You wrote this on March 25th. When you say you met your current spouse when you were still married are you saying that you had an affair with him or merely knew him as an aquaintance?

MEDC

I was in the process of D when we became acquainted.

I DID tell the OW that I still loved my H..

But I don't think this is the time.

Remember you want to GO OUT of PLAN A POSITIVE and contacting her may RILE him or bring him to HER DEFENSE...


AND I wouldn't tell her about SF with him...

I'm one that does not believe in telling THE ENEMY secrets...keep THE ENEMY in the dark about YOUR BATTLE PLANS and HOW and WHEN you will STRIKE...

YEP! That bothered me the most, too..especially since he told that "CRAP" to your daughter.

My H tried all kinds of approaches including the one that your WH is using..which is the I'M MR. NICE GUY..WE CAN ALL GET ALONG..AND BE FRIENDS SCENARIO...

I point blank told my H that if he left me for the OW, I would have "NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH HIM"..we would be "FINISHED".. I included this MANTRA in the PLAN B LETTER..

I made it CLEAR that it was a CHOICE that HE was making..if he wanted ME at all, there could NO HER...

So I was going into a LONGTERM PLAN B....

Thanks for the great feedback....

I am glad you both brought up the "we'll still be a family" thing. It wasn't that I missed it,,,,,but I wasn't sure at that moment a good way to respond without major LB.

I really really really wanted to go down a MAJOR LB road. You see he has "friends" that are so totally dysfunctional on this. They have all exposed their kids so SOOO much and think that it is all OK and normal. Of course, this is who WS spends his time with as it helps him with feeling GOOD about his A.

They support that it is all OK, and that if I don't go along with it then I am the BAD GUY.

I have told him before that we will NOT be friends. I've told him that us being separated or divorced is NOT what a FAMILY is. I need to be more clear about this - yet I can see him using anything I say as another "justification" for his bad behavior.

Mimi - - you said you put that in your Plan B letter. How did you communicate it during Plan A?

DD understands that this isn't going to be the SAME as being a FAMILY. When we talk about it, we talk that we want us ALL to be a FAMILY again. It breaks my heart every time!


Lexxx - - - You said



EXACTLY!! That's how it feels. He is trying to "adjust" me to the D and I am sure he thinks in exactly those terms.



I am hesitant to go with the VAGUE rumor thing. This has been such an issue for us. However, I have been talking a lot more to many people we have in common to be sure MY truth is out there.

The response I have heard from EVERYONE is that WS is the one that is tarnishing HIS reputation, instead of accomlishing a negative impact on mine.

i was EXTREMELY proud of myself that I caught on to the Saturday night thing, too!! You trained me well on that one!

BTW - - I didn't think the E-card went thru yesterday, as I never got a copy in my In Box,,,, So I sent it again today.

WS just picked it up about 20 minutes ago!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Bugs,

How you doing?

Did WH mention anything about the e-card? If he like mine he won't even acknowledge it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I also told my WH that I can't be friends... who want friends that would do what they have done to us. I only want him as a friend if he becomes truley remorseful....and that's only if MOW is out of the picture.

Still

This is great advice. It's exactly the opposite of what I did. I not only told the OW that I still wanted my husband and asked her to back off so we could try and heal (which she agreed - LIAR!) I also called her and told her EVERYTIME after me and WH had SF. It was my revenge because after the first time I told her, she told my WH... "anyone but your WIFE". She also told him that she would "cut his ba**s off if she found out he did it again (this from a Junior League high society woman). I took great pleasure in rattling her cage but it really hurt me worse than it helped.

Still - heck, no WS would Never acknowledge my efforts these days. Remember,,,,I am the one who has never loved or appreciated him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do not expect acknowledgment. I think I would pass out if he even told me to stop! Atleast I would know he gets some of this stuff!

Oh Meggy! Girl you did what I would love to do
Thanks for sharing and giving such sage advise
I WILL send a letter to her,,,at Plan B.
Til then, I know you and Mimi are right. It will not do any good

Ws called. We did our usual work discussion. He talked to the kids and hung up
It is a HO night tonight
So, about 10 minutes ago I sent text message
"Kids and I sending you good night kisses"
Let them sleep on that! I know it will not matter, but I feel good!

