Hi Bugsmom, i just wanted to say i have been following your thread in every detail, and although i am in no position to offer any advice i would like you to know that my heart is with you. From all your posts it sounds like you are a very nice person with a heart of gold and i hope all works out for you. Sorry to jump in like this but just thought i had to say something. Good luck and keep up the disciplined work you are doing great!

evo,

Feel free to jump on in any old time!

For me, I get a {{{{boost}}} just from knowing that there are foks out there like you,,, reading my story,,,caring what happens,,,sending those caring thought my way.

THANK YOU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I can never say enough how being here has done me such a TREMENDOUS amount of good. All of the great advice, not only on my own thread, but even more so from what I read and learn on others.

It has restored my faith in my "fellow man" (and WO-man)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thank you again for your kind words and encouragement!

So FURIOUS and HURT right now!!

Friend just called. WS went to new work main office earlier today with OW in the car with him!!!!

We are NOT divorced! I told another co-worker that yesterday. Is this way to PROVE to everyone that we WILL be?

It is to RUB this AFFAIR in my FACE????????????

I want to get in my car and drive to her house to see him drop her off!

I know it's not the thing to do,,,,, but I am so crushed right now!

Somebody say SOMETHING to help me calm down and know what to do here,,,,,,,, please!

Breathe.....

I'll tell you what my mom told me when I saw WH and MOW driving right behind each other into work when bothe left an hour prior.
She told me "remember the woman who ran over her H in the parking lot"

Breathe, scream but don't go.

Still

Great advice! I did actually LOL!!

I just hung up the phone w/him.

I had sent him a text "Hey what are you doing? Wanna get together tomorrow after the kids go to school for some playtime?"

He IMMEDIATELY called me back. Told me all about his day and that he has to go to work tomorrow to start the new job.

I said, oh yes, I heard you were at work office, everyone was wondering who your passenger was.

He EXPLODED!!! DEMANDED to know who told me. I refused. Said it didn't matter. Asked him WHY is he so mad?

WS - It's nobody's business and I'm tired of these games

Bugs - What games and who is playing them?

WS - You and all of your little informants! Like I'm being watched

Bugs - "WS" you have told numerous people at our work that we are separated. It's only natural when you are seen with another woman that it will be talked about I don't understand why YOU are so mad

WS continues to rant - Says only ONE person saw his passenger and that if I don't tell him WHO told me, then he is going to have a TALK with that person tomorrow!!

I told him,,,, THAT is NOT the person who told me.

He wouldn't let it go. I left a vm for the person who he is going to "talk" to tomorrow. I don't want him to bear the brunt of WS anger. That is not right, but I can not stop WS from doing it.

I feel bad, as this person has been a friend to both of us and I KNOW how BAD the person will feel when WS goes off on them.

Still,,,, so TYPICAL WS behavior. They act POORLY but then are angry with EVERYONE else for what THEY did!

FOGGY FOGGY FOGGY

Who is he really mad at??? Guess whoever is making him face the fact that what he is doing is WRONG. If NOBODY knows then it's all OK?????????

UGGGHH

Actually, I am feeling pretty calm right now. I just feel bad for this other person having to be drug into the middle of this when they do not deserve it.

They are really mad at themselves but just can't or won't admit it. If they didn't blame others it would mean they need to take responsibilty. That's not fun.

I'm glad you didn't go... and glad I could make you lol.

Still

typical WH behavior....get angry about the MESSENGER, to deflect YOUR anger about HIS AFFAIR!!!

And it worked, didn't it? Cuz the rest of the conversation wasn't about OW and him being together. The rest of the conversation was about who told you....

Plan A is not about repressing your emotions.

You SHOULD be angry about him being with OW.
Not laughing and bantering about it.

He still thinks he has you fooled, and that this isn't the reason for him leaving. Its just a deepening friendship....

You really need to know exactly what it is you are dealing with. Have you considered a PI?

Lexx,

I know full well that this is no joke. But if I do not laugh I will cry. If I start to cry right now I may never stop.

There is no doubt in my mind what is going on with OW.

