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Its just stuff.
And it is BY FAR the easiest task on the list. So he's just going through the motions so that he can report into the HO that he's getting it done.
Has he addressed custody? nope....and that's going to be tough.
Has he addressed child support? nope, cuz he's a coward.
Has he addressed equity? nope, cuz he's not facing reality.
Has he done a budget? nope, cuz he doesn't want to face any of the above.
Write him a brief e-mail back and tell him your attorney handles divorce matters and not to contact you about this.
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Lexxxy, Great points! I have been sitting here telling myself all of those things,,,,,,,,,,but it's still HARD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It still HURTS and it still makes me VERY sad. I think that I'm going to not respond to his email for now. I haven't told him I even HAVE an attorney. In fact, I have as of yet to send her my retainer. Guess I'll get that done this afternoon! I want to be able to LOOK him in the FACE when I deliver that bit of news. You all have been telling me it's time for him to get a dose of Reality - - well hearing that I've chosen to get an attorney is really going to SET HIM OFF. I don't want to deal with the ANGER and the wrath,,,,, and the potential of him getting really ugly,,, BUT I know I have to do it!! I was hoping to get thru this week without having to deal with any of this crap,,,,,I wanted to get thru Easter. He still thinks we are going to WORK THIS OUT and BE FRIENDS!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Look Bugs.....
He hasn't DONE anything. He hasn't filed. He hasn't dealt with reality whatsoever! He did the smallest thing he could do.
He threw a list at you to see if he can get you on board.
Its still all about manipulating you into a "friendly" divorce.
Absolutely IGNORE his e-mail. Do not bring it up. He will have to screw up all the courage he has just to ask you about it. It will be almost COMICAL to watch. Or he'll toss it out there like "did you get my e-mail?..."
THEN REFER TO THE ONE BEFORE IT!!!! Play dumb....Make him say the words! Or change the topic....or "oh I have to run, can we talk later?" hehehehe
Make him say it to your face -- then you get to come back with your attorney talk!
Ahem girl....Clear up your fog. His anger? His wrath? Who gives a ****????? Really. Does HE have a bigger right to anger than YOU????? C'mon girl! He has nothing to stand on there.
I'm not saying he won't get angry....what I am saying is if he does get angry its just a ploy to get you to cooperate. Using anger as a manipulation tool. And you won't fall for it.....riiiiight??
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Ahh! Where does the Goddess disappear to when these things happen?? Ahem girl....Clear up your fog. His anger? His wrath? Who gives a ****????? Really. Does HE have a bigger right to anger than YOU????? C'mon girl! He has nothing to stand on there. Wow - -not really a 2x4, but a good WAKE up call on the 'right to be angry'! DUH I say as I slap myself on the forehead. I SEE it so clearly when I read your post above! I really do! But before that, yes, I let myself get lost in the FOG. I'm letting him push my buttons,,,, feeling like I HAVE to DO something. I have GOT to get myself back into Goddess mode - AND back into doing a better job at work! I haven't been my usual diligent self,,, letting all this crap overcrowd my brain. I had my work day planned and I ALLOWED his list to just throw me way off course into another wasted day. Pep talk to self - - NO MORE! Who can I control? ME and ONLY ME. He can only throw me off course if I ALLOW him to do it. I just sent a quick email to him - - "Just a reminder, DSS will eat dinner with me & DD. I'll take him to your Dad's house after. I have planned on this for tonight, Tues and Thursday of this week" I refuse to say "your house". I also wanted to remind him WED is HIS night as is FRI for his weekend. My Sis just sent me an email - noting it would be a good idea to take pics/video of everything in the house. She said "it's good to have for insurance purposes - Regular insurance I mean,, not husband gone crazy insurance purposes" I emailed back and asked "Do they sell Husband Gone Crazy Insurance? If so, where do I sign up? I may not be eligible, as I already need to file a claim!":)
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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WS just responded to my email
"Thanks I do appreciate it, if the rest of the week is anything like today I will need all the help I can get. On Thursday do you plan to keep DSS over night? "
Now he KNOWS that Thursday is MY regular night. I guess he got confused with my message that I had planned to have him for dinner that night, too.
Mr Nice,,,,,,,,,,because he NEEDS me.
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Just found out that WS took step son out last night to Hooter with OW and her son!!!!!
She is "friend" from his old work!
What. Dumb A*s selfish SOB!
And as he is my Stepson,,,Ws believes I have no say so in this.
I just want to scream and cry!!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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(((Bugs)))
Sorry about WH taking DSS out with the HO. Did DSS mention this to you?
Have you exposed to DSS mom? Or is she out of the picture.
