Thank-you Bugs that means so much to me.

I'm praying frequently today for God to rebirth my WH and our M.

Actually praying for all of us that would like a better M with our WS.

Still

One can never give or receive too many prayers!

Ihave, unfortunately, fallen in love with the house I looked at. It is perfect

BUT - what to do? If I move forward with this, it will also mean moving forward with the D. Seperation of our finances will be a must. So,,,I do not what to do/think

Anyone been at the same place?

Feeling like I should do this to secure my and DD's future,,,,but not wanting to leave WS behind,,,-unsure of my direction

99 percent WS will complete D no matter what I do.

Ah well -- need to discuss with attorney to have full understanding of options.

Time to get my hair cut

Bugs:

Read Mimi's Thread.

She sold the house.

It woke up WH.

And look where she is now!

LG

Yea..in my state only LEGAL SEPARATION was required and my H had to sign over any rights to the new house...

Yes,,, as I was walking thru the house I thought to myself that this just might be MY version of Mimi's selling her house!

Ws called yesterday around quitting time,,,asking if I was going out. I said maybe. He said he'd have his Dad get the kids as he was working late. I NEVER make myself available when it's HIS turn to have the kids.

I did go to dinner, but was home early. I called to say goodnight to kids,,,,WS wasn't home yet. Said he was 10 minutes away. I said I'd call them on FIL phone,,,but WS kept on with our conversation.

Told me all about his day, etc. the challenges, the usual. Then he actually asked about MY work. I shared several things with him.

He then asked if I were going to take back my "old job",,,which is currently open. It's a local only management job,.

I said = "maybe" Several people have approached me, but I had not mentioned this to WS. It would mean possibly increased interaction with WS,,,,,,,which is fine in Plan A, but not for Plan B!

WS jokes and says "Well, that is one level down from the X position,,,,which would make you my boss if you move up. I bet that's why you are going to look to take that job, so you can eventually be my boss"

Bugs could not resist and says "You WISH you were that important,,,,,,,,,,,not I don't want to be like Mr. X "

The call the dropped! What timing.

WS called right back, and acted as if he did not hear my last comment, so I didn't repeat it. We laughed and joked until he got home,,,I talked to the kids,,,he got back on and was rather abrupt, so I got off the phone.

This morning we spoke & argued about the plan for tonight/tomorrow. WS said that we had agreed I would have kids tonight,,,,,,,,,,,,I said no, we had said you would bring them over in the am. But, I didn't let it drag on, I said, sorry there was a misunderstanding. Just bring them over night at X time.

He was insistant that they be here to WAKE up and get their Easter Bunny baskets. I was really mad,,,,,,,,because that is not the way it's going to be in the future,,,,,no matter what he thinks.

He called back and left a message about 30 minutes later saying he'd keep kids tonight and bring them over in the am. I didn't return the call, as he said to call if I needed anything.

He called this afternoon,,, he was out shopping for Easter stuff for the kids, and was bringing it over here. I am pretty sure he was with the HO - - either shopping together or getting stuff from her that they had already bought,,,,since I ruined the plan for them to be together tonight! We'd had a talk about this yesterday with me saying that I hoped we did not get duplicate stuff.

Ws sayd "well, we will have to discuss in the future what we will do,, if we'll have Easter at MY place or at YOUR place."

I said - "well, I think we should have Easter at OUR place"

Ws- "do we have to have that conversation now?

Bugs - "no, I am just saying what I think would be best". I kept my voice very light and happy,,, no pressure.

Today he brought stuff by. My laundry was folded on the couch to be put away,,,,including my GODDESS undergarments.

WS - "I always asked you to wear stuff like that WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER"

That hurt,,,,,,,,,,that it was totally PAST TENSE

I just said, "well it's what I wear now that it fits. I was to heavy before"

WS - "yea,,,,,whatever"

So, he noticed but got that dig in about US BEING OVER. OUCH! DOUBLE OUCH!

SO, they will be over in the morning. I am trying to put away winter clothes and get out spring/summmer, but am not feeling really motivated. I was earlier, but lost steam when I found out he was coming by.

I'm going to bake some Easter sweet bread tonight,,,, recipe from the Soprano's cookbook. Hope it's good!

Then I'm putting together kids and WS Easter baskets. Got WS a card that has a chocolate bunny melting on the front,,,,inside it says "All it takes is one look from you"
Happy Easter.

Am sending my attorney her retainer tomorrow. I am also sending as much financial data as I can. I'm going to ask that she file for LSA right away. I am not going to wait for WS to file for D. I will include my getting that new place.

