Bugs - I know you are in Plan A, but dear gods . . .

Plan A does NOT mean you condone and enable his affair and put on a happy face about him and his wh*re enjoying dinner together just so he won't get mad at you.

That's NOT what it's about. If you behave this way he will only lose the last crumb of respect that he might have had for you, and no man can love you if he does not respect you.

Did you read "The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A?" You are using all carrot and no stick, and I am afraid that one day you will regret this. Your own self-respect and self-esteem are going to be the first casualties - and what will you have left for him then?
Mulan

mulan,

You are exactly right. I knew as soon as I hung up the phone that I messed up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have a VERY hard time confronting WS at those times. I am just at a loss for words. If I confront, I get angry and then easily slide down a tangent.

WS had meetings for work starting at 12:30am. I had called WS about DS school badge last night and got VM. I sent a TM about it later. WS sent text back at 1:30 am, so I called.

His text said he was already at work. So I said, "So you didn't go home last night?" ( we live over an hour away from his current work,,,,,,,,,but OW lives 10 minutes away)

WS - No, I didn't leave here last night til after 6.

Bugs - What does THAT have to do with anything?

WS - I had to be back here at 12:30.

Bugs - yea, whatever

I AGAIN should have confronted him.

So,,, I had been thinking all night and this am (before and after your post above), about what to say.

Here's my thought - -

Bugs - "I realize I have no control over what you do, but I have to tell you that what you are doing is WRONG. You ARE still married and should not be dating:

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

It was just such a blessing being away for 3 days and not having to deal with this cr*p much,,,,,,,,,,,,now I am right back in the thick of things! YUCK!!

I have tried finding out the office number for OW's new job, but no success as of yet. Same with trying to find relatives, XH, XB of OW. I am going to try a couple of new avenues today.

Ok - EXPERTS!!!???????

Help me understand how to better use the STICK in Plan A!

I know I can not allow WS to get away with thinking that I am OK with his A, his seeing OW, and spending the night there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just get tangled up in the 2 sides of Plan A,,,, Showing him that I CAN and WANT to meet his needs AND at the same time, setting boundaries that I need.

Here's something I've been working on,,,,,,,,,,

WS-

I have been thinking since our conversations last night and early this morning.

You have made it very apparent that you have chosen your path; that is out of my control

However, I just have to say that what you are doing is not only wrong, but also completely disrespectful of our family and me.

You are having an affair while we are still married. Might I remind you that this is something you said you would never do.

I cannot believe that someone with your strong moral values has chosen to continue to act immorally and with such utter disregard for yourself, for our family and me.

You are a better man than this.

I went tanning salon this afternoon and think I burned my behind!

It is kind of ironic! I think I needed burn on the behind to really get me thinking.

I am an amazing woman! I am smart, I am strong, I am intelligent, I'm pretty good looking, I have a great personality, I am funny!

Why in the world should I have ANY problems standing up for what I know is right and true?

I almost starting feeling sorry for WS earlier this afternoon. He really has NO clue what he is giving up. And for what?

I did get some further detail on OW, but no addresses or phone numbers with which to EXPOSE the affair to any of her friends/family. Although I know a "mutual" friend is more than aware of what is going on and has told some of OW's "friends". No one close to her that i know of, but word does get around.

I'm not yelling it from the roof tops, but I am no longer hesitant to state the facts that he is having an AFFAIR.

So,,,,, am not perfect yet in Plan A but think I am making small improvements! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

atta-girl!!

OMG!!

What a NIGHT!!

Ok, let me calm down and back up first.

WS was to have kiddos last night. I called to say good night at usual time, WS was not home yet. He had FIL pick up kids.

I was brief on the phone and said I'd call DSS's phone. It didn't go thru. I called FIL phone next and got him (BTW, they have no house phone, only cell so I call WS phone to talk to kids)

Spoke with FIL, as I was upset,,,, and had been wanting to tell him about OW. FIL said we'd talk one on one when no one was around, but we talked enough that he knows what is going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WS called me right after I got off phone with DSS, to let me know DSS's phone wasn't working. I told him I'd already talked to kids and all was well. He said he was out with a good friend.

This am, I got up and went out. I was out most of the day with family. Great Grandma is 96, lives alone and is doing great! She is an amazing lady! Went to help Mom and Sis Spring clean GGrandma's house.

WS called mid morning to touch base and ask if a check had been mailed to the house from his former work. I said no, but I did not check the mail last night. He said he'd run by to check the mail on their way to the bank.

