My first marriage, 10 years, no kids(I had 5 miscarriages), musician husband who never wanted to grow up, dabbled off and on with drugs, left me a couple of times, always denied affairs. I'd had enough and walked away.

My Ex is happily remarried with 2 stepsons and a 1 yr old son of his own.

Wh's ex hasn't been around in 4 or 5 years. They D's when DSS was 2. She just walked away and he filed. She is drug abuser, drinker, loser. Hasn't seen DSS in 5 years. No call, no cards, nothing. We don't even know where she is. She is not an issue.

Nope, I don't talk about OW that much. She's not really THE issue to deal with right now.

WH just called my cell and says "Hey I just heard some news on the radio and thought you'd want to know. Guess who is replacing Celine Deone at Caesar's Palace?

Bugs =" No idea,,,, Prince?" (his all time favorite singer)

Wh - "nope Cher"

We chatted for a bit about the "news", VERY friendly. We stayed at Caesar's together a couple of years ago and saw John Mellencamp in concert at the MGM.

He mentioned that a "girl trip" out there to see Cher would be fun for me. I've always talked about a girl trip, but haven't taken one. He's done several guy trips.

I said something about how great it would be to plan a trip out there again and see both Prince and Cher,,,,,meaning the 2 of us, but I didn't specifically say it that way. He said it would be neat.

The He started to go. I said, "wait, wait,,,, how's your day looking?"

WH_"Well, right now pretty good, but you know anything could happen"

Bugs - "well, knock on my head, it keeps up that way and you can meet us tonight!"

Wh - "well, the earliest on a Good Tues is 6:30"

Bugs - "well then we'll keep our fingers crossed for that time!"

That was it.


Now, while the conversation seemed like one with the H,,,,,,,All of you OH SO SMART MBers out there.

Who can tell me WHY WH called? I mean the REAL reason???
scroll down
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Give up?
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To see if I was at my office to he can HAVE ME SERVED!!

Anyone want to take bets on it?

I was in the car, btw, on my way back from IC.

It's just my gut on this, but I'd lay $100 that's it.

And you know what,,,, I"m not upset! I can't believe it either!

Gotta go scrub on that tattoo that WH thinks I have on my forehead,,,,, you know the one that reads STUPID!! ha! When will he learn that i may be many things, but Stupid is NOT one of them!!

oh you are GOOD!

And of course, you are NOT there....hehehe.

Bugs,

You're a smart woman.... I couldn't even guess.

Still

Bugs:

Say you were on the phone when the Process Server showed up.

Would you:

Freak?
Run to another office to hide?
Sign the paper and continue talking to the WH in a calm voice?

My bet was on #3.

And that would just KILL your WH.

This could become very interesting however. I am about to propose something that is not Plan A and will make WH crazy. H will be annoyed, but less so. Look how pleasant H was when he needs to KNOW exactly where you are at. You can play on that in Plan A. And get some good interactions. ANd boy does he look stupid later....

Do not give him too much advance notice of where you are.

For tonight? He knows. He can advise the server to go to XXX at 6:45 and serve you.

Your stuck in that case. Give the Process server a Kiss, and say Thank You!, it will get back to WH....

But you need to really vary your routine now.

Each time the process server attempts, it is $$$ to WH.

The WH had to give the process server your picture, address, workplace etc, and places you like to go. So, you need to vary that routine. Go to friends for dinner for a couple of nights. Stay out a little later. Tough for Server to get into your workplace. Security/etc. Let the front desk person know that you are NOT accepting any unannouced/scheduled visitors, and then give them the list of who is visiting you.

Next, when he calls, fishing for where you are....

Tell him you are at Nordstroms. Buying....??? No Nordstoms? then Victorias Secret... Heck, say Home Depot if you think it will work.

Turn the GPS Locater off on your cell phone.

Turn your office phone to Voice Mail.

Make yourself available, but make it difficult for WH to TELL EXACTLY where you are.

Process Server cannot go on to your private property, I believe. Anyone else out there who knows, please correct me. They can knock on your door, but they cannot go into your backyard. They can go anyplace they can see from the street, to a fence, etc, but...