I saw friends after work for a couple of hours. Ws Picked up DD and DSS. We spoke on the phone for just a minute on the logistic. I kept all negative out of my voice and words

Picked up DD. WS gave me car insurance card, mentioned shopping for new coverage and renewal of AAA membership. He did not bring up the cost or payments with regard to who should pay what

DD was getting stuff together. WS asked my plans for the weekend. Said nothing special, why?
WS- thought we should continue our talk
Bugs - ok, what do you have in mind
WS- just that we should finish what we started
WS- I was mad today
Bugs- yes I know. I wasn' feeling especially happy myself
Some back and forth about how people should not talk/gossip
I just said well you can not stop it. If you are going to be out in public with her you have to expect to be seen
WS- I did not mean to hurt you. I do not know what to tell you. If I tell you things it hurts you. If I don't you still find out and it hurts you
Bugs- yes it hurts. I just need you to be honest
WS- I Am being honest. I planned on telling you about what is going on when we talked this weekend. There is not enough time to talk during the week
Bugs- well then between now and then use more care in your actions. You are a smart man. You knew the risk of being seen there and it getting back to me were almost a sure be
WS went into big explaination of his day, how it was not planned for them to be there together circumstance, etc
Bugs - calmly shrugs ok
WS seems frustrated.
Bugs- I don't know what to say. It is what it is
WS - I don't know why I try to explain
Bugs- what do u want me to say? It would do no good to get all upset and throw a fit. I won' feel less hurt and it won't change the facts
WS- I understand.

WS said something about" telling me what is going on in his life". Then something about any time we talk about us, it gets no where. He says what he wants and I say what I want but it is opposite
Bugs- I thought our talk the other night was good. It was nice to share things and I did not feel we were fighting

Some minor chat
WS walks us out to car. I got in and reAlized he was left standing outside the car w/DD backpack and all doors closed
I rolled down the window. DD got the backpack
WS - are u ok
Bugs- yes I love you goodnight

WS called a few mintues after I got home. He needed to come by for DSS meds, asled if I need anything that he could get on the way
Said no, we're good

I put DSS meds by the door and was brushing DD's hair sitting on the couch when he came in. I just kept brushing

WS picked up meds and then just hovered. Finally he came over to DD for a kiss and said goodnight

I had finished her hair and stood up for him to leave

WS reaches out and pulls me close. Big one arm hug.

Says - I am sorry. I know it probably doesn't mean or help much

Bugs sighs, says nothing, but leans in with head on his shoulder.

Stood there for a bit and both pulled back

WS looks in my eyes and holds my hand. Then turns and says ok, good night

Bugs-goodnight be careful

I know the "talk" will entail how he is moving on, never coimg back, etc. It will hurt, but I will live

I will stay my course as well. I know what I have to do and I BELIEVE in it with all of my heart

This has to run it's course and I can only control ME.

I know my calm demeanor has him confused and I do believe he is just a tiny bit conflicted. Not enough to change his course. His feelings of guilt are nothing more or less than that-just guilt. It is not going to bring him home

This all makes perfect sense as I write it. I know that the facts here are true,,,,,, but my heart is STILL breaking

This hurt is not going away for a long, long, time - no matter what happens

Feeling weirdly calm and Sick all at once.

:::scratching head:::

that sounded to me like you coaching him on avoiding being seen with OW....

I think you need to show more disapproval, and/or pain about it. Being so nonchalant about it somehow conveys that it doesn't bother you so much....??? And in his warped mind it means you don't care and must not love him.

Personally, I think he's trying to butter you up (explaining, justifying, trying to get you agree that the marriage wasn't working) for the kill (telling you that he HAS to go through with the divorce).

I know that will hurt, but maybe less so if you are prepared for it. I think that is what he is up to with this "continuing the talk" talk.

Wow bugs,
I wrote my reply before your last update.

I must say you have a really good grasp of all of this!
Amazing how perceptive you are!

Sorry he's being such a dork. I wish you weren't being hurt by this. You deserve so much more. You're awesome!

I TOTALLY AGREE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, all!

Wish it were as easy to align all of what I "know" with all that I "feel".

Lexx,,,,, I realized at the time that what I said could have been taken by WS as coaching and was rather sorry I said that.

HOWEVER, as he was going on and on about how it wasn't intentional,,,,justifying,,,,that he didn't MEAN to hurt me,,,,PLAYING DUMB,,,, I said that to let him know that Nobody believes that! Not when he is an Intelligent Man. He's smart enough to have KNOWN what was more than likely was going to happen and HE DIDN'T CARE!

It's unfortunate that a group of my friends here have been drawn into it and feel badly because of it all. HE was the one that acted poorly, but they are the ones that feel BAD. They were torn as to what, if anything, to tell me. I can't take responsibility for it,,,,it is not MINE to take, but I still feel really bad.

My silent, calm demeanor was MORE of a signal of the disapproval and hurt to WS than any WORDS I could have used. When I feel things so deeply, WS knows that I (at first) have a very hard time talking about it. The CALM was the most powerful part of my message last night.