It's time for WS to have to stand up and face the music.

Once I talk to her and have a plan,,,, I will inform WS that I do marriage,,, my lawyer does LSA and if forced to, my lawyer does D.

If it goes as I suspect, that will probably be the time to begin Plan B. I talked to my sister last night and she has agreed to be intermediary.

I hope that tomorrow brings everyone here many,many blessings. I view Easter as the time for renewal,,,for the time when old things have passed away, and a new time is beginning. I pray that it is a Great New Beginning for us all. That we will have the opportunity to renew our Marriages into the new wonderful and blessed marriages we are all working so hard to have.

Happy Easter & God Bless.

Hey Bugs,

WW and I had similar conversations about MY place, YOUR place, OUR place, etc. I always refer to OUR house when I am with the kids and when I talk to her. And anytime the kids mention DADDY'S house I quickly correct them and say our house. I also tell them how glad I am to have them HOME after they stay with WW.

I am in a similar situation with the house - I have OUR house for sale and am looking at new ones in an area with better schools. WW once asked what I would so when we moved and I told her it would still be OUR house because even on a simplistic level I want the kids to be involved in the decision making process.

Great analogy about Easter being a time of renewal. I pray for God's blessings on all our marriages - even the recovered ones.

Hey all

This am I had really good PlanA interaction w/WS. As soon as he walked in w/kids I walked up to them and planted a big kiss and gave hugs to the ALL and said Happy Easter!

He was dressed very nice, so obviously going to meet the HO after

Kids got their baskets. WS looked embarassed to find a complete basket for him as well. He opened the card, but made no cooment.

He stood way back at first, but then came to the table to help DD put together a toy. I stood right by him, and eve gave him a few rubs and pats on the back

ONE BAD thing --his phone rang, he and he ANSWERED whilke walking into the other room,,,I followed. He said "hey I am with the kids. I will call you back" HO Call! Pissed me off --that he respects me so little he talks to her right in front of me!

I let it go

He wanted to see kids in their new outfits. He watched while DD got changed,,,2ven was joking with me. I joked back and even gave him a play punch and stuck my tongue out at him

We had to talk to DSS about grades. We were in the bathroom. DSS left and WS closed the door so we could talk

He went on and on and on about DSS and FIL. How hard it is living w/the 2 of them as they are such slobs! How he cleans and 4 hrs later the house is a wreck

I just listened --very few comments. It went on and on. Finally WS says "I know you are thinking that I am getting just what I deserve"

I just smiled and said, no that is not what I am thinking

Then, it was time to go. Ws got his basket stuff and stops in front of me "you know you don't have to do this kind of thing"

Bugs looks him right in the eye, moving close "I did it because I wanted to"

WS reaches out and gives a REAL hug. Rubs, and asks "are you ok"

Bugs hugs back a Lot and says happily "I am doing great"

He went w/us to visit baby couisin next door. He went to leave before us,, pu his hand on my head,,,ran it down to my neck--said bye, be carefu

I grabbed his let (I was sitting) and said Love u bye

We had good time w/family. Called when I was getting ready to drop DSS - got VM. Guess he won't take MY call in front of her!! UUGGH!!

He called back the he wasn't home but fil was. He asked about our day. I kept it brief. He said he would call later to talk to DD

So,,,HO is still the most important thing , but I think I scored a few points on the radar screen!

Bugs:

Good Job!

Keep it up....

LG

Bugs,

You did great... and you got a real hug out of it.

Still

Thanks for the encouragement! Tht hug felt good--and I am trying real hard not to let him going to the Ho for the day get me down

Found out from DD that HO calls a lot AND that daddy picked up a flier for a house that was for sale. She did not know where it was -she had been asleep in the car. Only good thing is she has not SEEN the HO.

Am hoping for another few wks of Plan A--maybe shorter, maybe longer,, but withe the good today I am hoping to ride that tide to a Very Positive end of Plan A.

Hope everyone had a good Easter -- or atleast one without too much negative from those pesky WS's!

WOW, BUGS!!!

He is forming MENTAL IMAGES OF YOU..in that GODDESS WEAR...

WH to himself: "I just can't get her off of my mind, DANG IT"...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,


I SOOO hope you are right about that!

Huge fight. Ws mad because I talked to kids today about DD not going on lake trip
DD brought it up in the car. I talked to DSS about it and told him why it was going to be that way.

Seems WS decided that since I am FORCING him to choose between who he Wants to see and DD he is picking DD and will every time

BUT when we are 'done with this'. I won't have any say in it.

