Of course, this SISTER GODDESS is quite knowledgeable about such things..I just down right call it what it is without the cute name or abbreviation.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Plus, PERSONAL USE is DEFINITELY APPROPRIATE!! HE MUST BE CLUELESS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Bugs,

I think I need to go looking for my B.O.B.... I know it's somewhere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Just stopping to say hey ya.

Still

LG --
He didn't take her BOB, he was just looking for it.
She had it with her.
So that message wouldn't make any sense....
But maybe something else in reference to it???

Bugs;
I think you need to start clearing the fog he has about you. He has so much faulty thinking -- that you'll be friends. That you'll do things together as a family. And now that your life will stay the same.

Believe me, he will FREAK if reality of you dating comes about.

He needs a Plan B preview!!!!

Bugs:

I agree with Lexxy.

Time to let him know a few things.

1. He made a choice
2. That choice may result in him losing you forever.
3. Although that choice was made, others can be made to correct those choices.
4. That friendship isn't in the cards for you/him.
5. Consultation regarding the kids is all he will get.
6. Bugs will date again
7. Bugs may remarry and that new H will be raising his kids.
8. Child visitation will be strictly followed. No backsliding on WH part.

Not all at once, but at the appropriate times.

Your in Plan A now. So keep the heat on. No LB's. Meet his convo need, and SF need if you are properly protected.

He comes across with fogspeak, smile, state your truth, and then change the subject. New Bugs, not old Bugs.

And still send an email about the B.O.B.

Even if you did have it at your MOTHERS! You vixen you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

God bless you all!


Mimi - I believe we are alike in we usually call a spade a spade,,, but in these "matters" on a forum, I felt it best to be a bit more vague,, I had no dobut about your Godddess knowledge or experience. In fact, I BOW to your superior Goddess status! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lexxx and LG-

I agree, WS has some waking up to do. I have hesitation on HOW to give him the 'preview' during Plan A

He is going to interpret any such activity as "expected old Bugs" behavior even though it is not.

He was to bring kids back at 3, I called at 3:45 and he said he was getting them"rounded up" in the car

He did not apologize for the time or for not caLling (so yes, he expects Bugs to be here waiting)


DD told me how she laid down with daddy,, he slep the whole time they were there.

He Came by. I asked him to help hook up new Dvd recorder/player. He spent 5 minutes and then aksed of he could work on it tomorrow. He has to get behind the entertainment ctr and reconnect stuff
He made a cooment about why didn't I biut a Sony- all of our other components are Sony. But that he knew Walmart did not sell Sony
I informed him that I got it at BestBuy.
I said thanks, tomrrow would be fine if he could help out

He was going out the door, talking about how strong DSS is now. I rubbed his back and I thought he was going to jump out of his skin!

He joked "well I am going out to get drunk"
I said "oh really?"

He ignored it and left

Kids and I went to dinner out and shopping. WS did not even call to say goodnight to kids.

DD called and left a meesgae an hour ago. No return call THAT is so WRONG.


So,,, the Vixen is thinking of sending a TM to WS,,, but have to formulate something ,,, open for suggestions??

LG-- the Vixen comment gave me the biggest smile. Almost as big as the smile I get from my visits with BOB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

B.O.B.
YA'LL NASTY!!

I have a H.O.G.

Hand Operated Girlfriend (never needs batteries)

and it's Saturday Night!!

Party On!!

Bugs:

I would leave the house after waiting 15 minutes after the expected time.

LEave a note, taped to the dorr, that you had to go. Since you hadn't heard from him, you just thought he wanted to spend more time with the kids.

And hes waiting at the house for YOU, then.

And he might be ANGRY. But what did you do wrong?

And then, always be on time for drop offs to him. But leave if he doesn't show at the proper time.

Go someplace else. Park/Mall/store/neighbors

Have him wait some more.

He will get the message.

Some of this is not Plan A. But it starts to highlight the choices he is making.

And a taste of what the future holds.

