Hi, i was catching up on your thread...WOW, I am so sorry that you have having to do this but I think that you are doing a wonderful job and I'm SURE that you will be able to pull off the positive note...

YOU ARE really a STRONG woman...such an encouragement to all of us!

Maintain your class and you've got it covered! I have faith in you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let me reply in order here - -

Mimi, you brought tears to my eyes (in a good way)


I firmly believe that God has been at work in this. I feel so blessed to know that we have been able to GIVE and RECEIVE from one another.


Lexxy -

I did talk to DD yesterday. She DOES know that Daddy's friend not just a friend, and that it is not RIGHT to have a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" while you are married.

I explained to her that I am very upset with Daddy because he knew I did not want her to be around the OW, that Daddy had promised he would not do that and that Daddy broke his promise.

I explained to her that while I am so mad at Daddy, that I am not going to talk to him. I do not want to be mean or fight with Daddy, so it's better for right now that I do not talk to him.

We also talked about how we can not like what someone does. That someone's actions can be wrong, but that we do not stop loving them. Just like when she misbehaves. I don't like when she misbehaves, but I still LOVE her.

Daddy's actions have hurt me terribly. What he is doing is wrong, but it is OK to still Love him, as I do and she can/should as well because he loves her very much, too.


LG,

You are the Plan A voice in my head. The little Plan A angel sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, asking me, "Is this how you want to go out of Plan A?"

Again, Plan B can not be done at the wrong time, in REACTION to WH or it will be viewed as punishment. There's no doubt in my mind.

Look at how he (and every other WH) twists reality already? I see/hear that MOST WH view Plan B as punishment no matter HOW it is implemented, but WHY give ANY justification, even ever so slight, to that thought? After all the hard work of Plan A, it would be a crucial error.



We BOTH saw this one as important. He HATES my silence already and it's been less than 24 hours.

Deep down he KNOWS what he did was WRONG. My not giving him the opportunity to JUSTIFY his actions to me. Not allowing him to "SHOW ME" how this wasn't wrong is driving him nuts.

Further, the fact that I have SAID nothing to point out how wrong he is is ALSO killing him. He's waiting/hoping for that big JUDGEMENT/ANGER/OUTBURST from Old Bugs.

For him, the silence is deafening. He is left with his own thoughts. No matter how he tried to push blame on me, inside the silence, he is forced to see the reality. He won't ADMIT it, but it's there.

I have a plan that is coming together,,,,,,,,,I'll return in a bit to let you in on it! I think it's going to be good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

We crossed over each other.



WOW - - a simple thanks seems so small in comparison to this wonderful compliment.

I have to tell you, your use of the word CLASS is very meaningful to me.

I have said from the beginning of this that no matter what happens, if I can always say that that I held my head high and conducted myself with CLASS, then I will be able to look back on this time and be OK.

My Mom & Grandmother (who is 96) are VERY classy ladies, I look up to them, and have all my life. I feel very PROUD to have anyone decribe me with that word, so thanks so much!!

You are more than welcome...I understand that feeling and wante the same for myself...

I think that is SOOO important from our standpoint!

It must be in your BLOOD then! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, Rin, consider your mission accomplished. You are definately in my estimation, a classy lady! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok all, here's the plan.

A co-worker/friend of mine has an invitation she can not use to a Pre-opening of a kid's pizza/play place. Free pizza and games tomorrow night.

She works in the same office as WH and gave him the invite to give to me to take the kids.

I am going to either forward her email to WH and ask him to go with us OR ask him later over the phone. Probably over the phone would be more effective.

My intention is just to ask him to go with us. As in, "Do you have that invitation from X? How about you meet us there?" and leave it at that.

Wh accepts, great! WH declines, I will have executed a Plan A manuver.

If WH presses about OUR interation, I simply say, "I don't want a big discussion. Let's just put everything aside for right now and let the kids have a great time."

For now, I still need time to work out how I am going to address the weekend event. I won't be forced into discussing it before I am ready.

I did send the email to WH about him never being denied access to talk to DD. I simply put at the beginning, you need to review and consider these facts. I included the timeline of how he HAS been able to talk to her ALWAYS. I kept the line that I did not deserve his negative message. I left it at that.

He read it an hour ago. I've had no reply from him, and do not expect one via email. No response means he is chewing on it because he KNOWS I am right.

He's going to try to use it to engage me in a conversation later. He may even apologize,,,,,use the "I'm being nice" ploy to engage me in a conversation about the OW deal.

Not gonna happen. As Mimi & Lexxxy have reminded me SO many times, no one can FORCE me to talk about anything. It will only happen if I LET it.

So,,,,,,,,,,,,weigh in here, thoughts, ideas? ? ?