He never uses the word divorce. Ever

I told him that I am always honest and consistent w/kids. That I love him, they can/should love him and that HE loves them. But I will not lie and tell them that what he is doing is OK when it is not.

He went into how he knows that it our job to look out for our kids and he would NEVER endanger them and that we disagree on this on what is 'right'. That like ALL thru our marriage the only thing that mattered was what I think is right.

It went bakc and forth with some LB's on my part.

But, I kept up with I do not want D. I want to re-build a better M. I am not trying to make it difficult, but I am being true to what I believe

Of course he pointed out how that makes no sense because he is done

I told him his list needs dollars on it,, so I am a money grubbing B**ch. That I am going to FORCE him to sell HIS home that he got BEFORE me using HIS inheritance.

I told him it is OUR home and I never said anything about forcing him to sell

Back and forth. I said again, if I were that person, why would I talk about how I Still love him and want M?

Finally, I could take no more and said I was geeting off the phone, he can believe what he chooses to believe, goodbye

He called back,, mostluy because I mentioned that he can believe I am seeing my X if he wants, even though it is a lie

He wanted to know who said what. I reminded him finally that HE was the one that told me I was seeing someone

He said that he 'assumed' that because I now dress in going out clothes, wearing things h always asked me to wear and that I do not come home some nights

I told him that I should have worn this for him, but for the first time in 5yrs I feel slim enough to wear it

He said he always thought I looked good enough to wear it

I told him I wear it to make myslef feel better,,but also because I want HIM to think I look good and I want HIM to notice

He changed subject back to negative

That why am I 'being true wo what I believe when it makes no sense. He was moved on

He says it is because I am bitter that he has moved on

I reminded him,,bitter women do not still tell the man that they love them, they do not contoinue to believe and talk about rebuilging the M

He still can not believe how negative this is why am I amking it so hard, this is not how we agreed to do this

I said NO it is not how we agreed to do it, you are right

He wants us to be friends --i said 'why would I want to be friends with someone who is doing this?

I will detail more tomorrow,,, blackberry going dead

So sorry for this exchange at the end of such a blessed day.

You know what they say when you assume something? It makes an a$$ of u and me - well at least WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((Bugs)))))

Actually, Bugs, despite how DIFFICULT that last conversation was, IMO, it went WELL...

He has definitely made note of your CHANGES and is now CONFUSED and CONFLICTED about proceeding...

It would be SOOOOO much EASIER for HIM if you could just be FRIENDS and he could get a FIX from you every now and then..and you would not make this FINANCIALLY difficult for him..this is all about him continuing to have his FUN..CAKE AND EAT IT TOO..

WOW..will he be SHOCKED in response to your NEXT PLAN...

You held your ground and made your points, BUGS...

GOOD JOB!!!!

waiting for the rest of the story......

But like Mimi said, so far so good!

I have lost my post twice now! What with work issues today, I wonder how much more frustrating my life could get! UGGHH!

Let me try to fill in a few holes in my previous post - - Typing last night on the Blackberry wasn’t easy!

Re: kids and the lake trip

WS said that I am making him out to be the bad guy.

Bugs – No, I’m not making you out to be the bad guy dear. I state the truth, including how I love you, the kids love you, and you love them. The facts of your affair are the facts. If I wanted to make you out to be the BAD guy, I certainly wouldn’t be talking about LOVE.

He went on and on about my FORCING him to sell HIS home that he bought with HIS inheritance, BEFORE we were together. How HE ALONE had to move his entire family, take care of them all, etc. And now, I am a bitter money grubbing B**ch out to may him PAY because he has moved on.

I told him, he has kept stating how he wants to be FAIR. That’s what I want as well. MY contributions to OUR marriage, OUR family, to OUR home, and OUR finances mean something. As he has chosen to walk away from the M, the only thing left to review is the financial contributions in order to be FAIR.

We were together, not yet married, when he bought this place. My blood, sweat, tears, time, effort went into that place before WE moved in there at the SAME time TOGETHER. I contributed to every bit of improvement in that place.

He feels that “giving me EVERYTHING inside the house” is equal to anything I may have contributed to the equity of the home. Besides, he is “giving me” the other property. This is property that 6 months ago, we were planning to build our dream home.

I said, “well, then I get land that is not worth what we paid for it. Land that I can not sell today and make back the purchase priced. Land that I can not afford to build a house upon. Thanks!”

I finally told him – he keeps making all of these Assumptions about me. I have never once said I was going to FORCE him to sell that place. I have never once said I am going to DRAG this out and may him PAY. And all of the other things he keeps stating as fact with no substantiaion. All I asked for is for him to put down the value of the property.

