Been away from being able to post, but became inspired when I found the following story. It immediately came to mind as a way to view my Plan A. I rec'vd via email, so I am sorry I can not give proper credit to the author:


Sand and Stone


TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND:

" TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. "

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE W ROTE ON A STONE:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE ".

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"

THE FRIEND REPLIED
"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT."

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

So, I am thinking this is a good way to look at and deal with the WS's actions - especially all of the rejection, withdrawl, coldness. Write those in SAND. Then, look backwards to look to erase the past hurt.

Look to set in stone the GOOD that we had in our relationship.

To set in stone the GOOD I know is in my WS

This is about taking the GOOD forward & making it even better!

I spent time in my personal journal over the weekend and realized I was going down an angry/Taker path. So focused on what I want vs remembering that this is about meeting WS needs, showing the changes I am making, working on learning & making a better way, being the safe place, being the light house.

Reading LilSis thread from the last few days certainly helped!

WS is still talking about getting an apartment. I have not done anything towards arranging for the "financial" discussion he requested. He asked what I thought he owed on a joint credit card of ours. I said I didn't know. We'd have to go thru the old statements.

I didn't OFFER to get the old statements or tell him how or where to get them. I just left it at the statement of it would need to be done. BIG CHANGE for me on that!

I tried to use every opportunity to casually drop an I Love You in , , also called to check on him after he dropped kids off,,, he seemed out of sorts. Of course, he said he was fine. I told him I knew he was lying and if he didn't want to talk about it, he could say so. I was just concerned.

He told me DD6 told him she is tired of going back & forth between us. He told her that it was better this way because Mommy & Daddy were having problems and it wasn't good because we were fighting too much.

DD6 told him, "well Daddy, parents just do that. It's ok"

WS told her that it's not ok, but that we were working on it.

I asked, "Well, are we working on it?"

WS "I don't know",,,,

long pause as I kept quiet

Then another "I don't know"

After which he choked up & hurried off the call.

Couple of things - - I never saw us as fighting all of the time. In fact, that was part of the problem, we didn't even communicate well enough TO fight.

HOWEVER, I have tried to look at this as information to use - Does WS think we fought all of the time? If so, what is the how/why behind that?

Next, guess I was happy & sad about his "I don't know" response. Sad, because I really wanted to hear "YES, I want us to work on it". Happy, because it wasn't a flat out "NO, I was just saying that for DS6"

For being 6, she is certainly VERY wise. She uses every opportunity to try to put us together. She sees so very well what is happening. I worry about her and DSS12 a lot these days. The effect all of this is having on them. I try to reassure them of the love we BOTH have for them, no matter what. But, they see - they know.

I just don't understand the back & forth of the WS!

One minute they seem like the person you used to know, nice, caring, affectionate, the next they are the total ALIEN!

Sunday when he had kids, he mentioned he was taking them to a boat show,,,,I told him I was going too, meeting sister & other family there. DD6 wanted us to go together, but he was quick to say no to that! Can't be seen in public with me!!!

Ran into them at the show, he was very distant and gave me one of those half/one arm hugs, making sure not to put his face anywhere near mine. My sister asked, "what's up with those condescending hugs?" Glad to know they LOOK as bad as they FEEL!

He was the same again on Monday - came by to pick up DSS and gave even worse hug. I kind of threw my arms up as we parted & he wanted to know what was wrong. I wasn't going to discuss it in front of the kids. Glad, in a way that they were there, as they kept me from a big LB!!

Today, though, I thought I saw the H. Our weather was ok first thing, but then turned bad. He called me at my office to tell me that I needed to get home, it was getting bad out. He called again about 30 minutes later to see if I was home yet. I had just left the office.

He called AGAIN about an hour later to see if I was home - I had just pulled in. We chatted for a while about general stuff and it was really nice.

Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into the fact that he would care at all if I made it home ok in bad weather?

It's just so HARD! I had told myself this morning that the hurt and resentment he feels from issues in our marriage didn't happen over night, and that they can't be fixed over night either. I KNOW it's going to take time for him to really see and believe in the changes before he'll even think about coming back.