You are going to blow his mind. He is expecting a big confrontation. He is expecting to justify himself with your anger.

You are going to absolutely blow him away with NO CONFRONTATION and cold, calm, simple truth.

You keep everything to BIG PICTURE.
He's going to try to minimize it to the little battle.
He's going to try to fight with you about Saturday night.
Stay on your high ground. He's going to try to get you to agree that no "harm" was done to her Saturday night. He is unwilling to look at the big picture of how divorce will scar her forever. You need to be just as unwilling to give up ground on Saturday night....

I SOOOOO AGREE with Lexx....

What's most important, IMO, is for you to focus on STATING YOUR TRUTH...

This will NOT BE A CONVERSATION...

I'm encouraging you NOT TO LISTEN TO HIM....

ALL..ABSOLUTELY ALL THAT HE WILL SAY WILL BE BULLCRAP FOGTALK....meant to justify his actions..

What he will say will not be out of CARE OF CONCERN for your daughter...

THE MAIN PRIORITY IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW IS THE CRACK and making the DRUG PRODUCER HAPPY!!!

Yes, I do think he's going to be surprised.



This is It Exactly. In fact, I've decided that very few words will be necessary. He KNOWS where I stand on this, so to go into the little details is not necessary.



Right again!

I simply state AGAIN what I've said before. Nothing new.

To quote Joe Friday "Just the facts Madam"

Need your opinion --- - I want to ALSO say this, but am thinking too much LB in this one??


" WH, you wanted to "Show me" something. I will tell you what you "showed" me; that you can look me right in the eye time and time again and lie to me. You have always been a man of your word, but now I can not trust that to be true. "

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Yep..leave this part out.

JUST STATE YOUR FACTS and DON'T REACT TO ANYTHING THAT HE HAS EVER SAID...like "showing" you something....HIS WORDS DON'T EXIST FOR YOU....

Not a LB in my opinion.

Its not disrespectful -- its truthful.
Its not an angry outburst -- its delivered calmly.
Its not educating him -- he knows he lied.

I think you can go a lot further with statements like these. Shine the light!

A bit of disagreement with you Lexx, my dear...

I think she would sound PREACHY..

Probably a lot like the OLD BUGS that he wants her to turn back into...

even though it's the truth, it doesn't matter to him...he won't be listening...

I think you are both right, in a way.

The WAY in which I worded it IS the old PREACHY Bugs. THAT is what WH would hear.

However it IS the truth. So, IF it seems right in the conversation, it would be better stated in a different way.

"WH, putting the details of our disageement aside, I have to tell you that another part of this is the HURT and DISAPPOINTMENT I feel having you look me in the eye and lie to me about this over and over again. That's not the man I know you to be. You are a man of your word"

You see, this is why I need to run this all thru FIRST and PRACTICE.

It's not always WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.

Anyone have a thought on the alternative above?

I like this better..

But what is the POINT of saying it?

Do you think your HURT AND DISABPPOINTMENT matters to HIM?

Mimi,




No, he does not CARE - the only POINT of saying it is to state it as my TRUTH. Plan A, being HONEST about the HURT.

I expect NO remorse or change in WH because of it.

Ok. I hear you, Bugsy.

Well, spent some time getting organized for Plan B implementation.

I changed the billing address on all my credit cards, bank accounts,hotel reward cards, and frequent flier accounts.

I sent email to the HR dept at work to get my payroll and benefits address changed.

Glad MY HR dept is different that the LOCAL HR dept, so WH will not have any opportunity to know about any of this in advance.

Slowly, I progress.

Bugs:

Leave it at this:

HURT and DISAPPOINTMENT I feel having you look me in the eye and lie to me about this. That's not the man I know you to be.

And Mimi's right, to paraphrase Orchid: Your hurt means nothing to a WS.

Really no reason to tell him.

Tell him this:

In spite of everything else, I think the lawn looks terriffic. I really hated riding that old mower and I think FIL shouldn't be in the sun...

THAT'S Plan A.

LG

LOL!!! I really love this place....

Ohhhhh,,,,,, LG!

There YOU are again!!

Pushing that Plan A,,,,,,,,,,challenging me to do and be more Plan A like!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I won't promise that I can be THAT good. I'll TRY to keep that nice suggestion in the back of my brain and TRY to remember to pull it out.

I WILL however, commit to not kicking him between the legs?? That's good for Plan A, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Seriously,,,,,thanks for the reminder to meet some needs if I am still in Plan A!

BE THE GIVER for now! Not the doormat, just the giver!

Wow Bugs! I just caught up on everything and was shocked! I was certain things were gonna go differently!! I am so sorry.

On another happy note for you...your post is definitly teaching me a lot. Thank you.