I talked to kiddso and hung up. WS called back a few minutes later to "fill me in" on the sitch with his friend, his wife, and kids. Talked for 10 to 15 minutes filling me in on everything.

Funny, he made some kids of comment about friend's daughter starting modeling career,,,,, and says "Well, now we have model in the family". I thought, "WHOSE FAMILY??"

So, finished at GGramdma's, spent time with the folks and then ran some errands. Shopping and then went to tan.

Came home, did a few quick things around the house and went to start my "EVENING OF RELXATION". I had my book, by wine, my crackers, and cigs. Had a nice long, relaxing bath. I even spent some time with my b.o.b.

I was drying my hair and there was a knock at the bathroom door. Scared me, as I had locked both front door and bathroom door. It was WS.

He had come by to deliver food for the dog. So, I let him go about his business and finished drying my hair. Came out and he was "Mr. Business Only". I was relaxed, let the robe hang open a little, having already given him a "peak" when I opened the bathroom door.

He said he needed to use the bathroom. He came out and made a comment that I had become the "masturb**n" queen, as he had seen b.o.b. (battery operated boyfriend) sitting out in the bathroom.

I laughed and said no, not queen. Just maybe a princess!

He laughed and started to leave. I got the half arm hug with those condesceding pats. I patted him back exactly the same way. He looked at me weird and left.

I noticed that he hadn't left the driveway after a while. Of course, let's be honest, I was watching the whole time PRAYING he would come back in and give me some real affection and attention!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Finally, I wasn't sure if he was still out there or not, so I walked out. He was coming from behind the house. He said he was looking for floor mats he'd left here. Did I know where they were? I said no.

The last time I saw them, they were downstairs. He asked if he could come in and look. Whick, of course, I said yes.

I went downstairs behind him and "helped" him look, but we did not find them. It was funny. Every time I tried to get close to him, it was like I had "cooties" and he went somewhere else to look.

We didn't find them, and he went to leave,,,, Again. This time I got a REAL hug and gave a REAL hug back. And he was gone.

I called a while later to say good night to kids and got his vm. Said I'd call again later.

He called a bit after that and asked if I was calling to say good night to kids. I said yes and talked to the kids. He got on at the end. I told him to have a great evening. He said, you do the same.

I said,,, Oh,,,, I WILL. I said this with a hint of suggestion in my voice. He asked, "what does that mean"

I said, " just that I am going to have a great evening. Good night".

I am going to post this and then continue to the REAL part of the evening! STAY TUNED<<<<<<<<<<<<<it gets GOOD!

Ok

So I think to myself,,,, knowing WS's mind and the way it works, he is thinking that I have a "date" coming over. So, I turned on the porch light. I had turned them off when he left.

Sure enough,,,, about 45 minutes later, I am sitting there watching tv, look up, and there is a face staring in the window,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WS!!! It scared me, but not as much as I let on.

I let him in. He hem hawed around, but said that he'd had come to "sneak a peak" = Thinking that I'd be spending time with b.o.b. OR maybe someone else and he could watch.

Ws - "Not that I'd be jealous or mad,,, just to get a peak"

Bugs - "That's sick"

WS -"Ok, so I'm sick"

Bugs - "No, I didn't say YOU were sick, but that thinking sure is sick"

He hemed and hawed around some more,,,,,,,,, while Bugs in her sexy night gown is leaning against him, doing some kissing and caressing.

Ws ="I didn't come here for this. That only makes things confusing. I just wanted a peak"

Bugs- "A peak of what"

WS - "just a peak.:

Bugs, leans in more and caresses.

This goes on for a while with WS talking about how he doesn't want to hurt Bugs any more. Some of my replies were = "THAT is for ME to decide. I am entitled to my own decisions."

"You don't know much. You don't know anything about me"

WS made a comment about it just being s*x and that Bugs can't do that. He knows that and he doesn't want to keep hurting me.

At one point, I had his pants down,,,,,,,,,,,he kept insisting,,, "don't do this, it isn't right,,, We are ENDING this" . Bugs was persistent, but not overbearing.

I COULD have had him right then and there,,,, I knew the "move" to do it, but I didn't do it

WHY NOT?? You are probably asking yourself that? I know I asked myself the same thing.

Because knowing WS the way I do, he would have turned it into a PITY thing and I wasn't going to allow him that pleasure.

So, he backs off and I let him.

BUT,,,,,,,,,,,,, he still doesn't leave.