As for the B.O.B.:

I have a few responses for you:

TM: My, you can't find anything anymore... I had it in (name of room he would never expect) because that the last place I used it ... (this is the vixen response)

or:

BestBuy had a special on the eight pack of batteries, but it still isn't you... (The plan A response)

However:

I bought this as a way to get WS interested in our SF again,,,,, which worked for quite a while.

I wanted a little more context for this, if possible.

I went back to the beginning of the the thread and read a little for refreshers.

This was your second marriage. You stated that the SF had hit some doldrums. Not long after the birth of DD, I presume. But I presume that the B.O.B was bought about this time? Or later?

And it added spark to the SF? Yours and His? His? or yours?

How was SF previously? A huge rush? Skilled? or something to get thru?

Why?

Because, as you can imagine, the SF in my R went downhill after the birth of my son. And later, during the A, the SF was really suffering. But DW still enjoyed, and just did not "attend" but "participated". Frequency suffered the most and LG turned to self in many respects before the A.

Now? OMG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Do you feel that SF was one of WH Top needs? However, he just wasn't very good with you? And then the B.O.B. sort of let you catch up?

I'm trying to be polite here.... I do not want the B.O.B. to become a LBer.

So, review the above in context. And make sure that the true nature of the SF was ?????

LG-


I will try to make this brief.

SF became less after birth of DD.

Then I spent Too much time focused on DD and WS did not spend enough.

Resentment built on both sides


I wasn't as adventurous as WS wanted and it was not frequent enough. I held resentment because I was not getting my need for Affection or domestic support or financial security met.

We had agreed that I would be able to quit work until DD went to school, but I never happened. Instead WS bought toys and trucks and always sai 'you wouldn't be happy staying home'

I did communicate my needs and he did not meet them. In return, I stopped meeting his.

I am sorry to say that is the case, but it is. I did not really understand or take responsibility for my part until IC and MB

As for how I came to have BOB in my life?

Yrs ago a very good friend was going thru a bad breakup, so I told her to go get herself a BOB. She did.

Last year it comes out that she always thought I had one,too---but I never did

Soooo, as I was spending my birthday in Jan without my H, I bought BOB as a gift for myself.

I bought him on my way to a party me friends were having for me and told them what I had done. It was THE topic of the evening!:). I had not laughed that hard since before WS left me.

I knew it would 'interest' WS, which it did - for a while. Let's just say it was a nice teaser to spark the flame. It also helped to show some of my 'changes'

However - there has been no SF of any kind in about 3 weeks. He is firm in is commitment OW. He told me that there was no LOVE in our recent SF,,,,it was JUST s*x for him


I did send tm last night - "BOB is nice, but he just isn't you! How about it?"

Of course, no reponse. As I said, not for the last 3 weeks

I suggest backing off from the more DIRECT approach...

At this point, I suggest making yourself ALLURING and AVAILABLE...

Let him make the FIRST STEP now ..if any...

That's why I've been encouraging "THE TALK"...

He already KNOWS that you are available now...

Let him be THE AGGRESSOR...

In regards to the PRE PLAN B INFO, I would make my POINTS any time that my WH would bring up SUCH CONVERSATION...when he was trying to make his POINTS about "Let's be NICE..and FRIENDLY"...I even called him over for a CONVERSATION AT OUR KITCHEN TABLE...me being IN CHARGE...when I made it clear that he was "FREE" to go until he wanted "ME"..until then, I didn't want "HIM"..I put together "MY SPEECH" from reading the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH...

Mimi-

I can picture you at the kitchen table IN CHARGE!

I had been toying around with this upcoming week being the time to withdraw.

WS has said he will be working late every night. I volunteered to have DSS each night for dinner and then I will take him to FIL's house after

This is much better for MY schedule and is more consistent. I won't be left waiting and wondering when WS will be pciking up DSS.

AND

There is then NO reason for WS to be at the house! In fact, we probably will not see each other.

He will still have to pick the kids up on HIS night - that will be the exception. I am not giving up my night.