Relax and breathe through the hurt (hey maybe Lamaze breathing might help)
And get back in goddess mode. I know you can do it. You are a strong beautiful sassy woman... who can do anything she puts her mind to.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Still,
Thanks for checking in
DSS's mom is LONG gone and it is a good thing. She is BAD news. I am the only 'real' mom DSS has ever had. That is why this is SO hard for BOTH of us!
He has been thru so much already in his young life. WS is such a selfish PR*ck!
I took him to FIL's and FiL wasn't home. I called and he was broken down. We went and found him. Got behind and put flashers on, as it was getting dark and was on a narrow road
His brother came and we got him home. He told me WS was not happy about him helping me with mowing yesterday - but FIL says TOO BAD. He will help me and be friends for as long as I want, no matter what WS says, does, or wants
I found out about OW when I asked DSS who all was in the 'group' watching the game last nigh. I know it's not 'fair' for me to question him,,,,I feel bad about it. But then WS should not put him in that position to begin with! I make sure that I do not DRILL him,,,,even though I want to.
WS called shortly after we left FIL. He talked to DD for 1 minute and then got on with me. He was VERY short,,,complained about how tired he was. Then said he'd talk to DD in the am, so I just said OK, Goodnight
He did not even ask about FIL.
He then asked if kids were good. I said yes, they were great
He said"ok, I will call the girl in the am"
I again said OK goodnight.
I know I 'could/should' have done a better Plan A conversation, but just was not up for it. I just wanted to scream st him. So, I figured being nice but brief was better
Thanks for the encouragment!
Here's hoping Sassy/Goddess/vixen Bugs is the one who wakes in my bed in the morning!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Bugs:
I think the lawn looks terrific...
BTW:
My son is 14, and I still wouldn't feel comfortable taking him to Hooters..
LG
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Good morning, all! In order to regain my Goddess attitude today, I put on my presentation dress again! DD asked why I was wearing it again = = I said because it makes me FEEL GOOD! we called WS - he spent a little more time with DD on the phone. Was short with me again. Still complaining about being tired,,,I tried to engage a little bit more with a few questions. He was at a store or gas station, and said he had to go. I just responded, "OK, bye". Not lingering,,,,asking for another call. It sounded a little bit like he was sad - but I am trying not to think TOO much about that. I think he is waiting for me to bring up THE LIST. Which, of course, I will not be doing. I also decided not to bring up the Hooters trip,,,,,it will accomplish nothing. Unfortunately, I can't stop him in that regard. I CAN however, continue to teach DSS that DATING while married is wrong. Am going to try VERY hard today to concentrate on WORK. I will check in here later tonight! Breaking the Addition I have to MB for the day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Have a great day!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Despite my best efforts today, I am just a mess. I'm sitting here in tears and can't stop crying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel so lost. For the first time in my life, I just don't think I"m strong enough. I can't even pull myself together to do my job, ,,, which is always what has helped keep me focused and feeling confident about myself. There's no one thing that I can put my finger on as to WHY I am feeling this way,,,,,,,,,,,,it is just an overwhelming feeling of pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It feels like WS is gone forever - - he's done things and is actively DOING things to casue me such pain and it matters not to him at all. How could he ever come back to be H again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I hate being so darn pathetic! I can't even seem to work up any ANGER to help get me thru today!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Bugs: Just had to jump on, with that last post of yours. My W used to feel the same way, before Dday. Just locked up, not knowing what to do. But she didn't know about the A. She really didn't know what to be angry about. She was angry with me, but, what else was wrong? You have been horribly wronged by your husband. But you KNOW what you are fighting now. It's right there in the open. So start fighting it. You do marriage. Your Attorney, (To be determined) does Divorce. As Mulan says: Your pain means nothing to a WS. Maybe, just Maybe, when he becomes H again, he will do something about all the pain he has caused. And you are not pathetic. You have been hit with a freight train, and when you start to feel ok, the train backs up and hits you again. Your WH has been given somewhat of a free ride so far. It may be time to plan your move to Plan B. Having a plan makes the rest of this stuff easier to handle. Because when you know where you are going, the distractions of the WH are minimized And you are wearing your Killer Presentation Dress today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Goddess! Goddess! Goddess! or Vixen... Whatever works. And remember, my Librarian Wifes all time favorite book title is: "If I had killed him when I met him, I would have been out of jail by now" If that doesn't keep me on my toes.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
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LG - thanks for jumping in with you oh so kind and encouraging post! As Mulan says: Your pain means nothing to a WS. I hve read this over and over so many times. It's so darn difficult to get the head & mind around that and move to the other side of it. You have been hit with a freight train, and when you start to feel ok, the train backs up and hits you again EXACTLY! I know it's a LONG hard road ahead,,,no matter where this ends up. Reading the 'timeline' of 2 years or more that some folks here have been dealing with just bowls me over,,,, when I'm having a hard time getting thru just this one day. I realized I can't deal with the long term though right now. I am at a moment by moment place right now. You are RIGHT about getting my PLAN in order. That will give me the focus and direction I need. I was sitting here, mopping up my eyes and nose,,,when WS called to tell me he'd confirmed the car insurance change. He offered to fax me the coverage, so I would have a copy in my car. He then went into his usual work summary,,,description! When that was finished,,and I wasn't 'contributing' more to the conversation, he switched to talk about the kids. Starting with questions he'd already asked me. Ended up we talked for about 10 minutes. I 'almost' think that he really does Need these conversations with me. I just don't know the reason WHY. Is it so he can feel better about the LIST he sent yesterday,,,,,,,,,,if I'm not mean & hateful to him, then I must be OK with it? OR is our conversation meeting an EN of his? Who knows? Why am I stting here focusing on him right now? Ok - I've given myself another 10 mintues for ME time and then it's hitting the work for the rest of the day. Thanks again for the encouragement. And remember, my Librarian Wifes all time favorite book title is: "If I had killed him when I met him, I would have been out of jail by now No THAT is one worth going to Borders to find!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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I think you've been hit with several BOMBS over the past couple of days..with no POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT for yourself...you don't feel like you are WORKING A PLAN..you've been mostly in a DEFENSIVE position...
