ABSOLUTELY, BUGSY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I 'had' to go by WS's to take DD,s school stuff for tomorrow

WS was sitting in living room eating and watching a movie. Kids were playing. I stood in kitchen wa/kids for a minute,, I could not see WS.

When he did not come in the kitchen I walked into the living room. H signaled at the movie he was watching and we started talking about it. He asked if I wanted some tacos, but I declined(regreted it as soon as I said it!)

I sat down on the edge of the couch. He was at other end. I eventually leaned back and a little closer. We chatted and watched the movie

I was going to leave when WS asked if I wanted some strawberries and shortcake. I about fell off the couch! But pulled it together and said that sounds Great!

I knew from DD over the phone what they were having but did not expect an invite

So we ate. When I finished WS took my bowl and retreated to the kitchen. I finally took the 'hint'. I took DD's bowl in and asked if I could help. He said no

I spent a few minutes with the kids. WS was going thru the mail and gave me mine. I went thru DD's backpack.

I went over to WS to show him papers from DD. Made sure to use the opportunity to stroke his back.

He then made sure to keep a minimum of 5 ft between us the rest of the time,, always on the move

Said my goodnights and did lots of loving and laughing with DD on the way out

So,,good interaction, but he is like a scared rabbit around me!

What is up with that?

Is it that he does not want me to get the 'wrong' idea? That he is trying to make a point that his being friendly is only as 'friends' and for the sake of the kids?

Oh, btw, he did not do either of the things he said he would do for me today. I know he forgot,,but still hurts a little

Only good thing about it is that I handled it well with no LBs!

Going to take a bath and hit the bed. Hope to get some real sleep for a change

Ok, all.

I need some advise.

How do I balance the CLEAR message that I want to restore my M,,,,,,,,,,

While at the same time moving forward with LSA?

I am worried that by filing LSA, it gives WS virtually everything he has been asking for except the rubber stamp of it being an actual D.

It will divide everything,,,,,,,,,and make it offically legal. This is almost EXACTLY what he wants.

How do I balance the message of, I am Protecting myself, Preparing to Move on with my life with the MORE important message of "I WANT MY H BACK!"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Do I TELL him before he gets served? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyone who has been through this, I'd really appreciate your input.

What did you do "right",,,,,,,what would you have done "different"???????

Also,,,,ideas on the continuation of Plan A after filing LSA

VS

going to Plan B at the same time or later??

PrincessMeggy & SL,,

Somehow I missed your posts from the other night & I just wanted to say THANKS for your input and support.

It kind of answers some of my question above.

It's just that with WS stating so adamantly that he is moving forward with D,,,,,,,,,,,

And

BUGS stating to adamantly that I won't do ANYTHING to help us get D,,,,,,,,,,,,

How do I communicate with WS about this?

He's going to twist it all around. I just want to be as prepared as possible to deal with the fallout and be POSITIVE with my message for Recovery of our M.

BTW - PM,,, THANKS SO MUCH for your story! I, like so many, have continued to follow,,,,with great anticipation each installment of your story. I am glad to hear that it is helping you as much as it is helping so many of us! Bless you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I recommend a meeting with him to "TALK" rather than just letting him be "SERVED".

Tell him to his face why you are getting the LSA. Let him know that you are doing this to protect yourself legally since he is CONTINUING HIS AFFAIR.

Let him know that you are not getting the LSA in order to DIVORCE HIM but ONLY to PROTECT YOURSELF LEGALLY. That's why I say that it is NOT the same as a DIVORCE.

so...



CLEARLY, SIMPLY AND OPENLY TO HIS FACE...

Give him the option of COMING HOME and ENDING HIS AFFAIR in your conversation. This is the PRELUDE to the PLAN B LETTER.



As I said before, I did get the LSA but my H would have had to file for D. I, personally, had NO PLANS of doing that.

Ok, While I know that it won't be happening for a while yet, I wanted to get started on having the TALK you recommend.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get my thoughts around soemthing, so I have drafted what I think I want to say when the time comes.

Here goes -
WS, I need to talk to you and wanted to do this face to face.

I want to share with you what is happening with me, inside and out.

I have told you already, many times, that I do not want a D. I still feel that way. I love you and want our marriage.

I see and accept responsibility for things I should have done differently in the past and again, I am so, so, sorry for ANY and ALL hurt that I have ever caused you.

I now realize and understand in a way that I never did before, so many of things I have done that have hurt you. This has truly changed me.

I see how I can meet your needs the way you need them and deserve them to be met, and I have put away my resentments and the disrespectful judgments that stood in the way of that before.

I cannot change the past. I can only effect RIGHT now and the future.

You are clearly not ending your Affair with OW. Despite the incredible amount of pain your affair has caused me, and is still causing me, I want you as my H, I want my M, but until the time comes that you never have contact with OW again, our R cannot be healed.

So, I wanted to tell you that I have filed for LS.

I am doing this to protect myself and to deal in what is now reality. You have told me you are planning to move. It makes sense to have everything spelled out, legally, for everyone’s sake.

I am not here to talk about the legalities, the division of our assets or any of the details. If you want to discuss those things, please contact my lawyer after you have the paperwork. I do not and will not discuss those with you; that’s what I pay my lawyer to do.

This does not mean that I want a D. I do not.

There is a path that we can take together. It does not lead our OLD marriage, but to a BETTER one in which we love and care for each other more than ever.

I want to walk that path with YOU. I want it for ALL of us,,, for our children, for myself, and for you. If you end all contact with OW, we can walk that path together forever.



I am pretty happy with that,,,,,but welcome any and all opinions.

Now THAT is sort of taken care of,,, I NEED to re-focus for some further Plan A activites. Need to bank as many points as I can leading up to Plan B.

He's starting FULL weekend of Ho time,,,,so it will be tough to find an opportunity to Plan A much over the next several days.

With the rain, maybe kids and I will bake something and drop some off at FIL house on Sat.

I have been going thru old pics,,,,getting them organized. I was thinking of putting some of them into an album for WS.

Gotta get to work,,,,,

As I recall, reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH helped me with what TO SAY in MY TALK..I got MY WORDS and INSPIRATION from that book...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The TALK was my NEXT STEP after a time of telling him that I WAS NOT LETTING HIM GO although he was begging me to do so...I just referred to this in a post to Meggy...

I called him over and told him that I was "LETTING HIM GO"..until and unless he CHOSE to end the affair..I then proceeded with filing for LS..and then gave him the PLAN B LETTER...

Inside my heart was about to beat outside of my chest...

I remember my H looking at me IN AMAZEMENT...

I had gained his RESPECT..just as DOBSON had proclaimed in the book...

Heather Headley sings about this in her song "IN MY MIND"



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi - Borders is holding a copy of this book for me right now

I had to call WS to ask about ticket he was helping me with. He called me back and was Mad

He had to call the guy he does not like to call,,,and was trying to make me feel bad

I tried to keep it light and joked I would buy him a 6 pack.

WS - 'I DON'T want u to buy me ANYTHING! Do you know what I want?"

Bugs 'what?'

WS-"for you to understand me better"

I should have asked what that meant - but I 'assumed' he meant was to go along with the D

I said in a nice voice "I will certainly try"

He then hung up.

I am just feeling SICK.

Bugsy:

Why are you feeling SICK?

Stay the course...float on your life raft...

YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PLAN!!!

He's SOOOOO CONFUSED....

And actually NEEDS AND WANTS YOUR HELP!!!

He wants to keep USING THE DRUG but also he is continuing to be CHARMED by YOU!!

He wants you to make this EASIER for him.

He wants you to be UNATTRACTIVE and the B word...

He wants to provoke you into a fight...

He wants you to DO SOMETHING..ANYTHING..to make what he is DOING seem to be OK....

STAY THE COURSE, BUGSY!!!

Mimi,

I just got that empty, sick, pit of my stomach sinking feeling when on the phone with the total ALIEN WS. You know the feeling I am talking about.

I guess that last night had actually seemed a little nice,,,I wasn't expecting all of the YUCK today. It's like he was nice to me and then is TOTALLY sorry he ever did it. That it wasn't real & only in my head,,, and that I'll never really see the H who loves me ever again.

Also, am meeting with lawyer this afternoon, which has me queasy to begin with.

I know it's the right thing to do. I have to get my head and heart around Letting Him Go.


I have a hard time believing he is confused when he is so adamant that it's over.



Do you mean he WANTS and NEEDS my help to get the D? or something else?



Again - - the Goddess isn't feeling that he's CHARMED by me, even though he SHOULD be!




THIS part I DO understand.

I just have let in that feeling that he WANTS and NEEDS this because my M is truly over.

It feels today like he will be with OW and I'll have to just face her being Step Mom to my DD and WIFE to my H. THAT is the SICK feeling.

It's just getting tough fighting that fight today.

That's your MISTAKE...NOT EXPECTING IT OUT OF HIM...He's STANDARD WS...

I used to conceive of my H as being like DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE..after he was NICE, I prepared myself for MR. MEAN..

MR. MEAN comes after being with the HO..but when he was NICE..it was REAL...no doubt about the REALNESS of that MOMENT IN TIME with you..trying to FEED you..to NURTURE YOU...but you are right, it was just a MOMENT IN TIME..until the affair is completely over...but do not downplay the significance of that evening...in PLAN B, he will definitely RECALL all the special MOMENTS that he has had with you and will MISS YOU..as hard as he tries to wipe those MEMORIES away, HE CANNOT..that's what FRUSTRATES HIM...



I mean he wants you to RELIEVE him of his CONFUSION..He wants you to be LESS DESIRABLE, ATTRACTIVE AND LOVABLE..

He wants you to MAKE LEAVING YOU....EASIER FOR HIM TO DO...

I see your H as acting no differently at all than mine did and MY MARRIAGE CERTAINLY ISN'T OVER...so there's no need to be TOTALLY PESSIMISTIC....

PLAN A then PLAN B...then let's talk your marriage being over...you haven't even done PLAN B yet...and I'm a BELIEVER in a two year PLAN B...



So it may be time for PLAN B...

But certainly there is no reason for you to go to the place of thinking of the HO as being their stepmother..you are a LONG WAYS FROM THAT..unless you give up and HAND HIM OVER TO HER ON A PLATTER!!!

AND WOULDN'T THAT MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM!!!

Mimi,

thanks for the pep talk, the clarifications, and the reminder about the TIME this will take.



I Agree,,,, he is No different!

I am usually NOT this pessimistic! I think my moving forward with the LSA is getting to me. I spent time this am writing up the "division of assets",,,,,makes me sad.

It is kind of scary. I know it's right. I know am where I need to let him go,,,,, to give him the chance to return to me it is the Only way.


I need to get BACK to focusing on MYSELF! Being the GODDESS for ME and my DD!!!

I'm off to my appt and then stopping by Borders for that book!

Well, LSA is in the works.

A couple of weeks and expect the fireworks to begin.

WS will be VERY angry it is not a D, that it is not with 1 lawyer, and that I put in for DD to have no contact with OW

Have kids 2nite so gotta run

Morning & Happy Friday!

First for the 'good' parts,,,,(I guess)

WS called earlier in the evening. He was "out getting some dinner". I don't ask where or with who. I did ask "what's for dinner"

WS - "Prime Rib"

Oh,,,, Prime Rib? The guy who is "living pay check to pay check is eating Prime Rib????? No wonder he is Broke!

DD shared some 'boy' stories with him. quite the kindergarten drama of boyfriends/girlfriends,,,,,,, which drives WS crazy when it comes to his baby girl.

I sent him a TM later - I said something about DD's comment about one of the boys NOT being cute AND that she wants to get some thong underwear like mine

This am he talked to DD. As soon as he got on with me he says" I don't think I need to know about DD wanting to get thong underwear,,,,that's not right,,,,,and knowing that you are wearing it now too,,,,,I don't need to know"

He was sounding half serious, half joking. So, I went with the joking theme and just went on about how funny DD was about it last night.



Now for the bad parts,,,,,


Last night kids & I were playing cards. DSS called me MOM.

He has always called me "Bugs". He would only REFER to me as Mom when talking about me to other people. He's Never called me Mom,,,,, as in "Hey Mom, can I have another ice cream?"

DD said something to him about it, as SHE recognized it not being normal for him. I immediately jumped in and told them both (as I always have), DSS can call me Mom, Mommy, Mother, Mama, Mommy Dearest,,,,, whatever.

I have always left it up to him and what he feels comfortable with.

He called me that 3 or 4 times throughout the evening. .

This poor baby boy!

THEN

DD was drawing pictures. She brought it over to show me. It was a picture of a Broken Heart. I asked her what it was. She told me. I asked, why did you draw a broken heart?

DD - Because My heart is breaking

I asked her to tell me about it,,,,why is it breaking?

DD - Because you and Daddy are apart and are getting a D.

AGAIN,,,,,,,I held it together. I did my best to be reassuring without making false promises. I just spoke in terms of how much we both love her.

I held it together and then cried hard after they were in bed. My Poor Babies are hurting and I can't fix it! UGGHH!!

I just got off the phone with WS's lawyer friend, talking about my ticket.

WS had told me that this guy would want to talk about our "personal" life,,,,but he didn't say what he'd told this guy.

No big surprise - this guy was lead to believe that I WANT the divorce!

We talked for a while,,,, he wants to HELP us. He agrees that this is NOT the thing to do.

He even called me back again - - asking me to come over and talk to him because he wants to help

I know that it is doubtful that anything he says to WS will make it thru to him,,,, but there is a chance. It is good to have support from someone willing to step up to the plate!

Gotta run,,,,

Remember..be leery of these "guys who want to HELP you"...

Mimi,

Thx for the reminder,,, In this case it is husband AND wife together wanting to help! BOTH are very PRO marriage,,,and have been very open with WS in the past that they have their problems like everyone else but that a good M takes work.

I was wondering to myself,,,,, WS KNEW that this guy would pry about what's going on.

WS KNEW what he had said - That I want the D and am fine with it all

WS KNEW I would contradict that story,,,, that i would tell him what I've told everyone else I do NOT want a D

Then WHY did WS want me to talk to him?

Why not ask him?

Why not ask him why he told XX that you wanted a divorce?
Clear him up on the fact that you WILL contradict and correct the lies he is telling.

So if he doesn't want people knowing he is having an affair and leaving his family....then he should probably keep his mouth shut. Because you will not allow your integrity to be harmed keeping his secrets.

No Lovebuster -- just your truth.

DSS....awwwwwwwwwwww. Melts your heart. You are his mom. In every way.

Find a way for those kiddos to express their feelings to WH. This is one of the biggest consequences he needs to face. Maybe family counseling?

Lexxx,

Thx for boiling it down so well.

I just spoke with WS. Needed to ask for insurance agent name/number = have to change coverage.

WS - "so, this is going to cost ME more money!"

Bug- "no, it will cost ME more money"

WS - I AM the one that pays the insurance"

Bugs-"yes, and i will pay you to cover any additional on this change"

He asked ME about XX's inquiring on our personal life.

Bugs - "He asked me why I wanted a divorce and I told him I didn't want a D." I said this very calmly, no accusatory sound to my voice, just matter of fact.

WS - "I never said that."

Bugs - "Well, for whatever reason he had the impression that D was what I wanted, so I just told him that I didn't. You know, X, he is just concerned about you"

WS starts talking over me while I am talking - "well call me if you need anything" and hung up.

So,,,,,,,,,,,,no surprise on the denial by WS. I didn't expect anything but that.

I just don't 'get it' why he'd be upset when he Knew how the conversation was going to go.

My 'guess' is that instead of WS seeing it as consistent, loving behavior from me, it is a BAD BAD thing. I am yet again making him out to be the BAD guy and trying to turn people against him and not UNDERSTANDING him. So he can now throw this back on me that I don't understand him and am trying to STOP him from getting what he wants.

Frustrating that anything I do in trying to save our M only results in Anger & Resentment from WS. Everyone one of these conversations is helping him build his momentum to proceed with filing the D. I know him well enough to be pretty sure about that.

Hoping my LSA will get filed first. I will have to ask my attorney what happens if I file LSA and WS files D at the same time. Then what??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I do plan on talking to WS about counseling. I have a hard time finding the right way to bring up the kids having issues with him,,,,, as he automatically gets defensive and acts like I am trying to manipulate HIM thru them. NOT the case, but is the WS interpretation of it, unfortunately.

Thx again.