your FIL sounds like he maybe a man of integrity and if your WW respects him he WILL have an influence on her as my FIL on my WW.

If you are going to confront OM do if after exposure and alone. Some people say not to confront but it may scare him enough to keep away since he is obviously only in this for the sex. Be VERY careful if this is what you decide to to because he may say some very hurtful things and you don't want it to become violent.

It is also very important to expose to everyone at the same time so she can't prepare for it and tell everyone you are a wacko husband who is trying to hurt her.

Stay strong!

HTW

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JB,

Let the PI do his job. Try to avoid picking at the details. IOW, stop thinking about it so much. I know that is impossible to do. Try anyway.

Exposure strategy (in this order):

1) Get PI to get video of the kissing/holding hands
2) Find out who OM is.
3) Find OM's parents.
4) Gather up all your evidence for use with exposure.
5) Expose to work (boss and coworkers).
6) Expose to FIL.
7) Expose to OM's parents.
8) When your WW goes apesh!t on you tell her you only did these things to keep your family together.
9) Don't get sucked into a fight, and lay low for a few days (as few arguments and LBs as possible, just meet whatever ENs you can, i.e. just listen to her as she tells you how you destroyed her life, but don't respond that she destroyed yours).

The exposure steps should all be done on the same day. This exposure will most likely end the A. However, it will get worse before it gets better. She will kick, scream, claw, and tell you it's over, anything that she can do/say to hurt you. This will eventually blow over. It is going to be several months of ****** before she gets through withdrawal and starts working on the M again.

Jayban, don't worry about your WW did with the OM, we all have been through the same thing and gotten past it, but I want you to stand up and pat yourself on the back for standing up and fighting for your M. It takes a lot of guts and a lot of love to fight for someone who has hurt you so much for so long. You are a better person as a result of this experience, and you'll no doubtedly get through this with your head held high.

(((((Jayban)))))

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Do you feel some relief to know the truth? I know I did. Of course it took me over 6 months to catch WH and have proof. Before that, he just lied his way out of anything that I found.

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You are in my prayers. I promise you that things get better, and you WILL be happy again. I know it doesn't seem like it now. When I came here, folks told me that, and I could never envision being happy again.

This is a time to take good care of yourself. Please rest up for the battle.

Hang out with some friends, co-workers, anything. Just do something for yourself. I'm praying for you. You'll be just fine. I have a saying for everyone that comes here and starts trying to save their M. I usually tell them, "Be prepared, because it always gets worse before it gets better." Once you get all the info you need, and you start exposing, it will feel like a hundred pound weight was lifted off of your shoulder. You'll stop feeling like a doormat and a victim, and you'll start feeling like you are finally taking control back of your situation. These next few weeks will be tough, but you'll get through this.

jay, us men and women here feel your pain. Let this weekend go, get away. Give your cell phone to a friend. You feel tempted to call and say ha caught you, don't do it. You have to be mentally ready for your exposure. You have to be prepared that your WW will spread poison and venom on you about about you.

One thing that would be best is that in your exposure list you cover people that your wife may attempt to contact to get back at you, like your boss or your friends. She might come to work stand next to your cube and scream Jay beats me everynight and smokes crack with our daughter... Don't let anyone be surprised if she does that.

You don't need to know the details either - not at this time. Details are important if you get into recovery and you need them to move on, right now your wife has slept with someone, isn't that enough pain. You leave the work to your PI.... I did my own PI work and I suffer from it today. I know to many things that my WW did/does and it makes it hard to detach.

You need to realize she is an alien with a fish head on her shoulder's, when she speaks its venom and the best way Waywards know how to spew it is with honey and sugar.... they will start out with I cared for you so much and loved you but now you hired a dirty PI to sneak around and photo graph and record me, how could I ever trust you, your ugly and disguesting to me... from their it just gets ugly.

You need to be ready for it and practice your reverse babble, practice your deflection, practice your tone.

Yes our old marriage is over, because of choices we have made, but I am ready and committed to make a better marriage for us and our daughter, once you decide to also.

From that on your the lighthouse.

Now go get some sleep and leave the work to the PI

Jay,

A note about her anger and what she may say to you. Again, be ready for anything. Many here have heard details about how much better the OM was or the one I love (puke) "I did things with him (OM) that you always wanted me to with you and I liked it." Chit like that - pretend she speaks French and I hope you don't.

Prayers and luck to you man.

We're all praying and pulling for you, Jay.

Take good care of yourself.

Eat good food, and try to get some rest.

~ Marsh

Post deleted by Jayban

Might as well expose them at school. I would sit down and talk to your daughter also.

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