Mimi,,,

Thanks Sooo much for sharing that about your OW. It is in my basic NATURE to try to take the highest level and not to STOOP to what others engage in.

I understand the part about wanting to BEAT her BUTT! Oh yea! But, as you say, it is best that she know LITTLE about me. She only knows what WS tells her and that is too much already!

I think that perhaps part of WS's anger is that I am NOT reacting in the way that he EXPECTED .

Old bugs would very likely have been at OW's house beating her butt long before now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Old Bugs would be yelling, accusing, acting out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It seems the stronger I hold on to my Plan, the more I remain calm and consistent,,,, the HARDER he is trying to push me into the 'old' ways.

However,,,,holding on to that is really starting to take it's toll on me. I am very close to Plan B. But, like so many others,,, I want to go out on something REALLY POSITIVE.

Your question on meeting his ENs is the same one I have!

What can I do to meet his needs before I go dark?

HOW do I do that under current conditions???
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

At this point, I question HOW to get back from where I left last interaction with WS??

I stated that he had a choice to make, He could choose to take OW to the lake or he could choose to take DD. I then just hung up the phone.

So,,,,,,,do I just pretend that everything is OK? Do I pretend that I don't expect him to be FURIOUS?

Need some suggestions here,,,,,,,,,,,,

Flirt.

I am sitting here,,,,, smiling,,,,REALLY laughing a REAL honest to goodness LAUGH for the first time in days!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Thank you Lexxxy!!

You know,,, That WOULD throw him off balance, wouldn't it?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I did send a cute email that had to do with kids earlier.

Ok,,, I won't see him tonight,,,, so need to think of a way to FLIRT either via email or over the phone.

I was SERIOUS about either inviting him over "TO TALK" or meeting him somewhere "TO TALK"..then you be IN CHARGE of the conversation....


Invite him in an UPBEAT kind of way...

"OK, we can "TALK"...wanna meet somewhere or do you want to come over here? I'll make sure kids aren't around so we can "TALK" in private"....

Act "as if" the previous conversation didn't even happen...

Did you get the VANILLA MUSK?

THINK: What does YOUR HUSBAND like? What ATTRACTED him TO YOU??? What makes YOU SPECIAL to HIM? This does not have to be anything sexual in particular but that's RELVEVANT, too...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

Ok,,, so I invite him over to talk and then WHAT? He'll be sitting there waiting to have this serious conversation?

I don't know if that's the way to go or not.

He's used to be quite the romantic,,, along with enjoying the sexual undertones. I've backed off on the good night text messages quite a bit. The last one just said, I had just woke up after dreaming of him.

I found an e-card - - shows some nics pics of legs,, tangled sheets, it is animated and says -
Every part of me longs to be touching you,
teasing you
tasting you,
right now
Every part of me longs for you
and will
until we are together again
miss you
love you

This is something he would have liked in the past,,,,,,,,,,,

He practically set that up!
He wants to "talk" to you!

So....perfectly legit to get the kids away and go somewhere!
Make it as datelike as possible.

Ignore all the lake/ow/paperwork/marriage stuff and talk about what you want to talk about. He's already shown how hesitant he is to bring things up....if you two are getting along, he won't want to go negative.

You've already nailed the reasons he brought OW up before -- I sense he "had" to but didn't want to -- he was very hesitant to do it, and didn't have a plan.

Poor guy is grasping at straws....he's practically begging you to have an affair. So he doesn't have to be the bad guy. So now he's just inventing one for you! HAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh yes,,,,, my IC was asking me how I liked this guy that I've never met!! Told her I'd let her know if I ever get the pleasure of being introduced to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I GET the idea he wants to TALK to me,,,,,but I FEAR what he wants to talk ABOUT. I just have a hard time envisioning him NOT bringing up all the "stuff",,,,

Lexx and I are definitely on the same page here...

WOW him...

Make it HARD for him to bring up the STUFF...

He can't make you talk about STUFF you don't want to talk about...

Send him the card FIRST...

Don't be available until AFTER he gets the card...

Have confidence in yourself, Bugs..

Believe in your PERSONAL POWER...

Bugs,

You can do it... I think what Mimi and Lexxy are saing is great in this situation.

Get your goddess gear on and really wow him

Still

Okay,,,,,,,,,,,

I sent the card! My message said, "Just a reminder,,,,,"

I should be notified when he picks up the card.

This just totally flies in the face of a typical GUT reaction and what I 'should' be doing after the last few days.


It's gotta have an impact,,,,, question is WHAT kind of impact. I am so nervous!

At what point does WS look at you and ask, "Are you nuts?"
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok - NO R talk. I don't HAVE to talk about anything if I don't want to.