Process Server can also nail it to your front door, just depends on the type. Any legal eagles out there?

Borrow a friends car. So you can drop off DD at school in the morning and the Server isn't looking for your car. Use a different one for a couple of days.

SUNGLASSES!

Ok.

This can be a true PIA. You can just get past it. Let the event happen and go from there.

No response to WH. When he asks about it, after he has been informed that it happened, you just say that you signed and sent it to your attorney. He/She is handling it. Which will take about three days to get back to WH.

That will KILL Him.

So, choose to have some fun at WH expense. And then end it when it gets to be a PIA. Your choice. And I think you will do a terriffic job any way you go.

This is me being feisty.

LG

Lg,,,,

Oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE those ideas!

As a matter of fact, my office phone rang a bit ago and I did not answer. Funny,,,, no message??

AND

Wh apparently can't think of another excuse to call and check on me right now.

Truth is, as much FUN as it would be to play those games, I really don't have the time or energy for them.

I may do a few things if it's easy. But you know one big thing I've remembered & re-learned since coming here?

It is BEST to FACE this all Straight on!

If I had done MORE of that EARLIER, my sitch might be a little different right now. Maybe not. I won't worry myself down the woulda/coulda/shoulda path, but it is true.



Now THAT sounds like my style right there!





I must be on a good roll, because this is Exactly what I plan to do!! Talk about great minds thinking alike! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I am going to send WH an email right before I leave the office. I am leaving a bit early for the plans with the kids tonight. Maybe he'll think I"m still here and send the server over!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'll try to update after the Pizza night!

Anyone making wagers on if WH will show or not?

I give odds 10% chance yes, 90% chance NO.

Either way, Bugs and the kids are going to have a BLAST!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Til later!

Bugs:

I asked about prior M's for a reason.

So Sorry to hear about the Miscarriages.

But you have your Wonderful DD now!

I was looking for a pattern in WH behavior.

Married to 1st wife. She was a project. Someone to be reclaimed. And he was not able to do it. He may have grown up and 1st W did not.
But he hung in for 5-6-7 years.

He finds Bugs. Bugs may need some help, but WH respects that Bugs can make her own decisions and has it all together, even after the destruction of her first M. And your H was a project as well, who did grow up. Albeit too late.

And this wears on WH after a while. HE can't help her!

And then OW shows up. She needs help. WH can DO THAT. He wanted to!

But there are cracks in this. Bugs has shown him these cracks, this new Bugs.

But WH is stuck. He made a committment to OW. Stupid as it sounds.

And therefore, Plan A has got him completly discombobulated. Because his reasons are gone. And the worse he gets, the sweeter you are.

So, Plan B? will just completely rock his world.

The lawn will get mowed. DD will have a safe and secure home. Bugs will provide for her family, tattered by WH actions, but stronger and better.

And WH gets to rebuild another W. Which he has failed at before. And will fail with the next one.

Sad really.

Or. He does the right thing. Chooses a REAL life. Accepts his own mistakes, apologizes for them, and corrects them.

And then you will be the big winner.

All the best, Bugs.

You are the PLAN A Goddess. A crown you will not wear for very long...

But, we just remove the Plan A part of the Crown. It doesn't remove the Crown.

LG

Bugs:

No WH if he tipped off the Process Server.

Would be great if he did show and so did the Process Server.

The kiss at that point in front of WH? Priceless!

So, have fun tonight.

LG

LG -

You got it right on the first try!

WH is VERY much about being the HERO. I know that is what drew him to OW. He told me as much. Unfortunately, they were way entangled by this time and I hadn't found MB yet.



As much as this hurts, I have come to understand it to be the truth.



Can't argue with you there,,,, at least for the most part!



From your lips to God's ears!!

Your description of the 2 possible outcomes is right on the mark as well. I know EITHER of them may become a reality.



I accept the Crown for my brief tenure, thank you!

The Crown, sans the Plan A, Will remain in place. I will be the Goddess Mother to my DD. I will be the Goddess Sales rep at my work. I will be the Goddess for Myself!

Thanks LG.