I had to go to FIL house to get DSS some clothes. We talked and I told him about "lake" issue. He is on board(no pun intended) with WS being WAY out of line on that
He told me he had heard WS on the phone with a friend talking about lake trip and that he would have 4 in his group. He wondered about the 4!

So,,, am going to try to sleep and not eat the entire cupboard during the night!

Another day has dawned,,,,,,am not sure if I'm glad for the weekend or not?

DD called ws this am,,,,,talked to him for just a sec and passed me the phone saying he didn't want to talk.

I got on and WS said he was tied up and he'd have to talk to DD later. I said, Ok, bye.

WS called back like 2 minutes later, but we were jamming to the tunes and didn't hear the phone. I noticed it lit up with a message and saw that he called.

I ck'd message and he was Pi**ed. "I was tied up for like 2 minutes!!! IF you haven't dropped her off,, call me back."

I had her call right away. They chatted. I got on.

I told him, "Hey, you sounded mad. We just didn't hear the phone ring, it wasn't that I didn't answer your call on purpose"

WS - "well, your TONE earlier told me you were mad because I was tied up?

Bugs - "Nope,,,, you got the tone thing wrong. I understand that you are busy,,,it happens. I figured you had to go and the sooner you go get things taken care of, the sooner you can call back. No tone intended"

NOW I know I shouldn't have used the word WRONG,,,,but sometimes it's just so HARD when he Assigns thoughts and feelings to me. He's re-written SOOO much,,,,, or uses my way of reacting in the PAST to define my Current actions.

I realize this part of DEMONSTRATING my changes,,,, SHOWING in my ACTIONS that I have Changed. It's just hard sometimes.

Throught this whole thing,,, no matter how hurt, rejected, sad, mad or anything else, I have not ONE time played any kind of game when it comes to him seeing or talking to the kids. Not ONCE. I makes me mad when he tries to insinuate that I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So,,, I was very nice,,,,, chatted about the day. He said he didn't know what would be happening,,,, he was hoping to go out for drinks with X friend tonight.

What's the purpose in telling me that? Guess I'm supposed to believe he's not going to be with the HO tonight???

I was especially proud of my TM last night! I don't know why sending that gave me such a boost??!!

I wonder if he will miss getting those nightly messages from me when I go to Plan B?

Funny,,,, I know he read it right after I sent it. Wonder if he showed the HO?! Who cares??

I am trying to focus on something good. I got out some summer clothes. The skirt I am wearing was too small in the fall,,,,, and it's just another pound or 2 from almost being too big! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WS asked to take kids for a while on Sat,,as he has been working so late. I told him that would be fine. I think I'll be up making a nice breakfast when he gets there,,, bacon & pancakes- his favorite.

Trying to come up with some good Plan A actions as Plan B is drawing ever more near.

TEE-HEE..just wait until PLAN B when you do this on purpose..and what about when he is with his HO and is not available AT ALL...and what about how he ABANDONED his family altogether.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



As I recall, my H did this type of PROJECTION after a time with her..trying to JUSTIFY the A to himself is what he is doing BUGS..it's ABOUT HIM.. and he's trying to make it ABOUT YOU...this is part of HIS GAME PLAN....

What about "THE TALK"???

Mimi,,,,

Yes, from what I can tell, Most of his actions & words these days are ALL about ways for him to Justify the A.

Do you think that WS really thinks in terms of having an actual GAME PLAN? Do they have it that well thought out OR is it gut reaction OR it is mostly from coaching of the HO and the friends??

A good co-worker/friend just told me that he stated to her that I am seeing someone. He knows that the 2 of us talk,,, so it was also a question to see what she would say in return. She made it clear to him that I am NOT seeing anyone.

Now that I have it confirmed he's told atleast 2 people, I am going to Repsectfully tell him he has to STOP spreading that LIE.

I've considered reaching out to a couple of his "friends" with just an FYI,,,,that contrary to recent reports, I am not seeing anyone else and still want my H back. I just don't know if that is a good idea or not.

I called WS,,, left a vm saying that I'd heard about someone leaving the company,,,,and wondered if he was sad.