Bugs is repeating this over and over to herself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Guess I need to practice the reverse babble OR think of ways to avoid engaging in R talk without LBs???!!

Meet somewhere to "talk".
Not at home -- OUT. Like a date.

Order food, drinks, chit-chat.
Don't bring anything up. Make him do the heavy work.

Have fun, flirt.

He says he wants to sit down and "talk"....so take advantage of that.
Say "well how about tonight at XXX at 7?"
Then just make it a date!

I'll give it a try,,,,,,I'm not so sure about it, but am willing to give it my BEST shot.

One thing he has stuck to, almost without fail, is not seeing me anywhere but home. The ONLY time we've gone anywhere together since he moved out (other than Christmas at my parents) was to DD's reading night at school.

He only did that night because DD asked him to,,, and he said yes before realizing we'd both be going.

He hasn't picked up my e-card yet....don't know if he's avoiding it or just not in the office.

What's that line from Steel Magnolia's

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"

I am going to be one STRONG lady if I make it through all of this!

Thanks for the continued advice and hand holding!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ws called - asked if I was home yet

I said no, not yet

Ws- well I did not know if you had plans

Bugs- Nothing that can not be changed, what's up

Ws- I have had the worst day yet at work. I am running late and IF you were home I wanted to let you know I am on the way,, in case you had them or wanted to pick them up. I am already "x" on the way.

Bugs -ok, no problem. So, what happened at work today?

I got the 20 minute version and gave all of the kuddos, atta boy, and anything I could think of to give admiration

During this he says he HAS to be at the office so early that he will need to bring kids to me at 5am

I offer to come get them later this evening to make it better for him and the kids

He agrees to bring them to me "at bedtime"

I maybe did a LB, as I asked what time is that?

Ws- Bedtime


Bugs -well at your house that is sometimes 10, at mine it's 8:30

Ws - at MY house dd bedtime is 8:30.how about I bring them over at 9

Bugs - that will be fine

He explained that next week will be unknown amount of long hours

I OFFERED to have DSS with me for dinner each night, after which I will take him home. FIL should be home by that time even if WS is not. This way it is more consistent for everyone

Ws said that would be fine and the he appreciated

He then pointed out the friends of 'ours' (really his as they are enabling his A), have offered to help pout with kids anytime. So if ever I have plans that can not be changed, they can help out

WS - 'but in Our SITUATION, I thinlk is best to come to you first and I would HOPE you would do the same. "

I said absolutely

Oh, yes, in the middle of the conversation he asks 'who is yelling'

I was in the middle of Walmart,,and said, 'just some kids'

WS- 'Whose kids'

Bugs -' I don't know"

WS- 'you don't know or you don't want to TELL me?'


Bugs - 'I am at the store,,,I have no idea whose kids they are"

Ws- oh

So,,,,, thoughts comments?

There went my self indulgent, wine drinking, bath taking night!

But will get my Godddess make up done and Look Good when he shows up tonight

Will be sure to bat my eyes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bugs,

Has he picked up your e-card yet.
Still

He will SOOOO HATE PLAN B...

He SOOOOO wishes that you, too, would ENABLE his A...make it EASIER for him...

Wave your wand..sprinkle your pixie dust...

Didn't I tell you that he will act as if yesterday didn't even happen?

CRAZY ALIENS.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Still - no he did not pick up the card yet

Mimi- you are right. He is going to be VERY upset about Plan B.

I am counting on you guys to keep me on Plan A until B is ready.

I am thinking just a couple more weeks.

Good morning.

Ws dropped off kids last night (late), but I didn't comment. Just told them to start getting ready for bed.

He asked to get some tshirts out of the bedroom. While he did that, I put some peanut butter chocolate eggs I'd bought for him at a special candy store in a bag.

He came out and was going downstairs to get a fryer for an event at work. I gave him the bag of candy and said "I bought these for you"

WS - "Oh,,, thanks. What did you put in them?" Laugh

Bugs - "Just an aphrodisiac"

Ws - Laughs

He sent downstairs,,,, I followed to see if he needed help. I stood on the stairs,,,, showing off my profile in my tight fitting shirt,,,,

He brought up about Easter Sunday, which is his weekend. Said, "I guess you'd like to have the kids that day?"

Bugs "Yes, if that's ok"

WS - "Sure. Do you want to just take them Sat night"

Bugs - "No, I thought I'd just pick them up Sun am."

WS - "Well, when will they get their Easter baskets? How about I bring them over here that morning and they can get their baskets?"

Bugs - "That would be great"

He then told me about some Easter Baskets he'd seen at Hallmark,,,,,and mentioned me going to look at them and if I liked them to pick them up for the kids. I said OK.