It's just the back & forth that is so darn frustrating!

I am trying hard to meet needs and just when it looks like it's working, , , , I hit a brick wall!

If you read my previous posts, SF is a huge thing for him and something we seriously lacked. It is a need I have been meeting in the last month. I know it's a touchy subject around here, but it is a decision I thought long and hard about and am (usually) glad that I did. If we are going to have a chance at all, this is a major requirement for him. It's one of the needs I knew I could meet right away if he let me, which he has. He intitiated originally, I have continued to reciprocate.

It's times like now that I wonder if it is the RIGHT decision. He was here and had great SF Sunday night,,,, then Monday is total withdrawl. It's like I'm good enough to have SF with, but not good enough to hug?

I know I may get some big hits (if anyone responds here), but at this point, I have to put myself out there. Both in terms of getting help HERE and in terms of being open, honest, and true with my WS.

Bring it on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WHAT the HECK does this mean?????

UGGHHH I am SO MAD & SO HURT RIGHT NOW I COULD JUST SCREAM!!!

WS just called to thank me for the Valentine gift I had delivered to his office (a men's spa package). Said he was really surprised, and it was totally unexpected! He was very upbeat & appreciative!

We were having a GREAT conversation about our day, what's been happening, etc. I told him about an email I thought of forwarding to him, but wasn't sure due to the politically incorrect subject matter. He asked that I send it as his boss would love it!

Then, he say, "Oh yea, I got an email Valentine today. Now you need to take this light hearted and fun. It said,

"Violets are Blue,
Roses are Red,
If you don't take me back,
I'll put a bullet in your head".

Then he REFUSED to say who it was from - - secret code I guess for from the OW!

WTF?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Why would he tell me that?!? Somebody PLEASE PlEASE give me SOME kind of explaination? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If it was to hurt me, it sure as HE77 worked!! I am sitting here crying,,,,, which I haven't done in WEEKS!

((((Bugsmom)))

I have no idea, so everything is just a guess.

Maybe...he was testing the waters to see how you would react? Seeing if he could reveal something to you and get a sympathetic reaction? Seeing if he could TRUST you?

How did you react?

I wish I could help. It is wonderful that you had a good intraction about your Valentine's gift. And you are having SF, so you are meeting that need...are there other needs you could be meeting?? I guess just suggesting maybe that you use the anger as a motivator?

Oh, bugsmom. I am out of my league. Just keep remembering...a marathon, not a race. I am in month two of Plan A. Maybe I've just gotten used to it...but not really...that doesn't make sense I know.

I'm USED to not seeing anything. I'm USED to putting myself out there and getting nothing in return. I'm USED to being rejected and dumped on. Being USED to it doesn't means it hurts less, but it numbs it a little? It's expected, maybe like a diabetic gets used to getting shots. I just keep focusing on all the stuff I've learned here:

--it's an addiction!
--affairs ALWAYS end.
--Waywards all have the same creepy script
--I am not alone.
--Plan A is hard. From what I hear, Plan B is hard and recovery is hard.
--For me, I have to know I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to save my M.
--Expect the ugliness. Do not let it surprise you (doesn't mean it doesn't hurt)
--Come here to vent.
--Keep being your best self. Keep showing him (not TELLING him) your changes in terms of meeting his ENs.
--Keep working on your own changes. I don't know HOW people do this quickly....I took SOOO long to be in a place to really change.
--Try to remember that the good guy, your H, is in there somewhere, and you need to deal with this creep WH in order to make contact with the H.

I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I just took a bubble bath myself.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LS

just wanting to say
our TAKER is our friend
not always angry
but always looking out for our best interest ... and when our TAKER feels we are not being taken care of, she'll do whatever it takes to correct that ... including getting angry (but other ways too)

so you cannot just push Miss TAKER into a closet and lock the door ... you need to pamper her so she will remain pacified enough for you to plan A without lovebusting

this thread HERE has a discussion about how GIVER/TAKER can both ruin a marriage ... it's several pages into the long thread ... but, you'll see

keep your TAKER happy by treating yourself very well

You are doing a GOOD JOB!


