Last time I spoke to the OWH, he was sure that his wife wanted a divorce because he knew that once she has made a decision she does not change her mind. Now she has changed her mind at least three times in less than two months so she is certainly not sure about anything.

BTW, last night my man came to our home to pick up some things. I had made a cake (with lots of chocolate) and we had cake together, the conversation came naturally about this and that and we smiled at each other and laughed. When he was leaving he hugged me and looked me in the eyes and I told him "you know that I love you".

He describes his feeling for me as devout (I hope I got the right translation). I keep hoping that if I show him that I love him he will eventually see that we can have the best relationship in the world.

I will work on myself too, I am actually looking forward to making new friends, working in an organisation I previously worked in, maybe look for a new job.

I am worried though that he will not want to see me because he feels that he is fence sitting. He has told me that he wants to see the OW and he does not want me to have any hope for us. But he enjoys my company and I think that he will miss me so probably he wants to see me. If I would tell my friends what I am up to they would tell me to not be a doormat but I feel that I have a plan: to show the best me to my man and if that does not work, break contact and see how much he misses me.

I have also been thinking about two of my (our) friends. They had been a couple for many years and were engaged. She had to move to another city for work reasons and they could only meet in the weekends. One weekend he was all cold and distant and told her that he had started to fall in love with a woman at his work. I have heard this from her and she has told me that he behaved like a stranger to her. They broke up and he was seeing the new woman for six months. The whole thing ended when they went on vacation together and he suddenly woke up and realized that the new woman was a stranger to him and that he missed his fiancé. He broke up with the new woman and asked his fiancé to take him back which she did. The new woman has now started a relationship at work with a man who is married with children…

Another thing, I did not talk to the OWH about exposure. First of all, it did not seem right to tell him what to do. Secondly, if he would expose the affair his wife might get so angry that she moves out and files for divorce immediately. Adultery is not a crime here and I don't even think it is a disadvantage regarding custody of children. She can move to a flat, receive half of their common assets, have shared custody of their children and even financial support from her husband.

As long as he wants to be married to her she can basically do anything she wants with the constant threat of divorce if he does something she doesn’t like. When I think about it that way, he might be the one who will file for divorce in the end. Who wants a spouse who is blackmailing you?

"Secondly, if he would expose the affair his wife might get so angry that she moves out and files for divorce immediately"

A lot of folks don't want to expose for this very reason. But the fact is that a marriage can survive anger (which is usually very temporary), but an ongoing affair is much more dangerous to the relationship.

What I am thinking is that if my man and the OW think they are in love, they have been talking about starting an official relationship and everyone knows they have been seeing each other – what will then stop them?

A lot of people would think it is a pity that one family and one couple has broken up and a handful would not approve of it but most people would think that they are two adults and can make their own decisions. Unfortunately (in this case) Swedes don't put moral above happiness and the OW and my man would probably tell everyone that they have not been happy in their relationships but now they have found each other. Of course I don't think it would last long but it could be long enough for the OW to move out, file for divorce and make her husband put the house out for sale and after a separation it is even more difficult for a couple to get together again.

I will see if the OWH calls me again. I have called him three times by now and every time he has been busy taking care of their children. If he calls I will try to talk to him about exposure at least to his wife’s family. I have been digging for some information and I have found her parents, they seem to have been married for almost 40 years so I suppose they are good role models.

EvaSara,

I have been reading along. You have been getting excellent advice in my opinion. I thought I would offer a couple of pieces of information.

1. A bit of humor. If you read Lori's post again, you will notice her refer to her husband, Robert, and the girl he was having the affair with as, PT. What you may not realize is what PT stands for. It was a name given her on this site because Lori explained that this woman's idea of cooking breakfast was to put Pop Tarts in the toaster. It was about the only thing she could "cook" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . Hence she was from that point on referred to as Pop Tart, or PT for short.

I don't know if they have Pop Tarts in Sweden, I hope not, and I don't recall seeing any when I have been there. But, they are like a bread with jelly in the middle. Fairly thin so that they fit in a toaster and are toasted. They then pop up and your breakfast is ready. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

2. Second thing to mention is about plan B. It is developed for you, not your BF. By that I mean, the purpose of plan B is to preserve your love for your man as long as possible. It is a known fact that most affairs end. The question is will they end before the love of the betrayed person runs out. Plan A will drain your love bank rather quickly, hence the short time and many evaluation points along the way. Plan B is put in place to remove contact so that the wayward spouse cannot love bust and drain your account so fast.

A side affect that sometimes occurs but not always is that the betraying spouse notices the loss in their life when the betrayed spouse withdraws. That does not happen as often as one would think. However, it forces the Other Person to now meet ALL of the Wayward spouses needs, and that can be more difficult. For example your OW has a family and kids, she will not and does not have time to by with your man all of the time and meet his needs. He will notice this.

Exposure also helps because it shines a light on the affair and most people don't really respect people who have affairs and hurt families. That is why you have been advised to expose his affair at work, or anywhere were leverage can be applied. The most common fear is that it will make the wayward spouses mad, and you don't have to fear that. It will definitely make them mad, but it is better than withdrawal and it forces them to deal with stress which hurts relationships as well.