I am also going to be responding to those opportunities to make clear we will not be friends

Think I will run by. The bookstore for that book!


FIL came by and made sure my mower is working. WS was not home again last night. No surprise there

He left a messgae while we were outside saying he was going to see his Mom - she has been released from the hospital and then he will be by to get DSS

AGAIN - it is what fits HIS schedule. I planned on mowing grass,otherwise we would be gone this afternoon!

I am going to give the text msgs a rest for a couple of days,,,then may keep them on the more funny/joking side

So,,,, available, but not sitting waiting or subject to HIS schedule

Good plan. Less joking though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is still a stubborn WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

And I was looking very PRETTY!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think even STOPPING the text messages might be a good idea.

Let him call you.

ANSWER his calls NOW 'cause soon you WILL NOT....

Bugs,

Checking in on you today.

Now I'm giving advice that I find hard doing....almost like the chubby MD telling his patient to lose weight.

Try not to think about what he's doing. I know the weekends are tough. Believe me I 'm still trying. I mean Ho wasn't home last night so I figured it was ho night. Although when I went to Mass this morning she was home.

So take it from someone struggling with the same thing ask FIL not to give you that info because it hurts too much

(((Bugs)))

Still

So Ms. Goddess;

How was the weekend?

Good morning everyone!!

Morning!

So,,,,yesterday afternoon Bugs mowed the grass,,,, couldn't do it all because parts of the yard a low and still too wet from recent rain. Spent some time talking to FIL,,,,, who tells me "Babe, you can't wait on him forever". That felt Good & Bad all at the same time.

FIL also told me that WS thinks I"m "seeing" my XH. I set him straight on that one. I haven't talked to XH in YEARS,,,,and that through friends, I know XH is happily married with 3 kids. NO WAY I would EVER be seeing him for any reason!!

I played outside with the kids. Sat on the deck and read a book for a while. I went in for a bathroom break and found toilet was stopped up. The plunger that I'd kept in the closet was mysteriously GONE.

So,,, even though I expected WS at any time, we jumped in the car and went to the store to buy a plunger.

Guess who was just walking into the house when we pulled into the driveway?! Yep -WS. He didn't have to WAIT for us, but we weren't sitting waiting on him either.

First thing he says to me is "Where did you get that shirt?"

I had on my tight fitting purple Prince Concert t-shirt that I haven't been able to ever wear because it was too small.

Bugs "I've had this for years. Remember, WE bought it when WE went to his concert?"

Ws - "oh"

He asked if I'd used the riding lawn mower. Told him, yes. His Dad had come by and checked it over for me. That FIL ran the weed eater, DSS did the small push mower parts, and I used the rider for the rest.


WS - "I TOLD you that I'd take care of mowing the grass"

Bugs "I know, but since Dad came by and checked it all out, we just went ahead and did it. You have told me how busy your week is this week,,,,,so I know you weren't going to have any time and it was getting out of control with all of the rain we've had"

WS - "Well, I"m going to go cut that back part. "

Bus - "Thanks, I appreciate that,, but it really is too wet down there yet."

He then went in to the living room to start working on hooking up my DVD player. I did a few things around while he looked it all over,,, the pitched in to help figure out what wires were which.

He got it working. When the setup screens came on, he passed me the remote. I looked at the screen and said, "I have no idea what that means"

He took it back and ran thru a couple part of the setup and gave remote back to me. I set it down,,, as if I'd take care of it later. He picked it back up and finsihed the setup for me. He put in DVD and made sure it was working. We chatted about the preview movies on the dvd.

He was sitting on the couch,,,,and DSS sat/lay next to him. I sat across from him. When he turned off DVD, I found the end of a movie on satellite (one that we all really like). He sat there and watched with us. He almost fell asleep, but caught himself.



Then,, left. Lots of love and hugs for DD. Made sure he turned away from me (I was standing close,,just in case I might get something!).