Pep

Wow.....that's a great thread!! I am so glad you linked it so I could read it again.

{{{{{{{{Bugsmom}}}}}}}}}}

Actually , Bugs, it might be a good thing that he read it to you. He obviously wanted to share and he trusted you enough to do it. Don't read too much into *why* he thought it might be a good thing to do, as that's pretty much a cheeseless tunnel with a wayward person. *Nothing* makes much sense in the real world.

Hang in there!

Thanks everyone! Just having the ability to VENT helps a lot!

I've given up trying to figure out the WHY on the email sitch. It is what it is. At first, I DID think it was a test of sorts,,,, to see how I would react. I was a little quiet,,, he KNEW that it bothered me, but I kept it light, didn't blow up,,, didn't withdraw. He was the one that ended the conversation.


He was pulling into the office to see the IC. She canceled AGAIN on him,,,, this is the 2nd time he's gotten there for his appt and she didn't show. He called me back to vent his frustration about her canceling - - as he said, they have gone way past marriage counseling in his sessions & he has shared with her things about his past/childhood he has never told another living soul. He's in the middle of dealing with some very old, very big issues and feels like she has left him hanging. I tried to be supportive to encourage him to stick with it, as I know it is key to any possible recovery for us.


He came by last night to pick up kids for his week night. I had cards for him from both kids, and they spent the time before he got there makiing special Valentines for him, too. DSS did one on his computer for "Big Daddy", which made him laugh.

I had a card for him - very simple - To My Husband - The man I want beside me every night,,, Forever.

I also took a small pocket size book he had given me when we first started dating it's love poems, focused on thoughts of deep love, and being apart from the one you love. VERY ROMANTIC! I wrote in the inside of it "You gave this to me 6 years ago. I am giving it to you as it expresses how I feel. I hope someday you will want to give it back to me".

I wrapped and put together with the card and gave it to him. He asked if he should open it then & there. I said no, wait until you get home.

I was very casual, light hearted with the kids, smiling. I finished putting the kids things together and they were getting ready to go out the door, when he sits down on the couch and wants to chat. So,,,, we did.

He wanted to talk about his former company wanting him to come back. He keeps telling them that they just haven't made the right offer yet. He doesn't think they ever will. I reminded him that just a month ago, he didn't think they would EVER make him ANY offer,,,,,but here they are trying very hard to get him back. Again, as I have many times, I told him not to discount himself or his value!

This is a NEED for him - Admiration - I have been working very hard on this one, too!

They got up to leave & I got the old one arm hug and this time I gave it right back to him. I wasn't mean or cold, but he DEFINATELY noticed the difference. He thanked me for the presents,,,,one more one arm hug and they left.

I have to admit I was VERY hurt by the fact that he didn't even help the kids to buy me a card or a piece of candy for Valentine's Day. He's always been so good about those things. I didn't expect anything from him, but I REALLY thought he'd make sure I had something from the kids.

So,,,,,,In the effort to "take care of" my TAKER, I had already brought home a nice dinner for myself from Ruby Tuesday AND chilled a nice bottle of white wine. I sat down and had some dinner, by candlelight. I then went and took a very nice 45 minute bubble bath and went to bed early. It was very relaxing and helped to soothe the raw emotions.

DD6 called this morning on the way to school. Spoke for a minute to WS - he thanked me for the gift but made no further comment about it. I SHOULD have used the opening to reiterate my feelings about it, but am still feeling a little wounded from yesterday, so I just said You're Welcome. DARN!!

SIS - - I gotta tell you I continue to gain strength and patience by reading your sitch. You help to inspire me to stick to Plan A as long as I can! You are doing such a GREAT job!! Lots of HUGS & PRAYERS your way!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PEP - Thanks for the link to the Giver/Taker thread!

To be honest, right now my head is spinning with all of the information and AH HA moments I had in reading it.

What is foremost in my mind right now is HOW to balance the Giver/Taker in Plan A? How to keep the Taker satisfied enough to prevent LBs in dealing with WS?

I have a lot to mull over, that's for sure.