He left,,,

I sent TM later that said "If that aphrodisiac I put into the choclates kicks in,, call me!" I know he read it.

This am, DD tried to call but left vm. We knew he was going to be tied up.

He called back while I was dropping off DD. No message so I didn't call back. He did.

WS - I tried to call.

Bugs - We were already inside, sorry

I asked about how his morning was going,,,,we chatted.

I then asked about our insurance,,,,the agent had left a message. We talked about that, during which he says
"I can't find the title to MY boat" not THE boat or OUR boat, but MY boat.

I told him it should have been in the safe with all of the others. He mentioned how he got in there to get info for insurance,,,,and took out some that belonged to his Dad.

I told him I'd look for the title to THE boat so we know where it is.

WS - "No big deal. I'm not selling it NO MATTER WHAT. That boat and I will go down together to the bottom of the lake someday"

Bugs - "really"

What I wanted to say was,,,IS that a promise?? Can I help you with that timeline! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I didn't

He said he talked to DD last night and she was FINE with everything. That he'd explained how he and DSS's mom aren't together anymore, and that even if WE aren't together, we will always be a family,,,, we will do things together and get along.

He further told her that we would not be going to the lake all together,,,,I wouldn't be there. But that she would probably get to go more,,, sometimes with me and my family, sometimes with him and his FRIENDS.

He asked that since he is working such long hours if he could get the kids on Sat. I said fine. He goes on, "now if you have plans or are going out of town or something, I understand".

I told him I'd let him know if I had something planned.

So,,,,,,,,,while it pi**ed me off to hear the MY boat crap,,,it wasn't a bad conversation. Atleast I didn't have to hear more about OW.

Oh,,,I talked to a friend last night that mentioned that "via the grapevine", she'd heard that WS was not saying very nice things about me. She would not elaborate (guess she's not that good of a friend). but basically, that what WS is telling others, including OW, is not based on fact.

Well, I knew that, but it was TOUGH to hear. It makes me want to write an anonymous letter to OW and set her staright on some things,,,,,,,,,, like the fact that WS's wife DOES love him and DOES want him back and is NOT ok with this and that WS has cheated on HER with ME!!!

Sorry,,, just a fantasy of mine that it would make a difference.

Gotta TRY to focus on some work today.

So far, he hasn't picked up e-card. Maybe I need to ck to see it went to the right addres,,,,

Bugs;

That last topic you posted about was what I was alluding to earlier. That contact with the OW to set her straight on a few points is not all bad. What you have to be EXTREMELY cautious of is making it a ONE WAY street -- that you are dumping info on her that you want her to have -- BUT NOT absorbing any of her toxic crap. Because she would definitely try to throw crap your way (and most likely none of it would be true, all of it would be hurtful and its very hard to block it and not absorb it and react to it.)

Or bypass her and get to her parents!!!! EXPOSE

* * * * *

OK onto the "my" boat stuff. Its just one of those little things he's trying to do to. He's feeling safer in talking to you; so he's using every little opportunity to use "separate" talk. By doing this, he thinks he's softening the blow. That comment by comment he's getting you adjusted to the divorce.

I'm rather surprised that it was that little comment that got to you; instead of the whole "we'll all still be a family, we'll do things together, and we'll all still be happy" CRAP! That's what would have set me off (personally). And I think its an important fantasy for you to correct. A little preface to Plan B. He needs to understand that you are not going to be his "friend" later. He is thinking he's got the world full of cake!

Maybe Mimi has some good suggestions on how to give him a view of "plan b world" before you get there.

* * * * *

My take on him talking about "your plans" and "who's kids are those" blah blah blah.....
He is DESPERATE for you to start sharing some blame. He WANTS you to date. He wanted for those kids to be your boyfriends! He was hoping you had a date some night next week so that you could be equally at fault for the divorce, and that maybe that would signal that you were moving on and he could start feeling less guilty.

I also suspect that is the rumors he's trying to float around. I'd nip that one in the bud too. You deserve his respect and honesty. In all fairness, he should NOT be tarnishing your reputation. I'd put that one out there too. Maybe vaguely -- just say people are telling me what you've been saying. I'd like to ask that you show me respect and be truthful.

* * *

On him offering the kids to you for Easter: Bringing them over Saturday night....you saw right through that! Good job.

QUESTION - -

Would anyone please share what things helped them to "Keep the Faith" during the times when WS is working Soooo hard to make you "understand that it is OVER"?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am on that rollercoaster of believing in/fighting for my marriage ,,,,,,,,,,,,then sliding off the other side of the hill when WS makes it clear that he is finished & moved on already

There are times when I look at my sitch and think to myself, "Bugs,, just face it. He's finished with you. He's made it clear that he's never coming back. You should just be done with it all" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What things have helped anyone else?