He called me back,,, VERY upbeat and ahappy. We chatted for just a minute and laughed about it.

Re - "The TALK" - - There hasn't been an opening for this with last night being his HO night,,,, and really this weekend being his HO weekend as well. He is supposed to get kids tomorrow for a while so I might have an opportunity to ask for us to get together tomorrow night and have FIL watch kids.

I'm still really nervous about that,,,,,,

Not really a PLAN like ours, I think. They are like CON ARTISTS..doing whatever they can think of at the MOMENT to justify their DRUG USE...



I say ACT..DON'T REACT..don't let him have the POWER to bother you...you know that you are not seeing anybody..telling him to stop spreading a lie will not keep him from doing it..you only have POWER over yourself...



Stay away from HIS FRIENDS...they may be part of the rumor mill..sad to say, wanting you for themselves..it was so hard for me to believe this about my H's SO-CALLED FRIENDS...



What are you "NERVOUS" about? What does it matter if it is the HO night or HO weekend? YOU ARE A GODDESS!!! SHE IS TRASH!!!

Mimi,


Yes, it feels like I am dealing with a CON MAN at times. That he is flying by the seat of his pants a lot,,,,yet I can also see when he has recently been "coached".

It's like so many here have said,,,, you can really SEE the difference in them after they have just gotten HIGH off spending time with the OP.



Ahhhh,,,,,, Thanks for the reminder on this! I was getting off track, wasn't I?

I know the "friends" thing is a tough one for me, personally. These are people who KNOW me,,, have for YEARS,,, who I have spent family vacation time with,,, who I have entrusted at times with the care of my DD! How can they not see that this is SO WRONG? How can they accept OW as if I have never existed?? It just hurts.



I love how you can make me LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GODDESS I AM!

Nervous,,,,,because of the fear of him only wanting to talk about leaving,,,moving on,,,him wanting to give MY life and family to another woman!

I doubt my ability not to let him drag me into that conversation. I fear seeing his rejection and not holding onto my GODDESS status when it can mean the most.

This week has been a supreme struggle for me,,, for lots of reasons. I have let the self doubt creep back in far too much. I know I've gotten SO much better at handling the small, brief interactions. I just worry about carrying it off for a longer amount of time.

Does that make any kid of sense?

I am writing this thinking to myself,,,,,, I have CHANGED. The changes are Permanent and for real. All you have to do is SHOW him. Be YOURSELF. I KNOW all of these things,,,,,,,,,,,,,but I am still afraid.

HOWEVER,,,, I just got back from running some errands. While out, I heard a radio program in which a couple called in with a follow up a year after their first call to this show.

The H had called in, looking for marital and spiritual guidance. His W was a WW,,,, SHE never listens to talk radio, but Just Happened to turn on the radio and heard her H on the air. SHE called in when she heard him. They both got help,, healing,, blessings,,, and,,,

They are in FULL recovery, celebrating their 7th anniversary.

It was SO GREAT to hear another story of RECOVERY,,,,and from another source besides MB!

It was a great reminder to me to Let Go and Let God in this situation,,,, as well as to continue to lean on and Trust in HIM.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I just realized something!

Note - this may be TMI for some folks,,,am not wanting offend anyone.

I came home early (I was accomplishing NOTHING at work anyway), and am going to take the kids to a movie tonight and want to get to the early show.

I was putting away the iron and something hit me (not literally thank goodness)

Last weekend, I went and stayed with my Mom. WS did not know that is where I was.

When I came home Sunday,,,a bunch of stuff of outside the bathroom closet. It was strange,,, obviously WS was in there looking for something, but for the life of me, I could not think of what.

He was looking for my b.o.b.! He knew that I have kept it in there. I bought this as a way to get WS interested in our SF again,,,,, which worked for quite a while.

It wasn't there,,,,, it wasn't ANYWHERE in the house. I had a feeling he would be snooping while I was gone,,, so I took it with me.

THAT is why he is SO SURE that I am seeing someone else! I can SO TOTALLY see his mind working that way.

Now,,, I'm sorry I did that, as I think that it may have backfired on me. I didn't really expect a reaction in my favor,,,but I didn't think he'd use it as a way to further justify HIS A!!