Thanks again for the link & the great insights!!

Total exhaustion kicked in yesterday.

I feel totally drained by the hurt and rejection of the Valentine's day situation. To have absolutely NOTHING from my WS was just devastating!

So, I've started to feel walked on by him. Hard to own up to, but it's honestly the feeling I have. So, what to do about it? That is driving me CRAZY!

Last night he came by to pick up DSS. I was very casual and remained sitting on the couch pretty much the entire time. Got up to walk to the door as they left. WS gave one arm/half hug,,,,, I gave same back. He acted rather mad as he left, but at that moment, I didn't care!

Later, I sent a text message - just that I missed him. Of course, I recv'd no response. Although I'd hoped for one, didn't really expect one.

This am, WS showed up with DSS. He was there to get his Mardi Gras beads. He'll be at a local Mardi Gras celebration all weekend,,,, is managing work his company is doing there. Yea,,, managing a party is more like it.

Anyway, he says, "I'll bring them up here so you can go thru them and let me know what I can or can not take"

Bugs "Take them all"

WS "Well, some of them belong to you"

Bugs "Take them all, I'm sure I can get them back sometime"

WS laughs = I guess the thought I meant I'd "earn" them back the way the girls earn them at Mardi Gras. (ws has great admiration for my breasts - even told me the other night they are the most beautiful of any woman he's ever touched)

So, he comes in to say goodbye and actually gives a for REAL long hug and even a half a**ed kiss. Asks if I'm ok and tells me to have a great weekend.

After he leaves, I go in my kitchen and find he brought me coffee! Darn him! Why'd he go and do something nice??!!

I called to say thanks very much & what a nice surprise.

DD6 calls him, as we do every morning, on her way to school. He wanted to talk to me after, which was a surprise. Seems he'd been on the phone with former work who is asking him what it is going to take to get him to come back to work for them.

He'd run into another person from his former work earlier in the week who had been telling him he needed to go back to them. He told them that they hadn't made the right offer yet.

I told him he needed to do what his heart/mind told him was right. HOWEVER, I pointed out that not a month ago he didn't think they'd EVER ask him to come back, but they had been asking. AND just this week, he sat there and told me that they would NEVER make the right offer and now here they are asking him what is it going to take? He needs to give credit to himself! I have been having this conversation with him over and over and over for weeks. Building up on the ADMIRATION need.

Bugs "You have to admit that is sure is nice to know that so many people want you!"

WS "Well, it is nice, but it isn't"

Bugs "Really? How so"

WS - "Isn't it funny how we always seem to want what we don't have?"

Bugs "Yes, it is. But you know, what's that saying?? You don't realize what you have until it's gone? Sometimes we don't see the forest for the trees,,,,, until we step outside of the forest and realize what we want - What we know is MOST important to us"

WS "yea, maybe"

The conversation ended, but I think it was pretty obvious we weren't just talking about work.

I'm just so torn right now with how long to Plan A. One minute I feel walked on, the next I want to do all I can to continue to try to lead him home.

Could he be one of those that won't act until forced to? If so, am I prepared for every possible outcome?

I just don't know.

Anybody out there? Any words of wisdom? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't have a lot of time, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The interaction about the beads was fantastic! Be careful not to bring up any Relationship talk...as that's not where his head is at right now.

I think you need to dig deep and remain in a strong Plan A, but you are the one who knows how much of it you can take!

I'm going to bump a great old thread by arc about Plan A for you. Maybe reading through it will give you renewed strength! (even if you've read it, read it again...it's called something like "plan A musings")

{{{{{{{{Bugsmom}}}}}}}}

Hey, Bugs!! Probably not getting much action over here today because everyone is over on my thread...youch. Don't get too close or you might get hit by a stray 2x4.

With ya here. Nothing for V-day (who was it that called it VD on my thread? Hilarious!) from WH or the kids...nothing for my b-day either, from either WH or the kids. Didn't expect it from HIM...but on behalf of the kids...??? Ahhh...fog.

My cure-all as well!! Serenity now!

