IMO, THE GOOD THING about your conversation was the POINTS that YOU MADE and that he did not get you off on a TANGENT.

You know me. My thing is that YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO WHAT A WS SAYS. His primary aim is to gain justification for continuation of his A.

Your GOAL is to make PLAN A POINTS..my changes are sincere, etc.,..to NEGOTIATE AN END TO THE AFFAIR..or for him to RECALL during PLAN B...



GREAT!! You see. You did not fall into his trap.



WONDERFUL!! WONDERFUL!!!



You were there BUT I don't buy this. I had several of these types of conversations with my then WH. HIS AIM WAS TO CONVINCE ME TO GO ALONG WITH HIS PLAN TO LEAVE ME..for me to HELP HIM FEEL LIKE WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS JUSTIFIED AND OK..this was ONE OF HIS WS SCHEMES...



WORK THE PLANS, BUGS. That's what will make the difference AND there is lots of HOPE in your situation. DON'T GIVE UP ON WORKING THE PLANS...now, meeting his ENs with no lovebusting or DJs while in PLAN A....

ACCEPT HIS WAYWARDNESS..WORK YOUR PLAN...It's the NATURE OF THE WH to think that he is done..HE IS CLUELESS..YOU ARE THE ONE WITH PLAN...My H was "DONE" with me, too..Told me: "FACE IT, IT'S OVER.." and look at us now....I told him: "YOU CAN LOVE ME AGAIN"...because I BELIEVED....

No such thing as a WS that tells the truth. If he did it once, he will do it again but will try to keep it from you. I simply would not let her go with him unsupervised if I were you.



Are you absolutely sure that he got a VS? They can be undone, ya know...



He's lying..she's lying..to cover up the affair..

HE'S A CAKE-EATER..HE WANTS BOTH OF YOU...

Mimi

Thank you SO much! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!


I TOTALLY agree and do SEE that he is trying to convince ME that HIS decision to Plan D is the only way to go.


You are right, I didn't fall into his TRAP, much to his dismay I think!

Every time I'd come back with my TRUTH in a calm positive way, the look on his face was that of disbelief.

I watched his physical reactions closely, too. At the start, his jaw was clenched and working back and forth. He was sitting with arms and legs crossed.

I moved over by him on the same couch after a few minutes. I sat facing him with my legs curled up on the couch, arms open, sometimes touching him.

By the end, his arms and legs were uncrossed. Jaw wasn't clenched the entire time, and he had started to look at me more than looking away.

He didn't LIKE what I had to say, I know that. However, something may have actually gotten thru just a tiny little bit.

Work the Plans! Work the Plans! Work the Plans!

So many times in our conversation this came into my mind. I had a sense of CALM thru the whole thing that utterly surprised ME ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

It was because I had a PLAN and I was able to stick to it!!I also have to give credit to God for sending all of those angels to me before, during and after the conversation. While I was waiting for him, I tried to be calm and asked God to surround us while we spoke. To send those angels to protect us and to help speak to his heart.

I could not have done it without the help and learning I have had here. So thanks everyone!

As I look back over this again, I think I am most proud of the is that ALL of my actions and words DEMONSTRATED to him the changes I was telling him about.

Unlike the OLD BUGS - I did not get ANGRY
I did not get DEFENSIVE
I did not try to manipulate the conversation to get out of him what I wanted to hear
I did not try to CONTROL the conversation

Despite being exhausted, I know that I have the energy right now to continue Plan A. I had begun to wonder for a while if I would be able to continue or not.

I don't doubt you on it,,,,,,,I am having that hard headed, just don't want to believe it issue with this!




YES I am sure he had it done. And yes, I know that they can be reversed - he knows it, too. I don't think he TRULY wants to have another baby - at least not enough to go thru the reversal. The whole speech about that was to satisfy OW's view point and to try to make me out as the bad guy. I'm not going to focus too much on that unless it comes back up again.





You got that RIGHT!

For now, I can deal with knowing that is the case.

He's the one that will have to deal with it all when it is time for Plan B!

Mimi-

One last thing for now



These words, hearing about your SUCCESS and wonderful new marriage have been KEY in inspiring me to do everything I can to have the same thing for us!

Thank you again for your giving heart! Your husband is truly a lucky man! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

so is yours Bugs

AMEN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's sweet and so RIGHT ON if I do say so myself!

Just a quick note before heading home for the evening.

DD asked WS on the phone this AM to come to a reading night at school tonight. Apparently he said yes.

When she put me on the phone with him he asked what the event was, so I told him

WS - Are you going?

Bugs - Yes

WS - Why did she ask me?

Bugs - Because she wants you to come.

WS - silence

Bugs - If you are thinking that I put her up to asking you, you have the wrong idea. I had no idea she was going to do that. She just wants both her Mommy and Daddy to be at something that his important to her.

WS - OK.

I haven't heard from him all day. I called and got vm earlier and left a message to remind him of a co-workers Bday today.

Then sent a text - - "Didn't say on VM and wanted to I love you!"