So consider plan B and realize it is for you. It may affect your man or it may not, that is not really an issue. It is buying you time to allow the affair to end. Most do.

Does this makes sense? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Pop Tart's culinary skills did NOT help the relationship with Robert.;) Lori was one very shrewd and wonderful person.

Just Learning: No, we don't have any pop tarts here but I understand that someone who can only cook pop tarts in a toaster is not the number one chef.

I get your point when you tell me to try a bit of humour. I have actually given the OW a name (in Swedish) when I have spoken to my friends, mostly since I did not want to think of her as a person but rather a phenomenon in my man’s life. She sent him a love letter or rather a small piece of paper and when he told me about her he said that she had sent him a note. I have referred to her as "the note person" since it was such a weird thing to do. So we can call her NP from now on :-)

I will consider that plan B is for me. However, I strongly believe that my man will realize rather quickly that he will not get the attention he wants from her. She is working full time or even more and if (emphasis on if) she would leave her husband she would have two small children to take care of. After a divorce in Sweden, the parents usually get shared custody on a 50/50 basis. When she does not take care of the children she will probably have to spend a lot of time at work to catch up. I also think she is not such a wonderful person as she might appear to my man right now and that is also something he will realize.

The reason I am reluctant to exposure is that I fear that it would make NP leave her husband and that would eliminate the main thing which keeps my man from going out with her officially. I don't know how much you know about Swedish culture but if she leaves her husband most people would think that they are two adults and can make their own decisions. If she does not leave her husband I think that people would not approve of their affair but again, would she stay? At the moment she is planning to move out.

I don't know if I am a wonderful person but I am sure I can be shrewd. I love my man and want us to grow together and build our relationship again.

I changed my display name since I have realized that I will probably write stuff here which should not be possible to trace to individuals in any way. It would not bother me so much but I know that NP's husband wants to keep this private (I have to respect that).

I absolutely love your analogy:



Reminds me of the difference between force and power. It also reminds me of the importance of being bright and shining. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just had a mail conversation with one of my friends who knows everything that has happened. I told her how NP has changed her mind back and forward and she replied (I'm translating):
"Will, how surprising that the individual did not want a divorce during Christmas! She probably does not want a divorce during Easter, Whitsun, Midsummer, vacation etc etc either, because it’s nice to have a family then, but grey weekdays with work and caring for children is something she doesn't want. Nuthead!"

I replied:
"You're right, but does she really think she will not have to take care of the children is she has a divorce and shared custody? Poor man, his wife is raving mad and threatens to divorce him now and then and he has to take care of their snotty children 24/7 (no bad intentions from me, he told me the children have a cold)"

Anyway, what kind of feelings are we dealing with here? If it only took two weeks away from work to change her mind I would say they are not reliable at all. Anyone with experience?

That is why it is important to not enable the affair. It will become too much of a bother, and not much fun when reality sets in.

It is also important that you let them love bust each other, and do not let any love busting come from your end. She probably relishes drama.

Bright, shining and loving detachment from you.

Thank you, weaver. I try to think about it now and then. I suppose you can force people to do things but the end result will never be good.

I also suspect that she enjoys the drama in this. I was actually thinking that one thing which might turn things around would be if her husband would contact my man and tell him sternly to stay away from his wife and let her know what he has done.

Someone said that some women like to have a cosy teddy bear at home but it takes a dangerous guy to turn them on. I understand that it could also be a love buster for their marriage and I don't think it will happen; he seems to be a genuine teddy bear.

At the moment it seems to be a lot going on in their marriage and I hope they will be happy together again, partly since it may influence me and partly since I really have hope for them. There were a few things I wanted to tell her husband but it did not seem right to tell him what to do. I wanted to tell him to not leave their home, let her leave if she chooses to but not enable her leaving in any way, and to expose to her family. As a part of the exposure I think he should tell them the OM's (i.e. my man's) story.

As I told you it is not uncommon to divorce and move in with someone else in Sweden but my man has done really stupid things the last months and I doubt that her parents would want to have an extra-father for their grand children who may just turn his back and leave. Why do I want him back? Well, almost all the time we have spent together he has been wonderful. But for all they would know he is not reliable.

Does that sound reasonable? In that case I will tell him that if he contacts me.

Yes, it would help if he could do these things.

Why not send him here? Or get him to read "Surviving an Affair"?

He could be your biggest ally, as well as in grave need of support and good affair busting ideas at this time.

I told him about this site and I hope that he will come here. He seems to be quite busy but I recommended him to spend some time to see what this is.

I will not call him again though, I don't want to intrude and he has my number if he wants to get in touch.

I read this in another thread:
"The more she has contact w/ OM the more she'll pull away from you. The less contact, the more she will draw closer to you. That is why NC is essential."

Since my man has moved out from our home I don't see him on a regular basis but he spends all day at work where NP is. What on earth can I do???

I can of course ask him to come for dinner or go out with him but I also have a feeling that this is some kind of crisis for him, that he needs to be independent for a while, and that he should come to me and not the other way around. We have been together since we were quite young and I think that it can be a good idea to see what it is like living alone to appreciate living together. If it was not for NP I would accept his choice but I obviously don't like this situation.