You ARE doing great! Really, really!! You understand what it's about...you know what you need to do and you are doing it. And look!! A REAL hug?!? A kiss?!? (even though it was half-a$$ed) Coffee?!? That's amazing! Little by little, making dents. Not as quickly as you would like, unfortunately.

I have confidence in you. You are smart, articulate, and quick on your feet. Keep going.

And have a great weekend. I am kid-free this weekend! Yee-haw! Any good ideas for something to do?? I am getting my highlights touched up and a trim on tomorrow monrning, followed by dinner with my best friend...

What about you? Big plans? Going to the Mardi Gras thing that WH is working, maybe???

Hey!

First RS - - Thanks so much for the bump on Arc's thread! It was EXACTLY the kind of reminder, strength builder I needed today. It's really helped! I even printed it out to keep here at my desk!

Sis - - - Thanks for checking in. Yes, your thread has been busy today but LOTS of good stuff! I'm actually thankful to get some glancing blows from some of those 2 x 4's! You take the direct hit (unfortunately), but the glancing blows help keep me on track, too!

We BOTH deserve a great weekend, don't we?!! YES WE DO!

I think you have a PERFECT day planned. Nothing like getting some girly treatment,,,, highlights and a trim always made a girl feel just a little more special! Perfect timing with going to dinner with your friend.

Really dress in something that makes you feel good. Then, while you are out at dinner,,,,, LOOK AROUND! Check out what the guys look like.

You are probably a lot like me,,,, it's been SO long since we cared about what any man but our husband's thought that we never look to see who MAY be looking at US!! I know you are no more interested in that than I am,,,, but do it to give youself a boost! I'll bet you'll be surprise who is looking back at you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It is important to remember if these guys don't pull their heads out of their rears,,,, LOTS of men out there would appreciate having such BEAUTIFUL women like us in their lives!!! Just something to help keep up your self-esteem,,, I know mine needs regular boosting right now.


No, unfortunately, I won't be attending the Mardi Gras thing. I have the kids for the weekend and with potential bad weather don't want to really be on the roads. I made a poor decision to drive a couple of weeks ago and am having to pay for that now. No more mistakes like that for me!! Especially after having a few Hurricanes (they always make me loopy). Besides, am fairly sure OW will be in the "group" he'll be with, so really don't wanna see that.

Think kids and I will rent some movies, play some games, clean some house, do some laundry, bake some brownies.

WS asked to have them for a while Sunday, so guess I'll see him then. By then, should have my "strength" back for continuing a stellar Plan A

You, too, are doing a great job!!!! Keep those posts coming and have a great weekend!

Thanks. Now I pi$$ed everyone off back on my thread, too. So I'll check in and say hi to you and then go take a bubble bath and read a book. YES! Way to kick off a GREAT WEEKEND, right?

I really am looking forward to tomorrow. You know (I'm assuming) how great it feels to get highlights done...especially in the middle of winter when everything feels so blah...a little sunshine on my head! I'm growing my hair out so it will be fun to see how my stylist deals with it in this in-between stage. Under her skillful scissors, it won't look in-between.

I promise...no matter how cold it is...no turtleneck sweater tomorrow night! (How sad...that's my staple weekend wear in the winter; I am ALWAYS cold) I'll freeze, but I will look smokin! Great idea: I will keep my eyes open for guys checking me out. It does happen on occassion, and it feels good, doesn't it?? This time, I don't care if he's 80...an ego boost is an ego boost, and I could use one or two.

I couldn't agree more. Our WH's are nuts. Look at us: we're smart, we're pretty, we're successful, we're great moms to their children, and we're married to them. Clearly, there is some weirdness going on in their brains. They'll come around. In the meantime....

Is a Hurricane a drink??

Pick out some good, fun, FUNNY movies that you like, too, to watch with the kids. I love to pop popcorn, turn out all the lights, turn the sound up loud so it's like we are at the theater. And brownies! Yum. Can't get those at the movies.

UGH on the whole Mardi Gras thing. Sorry I asked. Blech. Maybe she'll get drunk and end up in bed with some other guy and your WH will finally see her for the skanky ho that she is. How's that for positive spin?

