i wish I had read your posts before talking to him, it would have helped

he showed up without calling and much earlier than I expected.

I know that going to Plan B now would make him think he has "won" and make it easier for him. For me, letting him go full force into the A, for it to fail or succeed on it's own would be easier than having to deal with the reality of it on a daily basis.


I don't know if I am strong enough to face him daily with trying to meet is ENs and having him so cold and unfeeling, never giving or returning any affection.

I just don't know.

((((Bugs))))

Been there in that type of conversation.

I love the way they want to be fair..... yes Bugs lets be fair. I know I haven't been fair to you but let's be fair about this D. Split everything down the middle.

Bugs the way I am feeling right now is do not have the same lawyer.... you want one who will be looking out for you and your childrens interest. Go for everything you can get if he files. My feeling is that finacialy is the only way for them to feel the sting of what they are doing. Can you tell I'm not having a good day.

Honey go take a hot shower and cry. After give your kids a great big hug. And tonight start writing that PBL.

(((Bugs))) I'm so sorry I know how much this hurts.

Still

Yuck. That hurts. But you did fine. You stuck to your truth. But it hurts, hurts, hurts to look at this man who looks just like your H but is a total stranger bent on hurting you. Cognitive dissonance. It's awful and so painful.

That said...let's give you back some perspective so you don't feel so lost.

Keep in mind...there were no big surprises, here, right? This isn't what you wanted deep down, in your heart, but it's what you expected in your head. You WANT the light switch to turn on based solely on your incredible Plan A. But the chances of that are VERY VERY slim. You know this, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Someone posted recently that Plan A only works in about 15% of cases.

The other 85% require Plan B.

And Plan A hurts, because you are putting yourself out there over and over, only to be rejected again and again. I know how much it hurts...

Okay. Bugs doesn't do divorce, Bugs does marriage....so Bugs will not let anything be "easy." The ripping apart of a family should not be cordial and friendly. You will not go along with that. But don't get all worked up about this, because all of that stuff takes time, too.

You will be okay. Take some time. Deep breaths. It's not the end of the world. You will bounce back from this one, and probably live through several more just like it. You are still in Plan A.

You have a plan. He's just flying by the seat of his pants.

I think one of the strongest messages you can send to a WS is that it will NEVER be amicable, or friendly.
And you had the chance to do that! If anything make those statements stronger!

I will NOT be friends with someone who betrayed me.
DD's wedding WILL be an AWKWARD event for you.
You will NOT be invited to birthday parties.
You'll have to plan your OWN graduation party for her.
I will NEVER talk with you again.

WS's truly believe they can manipulate the entire scenario. They can show enough sorrow to placate their BS into feeling sorry for them and helping them through this. They can go to counseling to say they "tried". They stay on friendly enough terms to "share a lawyer" (meanwhile they are telling their allies that WH and BS get along so well and agree about the divorce to do things AMICABLY!)
They don't have the courage to leave for OP, so they invent a hundred other reasons why the marriage hasn't been working for such a long time....

So BUGS, do not listen to his GARBAGE. Do not subject yourself to it -- and don't believe ANY of it! Do NOT take what he says to heart!

6 weeks? What a load of crap! He never stopped seeing her. He just thinks that makes him look better. And OW is 100% the reason you split up, he just can't handle how bad that makes him look. Get the word out!

He is SO sensitive to how he looks to others -- use that to your advantage! And keep holding up that mirror! Make him face himself.

And go on showing dignity, kindness to him in the face of his ugliness. Meet any needs he will let you!

Ihave started further investigation into OW so I can extend exposure. Am trying to find names of XH and XBF

Am also telling all I see that WS is leaving for OW

I am at the airport now for business trip. WS is keeping DD while I am gone. They will feed pets at my place while I am gone

I left a dessert for WS and kids on the counter with a note

"WS,
I have been thining non stop since you left here. I have been thru every emotion there is. It somewhat surprises even ME that there is one constant. One emotion that is there no matter the hurt and pain. That is love. I love you

I know that no matter the past, whatever has happened, what you have done, we CAN have a great marriage, one better than you can imagine
You CAN love me the way I need and want you to. All you have to do is choose to give us the chance and it will happen
I know I can not force you to do or feel anything. That choice is yours
I also have a choice. I choose to believe in us, eve if you do not right now
Love
Bugs

He talked to DD this and but hung up w/o talking to me, so I sent TM. "Good morning! Have a great day! Luv bugs"

I needed to leave town in an up note.