Off to send email to WH and am outta here for now!

Standing in line for pizza place.

DD called Wh and he IS coming!

OMG!

Will ck bk ltr!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

YEAH!

Warning – This is going to be kind of long!

WH finally showed up tonight at the pizza place. We ate and then played with the kids. WH, DD, and I rode the bumper cars together.

As we stood in line, I leaned as close to him as possible. Every time he spoke, I leaned forward and made sure to look him in the eyes and give him my undivided attention, along with tons of compliments.

At one point, he stretches his back and says it has been hurting, so I made sure to rub it for as long as he’d let me and then ran my hand down his butt as I finished up.

Overall, a really good time.

AND THEN,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

DSS and WH came by the house to get DSS’s backpack. WH sends DD in to brush and get ready for bed and so he begins again.

He got even more adamant and ugly this time.

Plan A Goddess held her ground pretty good. I didn’t raise my voice. I bit my tongue, but not completely.

I held my ground.

Here’s a sample of some of the things from WH –

What you are doing is wrong and selfish
This isn’t about YOU
You need to stay out of MY PRIVATE life
You don’t know ANYTHING about my R with OW
You don’t know ANYTHING
If OW wasn’t going, then this would be ok,,,,,,,,,,,, so if you didn’t know then there’d be no problem.
This is JUST LIKE when we were married (excuse me, aren’t we still married?)
YOU think YOU have the right to make EVERY decision
YOU CAN’T keep me away from DD
She’s MY daughter and this isn’t YOUR decision
I’d NEVER do anything to hurt MY kids
You are being UNFAIR
YOU are ruining DSS’s birthday
This is a SPECIAL birthday, we haven’t done anything for his last 2 birthdays and this one is one I’m going to make sure he remembers all of his life and YOU are forcing his sister to miss it because it’s all about YOU
It’s all because of YOU and your selfish attitude
I don’t know what’s wrong in your LIFE, that you have to do this
SHE IS GOING and YOU CAN’T STOP ME (repeated multiple times)
I don’t care what ANY Phsycologist says,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, A lot of good that did US!
You SAY you’ve changed but you are JUST THE SAME (this one really hurt)
You don’t LET me so my DD, it’s my RIGHT ,,,, it’s not up to you to LET me do that
The counselor hasn’t helped you one bit, you are just the same as you always were
You’ll see what I do
You've seen how I am with DD, NOTHING and NOONE will come between ME and MY KIDS!!!!


So, here’s a run down of Bug’s comments

You aren’t going to change my mind on this
No, I don’t know what your R is with OW, I can operate on what I know and I know that it’s too soon
All I’ve asked for is time
This is the ONLY thing I’ve stood firm on
I do disagree
Yes, this IS my decision
No, this is about DD
Seeing a counselor HAS helped me and continues to help me
I’ve always let you see DD
Ok, then let me rephrase that, I have accommodate every change you have wanted to make, you wanted to change weekends, see her different days, whatever, and I ALWAYS said yes to whatever was easiest for YOU,,,,,,, ALWAYS
This is the ONE thing I’ve said no to
What are you going to do, steal her away?
I’ve told you, do what you want to in your personal life and you have
You are getting everything you want
We can back and forth say "She's not going and Yes she is going" all night long, it won't change anything
We disagree on this
It is up to both of us
I KNOW you are going to take DD around her, you have made that perfectly clear, but an overnight weekend trip is not right
Yes, what you are doing is unfair
So, ok, you want me to be the one to “blame” for making DD not be at the lake for DSS’s birthday, Ok, then I’m the bad guy
I didn’t ask for this
It’s not at my request that the timing of this happens to be when it’s DSS’s birthday
DD and DSS WILL celebrate his birthday
Honey, you can’t stop me from having a birthday celebration for DSS (laugh)
DD will go to the lake with me, she will have a good time, and she will be fine


At the end, he kept repeating, I want her with me

Every time I replied, I understand that.




For the most part, I was EXTREMELY calm. I got up once to walk out of the room, but then stopped. I sat back down. Towards the end, I got up and stood right in front of him, looking in his eyes telling him, reminding him of how I’ve accommodated him being with DD EVERY time he’s asked.