Take care, B. Have a great weekend. Thanks for the boost. (((B)))

LS

Bugs:

Don't know if I can help.

But I wanted to comment on the Valentines Day Email that your WH quoted to you.

Did it come from OW?

No.

Why?

Because I would have never shared something from OW with my wife, no matter what. Especially something like that.

Now. If he knows a lot of people, and has alot on his email list, it could have just come from someone who likes to send jokes.

However, His telling you this after you sent him the spa kit was "stupid"

That was a really great time he was having with you.

And it bubbled over, a little too much and with the wrong subject.

Your conversation with him today went well however.

Keep it up. Will check in occasionally. Try to help if I can.

LG

BTW... I guess I'm one of those throwing 2x4's around LS's thread.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sis,

Hope you are enjoying your weekend! Don't get to caught up in your thread from yesterday. EVERYONE agrees you are doing great! We ALL have "those days", but even though, you still kept it together very well!

Having VD and your birthday all in one week would have sent me over the EDGE completely. You should be proud of how you hung in there!

Yes, Hurricane is a drink! Kind of like fruit punch with a PUNCH! Talked to WS last night around 6. Seems that due to his "work schedule" he got a room close by. Kept me up all night thinking about THAT!

I know, not worth the effort or wasted rest, but couldn't seem to help myself!! He called again 9 a.m. Said he went to his room after dinner and was back up at 1 a.m. and working. I sent a text at 3 a.m. as he had told me he would be starting work at 2:30 a.m. Just said "Good morning". Nothing special to report in our conversation.

LG - - Thanks so MUCH for checking in! I've gained a lot from your posts on Lil Sis's thread & welcome any comments/insights you have for me.

I truly admire your coming forward with the WS perspective. It is invaluable! Not to mention, caring and brave.

I appreciate your comments on the valentine email. It really felt like some kind of "test" to see how I would react. I just felt proud that I didn't get angry or have any kind of outburst! Who/where it came from, who knows??
STUPID? DEFINATELY!! Always good to hear that from someone else!

Question - It feels like he is 'testing' my statement to him that I will use from today to the last proving to him my commitment to our marriage & to let him see & believe the changes I have made.

In his "fog" do you think he understands that he seems to be 'testing' me? OR is it just the scrambled alien brain that makes him unknowingly do cruel things?

I dont' remember if I posted about the talking Tiger I'd bought our DD6 from Hallmark. It is SO adorable! WS told me the next day that he'd bought the same one for a girl in his office that is transfering to another part of the company. "She's such a sweet girl, I'm really going to miss her". While I sat there feeling like a piece of CR*P because I didn't even rate getting a card from the kids.

I know I shouldn't expect him to see how much that kind of thing or the email hurts me,,,,,but it's so hard not to feel that it's said intentionally. I HEAR that even though H would have realized that, WS will NOT. It is difficult to get that thru to my brain & heart!

Am going to finish my usual Saturday FUN day with cleaning the house so we can have movie night tonight! Definately FUNNY movies only! Made the mistake of watching Legends of the Fall from 2 am to 4 am, cried my eyes out! Done with that for a while!!

{{{HUGS}}} and Thanks!

After getting caught up on LiSis' thread, my attitude from when I logged on to now has certainly changed! Such great advice abounds here and strentghens us all.


So, WS calls on his way home from last night at Mardi Gras. He stayed there again last night. Spent most of the night partying with is work crew. Seems he has taken on the role of "caretaker" of all of the girls in the group.

First, had to take care of one's problems with her boyfriend who had taken some drugs. Then spent a great deal of the evening "resucing" another from her own sl*ty behavior on the dance floor at different places with different guys. To the point of almost getting in at least one fight. This particular girl is married with 2 kids, and her husband is "band" from attending any "work" gatherings because of his behavior.

Poor guy, if my wife were the sl*t she apparently is, I'd probably be a jerk, too. She's apparently slept with numerous people within the company as well as playing up to every guy in every bar they go to. I asked why she still goes to these functions OR why doesn't she just get divorced. WS answer was her marriage is apparently the thin line between her and really going over the edge??