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO???? That's what I've been sort of encouraging...
It must not FEEL like ENOUGH to TALK TO HIM on the phone...or to TM him...
I do think it's time for more of YOUR OWN CONVERSATION...where you are telling HIM..that you wish to RECONCILE..you do not DO DIVORCE...
"so stop sending me those E-mails, please; I'm not planning on responding to them"....you will not be his FRIEND if he decides to continue his AFFAIR...
You were having MORE CONTACT with him at one point. What was the nature of that and how/why did it STOP?
If it's any SOLACE to you, BUGS, I had PLENTY of DAYS like you are having and look at my signature line for TODAY...it's been more than three years in Recovery though and over 4 years since D-Day...TIME...this takes TIME...A MARATHON...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi, think you've been hit with several BOMBS over the past couple of days..with no POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT for yourself...you don't feel like you are WORKING A PLAN..you've been mostly in a DEFENSIVE position... Yes, I have moved into the Defensive position. I don't feel like I've been in Plan A,,,, except for having not EXPLODED to WS through the last several days. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO???? That's what I've been sort of encouraging... I think that's been it,,,,,,,,,,not really knowing what to do. I realize you have been encouraging,,,,THE TALK. I have felt so Defensive, that going on the Offense has seemed impossible. With WS pulling back from me,,,,,no responses to TM,,no SF or interest at all,,no touching, no hugs,,,making it so OBVIOUS when he is with OW,,,stating he's taking her on MY vacation,,,,expecting to take MY family,,,,,,trying to move forward with D,,,,,telling me the SF was just s*x to him,,,, I've let this all just beat me down to where it seems to make no sense to be pro-active with any kind of talk. He's only going to want to TALK about D,,,,,,,,so why bother. You were having MORE CONTACT with him at one point. What was the nature of that and how/why did it STOP? I sort of answered this above The talk we had the first weekend of March, when he stated again his wanting to move forward with the D. SF was discussed and this was the beginning of his pulling back. ALL touching ended, as did almost all calls from him unless it he calls to talk to the kids. He came by for a "peak" the 11th of March, but then the next he spent the entire weekend with ho,,,,,,,,,since then no coming by, no joking about bob, nothing. Since he told me a week ago that his friends have told him how he's going to have to be a JERK,,,the cold freeze has really set in. It's now calling me by NAME. As if I'm a business associate. Taking DSS out with OW, etc. Then yesterday, sending of THE LIST. It was the straw on the camel's back, so to speak. I KNOW I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I have to regenerate my strength. I just don't know yet HOW or WHEN I'll get there. If it's any SOLACE to you, BUGS, I had PLENTY of DAYS like you are having and look at my signature line for TODAY...it's been more than three years in Recovery though and over 4 years since D-Day...TIME...this takes TIME...A MARATHON Mimi- - - it is stories such as yours that gives me the SLIM desire to keep trying. I think if it were not for successes such as yours, I'd turn it over to the attorney and walk away. Just how long of a period was it for you from DDay to the beginning 'hint' of a potential recovery?
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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I realized that part of my challenge recently is losing track of MY PLAN. I have been keeping up with several threads here,,,,, and right now the most active ones are mostly PLAN B. That is not yet me,,,,,, So I went back,,,back, back, looking for some of the great posts I read and USED as my STRENGTH when I first came here. Mimi - -- You posted the following - - DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE I held onto HOPE and FAITH for dear life. This was themain thing that kept me going. If not hope for your marriage, maintain hope and faith in your spirit, in your soul, for your own well-being. I turned to MY GOD, to MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR in the midnight hours and constantly and regularly received PERSONAL TOUCHES and MESSAGES from the HOLY SPIRIT. Even if you do not share my religious beliefs, do whatever it takes to remain focused on the LIGHT and not the DARK....DO NOT LET ANYONE ROB YOU OF YOUR HOPE AND FAITH...that is the GOAL OF THE ENEMY....