YOU WILL LOVE THIS DETAIL THAT I DIDN'T POST LAST NIGHT!!

WS - Remember when I found that condom (a friend had given me as a joke)? I do believe your explaination about that. But remember? Do you know that I felt a sense of RELIEF that you had found someone?

Bugs - I am sure you did. I, however, don't feel that way about YOU having found someone else.

Good Lord,,,, is there ANYTHING they won't grasp at to help them Jusitfy what they are doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

My finding someone would make it SO much easier for him! And we all know that this is ALL about him!

What a HORRIBLE thing to say to me!!

It's like I told my friend at work, he needs to cover up, he needs things to be EASY for him, so whenever something happens that disrupts that plan, he gets angry and defensive. Even though he is in an indefensible position


So,,,, what's up for today?

Talked to WS after DD this a.m. He said he was on his way to first day at work for a meeting. Wonder why I saw him drving the OPPOSITE way?? Who knows? Who cares?

I was supportive of what a great thing it is. Asked if he was excited. Told him to have fun,, have a great day.

He said he'd call me later.

So,,,, I am looking for advice on next steps and this weekend. How much pro-active Plan A action to take? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ideas or suggestions?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I sent the suggestive text message yesterday,,, after I already knew about the siting. I did not send anything last night.

I am pretty on edge about the pending "talk" this weekend. I am going to push to have it sooner rather than later so that I have time to process it all before next week begins.

I have to be out of town 3 nights for business, Mon thru Wed. Need to have my head on straight by then.

We all have a very good idea what he's going to say so I am open for some return babble ideas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have been feeling "ok" until this morning when I realized it was a special "dress up" day at school for DD and I FORGOT. This is the 1 thing that has managed to start a crying jag. I started crying as I was typing this - - No matter what happens with WS, not being able to do the little things for DD just KILL me. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like a BAD Mom. I know I'm not,,, but right now I feel that way.

BTW - just before leaving work, a 'mutual' work frien came by. I shared with him what happened with the OW being seen at work and WS's angry reaction/

Friend, who is very good at listening and not 'taking sides' so to speak agreed that WS was wrong to be mad.

That if WS is in this R, then it's on HIM and he should not be mad at anyone else.

I am hoping he will be spreading the message. He knows that I want my marriage back. I've told him exactly where I stand. I know he won't go running to WS to tell him everything I said, but the message will get thru eventually.

A lot of last night I spent thinking about how to proceed.

I know I can't give up Plan A just yet, as WS would see that as giving in and his WINNING. Right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It is just that I wonder about him believing, because I am in Plan A, that I "approve" somehow of his R with OW.

While I don't like it one little bit, and am scared to death of when the time comes for Plan B, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am also sure that nothing is going to change (if ever) until that time.

Only by going thru reality totally without me will any possible realization or reconcilation be possible.

Is it just that I am too anxious to try to MAKE something happen that I think at times that I want to do Plan B soon?

I just don't know,,,,,,,,,,,

I AGREE!!



No you shouldn't feel like YOU ARE BAD. YOU ARE THE VICTIM..this has been DONE to YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER..your H has basically ABANDONED you for ANOTHER WOMAN... I would say this over and over to myself when I STARTED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT FUNCTIONING UP TO PAR...

"YOU ARE DOING THE VERY BEST THAT YOU CAN IN THE MIDST OF A TRAGEDY..YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE...."

Be careful with any contact with MEN FRIENDS..you are at HIGH RISK and sad to say they may be hitting on you..this happened with a couple of my H's FORMER BEST FRIENDS..I think I began to depend on them inappropriately...

Bugs;
You're thinking exactly what I am -- that you need to appear less "approving" and be more clear that this is devasatingly painful and WRONG.

I'm glad friend will talk to him -- more disapproval is needed!

And he needs to know he's not fooling anyone -- they all know he's having an affair, and thats the reason for your breakup.

He seems sensitive to being the "bad guy" so use that.

He is VERY sensitive to being viewed as the 'bad guy".

He's brought it up several times to me that he knows-"You won't be happy until my name is drug thru the mud. YOU are trying to make me look like a piece of SH*T"

Still, he has yet to offer one example of how I have done that??!!

another friend of his and his wife keep in touch thru email jokes,,,I replied to one of them letting them know what's up. Didn't include a bunch of detail, just that WS is WS.

I hope to get a chance to talk to FIL this weekend. It probably won't help, as WS doesn't listen to FIL on this subject at all, but he needs to know.

remember

it is not adultery that is wrong ... just the word

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

stoooooooooooopid aliens