What a sick group they are. Apparently the admiration and HERO worship he is getting there is sufficient for him to overlook how sick they all are.

He came in to pick up the kids. DD6 had been told she had to work on getting her room picked up before going with Daddy. She came out crying because she KNEW she hadn't done anything yet. He was good in telling her to go work on it.

He stood at the door for a few minutes and then walked in to get his mail. We talked for a bit about a few items in the mail. I asked him to please ck the furnace filter. The heat hadn't been working right. He did immediately and it needed to be changed. He said he'd run to the store to get one and by then DD6 should be done with her room

I helped DD work on her room. WS returned, put in new filter, and then came by her room where we were working. I helped her to get a few things together and get ready to go.

Came out and he was getting some of HIS dvds to take with him. Looking for a particular one. I went into our bedroom to look there and he followed. Didn't find it. He stood petting the cat & noticed a couple of Christmas gifts I had put on his dresser. They were for DDs of friends of "his" that he never delivered. He asked and I told him who they were for.

WS " Well, I'm mad at them all right now anyway. I'm tired of always being the good guy, always there for my friends, but they are never there for me"

Bugs, "What's up"

WS "They all KNEW how important this weekend/Mardi Gras event was for me. They go EVERY year. This year they decided to go to the Monster Truck show, and couldn't do both. They gave lots of excuses,,, how cold it was and stuff. But, I told them I had passes for them to MY VIP heated tent. It's just a bunch of crap"

Bugs " Yes, I'm sure it's frustrating to give and give, and give, only to be discounted in return"

I then noticed DSS in the next room and asked him a question. WS then moved out of the room.

Was that a LB????

I DEFINATELY knew that I wasn't talking just about how his friends were treating him, but about HE is treating ME.

Think he recognized that?

Shortly after, kids were ready and he made sure his hands were full. DD6 took her bag from him. I bundled her up and said goodbye. WS came over to me,,,, pretty big, squeezing hug and he made a point to give a kiss.

I then went downstairs and cried! Yep,,,, I let it get to me that here he is complaining about his friends not showing up when the ONE person who SO MUCH wants to be with him - - the ONE person who would have LOVED to be there all weekend, cold & ALL - who would have DIED to be invited to his VIP tent was standing right in front of him & he didn't give a SH*T! Oh it hurts!!!

Then, I pulled it together, logged on, and read Sis's thread. Gained some good insight and reminders to help get me thru again. Hoping I can continue to work with that and myself to continue Plan A for a while.

Stop expecting anything from him. Accept that this is giving for giving's sake right now. KNOW that he is not H, but WS. 2 different people. Reading it, seeing how it makes senese and really "getting" in inside myself is two different things.

Gonna take a bath & then try to work on my taxes.

Bugs:
Finally...the drama in my life seems to have quieted for the moment and I wanted to check in on you. I'm so sorry you've had a rough day. Clearly I'm not in a place right now to give ANY advice, but I'm happy to listen and think about someone else's sitch for a while. My head is spinning.

He probably did not grasp the subtext of your remarks to him, nor did he comprehend that he was doing to you exactly what he was complaining about regarding his friends. Remember what someone (gosh, I hate it when I forget who!! might have been Lex or Pep) said today...the WS is all Taker, all the time. So unless something you say is relevant to his TAKER, it is like talking to air.

DITTO. As you've seen, I have struggled and struggled with this, and people keep telling me and telling me. This is SO tough for me. I can see how it would be so much easier if I "got" that, but my brain and my heart are not cooperating here.

I keep wanting so badly to see H...I shouldn't do that. It just ends up hurting me. I should just think of him as the "alien jacka$$." (this is Daze's name for him) Even when he's nice...be on guard.

What's up with all the floozies at his work? Yuck. Has he always had this thing about "rescuing" damsels in distress? (he did rescue you, today, though...notice that?? with the furnace filter?? I used that one, too!) Something to consider, though, I guess. Any other "jobs" that need a manly man? Car stuff? house stuff? Snow, Ice? A door that won't latch?? Think hard...