VIEW THIS AS A SERIES OF BATTLES See yourself as a soldier in a war..a fight for yourself..a fight for your marriage..a fight against the forces of evil...Given your hope and faith (discussed above), BELIEVE that you will be victorious and conquer the ENEMY..ONE BATTLE AT A TIME....
VIEW YOUR WS AS BEING DRUG-ADDICTED My FWH was just as bad, lost,desperate, craved, nasty, smelly as any meth or cocaine addict...This is not a contest that anyone wants to win. But, I bet that I can top any story that the WSes are discussing on the boards lately... At some point in all of this, my FWH was emotionally abusive, at times physically abusive, abandoned me, abandoned his children...all of the above and worse than I can possibly believe at this point...he seemed POSSESSED and EVIL....A MONSTER, at times.. Now I look at him after FULL WITHDRAWAL and his OWN INSISTENCE on USING EXTREME PRECAUTIONS and I can't BELIEVE WHAT I SEE... He is truly the SWEETEST, KINDEST PERSON to me.. For two full years, I have waited for that MONSTER to return.. Early on, their were daily glimpses but as each day goes by he comes closer and closer to being his former self or even better....HE HAS DEFINITELY CHANGED...
[b]CONTINUE TO EXPOSE... [/b] It's like I learned to enclose myself in a cocoon that he could not penetrate. I would come on here to vent. I would retreat to the bathroom. I would go on LONG DRIVES in my car. It was important not to be swept up into HIS EVILNESS..INTO HIS CRAZY WORLD...That would have legitimized his craziness.. Of course, the eventual PLAN B is perfect sanctuary....
This so freeing..Tell everybody you know. You are in the RIGHT. He is in the WRONG. This is an essential battle strategy. This will get back to one of them and they will continually BE SHAMED. Don't believe that others are supportive of what they are doing...I had fantasies of fencing them in her house so they wouldn't want to come out. This turned out to be truer than I believed at the time. They took back roads and snuck around town while I took the main roads and let everybody know what my H was doing
LET YOUR WAYWARD SPOUSE GO....FOCUS ON YOURSELF... HE HAD TO HIT HIS BOTTOM I really got this after reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by DOBSON although this was pounded into me by others...I came to accept that there was no amount of crying, pleading, explaining, questioning or PLAN Aing that I could do to make my H stop his A..He had to eventually choose to break up with her on his own...He had to be ready...
This was the reason for the false recoveries..He came back before he was ready..He came back before he had scraped the very bottom of the barrel..He had to come face to face with all that he was losing..He had to come face to face with who the OW REALLY WAS... This is what can happen in PLAN B... Thank you! This is the HOPE and STRENGTH that I need to be using. Yes, it includes that Plan B is part of the process, but isn't focused on it. I am finding my strength,,,, Slowly.
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Yep..
Time to get up on your HIGH HORSE..
On the OFFENSIVE...
I will be supporting YOUR STRENGTH...
Put on YOUR CROWN...
You are not only a GODDESS...
You are also a QUEEN...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Ahhh,,,, yes, The Queen is on her way back! Just before I read your post, I called WS to Thank him for faxing me insurance coverage document. Ws answered - with a very short, negative sounding Hello. Queen Bugs did not WORRY that this was directed at HER. Instead, gave a cherry, "Hey there!" WS - "Oh hi!" Bugs - "Is everything Ok,,,??" He shared what he was working on,, how aggravating it was,,,, with Bugs giving her condolences and admiration that WS could certainly get it fixed! I then just told him thanks so much for the insurance paperwork,,,,, then laughing mentioned how the storms today made me concerned that we'd need to make a claim right away. A brief back and forth on the weather,,,,,,,,BUGS ended the conversation FIRST with a "Just wanted to say thanks again!" BIG Smiling Voice! WS - "Ok, great. Talk to you soon" Sounding a little more cheery. I've gone back to LilSis's Plan A thread for further inspiration. If I can get any inspiration, I'm going to find it there for sure! It helps that one of the guys that works here came by my office to tell me that I look "Smokin' Hot!" today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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BUgs,
I'm glad you brought back the post from Mimi... I think I needed it today.
It seems to be going around.
Your WH sounds somewhat like mine in the sense he loves to talk about work and all the problems there. I noticed he doesn't seem to ask you about your day... I know my rarely did.
You sound much stronger this afternoon then you did this morning.
Keep it up ... stay in goddess mode.
Still
BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Bugsie
you are just too cute for words
sincerely cute
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