Bugs - "this is sad"

WS- "what's sad"

Bugs - We have this connection, yet you are walking away"

WS - "you can't have a relationship on s*x alone"

Bugs - "no, you can't. But, that is where we started. We built so much more around it and now you are walking away"

Ws - "I've changed"

Bugs- "I know you have. The man I know would not be doing the things you are. But, you are still the same man somewhere deep inside"

Ws-"I am a good man"

Bugs - "I know you are a good man inside, but what you are doing is not good. I know you think you have changed, but the real guy is still inside there. He would be home with his family, taking care of his wife and chilrend"

WS -I still take care of my family

Bugs- THIS is not family, not the way things are now. Its not a FAMILY. A family is all of us here together"

WS - I'm still a good DAD

Bugs - No, you are not. A Good dad would not walk away from his family. a GOOD dad would not be f'ing around on his children's mother.

WS - you say f'ing around. It's not like that and you know it

Bugs - I know only that YOU are HAVING AN AFFAIR. Call it what you want, but that is what it is"

We back and forthed just a bit,,,, with him "justifying" that he wasn't "seeing" HER until we were split up/

I finally said, "split hairs all you want. You were having an affair before you left and you still are. It's not right. We are MARRIED. Just because you left and decided in your "mind" that we were no longer togther does NOT make it RIGHT. It's not."

Let me note here, I did NOT raise my voice. I did NOT use my normal sarcasm'. It was NOT easy!!! But I did stay calm.

Ws - so I guess we just see it differently

Bugs - Yes, we do. I still see the chance for a family, for a great life.

Ws- I TRIED,,, you make it sound like I didn't ever try

Bugs - I didn't say you didn't try at some point in time. What I AM saying is that there is a chance for us to fix this. To have a GREAT marriage,, and despite that YOU are choosing to walk away. It's your choice, but it's the WRONG choice"

He finally had to go,,,,, got the half as*ed hug again and he was walking out.

Bugs = I love you

Ws turns and touches the door with his hand as he walks away.

He sat in the drive for a few minutes and then pulled away.

I FEEL LIKE SUPERWOMAN - WITH MY MB PINK CAPE ON!

Am I crazy,,,, or was this a GREAT interaction???

I KNOW he's not coming home tomorrow.

I KNOW it's still a LONG road home.

But,,,,,,,,, I was trying to meet ENs,,,,,,,I TOLD my truth,,,,, I was calm cool and collected!!!!!

I feel GREAT!!

Ok,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,bring on the opinions. I DESPARETLUY need them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

EXCELLENT!

Thanks, Sis! That means a lot coming from somone who did such an excellent Plan A. I am VERY impressed with your Plan B as well. You are being so strong! Hang in there.

This morning, while I feel great about the interaction last night, I am wondering. Wondering -

HOW LONG TO PLAN A??????????

what is the criteria for WHEN is the right time to move to Plan B?

WHAT actions/circumstances make it the right time to make the move?

So, what next? Keep on the Plan A train for a while?

Guess that is the way to go. I just re-read my post from last night. I am questioning if I should have brought up anything about the R.

I am glad that I didn't let him see how much I was HURT by hs showing up and then "rejecting" me - but by setting up some R talk, I don't know that I accomplished much.

He is so firm in his "WE ARE ENDING THIS. I CHANGED. I AM DONE"

Does ANYTHING I do now really matter? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Is it REALLY possible that he could come back from that place?

He is convinced that he won't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He came for a "peek"?????

OMG that man will go nuts in Plan B.
If he has even the IDEA that you might find someone else he will go crazy....

The criteria is that you start losing respect and love for him. When interactions with him leave you feeling extremely unhappy. When you dread seeing him.
When your energy starts getting low. When you feel you have done everything you can to save your marriage.

These Plans are all about YOU, not him.

How long have you officially been in Plan A?

Lexxx,

Yes,,, a Peek,,,,,but REMEMBER,,,,,he was "even thinking he might see me with someone else" but he wouldn't be ANGRY OR JEALOUS! Yeah, OK, whatever!

Ok, good reminders on the switch over time.

I have been in Plan A since early January.

I think about Plan B MOSTLY because of what you said above. I DO think he will go nuts. It's not only the s*xual connection, but the DAILY interactions we have.

His need for Conversation and the Admiration I have been showing him. Just like the call yesterday,,, he HAD to fill me in on what happened with the friends.

Ws dropped off DD this afternoon. He brought in her stuff. Asked me to come outside to hear DD's new favorite song he had on in his car

I went out and listened. We laughed about it.