I figure Mr. Cold and Distant will show up. I suspect he had a pretty good "fix" on the OW front today.

But, Happy, Confident and ever loving Bugs will be with him tonight WITH our family!

Yeah!

adulterous aliens are just dumb as a bag of rocks

keep Plan A going

you are making it difficult for him to justify his stupidity

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WS came by and we went together to DD school. It was friendly and nice. He actually stood close enough during the program to lean against me

After we all went for a Happy Meal together. He took call from friend while there. He made sure I heard them make plans for Thurs night

Told me the friend and his W fight all of the time now and were even fighting on the phone.

Joked - he needs to leave her so he and I can buy a house together.

Bugs just smiled

WS - it would be a great batchelor pad!

Bugs - Sorry, I am not on board with that idea!

WS - it would be great. And unlike living with Dad, it would be clean!

Bugs -Smiling- sorry, I won't be on board with this. It starts with the word 'batchelor'.

He Ck'd a message on the way home and was Mr upbeat after

WS -Half a** hug and says have fun!

Bugs - love you! Bye

I sent text that said - thanks for coming tonight. We had a great time. Love you

Frankly the whole evening felt like such a set up. Like it was just to pacify me in some way

I suppose I am to let down my guard and not suspect anything just because he spent time with me IN PUBLIC!

PUHLEESE! Like I am that stupid! As if I am SOOO in love with him that I can not see thru his act tonight!

I think it is funny that in spite of himself it wasn't he77ish to be with me!

No great Plan A points - but no LBs!

I should have used the opportunity at the batchelor comment to put out the Come Home Welcome Mat out. Oh well. Maybe I will be more on the ball next time!

You did do PLAN A...DOMESTIC SUPPORT and FAMILY COMMITMENT NEEDS and I'm sure you were looking ATTRACTIVE...

I love it that you are so ON TO YOUR WH'S SCHEMES...

He thinks that he has you fooled...DUMB, CRAZY ALIEN...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BUGS:

Keep working it....

Truth be told, he DOES still fool me a lot, but I am starting to catch on. Part of me recognizes that in a way, I WANT to be fooled. I WANT so much to see the H, that I have allowed WS to fool me into thinking that H is really here when he is not.

However, seeing the PLAY BOOK and MAP OF ACTIONS followed by WS all over the world spelled out here on this site has helped me SO much in that regard. When I know what to look for and expect, it is so much easier to recognize.

It's like one of those hidden picture puzzles,,,, once you know where to look, the hidden picture is SO obvious.

Everything he is doing is trying to work towards easing me out of his life. I expect as I dig in my heels and refuse to cooperate the way he plans, I will start to see/hear the WS more. I am sure he will start to get more angry and vocal as we go along. The more I "prevent" him from enjoying his A, the more of the "bad guy" I will be to him.

He said he worked with a good friend of his yesterday at his friend's business. I am going to touch base with that friend and bring him up to speed on the continuing affair. I know this friend will NOT like the kids having been with OW.

WS has kids tonight. I have IC at 5pm. I am planning to go tan,,,,think a little color and some UV rays might help my mood!

Am anxious to find out if IC has contacted WS about coming back to counseling. I hope so!

WS told me last night that he thinks his "issues with losing time" are directly related to living with his dad. The living conditions (not very clean) and seeing his dad interact with DSS are bringing back not so good memories.

He asked me, "how did I turn out so different from my family? Usually when you are raised a certain way, you end up the same"

I told him because he had other GOOD influences in his life. The person he most admired in his childhood was his mother's father. He always wanted to be just like him, and that is a VERY good thing.

WS - I never put those things together, but I think you are right.

Now,,,,,,,,,,,does he really think that he can have THAT conversation with OW? Does she know and understand him the way that I do? HECK no!

But, she has the fog and addiction on her side right now.

That is OK for now,,,,,,,She is sorely underestimating the POWER I have on MY side!!!

I was thinking last night though,,,, how long to Plan A. I know that I need to be also thinking and working on developing Plan B.

Is it Vital that you implement Plan B well in advance of WS starting into Plan D?

EXACTLY!!! YOU'VE GOT IT!!!



DON'T GO THERE..you won't know what his R with her is like..and don't want to know...keep the focus on your relationship with each other...



EXACTLY..

OK - - NO thinking about OW!! No good will come of it!

A friend just sent me an email on ways to have a great year. Many of these are so applicable to being in this sitch and great reminders of ways to help me, especially during Plan A.

Think I'm going to print out and keep on my fridge. Gives me something new to focus on each day for ME!


I put it here in case it may help anyone else. Hope it does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Take a 10-30 minute walk everyday. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.



Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.




When you wake up in the morning, complete the following

statement:

My purpose is to __________ today.




Live with the 3 E's: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.




Watch more movies, play more games, and read more books than you did in 2006.




Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, gigong, and
prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.





Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.





Stop dreaming and do more while you're awake.





Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.





Try to make at least three people smile each day.





Clear your clutter from your house, your car, and your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.





Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires,
issues of the past, negative thoughts, or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.





Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems aresimply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.




Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.





Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.





Life isn't fair, but it's still good.





Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.





Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.





You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree
agreeably.





Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.






Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.





Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy things. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.






No one is in charge of your happiness except you.





Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"





Forgive everyone and everything.





What other people think of you is none of your business.






Time heals almost everything. Give time,time.





However good or bad a situation is, it will change.







Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.





Stay in touch.





Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.






Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.






The best is yet to come.





No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.







Do the right thing.






Call your mother and father often.





Each night before you go to bed, complete the following
statements:

I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished __________.







Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.






Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Good morning!

Pretty quiet day yesterday. Didn't hear from WS all day. I called and left vm mid afternoon,,,,just saying hi wanted to chat, call me back luv ya bye

WS returned call almost 2 hours later. I let it go to vm, as I wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk, so I let it go to vm.

I was sitting outside the IC office getting ready to go in for my appt. I had just finished reviewing the things I wanted to talk to her about,,,,thoughts of him and kids w/OW was on my mind. My mindset was totally not in line with Plan A.

I called WS after IC appt, again got his VM. Called back again 15 minutes later and he answered. I asked if he was still having reception issues with his phone. He said yes, it depends on where he is in the house if the call comes thru or not.

I just let that pass even though I know it is a lie. We chatted for a bit. Asked about his day,, his cold is getting better, general light conversation. Said I had errands to run and asked to have kids call at bed time.

I went and signed up for some tanning sessions,,, something I haven't done in years! I always feel a little better when I'm not so pale.

Figured that with the 15 pounds I've lost, some tan/healthy looking skin is just the right touch!

Talked to my sister on the way home,,,,she lives out of state. She thinks that pulling back and letting him fall is the way to go. That he'll come running back. I've tried to explain the Plan A/Plan B to her. We're just on 2 different wave lengths there. She was divorced a very long time ago and still bears the scars.

I finally picked up the phone to call WS and kids at 9:20,,,when it rang in my hands. WS said they had fallen asleep reading books, he was sorry. I talked to DD for just a sec, hoping she'd be able to go back to sleep. Told WS good night, love you.

This am,,,,,I called THEM at 7:15. DSS is supposed to be dropped off for school by that time and I hadn't heard from them. They apparently were just leaving FILs house,, running late.

Talked to DD and DSS, then to WS. Asked what he had planned for today. He said on his way to the gym after drop off.

Bugs = Oh, too bad you're busy. I was going to ask you to sneak back to the house with me after you dropped off the kids for a "quickie".

WS - Listen to you

Bugs - What do you mean? It's a legit offer! Smiling.

WS - laughs

Bugs - Are you going out tonight?

WS - No, what's up

Bugs - Could you pick up the kids? "X" place (a local establishment) is having their grand re-opening tonight and I wanted to stop by to see the gang.

WS - Sure, no problem

Bugs - Thanks! I won't be late, just want to drop in for a few minutes

WS - If you want to "go out", go out, have fun

Bugs - Thanks, no. I'm not up for any big party night. It's a "school" night and I feel a little like I might be getting sick, but thanks!

That was it. A few minutes later my cell rings,,, It's Him?

My heart went pitter patter, thinking he might have reconsidered taking me up on my offer, ,,,,, First question was, where are you? Have you left home yet? He just wanted to know as there was a bad accident on the road that I take and wanted to be sure I was OK. He then asked that I call to get DSS script refill so he can pick up later.
I said I would.

So,,,,,,,,,that's about it. Think I'll text something about his "work out" at the gym not being nearly as fun as the one I had in mind for him,,,, Something funny.

Better get to work

you're doing great!

light flirty interactions.

nice job of protecting yourself when you didn't feel up to it! That is really important, most BS's think they need to jump at any interaction -- you knew it was unlikely to be a good interaction. Its much better to have NO interaction than a BAD one. SO GOOD JOB!

Love those Atta Girl posts! Thanks!

NOT grabbing up the phone every time he calls has been a HUGE hurdle for me. I so TOTALLY crave any interaction with him that I sometimes focus on nothing but that.

When is he going to call?
What's he going to say?
Should I call him?
Why hasn't he called?

I realized this yesterday and it was SO HARD not to answer that call! But, I was very glad that I didn't.

I had also sent him a card in the mail - - - One of those mushy ones about wanting nothing more than to love you forever. I had to send it to our house, as he does not get mail at FILs house.
- I had disguised the handwriting on the envelope, so he didn't know it was from me until he opened it. He opened it Monday night in front of me. He was surprised I had mailed him a card, asked why I mailed it to him at the house. Just told him that I had to mail it there since he didn't get mail at FIL. He said thanks, that's really nice.

Just trying to do small gestures right now. His comment that my actions don't seem "real" made me think that anything over the top or excessive would fuel that thought rather than enforce it being REAL.

BTW - My IC is VERY interested in MB. I have shared everything I have been doing, reading, working on here. She is amazed at the changes she sees in me and asking "how are you doing this so well?"

We spent extra time in my session yesterday discussing the MB concepts. Sounds like we have another convert!

My therapist was like this, too...