He doesn’t want to be FAIR - - he wants it to be EASY - - and for him to get what he WANTS. As long as he keeps up his statement that he wants to be FAIR,,,, he has no leg to stand on other than try to make it look like I am all about the money.

I also found out he is putting auto deposit into DD’s savings account – “at the highest rate that he would possibly have to pay in child support”. He figured this out with his lawyer.

Funny, he started those payments LONG before he “supposedly” had engaged a lawyer. I guess I’m not supposed to be smart enough to figure that out? DUH!

Let me see if I can just summarize it all here,,,,, It might be easier to list it this way”

I am making this HARD
I am making this NEGATIVE
I am trying to drag it all out
I am crazy for not “getting it”
I am trying to make him look like the BAD GUY
I am bitter
I am only about the MONEY
I am being too difficult
I never contributed to HIS home
I am trying to TAKE his inheritance
I am FORCING him to sell HIS home
I Need to Move on
I Need to make this EASY
I Need to cooperate
I need to just accept his word that his offer is FAIR
I need to sit down with him and work this all out easy as pie
I need to ACCEPT the OW
I need to believe that HIS Assumption that I have moved on is CORRECT
I need to believe that HE LIKES that I have moved on
I need to just step back out of the way so he can have his NEW improved life
I need to tell everyone that I am OK with this
I need to tell our children Adultery is OK,,, because Daddy doesn’t love me any more

I think that about wraps it up. Hhhhhmmm,,,, Funny I do not see ONE thing in there that states anything that WS needs to DO or CHANGE.

Do you?

So, what the heck is wrong with me?? Shouldn’t I want to do all of this to make him happy????

His mirror reflects poorly, I'd say

Bugs;
That sums it up pretty well. Now if you don't mind, could you just go along with it all?
Cuz if you don't he's going to whine about how this is all your fault. And complain about how bitter you are. And bit** about how you are all about the money.

Cuz maybe if he does that -- you won't like those labels and you will start cooperating.

Its all manipulation.
Don't fall into his trap!
I suspect his attorney has informed him that he's out of his inheritence. Once you co-mingle that money it becomes "joint"....which is why he is all bent out of shape and trying to manipulate you into being FAIR!!

Stick to your mantra. "Talk to my attorney about the divorce, she is there to protect me and advise me" -- and follow the letter of the law. Which will mean he is out of his inheritence.....I suspect his attorney has enlightened him on that and he's starting to realize that. Once you put it into a joint asset, it becomes a joint asset. You have to keep that segregated or it becomes a marital asset. And don't you even think about being "fair" with him...let your attorney handle it. This is a consequence of his choice. Let him deal with it.

Don't participate in his tantrums.

Lexxxy,,,

I think you nailed it on the head. It's coming down to the fact that his lies about being FAIR and taking such good care of his family is coming to a real end unless he can properly spin this whole thing to make me 'bad guy'.

I called him earlier, an attorney friend of his is handling a ticket for me and I needed an update. As I am in Plan A,,,offically,,,I called to ask him VS calling the guy myself.

He's supposed to talk to him later today about my sitch and another one for a friend of his.

It was an "all business" type call, but I was pleasant and gave him a big THANKS for helping me on this.

I sent an email last night, asking him to provide the amounts and due dates of the bills he now expect me to pay. I know that is "cooperating" in a way and helping him, but I did agree to it last night over the phone.

I also used the opportunity to say again I do believe in him, my love for him, and that we can rebuild our M, even though he doesn't understand it. I said I know he thinks I'm crazy and he is certainly entitled to his feelings and opinions.
I went on to say that nothing anyone else says really matters much. I see enough that nothing can make the pain any worse.
I said the fact is he is my love and my life. It really is as simple as that in my heart.

I am pretty sure that email was a mistake,,,,but I sent it. It was honest.

Now,,, I just left a message for my attorney to get an appointment to discuss my options.

I have talked to my family. We have agreed that I will be moving as soon as school is out, no matter what. If I don't have a house by then, I will stay with them while it gets worked out.

I have to have a complete plan and a timeframe. It's time for me to be pro-active. Now that I have a date and a place for me and DD, I can get the rest of the details in order.

The reality approaches for my WS,,,,,,,,,,I don't think he sees it coming.

He's too busy with what he Already Knows I am doing and thinking,,,,,,,,, as well as what I am GOING to do.

Does being a WS suddenly give one psychic powers that I am not aware of?

I am sure he has himself prepared. He will use the onset of Plan B to further jusitfy and prove he's been right about me all along.

Ya know, that may be his opinion and he is entitled to it.