He called to say goodnight to DD,,,but she was already asleep. He and DSS had gone to Hooters to watch opening day baseball and were on their way home. Chatted for a few minutes.

He called to talk to DD this am. We were walking out the door, so called back when we got in the car. He was sounded VERY DOWN. I commented,,, he just said even though he'd gone to bed at a decent time,, he was just EXHAUSTED. While I was nice, cheery, I didn't go on as usual about how he needs to be taking better care of himself. I just said, oh, I"m sorry you are so tired.

He wasn't talkative, so rather than waiting for him to get off the phone,, I gave a happy, "well, I'll talk to you later today. Have a good one! Bye"

So,,,,,,,I think the PARTY life is catching up with him a little. Poor Baby!

Mimi- - - No text messages. I had almost decided and then saw your post saying the same.

I am going to take his calls,,,,,until Plan B,,, However, I am not WAITING on his calls anymore. AND, I don't take them at at time that is inconvenient for me. If I don't take the call, I DO call back when I can talk.

I will be calling him this afternoon,,,, rather than WAITING on him. I will be TELLING him (nicely) what will happen this evening with kid schedule.

I am wanting to use this week as a time to do more PRO active things like that. I need to do LESS waiting ,,,, LESS reacting. One GOOD part of OLD BUGS was that I know how to TAKE CHARGE. I am just figuring out how to do that,,,,without it being negative or LB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am also making the promise to myself to do LESS thinking about what WS and HO are up to. I am having a HARD time getting the mental picture of HER on MY FAMILY's boat taking MY VACATION Memorial Day weekend. So,,, it has become a GOAL to put that away for the week,,, along with all of those other pictures that make me ILL.

I will be filling my head with Happy Mental Pictures of ME, MY KIDS,,,,,,,,

Bugs,

You're doing a great job. Keep it up and he's not going to know what hit him when you go into planB.

Still

Great interactions Bug!

Way to meet those family support needs! You letting him take care of you actually meets his needs.

Those physical things you're noticing? Not lifestyle -- STRESS. Stress manifests itself in physical appearance.

I sense that you are considering Plan B somewhat soon.
I would strongly suggest one more exposure before you get there -- OW's parents. Any luck yet? Are you working on it?

Have you made some new plans for Memorial weekend? Maybe a little "girly" trip for you and DD? Something to look forward to -- and keep your mind off WH.

I think Mimi's suggestion to stop pursuing him, and let him start pursuing you is great. Very subtle change, but one you will notice. He won't realize he's doing it, but you will understand it perfectly! He still needs you, he needs contact with you, he needs you to meet needs OW can't.
So when you stop contacting him -- he will up his contacts to you.

Lexxy,

I have been trying to find OW parents,,,,still no luck. I've found similiar family names, but not sure if they are relation or not. I've even tried looking for siblings with no success. Haven't given up yet.

Plan B will be coming soon. I started getting some financial information together this weekend. We don't have a formal agreement at this time, so I have to prepare for putting that in place.

Memorial weekend we will be with my family - - most likely with siblings at the lake where they go. Sis has a boat, bro has a boat, and they have a lot at a Lake. If it's too cold for actual swimming/skiing, we'll still go there and have a party. Maybe even camp out. DD would LOVE that.

Thanks for the advise on letting him pursue. That's the theme of the week - - Doing my thing,, taking care of stuff on my schedule,,, letting WS come to me.

HOPE to see you proven right in him keeping up the contacts! You know how us BS's worry about that,,,pulling back and getting nothing. SO,,,am reminding myself of NO EXPECTATIONS. Focus on me & kids. Give Positive interaction when the opportunities come along! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ws just sent me an email - - - In response to my telling him to put together what he "wanted" in the division of our LIFE.

He just has a Word document with a column for BUGS and a column for WS listing what each of us will get.

I just want to die. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What a COWARD - - he couldn't even TELL me he was sending this or give it to me FACE to FACE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I KNOW that Ho helped him work on this and got him to send to me today.

So,,,, I am of the mind to IGNORE the whole thing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />