:fingers in my ears:

LALALALALALALLALALALLALAL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Morning All!

Not much sleep last night. My brain just wouldn't shut off.

Yet, this morning I am thinking that despite my pain, I am doing well with Plan A right now.

When WS called on my way home to ask me to have DSS for dinner,,,, I was so happy & upbeat.

I made the commernt that I was sure that "He was Amazing & WOWing everyone at work with his Superior ability to turn around a difficult situation." WS asked why I was so HAPPY and what drugs I was on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just said, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day.

I didn't LB, or get the uptight voice when he called a bit later to say that he'd be even LATER and asked that I take DSS to FIL after dinner.

I can't say that I'm meeting a Specific EN,,,, maybe it's just that WH believes I am now going along with what he WANTS - - But the way he opened up again to me last night in our 20 minute conversation says I've done something that makes him want to at least talk to me more.

So,,,,,,,,I can do this just a LITTLE while longer.

I hope!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You keep up that great attitude and you'll be running for miles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good for you!

I almost forgot,,,,,,,,,,,this funny that I told WH about this am.

He was talking about the 'hoosier' rural area where we live in relation to something that happened at DSS school. (no offense to my Indiana HOOSIER friends, 2 different things!)

I said - "Hey, I KNOW that kids Dad! Yes! I saw him yesterday in the parking lot at Walmart. He drove across the end of 2 rows of parking and yelled out his window at me"

WS - "what did he say"

Bugs - "well, I wasn't sure he was talking to me at first until he waved, because he said HEY,,,, NICE RACK!"

WS acted all appalled and then asked of the kids were with me when it happened. I KNOW it shocked his sense of good taste! NOT!!!!

I LMAO when it happened!!! Was it totally in bad taste, yes,,,,,,,,but it was SO bad it was funny!! Best REAL laugh I've had in a while.

He's worried about the kids' sense of morality? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If I may be so bold as to quote the wisdom of Pep - -

EGG ZACT LEE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Remember,,,,,,,,,he isn't committing Adultery???!!!

Gee Mimi,,,, sounds like you are living on the same Alien Planet that he thinks I live on!

Too bad his Moral Compass is so messed up that he doesn't realize HE is the one on the other planet!

I asked this am who was going on camping trip this weekend

WH would only say he 'hasn't decided' yet about the HO. He would not say WHEN he will decide which I am not supposed to be smart enough to figure out means she is going?

I am sitting here in mu car crying!

I asked him calmly --"WS, DD is NOT ready for this! I am asking respectfully that u do not do this right now"

I got the babble how DD will not know they are any thing but friends and how he would never do anything to harm his kids yada yada

It is one thing to kill my soul-but how can he think this is OK. He agreed she is smart and he KNOWS she will figure it out!

God I hate him right now!

You must certainly know that I EMPATHIZE with YOUR PAIN, Bugsy...Keep it INSIDE...

NOW is the time to STOP the BEGGING, PLEADING and RATIONALIZING with him.

Bottom line: TELL HIM "NO, SHE IS NOT GOING WITH YOU ON THE CAMPING TRIP THIS WEEKEND"...I would tell him.."OVER MY DEAD BODY"...Don't let him cross this boundary with you...You will gain his UTMOST RESPECT...He may not "LIKE YOU"..he may even be ENRAGED with you..but he will RESPECT YOU...THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS...

TIME TO BE MAMA BEAR GODDESS...

THE LORD IS WITH YOU....

Make some other plans for YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER....

so sorry ((bugs))

I agree with Mimi. If your radar tells you the HO is going, then DD is not.

WH called my cell while I was on the phone with a customer,,,,,,,,,,,,No message. I don't want to call him back.

Right now I just want to go get DD and run away to the Islands! She loves Kenny Chesney,,, he lives there,,,maybe he'll take us in!

None of this is funny,,,, but I gotta do something to pull myself together to deal with this.

What is WRONG with these people? Either one of them?

I know it is easy for them to try to twist this as being about MY pain over this,,,,but even I can put that aside to look at the Best Interest of DD.

Why can't they?

Because they can ONLY think of themselves.

You simply cannot understand the power of his ability to twist and justify and ignore.

Somewhere deep inside he knows he is causing pain to you, but he doesn't think about it -- he pushes it out of his mind.

And of course he knows divorce harms kids. But you wouldn't believe how many sources there are that will help him feel "good" about doing it -- or at least "ok".

Your feelings are not a consideration to him whatsoever. That might hurt to hear, but you need to stop trying to understand him! You will never get into the mind of WH -- NOR DO YOU WANT TO.

Just work your plan, and stop worrying about what he's thinking.

Lexxxy,

My expression of What could they be thinking wasn't that I am really trying to understand,,,,,, but more an expression of EXASPERATION in having to deal with such selfish A-holes.

I called him back - left vm. He just called me.

Started out Mr. Nice Guy - - chatting about an car insurance change we made,,, how it wasn't expensive at all,,,,,,,,,,

Then switched to talk about friends of ours who had a baby yesterday. These were "his friends" who became our friends when we got together. He was NOT aware that I have continued to have contact with them.