His eyes were looking in mine, darting back and forth. He was barely controlling his anger at this point and was even shaking. I didn’t move, I didn’t flinch, I didn’t raise my voice, in fact, I stood quietly looking into his eyes.

Of course, he has raised his voice and DD has now overheard most of the conversation. He went back into the house from standing at the door and gave her hugs, kisses, and I love you.

He then went out the door, and slammed the screen door as hard as he could. Luckily, it didn’t break.

I picked up DD and held her. She cried. We talked and talked. I told her that we both love her very, very, much and that I’m sorry she saw us having a disagreement.

I told her that Daddy is very upset with me right now because we disagree. She asked who “she was” that Daddy was talking about going to the lake. She wants US ALL , as a family to be at the lake together,,,, she wants to be with BOTH of us.

I told her that’s ok. I understand. That she NEVER has to feel bad about wanting to spend time with her Daddy. If she ever wants to see him, she can just tell me and it won’t hurt my feelings. I WANT her to spend time with him because he loves her very much.

I know there’s tons more, but it was the same type of reassurances. That no matter WHAT happens, we will ALL be ok. NONE of this is her fault. She NEVER has to choose between us.

So,,,,,,,,,,,,,for the most part, I let his wrath roll off me. Several key things hurt. Several things he said make me think that there will NEVER be a chance for us to recover. He only sees me as the OLD Bugs, , , no changes, , , dictating his life. I doubt he will ever see that differently.

Then, what the heck is his big PLAN going to be? The week of the lake, it’s supposed to be the regular schedule. He has them Wed night, I have both kids Thursday night. They have school thru Friday. Friday, I am planning to be a volunteer at school.

I think if he is going to take off early that week, I will be able to find out. One of my best friends is in that same office and would know if he’s going to be off. He’ll have to let his staff know ahead of time, so it won’t be a secret.

If I find he is taking off before Friday, I can head him off at the pass, so to speak.

Sorry for the length of the post, but wanted to get it all down before I forgot anything.

Comments - - - Please?????!!!!!!!!

You did just fine. It is rather useless to argue with a wayward, because they have a skewed viewpoint. It is good to stay calm and as cheerful as possible. Too bad he is unhappy that he can't vacation with his wh*re and his family. Let all his venom just roll off your back.

These knock-down drag out arguments he has that he wants to engage you in are not healthy for your daughter.

Next time you need to shut it down and focus on boundaries about his voice and wrath in front of his children.

You're tha Plan A Queen so you can figure out how to deal with this. I'm not the pro at this. But the bottom line is he needs to hear "Yes - you said that the last time; shall we talk together with a counselor about this?" then get him on the phone with Steve Harley!

Kayla has a great idea:

You call Steve first and then he will help you with inviting your WH to speak with him about taking your daughter. It can be phrased in terms of "working out what's best for your daughter"...

I agree,,so much so I was composing this email while you were posting-

I would ask that in the future, any discussions we have are not done with either of the kids around

I know that neither of us wants them to be upset, and unfortunately that happened tonight

So that you know, I told DD that nothing is HER fault. That everything is going to be OK no matter what happens
She NEVER has to choose between us. She does not have to worry about hurting my feelings by wanting to be with you or because she loves you, I understand and feel the same way.

It is a Good thing for her to want to be with you and you love her more than anything in the world. There was a lot more, but ALL in that same vein

I would like to suggest we use a 3rd party, so we can work thru any issues. I do not want to fight with you and know that there are ways that we can thoughtfully negotiate through any problem. Despite your belief to the contrary, I do not want to 'be right' all of the time or 'prove a point to you'


We can schedule over the phone to make it easier for us both. And no, I am not talking about my IC
Let me know if you would be agreeable to this.

Morning,,,, Finally!

Not much sleep last night. The interaction obviously bothered me more than I was willing to admit, even to myself.

Horrible dreams of WH taking DD away. Of confrontations at the Lake. DD crying and crying. A dream of me waking up and realizing I HAVE done this because of MY feelings of hurt and rejection,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and that it is my fault that DD was upset and crying.