He was putting summer top on his jeep. The Jeep he bought since he left. I played with kids and helped out with the change. Nothing really special.

Although he did nit have all the right parts to fully connect the top. He left saying he was going to get missing parts but would be back for hard top if he could not find the parts somewhere

I got a full hug, which was nice. Although, to be honest, I had hoped he would take us ALL for a ride with the top down. DD really wanted to go, but he did not even notice or think about it

DD and I played outside and then went to clean out my car

We bar-b-qued outside. It was cute,, DD asking me if I knew how to BBQ! I think she was impressed with Mommy's ability to do something she had only seen Daddy do!

We had a GREAT afternoon. I put aside my thoughts of WS rushing over to OW's to go for a ride!

We are playing inside now. Hoping to get to bed early with the time change.

I think I will text WS later and see if he wants to come over later for a "peek"! I know he won't, but I am going to offer anyway. Just trying to be consistent.

So far, I am keeping enough positive to prevent need for Plan B. Although it is tempting to want him to have to SUFFER life without ANY Bugs in his life!

Lexxx- I am trying really hard to keep this Plan A about ME. It is hard sometimes, but today was a great day. I feel good. I look good. I am good.

Still, I miss H VERY much! H pray he will come back someday.

It is possible,,, isn't it?

It is not just possible -- it it EXTREMELY CERTAIN.

The real question is will you still want him?
You are allowed to quit, to give up, to go to Plan B.
You've done all the right things.

Plan A shows him that you are willing and able to be the spouse he needs.

Keep an eye on your "taker" cuz all this giving with no getting in return takes a big toll.

Start getting ready for Plan B, cuz it might hit you all at once.

Sent WS text message to come take a" peek" in 15 minutes thru bathroom window. Within 20, there he was.

He came in to let me know he could not see well

I joked that I was shy with him right there in the room, so he left

I followed outside. He refused my advances. I did not try as "hard" as last night.

He said "I can't. I don't want to confuse things"

Bugs-"I have never been less confused in my life"

WS -" no, I can't"

Bugs- 'Ok, it is your choice'

Bugs went back in. The 'show' went on for WS. He left, but I am not sure when.

Is he not wanting to 'cheat' on Ow all of a sudden?

Well, I will take what positive I can from this. I still hold a small amount of attraction with him or he would not have shown up at all. I really did not know if he would or not.

I also will try not to read too much into it either. He knows he could have his way with me, but chose (again) not to.

I will just 'keep the light house lamp burning bright' for now.

Geez,, I never thought I would do so much for someone who does so little for me in return.

What am I sayinf? He is doing Nothing in return! He is still wanting to divorce me!!

But, that is what PlanA is about, right? Giving with no expectation of receiving?


Actually, I am surprised I do not feel bad or down much at all.

I am making my choices,,, making it clear what I am willing to do, how I have changed, being calm, cool, and collected about it.

I am also allowing him to make his choices. Albeit I believe they are WRONG choices,,,, but they are his to make

Now that makes sense in writing,,,but not so much in my heart! My heart still hurts!

Here's a question about Exposure.

OW is not married. Do I expose to OW's parents? I have found their names, but no way to contact them yet. If I can find address, do I send letter?

Suggestions on what to say in such a letter???

Have you EXPOSED to her JOB?

It would be especially HELPFUL if her BOSS is a WOMAN...

I still regret that I didn't do that.

I have not been able to find out where she is working, as she just changed jobs.

She & WS were working together until 2 weeks ago. Both have now moved to other jobs.

Their former place of work is doing an "internal investigation" into the MANY allegations of se*ual misconduct that has been going on over there. Guess they got out just in time!

I have been exposing HERE at work,,,,,WS is BACK at the same company as I, but we are working in different offices. As I have stated before, this company has a significant rumor mill so it takes very little for word to get around.

I just remembered something from last night. WS called to tell DD goodnight.

I spoke w/him as well. Asked about what he and DSS did for the afternoon, told him what fun DD and I had.

I then told him how DD was disappointed and hurt that he did not take her for the first ride with the top off on the Jeep.

WS- No big deal, she will get to do that Wed. The weather will be great all week.

Bugs - yes, but she was really hurt that she didn't get to go TODAY. She really felt left out.

Silence from WS

Bugs- Well, I thought you should know how she is feeling.

His HUGE silence and impatient attitude with me after was interesting.

I told him the other night that he is NOT being a good DAD. Guess I am not supposed to share with him any NEGATIVE feelings the kids may be having???