Last night when DD told him on the phone that I knew about the new baby,,,, he was very taken aback. He wanted to know from me how I knew. I told him the new mommy called me. His voice was strange "oh, well good. that's good"

Now again on the phone he brought it up,,,wanted to know if I knew before or after the birth and some other stuff. He said he hadn't told me anything yesterday as he didn't know about it,,,, he'd talked to the dad BEFORE the actual birth.

So,,, I think I found out BEFORE him is the issue. Whatever!! Nice for HIM to feel on the OUTSIDE for a change!

Back to him,,,,,,,,,,He finally brings up that he wants us to Talk Tonight, FACE TO FACE,,,, These are not things we should be discussing over the phone.

My response was "that's fine".

He was hesitant,,,,,,and then says "Well you have a fantastic day" (which has been one of MY lines recently to him!)

He OBVIOUSLY has some sort of PLAN for this talk.

I'm not trying to understand, but PREPARE for what this talk may bring.

I am thinking 1 of 2 things

1. He is taking the HO and is going to tell me too bad it's just the way it is

OR

2. he is going to use it as "leverage" to try to move the D forward.

Either way, I stand firm that DD should NOT be around the HO - PERIOD - END OF STORY

If it is #2,,,,,, I need a little more preparation.

Of course the response starts with the mantra.

I want you. I want our marriage. I want us to walk the path together

I am sorry for the things I've done in the past that were not good for you & our Marriage. We can have a better M in which we are BOTH happier & more fulfilled than ever.

I was resentful, angry and disrespectful and I am sorry. I see how to put those things aside, to work thru the future to a great marriage. We can do this together.

HOWEVER

I intend to LET him believe I will cooperate moving forward. My LSA will be filed with the court no later than Monday, so unless he's already filed for the D, I WILL have been truthful (just not in the way that he expects).

So,,,,,,,,,am I crazy here? Way off the mark?

OK..time for YOUR TALK!!

You are going to be IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT!!

PLAN WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY... regardless of what he says....

In fact, it doesn't matter what he says..because mostly what he will be saying is BULL CRAP..JUSTIFICATIONS..FOG TALK....

Let's see: Basically, IN YOUR OWN EMPOWERED WORDS, let him know that YOU do not do DIVORCE..that this is HIS CHOICE...he can come home and work on the marriage with you, stop his AFFAIR..OR you will now "SET HIM FREE"..that you will AGREE to a LSA.. TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER FROM HIM..part of that AGREEMENT WILL INCLUDE NO CONTACT BETWEEN THE OW AND YOUR DAUGHTER..just like there will be NO CONTACT BETWEEN THEM THIS WEEKEND...

When you WANT ME BACK, ending your AFFAIR, the LSA will become NULL AND VOID....

PERIOD..that's it.."Have a nice day, WS"...

You will WOW HIM...YOU WILL BE ALL GODDESSY, BOLD, CALM YET ASSERTIVE....

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Think of this as HIS CHANCE TO WIN YOU..a SPECIAL PRIZE..before you throw him out to the WOLVES....during PLAN B...

Your PLAN B may need to begin earlier as he is wanting to ENDANGER YOUR DAUGHTER...

I'm on board with this.

I've taken 1/2 day vacation today anyway,,,, so I am going to use this afternoon to fuel the GODDESS and get prepared for this.



This was PERFECT! Exactly what I needed to be able to visualize how this is going to go!



Most Definately!!

I only have on concern at this point - - which is bringing up the LSA before it has actually been filed.

Does it make sense to tip my hand?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm definitely not sure about the logistics of this.

What would be THE HARM?

Won't he feel "RELIEVED" at this point?

Won't he "THINK" that you are going along with HIS PLANS for you to be FRIENDS?

This gives you the opportunity to make it CLEAR that you are doing this for your PROTECTION from HIM..and NOT BECAUSE you are WANTING A DIVORCE....

that you are "SETTING HIM FREE"..TO RETURN..ON HIS OWN...

Bugs:

Good luck tonight.

LG

Thx everyone

Am waiting to tan right now so I will be in full Goddess mode

I will 'listen' to what he has to say and then state the facts to him

I do not plan on saying specifically that I will file LSA - but only that I am ready to move this forward

I will NOT engage in a big back and forth, especially on DD and the Ho.

I plan to have him meet me somewhere besides the house. This way I am not pinned down when I am ready to go


Am nervous but feeling pretty strong right now

Ths for the support!

First, I talked to my lawyer and there is nothing I can do about him taking the kids this weekend with OW. If I take her and refuse visitation on our established schedule, I risk long term effects in court.

So, going into the talk, I knew just how far I could push, unfortunately. It was then left to try to “reason” with the unreasonable alien.


WH started with a long drawn out explanation of the setup/plan for the camping trip. It involves friends of HIS, friends of the OW, and lots of kids. All individual tents, they won’t be acting as “an item” yada yada yada.

I gave him the run down of WHY it is wrong for the kids, especially for DD. It was going NO WHERE. I finally told him that everything I have learned and read about the effects of separation/divorce on children shows how this is WRONG.