Keep coming on here to vent, okay? This is a safe place. And enjoy your bath.

(((hugs)))

Sis,

Sooo, sweet of you to ck in on me with what you have going on. don't know about you, but delving into someone's sitch sometimes helps take the sting out of mine.Not that we enjoy anyone else's pain, but it just takes the focus off myself for a while, which is a good thing.

Had my bath was finishing laundry. WS come by to drop off kids. He proceeded to tell me that if his Old work (which is where I work) makes an offer within X dollars of his current salary, he is going to take it. He proceeded to talk about worrying about the people he would be leaving behind because so many "depend" on him.

I gave him the proper credit that YES, I'm sure they do. But, I also know that they are all taking care of themselves without worrying about you.

This is a good thing for him. I am glad to hear it, as I know it will be good for him in many ways.

He also proceed to to tell me that it is now thoughout MY company about his "relationship" with the OW from his current work. Although he has told them, and continues to tell everyone that it is nothing and never was.

Seems someone that works where I do had lunch with OW the other day and was "extremely rude" to her about it. I pressed for details.

This person basically came out and said that they heard that she was Fu**ing the boss!!

WS confronted the person who he "thinks" this "rumor" came from. She said the the original comment made was that they were "dating". Funny, he didn't deny that was true in any way.

I let him know that it has already started to come back to me at work. He said that I should complain to the boss. I asked, about what? The person wasn't rude or out of line. Everyone knows what's been going on, it is what it is and I"m going to have to deal with it. Period.

He asked if I would have a problem with him going to work at a particular office (in the same town where OW lives). I told him, well, if I can deal with you working with her side by side for months, why would I possibly have a problem with you working in the town where she lives?

I told him I can't control what he does and would not begin to try.

He asked if he should not come back to our company. I told him he should, it IS where he belongs. And I truly believe that.

Oh, by the way, OW is quitting his current company tomorrow. I already knew she was quitting, just didn't know WHEN. She's going to work outside of our industry, Thank GOD!

Wonder if this is another reason he is now more willing to change jobs siince the "fix" won't be in at his current work anymore???

So,,,, he asks how I'm doing, as thru this conversation,I've started to tear up a few times. I said I'd had better days. He asked if I didn't want him telling me things. I told him that it had nothing to do with what he had told me tonight. AND I'd rather hear these things from him than from someone else.

He hugged me, and I started to lose it. I pulled it together. He asked if he should take the kids. I said no. I told him, I just miss you so terribly. His only answer was "I'm sorry"

I KNOW I shouldn't expect it, but I SOOO long just to hear, "I miss you, too"

Hugs, long looks, FELT LIKE PITY, so I got it together and pulled back. He went out the door and I went down the stair to try to pull together.

Kids caught me crying. Played it off as having missed them.

Just on a crying jag. I am so DA** lonely, so DA** hurt right now. Just want him to feel half the pain that I feel!!! UGGGHHH TAKER if pissed off! Just in a pity party kind of way.

OK, vent complete.

Spent all night last night and most of this morning feeling depressed. Sad and weepy.
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Took DD6 to sitter this morning and knowing I just couldn't face talking to WS in my current state of mind, I didn't have her call him as I normally do each morning. I told her & sitter to call Daddy when she was more awake (she was still sleeping when I went to drop her off)

WS has called cell phone twice and I think office twice, but as I don't have caller id on the office phone I can't say for sure. All 4 calls have come in less than 30 minutes. I did not answer.

For some reason, making that decision has made me feel a little better. I think because I took control. I've allowed myself to feel so out of control of everything that this one little decision has made a difference.

I had forgotten that this IS about ME being able to only control MYSELF. I get to choose what I do, how I do it, when I do it. That is for ME.

What he does is on HIM.

To be truthful, is a part of me thinking, "Let him see what it feels like to wonder for a change"? Yes, it is, but that is not the whole of it. I truly needed to let my Taker protect and guide me on this WITHOUT it being a LB; without losing control of myself or emotions in an interaction with him.

Do I think letting him wonder is going to change his behavior, NO.

Does any of this make sense??