I would not normally give out so much info,, but as it directly pertains to WS's thinking/justifying, I chose to share.

I'm certainly no prude in the SF dept but for the life of me I can't figure out what B.O.B. is.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I didn't know either, but I had an idea from context that it was a vibrator ... so I googled and found that it stands for "battery operated boyfriend" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, Mimi. I should have put that definition on my post.

Fiat- I LOL when I read that you Googled it!!

I took kids to a movie. I did not call WS to let him know and he did not call until we were in the movie
He left kind of a p*ssed off message

We called as soon as we left
I got the 3rd degree --was this a last minute thing, he wanted to know?!

Said he left work late, went for 1 beer and was on his way home

I asked why so early? Not in the mood?

He said he was tired


I bit down hard on my tongue-and commented that he did have a long hard week at work

I WANTED to say that keeping HO happy sure takes a lot of energy!

Instead, I used my very sweet, caring voice

He is coming over in the am to have kids for a while

We got home and sent him a text about the movie we are watching,, it is one of his favorites

Hope everyone got a little education from me today on what a B.O.B is!

Do All WS think that All BS have a huge tattoo on their foreheads that says -


******************STUPID***************

WS calls,,, says he is on his way home because he had to go to work this morning. Then he show up here OBVIOUSLY wearing the SAME clothes as yesterday!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Like I am so STUPID that I can't figure out he just came from spending the night with the HO???????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!

Ok,,,, that felt good! Sorry to rant but Darn it! It makes me MAD and it HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Then while picking up the kids, he tells me, "I wanted to talk to you because you'll have to deal with it more,,,,I want to get DD6 a puppy for Easter"

Bugs - "I'm not ready right now to deal with that"

WS is PISSED because I said no. But, the truth is I plan to get her one when we MOVE.

He kept pushing it,,,, that NOW is the right time for her.

I agree,,,,, the entire time, I"m cherry, nice, smiling, helping kids get ready, doing my thing,,,,,,,

I told him I want time to research what kind of puppy we should get and put together a plan for training it. Easter is too soon to get that done.

He is STILL MAD. TOO BAD! If he wants to get her a puppy, then he can keep it at HIS house and train it.

What made me the MOST upset,,,, and I just didn't know what to say at the time, but he says
"Well, nothing is going to change in your life now or a year from now" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If I HAD said something,,,,it was going to be a LB. I wanted to say, "Really? And you know this how?? I didn't think 4 months ago my life would be where it is today?? So how do YOU know where MY life is going to be in a year?"

GGRRRRR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

However, the GODDESS was in her sexy night gown, showing off her 'greatest assets', fun music playing loud in the other room, makeup done,,, smelling good,hair done and tossled just so,,,,,,,,,,,, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The GODDESS did NOT lose her cool. He knows he is mad,, but can not PIN anything on me to justify that other than I said NOT RIGHT NOW to the puppy.

I am SURE that will be used as an example of how DIFFICULT I am being in this whole thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Then,,, I'm on here trying to post and lose my internet connection. The phone rings,,, it's WS.

WS - "What the HE77?"

Bugs -"What do you mean what the HE77?"

WS - "I've been calling and calling"

Bugs - "I was on the computer"

WS- "OH,,,(a little deflated because YET again, he can not justify being mad,,, can't put on me that I'm not taking his calls,,,can't confirm that I am being mean in some way)

WS - "What size shirts does DSS wear now?"

So,, we have a talk about shirts, Bugs throws in a reference to a family member,,, we share a laugh/joke. Bugs is Miss Cherry,,, the GODDESS acting untouched by WS BullShite!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

And,,,,, coming here to VENT!!!!

So,,,, other BS,,, do you proudly display your forehead tattoo or am I the only one????????

NOTHING AT ALL STUPID ABOUT YOU, BUGS!!

You have got him just where you want him...

His mind is SOOO messed up...

You are not falling for his manipulations...

You are HOLDING YOUR LOFTY GROUND with all your ASSETS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

Send him a TM:

"I just want my B.O.B. back..... Any suggestions on delivery?"

About the puppy?

"It's a terrific idea. You sort of came out of the blue with it, but DD will love it.

Sure she can have one. But it ain't staying here."

And leave it on him.