I have been obcessively thinking about contacting OW. Dreamed ot talking to her. PlEASE talk me out of that!! I know it won't do the sitch any good but I really want to do it

AND





I AGREE A ZILLIONTH PERCENT WITH LEXX....

Thx all!

One minute I am strong and capable in my MB cloak and utility belt

The next

I want to throw up and feel like my heart will explode from the pain

BUT I WILL contine this plan. I will do my best to Plan A and ignore the Alien pressence

I am shooting for the end of April, first part of May for Plan A timeline.

Hope I can make it. I am just concerned with walking that fine line between meeting needs and hom thinking I am a door mat who is going to give him what he wants and to make it easy for him. The 2 things so diametricly(sp?) opposite.

I am gonna need all of the very specific advice I can get. The more detailed, the better right now. I can barely think and speak, so need all the help I can get

Thanks so much!

Can you give an example of how you might perceive of yourself as BEING A DOORMAT?

What do you think are his primary ENs?

I do not think it is MY perception of being a doormat, but HIS. That by doing all of the Plan A activities, he will believe he can do whatever he wants and I will just accept it

His ENs are SF, admiration, and conversation. Atleast that is what I think they are

I may have messed up the opportunity onf the future SF. We have been haing it atleast 1x per week. I asedk yesterday if it was just s*x for him.
He said'I did not want there to be any confusion on that, remember?'
I said yes, I do remember. I am just asking if it was just s*x with no feelings'
WS- 'I like having s*x with you. The feelings just are not what you want them to be'

I let it go, but think he will be hesitant to engage again after that?

I try every day to say something I admire about him. Even in our conversation yesterday I did

Ideas? Thoughts?

What I'm going to say is SOOOOO CRUCIAL and SOOOOOO ESSENTIAL FOR PLAN A...

I wish I could get you to TRUST ME ON THIS....

ONLY FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND NOT ON WHAT YOUR WH SAYS OR DOES!!! TAKE THE FOCUS COMPLETELY, I SAY COMPLETELY OFF OF HIM!!

This is the ONLY WAY, the ONLY WAY that I was able to do PLAN A..and I do think that PLAN A was an ESSENTIAL PART of the PROCESS of my marital recovery....



So you picked up on what I was getting at here...It does not matter what HE BELIEVES..or what HE THINKS..it's ALL ABOUT YOUR PLAN.... Being a WH, an alien being, with dyfunctional THOUGHT PROCESSING, he is not THINKING OR FEELING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON....



WHY?? Did you think that he was going to give you an HONEST ANSWER???

90% of what HE SAYS AND WHAT HE DOES is aimed at getting you to STOP PLAN A so he can JUSTIFY TO HIMSELF CONTINUATION OF HIS AFFAIR!!!

Plan A does not involve getting anything back from the WS. It's all GIVE, GIVE, GIVE..DO, DO, DO... ON YOUR PART.


And hopefully you are doing PLAN A because you BELIEVE IN IT..that it's what YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW...

I say GO AHEAD AND CLAIM YOUR TERRITORY and STOP LISTENING TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY...

WORK YOUR PLAN!!!

MIMI is soooooo right.

Don't listen to what he says! His answers are intended to hurt you -- so that you will give up and let him go with minimal trouble!

He will NOT give you honest answers to even the most benign of questions. Is is just sex? Did you expect him to say he LOVES you? That would be contrary to his escape plan!

But he still wants it! Doesn't he?

So let go of his "talks" and "answers".

Don't let it touch you. You are doing what you need to do regardless of his apparent response to it!

Put on your super-protective shield!

Kirk to Engine room,, Scotty, we need all power to the shields!"

Ok, bad joke, but I do get it!

I Do believe. Ibelieve in my marriage, myH, my plan,and God's power and grace in this situation. My family's future is at stake and as hard as it will be, I have to do this to know for myself that I did everything possible to save it.

I did NOT expect WS to tell me he loves me. I think I wanted to know if he would be so cold as to say to my face that it was all just s*x. I know, careful what I say I want to 'know'

The addiction is powerful. I have to get more on OW and get some pressure on the exposure end of things

Thanks fo helping me keep the focus where it belongs.

I expect nothing. If anything, expect on negative responses. Keep right on doing this for ME.

EXACTLY! YOU'VE GOT IT!

Shields are up and functioning!

Sent WS Text message -

"just got to hotel, it's really cold here. Made me think of Jamaica?? Guess it was the hot hotel s*x that I was remembering! How's your day going?"

WS Text back - Good

Bugs text - Call me if you aren't busy

WS calls, said day was going good, we chatted about details of his day. He then tells me when I send a longer text message, he gets just the last part of it first.

So today he got "day going?"

To which he replied "good"

Then he got the rest, which he quoted all but the hot s*x comment. So I said,,,, so you are just going to ignore the part about the hot s*x? laughing

WS - Oh, I got, I got it,,,,little laugh

Bugs went on to tell him I'd call them later this evening. I have work function to attend.

Felt good to send the text, have some fun, and not give a crap what he thought or said in return. I know I won't always be able to think that way, but maybe it will get easier the more I do it.

I also now end every call with Luv you. I didn't say that much before, so I try to get it in every time. And no, I don't expect him to say in return. He has said it several times since he left, but not recently since OW is in BIG time.

That's ok. I say it because I want to. Someday he just might miss it when he doesn't get to hear it anymore.

Gotta get to some dinner, drinks, and networking. Need my job now more than ever!

Hello everyone!

Feel like I've been gone for ages!! Am still out of town for business and have been busy non stop

Let's see. Talked to WS on limited basis due to work schedules.

Tonight, he was sounding down, so kept digging, asking if all was ok. He finally came out with some concerns about work. I used the opportunity to give Admiration and support!

Funny, he starts out many conversations as alien, but comes around to sharing, etc when I am calm, happy, and supportive. It is hard to quanitfy specific Plan A activities to it, but I know I am meeting needs in these conversations. Needs that I KNOW OW can't meet. She does not have the history or knowledge to do so!

WS asked me if I'd watch kids Fri night,,,, even tho it's his weekend and I will have them Thurs. night. I said, NO, I can't. I have plans. I almost softened, but stuck with it! Do not want to give him opportunity for date night with OW,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he hasn't been able to see her all week with me being out of town.

Lexxy & Mimi,, you should be proud! I did not believe or give in when he gave me story of WHY he asked me to watch them. I REMEMBERED that no matter what the story was he gave me, it is probably a LIE! I didn't listen!

I am feeling a little more confident,,,,had some great support and positive comments from co-workers this week. Helped put my self esteem back on track.

Need to think of more ways to try to meet ENs in the coming weeks! Open to ideas!

Remember the "carrot and the stick"?
Under no circumstances should you enable his "Infidelity"!!
You did great! "SMACK"
PGA

Way to go BUGS!!!!

I am so glad you held your ground on Friday night!!
And it sounds like you are doing just an EXCELLENT Plan A.
I am particularily glad to see you are able to read the situation so well! You know you're being lied to -- but didn't react to it, and held your ground....just perfect!!

You're able to break through the coldness, and reach him.

Work is a very nice distraction, isn't it? Hope you have a job you like. It sounds like it.

Hey everyone!

Have just a second before my FINAL day of meetings!! I will be so glad to go home and sleep in my own bed tonight!

yesterday, I sent WS text message during the day, "trying to stay awake in my meeting, so I am thinking of you naked"

Then talked to him on his way home from work. I called to talk to DD at bedtime, but got VM. They called me back, but I was at dinner with clients and co-workers and missed the call.

Later, when I got back to the hotel, I sent WS text message. "I miss you. Call me" I can't believe HE DID!!

We chatted,,I talked dirty to him, which he enjoyed,,no R talk!! Just acted fun and silly. He responded well, which was a nice BONUS! We talked for almost 45 minutes,,,,in the middle of the night,,,, with him having said how TIRED he was.

So,,,, am thinking of what I can do when I am in town again. I have kids tonight, which is really good because I MISS them!

I won't have time to post, but may be able to view later. Any great Plan A ideas are welcome!!

So you didn't get cold WH last night on the phone, you got your H!!!

WTG!

You know, I think I saw a glimpse of H. He was the one who picked up the phone and called, that is for sure.
WS was also there, holding back at times. I ignored WS the whole time!
Sent him text today


He called to see if my plane landed and to be sure kids have stuff for tonight w/me. Kinda cold


He called to talk to kids early. Said he was just leaving work and going to get something to eat. CODE for having dinner date with OW

I just said 'have fun'

WS- 'that is the plan'

I did the usual LoVE you, bye

Did not let disappointment/hurt creep into my voice

Am sending text after this (they will ne together) and am going to offer 'dessert' at my house!