Another dream of moving everything out of the house over the weekend, ruining every bit of work I've done for the last several months

Another of next year and WH still being WH,,,,,,,,,,,telling me "See, I TOLD you and TOLD you I left because of YOU and I'm never coming back. Here's my latest GF. You know she's the 5th one in the last year, so why don't you GET IT yet?"

Wow! Where's the Goddess? She's disappeared into a world of fear and uncertainty this morning. Let's hope it's just because she didn't get enough sleep last night, so she's laying in this morning!

I just read Frognomore's post to SL yesterday. It said -



THIS is what I want WH to think someday about me. I know that SL's WH treated her terribly thru their ordeal. I should probably go back and read her thread to understand more and how I could possibly relate to my sitch. Perhaps seeing the whole saga will help inspire me?

Is recovery really possible for us based on these events this last week? I do not know.

I do know that WH holds a grudge harder and longer than anyone I've ever met. Whether I am right or wrong on this will be irrelevant in his eyes when it comes to holding that hate and resentment.

THAT will be the hardest thing I've ever had to live with.

Am looking out the window at the beautiful colors of the sunrise. I am thanking God for all of the blessings He continues to give me each and every day.

As I prayed last night and today, Lord, keep this in your hands and do your will. You are here with me and I know YOU will bring us ALL through this to a better place.

Thanks for listening to my pity party this morning, everyone!

Bugs,

I wish I could give you some words of wisdom like you have given me. I know the pros will be along soon to help out.

If I would have known you were up last night I would of chatted with you....sleep is hard to come by for us at times isn't it?

I'm headed out to church this morning just feel the need to go. I'll pray for you while I'm praying for my Wh also.

((((Bugs)))) Hang in there you are a strong beautiful goddess...


Still

Thanks, Still!

So - - To all of you who have been reading my thread today -

Does NO one have ANY comment or input at all???

Feeling kind of lonely out here today and could really use some feedback!

Bugs:

You did great.

You stated your truths.

You didn't get Hysterical (Although you should have)

You didn't give him what he wanted.

Hysterical capitulation to all his demands.

And of course it's all ABOUT BUGS

Because it is all about WH.

HE wants the BIG Happy FAMILY. And you keep poking holes in that balloon.

Calmly, Peacefully and with clarity. Because you have a plan.

Plan the dinner in celebration.

Plan an outing with him, like on Friday night. Tell him you want to "talk" for an hour and then after that, you to "just hang" some. Follow up on your email/suggestions during the kitchen routine.

It is recomended that you avoid these things with WH.

1. WH wants to rattle and get you upset, so he is justified in your actions.
2. You don't get to sleep because WH did rattle you
3. And why put yourself thru it.

But you have to still do it until you get to plan B because:

1. You tell him and show him how you are different.
2. Your Plan A is working, and if it wasn't, he wouldn't show up and try to wear you down.
3. Indifference is death. Conflict means that it's working...
4. You are still a Goddess, and his internal comparisons to OW are finding you the winner, but "THAT CAN"T BE TRUE!"
5. It's important to stand up for what is right for your DD.

Because in Plan B.

1. You will no longer accomodate HO time. So kid time is kid time.
2. You will no longer be available to discuss what he needs from you.
3. His true collors of his "great relationship" with DSS and DD will be plain to see. (As painful as that might be)
4. Make plans for YOUR future. While he continues to flounder around.

Dreams?

Oh, the dreams....

I had'em and I caused 'em.

Much better dreams now....

Bugs:

Plan B will start for you according to your plan in about 15 days. This is the most difficult time. It like going on vacation, you can not concentrate on what needs to be done, (at home, work, elsewhere) because you are going AWAY.

Stay with Plan A as best you can. Get your ducks in a row for Plan B, But do not anticipate it too much. The WH will smell that a mile away, and make life even nastier for you....

And scheduling something with Steve Harley makes sense. Prep your Plan B better. Don't think that WH has any interest, and would be a waste of time to talk to him about it.

But you did great.

The standing over the chair thing....WOW.

You Go!

(((BUGS)))

LG