DD needs TIME to adjust to this. Right now, she hasn’t even adjusted to the separation. Even if they “act like friends” now,,,,, easing her “into knowing her”, she will STILL know in the long run that OW was OW.

As adults we don’t always see the effects of OUR actions long term on the kids. That by doing this he is RISKING his R with HIS DD long term because HE doesn’t want to give HER the time SHE needs. It’s not a risk I as a parent would take.

I finally got the BULLSH*T sob story that he CAN’T change the plans,,,, to many people involved, and all that CRAP. I told him that SHE then shouldn’t go. He thought I meant DD. I told him that if OW cared about him, then she should care about his kids and not go.

OHHHH NOOOOO,,, she’s bringing all of these other people.

I told him about DD’s breaking heart picture the other night. He rolled his eyes.

I told him, “You see, that is why I didn’t mention it to you before. You are sitting there assuming that I am trying to manipulate this,,,, I would never do that when it comes to the kids. NEVER”

His reply was DD never acts that way around him. I had to explain to him that is because she is trying to make HIM happy,,,,,,,,,,,,,so that he will want to come HOME! DUH! Of course she’s not going to act sad because that might make Daddy sad, and then not only will he not want to come home, he might leave her forever TOO!!

God he is so CLUELESS!!



You will love this next line –

WH “After this weekend I PROMISE this won’t happen again”

I said nothing.

WH – “really, I know you don’t believe me but I promise”

Bugs – “Yes, I remember you promised after the FIRST incident, too. You didn’t tell the truth then, either”


Early in the conversation, I gave my Mantra – Love you, come home, work this out, better marriage. I told him he’d said he couldn’t come back because of OW, then there was something there. If he would quit seeing her, we could have that work into a beautiful marriage.

I got the reply – “I told you I left because it was over. Yes, I said I wasn’t coming back because I was involved with someone. But, even if I wasn’t involved, I wouldn’t come back because it will NEVER work”

My answer was that I wasn’t here to argue about it or ask for explanations from him. I needed to tell him how I felt, not argue about it.

Bugs – “you have made up your mind. That is your choice. Let’s just get this done,. I will work on your ‘list’ this weekend and let’s move this on”

WH is somewhat aghast – “well, you will be getting your papers on Friday, I’ve filed”

Bugs – “When did that happen, and when did you plan to tell me?”

WH – “I have been working with a lawyer for a month, I TOLD you,,,, I’d been waiting for you to work with me on this and he’s been charging me out the a**. We’ve put together an OFFER that WE feel is VERY fair”

Bugs – “Is this something you filed with the court or something you just put together with your lawyer?”

WH – “Something I put together with my lawyer”

Bugs – “Well when will I have it?”

WH – “Hopefully Friday”

OK,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I also got a speech about how I should “Allow him to live his life with his daughter without problems or interference” He referenced my not wanting her to go to the lake with them because of Daddy’s new friends. It made him look BAD. I simply said, yes it did.

I simply reminded him that I haven’t “interfered”. In fact, I have been quite kind in talking in a loving manner about him to both kids. If I wanted to TWIST him around in that way I certainly COULD. I then just sat silent.

WH –“I know you could”

He also mentioned about how we need to not have every conversation be a WAR. I said I didn’t think we’d been at WAR. Are we are WAR now? (as I was VERY, VERY, calm)

He said no, but we could be after this weekend.

I said yes, we could. However, WH, you need to stop making Assumptions about me.

He then suddenly had to GO. Heaven forbid he acknowledge anything about me, my conduct, the REALITY!!

So, no I can’t protect DD this weekend, but I didn’t LOSE it with WH.

Fact is He KNEW when he put this weekend together EXACTLY what was going to happen. He didn’t care about anyone or anything.

His act of contrition,,,,, acting like he felt bad,,,,,the BULLSH*T LIE of promising it won’t happen again was nothing but an ACT. I almost Hate him for it all. Almost.

There’s just a bit of love left in my bank that keeps me from going over that Edge.

However, I am ready to let him go. I don’t need this horrible WH in my life. It’s time for me to get some healing started and I can’t do that while interacting with him.

He’s gotta go.

Bugs:

That doesn't make sense to me.

You DO NOT HAVE A LSA yet so there's nothing you are legally bound to do.

ARE YOU GOING TO LET YOUR DAUGHTER GO???

JUST SAY NO TO HIM, BUGS.

You need a lawyer that supports your interests. That's the last that lawyer would see of me.



YES YOU CAN, BUGS...

See another lawyer or something...

Bugs:

I'm having an EXTREME REACTION to this. It comes from what LA and I refer to as MY INNER CHILD, the little girl inside of me that was left in the hands of an entitled, addicted parent and who WAS NOT PROTECTED by my other parent whom I also now see as NARCISSISTIC even though not addicted...So some of this is MY STUFF...and I know it's MY OLD STUFF because I want to FIGHT OR FLIGHT. I want to YELL at you or either RUN AWAY and NEVER VISIT YOUR THREAD AGAIN.

This being said...I've got to do some work..and I'll be back later...

Sorry....