BC-

Ok, Got it!

And boy am I making up a big 'ol [censored] for him to toke on soon!

ROFLMAO!

That was great...

Bug I understand wanting DD to spend time with him at the lake, but I wouldn't let her go. Will there be other opportunities for her to go to the lake?

Spanish Moss gives you an entirely different buzz all together.

at least that's what Rin tells me.

funnee peoples

Thanks, Nipples in the Puke

I blew it last night. The Goddess powers were suspended and I totally went off on Drac.

I had emailed him yesterday about the weekend and he responded. Suffice it to say, we disagreed on DD attending the memorial service.

He called last night and started in with, so shes going with you, is that right?

Bugs - yes

Drac I dont think any discussion is necessary, I just need to know what the plan is

He then proceeded to try to DISCUSS it,,,,, pointing out how WRONG I am.

So, then its ALWAYS going to come down to YOU make the final decisions about where DD goes and what she does

I was getting angry and upset and told him I needed to go. I said I was upset and didnt want to say anything out of pure emotion. He HATES it when I withdraw and was extremely angry.

I got off the phone and cooled off for a bit. I also got DD engaged in a computer game so that I could go elsewhere to talk. I called him back, which I should NOT have done.

It started again and I TOTALLY lost my cool.

Among the things said were

Drac - Bugs, you think you can just Lay Down the Law about DD

My response - No, Drac, thats not the case. In fact, you have gotten EVERYTHING you have ever wanted since you left here. You got your life, your girlfriend, your cars, your toys, your boats, your house, your kids anytime, every time you wanted. This ONE TIME, ONE TIME I disagree, I am labeled as laying down the law? What a joke.

Drac Well, YOUR laying down the law cost me MY relationship. Its because of YOU that it ended because you MADE me choose between my daughter and her

Bugs THAT is NOT on me. Sounds like one great relationship if you couldnt be apart for ONE weekend because of your daughter. Says a lot about her and about you, dont you think

Drac Dont YOU preach to me about relationships!!

Bugs Not preaching, just observing

Drac - If you bring DD down to the lake, thats going to be just GREAT. Shes not going to understand you bringing her and then leaving. Plus EVERYONE will be uncomfortable

Bugs- Everyone is NOT my problem. I DIDNT create this situation

Drac Oh, dont BET on that

Bugs I was talking about the death of my Nephew, not OUR situation. This isnt about you and me. But, Drac, I have said SO many times that I take responsibility for things Ive done wrong. How many times am I going to have to say it? You know, whatever you want to lay on my shoulders, bring it on. Blame me for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Thats just fine. Ill be the big bad B. Ill just put on my black hat and run around laying down the law and take responsibility for anything you want to lay on my shoulders. Bring it on. Thats fine:

I told him I am sick and tired of his accusations, of being labeled as the selfish B**ch, of his inaccurate judgements of me. I have been MORE than nice and kind to him throughout this entire situation when I could have been one heck of a B.

Drac well, I guess Im just stupid and dont know anything about my own D

Bugs - I have NEVER thought you are stupid, I have never SAID you are stupid, and I would NEVER say you are stupid

Drac just laughed

So, he then says, Ok, well let me just say right now, 4th of July is MINE. She will be with ME

Bugs - D*MN it Drac! D*MN you, cant you just let me get thru ONE life event at a time? Is it really necessary go there NOW?

There was a lot more before, during and after what I list above.

I ended the conversation shortly thereafter. He had to come by to get DSS. We were outside when he pulled in. I told DSS to tell him Id see him tomorrow and I went downstairs to do laundry.

He hunted me down and says Dont send messages thru the kids

I just looked at him calmly and said, Its done. Im done. Ill see you tomorrow

He had to start AGAIN with his POV, beginning with the 4th of July comment. That he just wanted to make it clear so that when it comes time, you dont say that YOUR family has plans

Bugs - calmly this wasnt PLANNED, Drac. There was no reason for you to go there right now. Again, this is done. Its done. Im not discussing it further

Drac Well, it has ALWAYS come down to YOU making the decisions about D

Bugs - Drac, obviously you havent noticed over the last several months how that has changed, have you? Ive done everything I know how to in that regard. If that is how you want to look at it. Thats your choice. The one time I stand up and disagree with you, this is where we end up? I dont want that. I dont want it. Im done. 

He proceeded with comments about me going off, further points about his POV, etc.

I would not engage, I just kept calmly replying the same over and over again. He finally left.

I got DD to bed and then went out on the deck and cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

How could this possibly be the same man, who was always the MOST compassionate person I had ever known?

How could I take all of the work that I have done for months and months and BLOW it by going off like that? I am NOT that person anymore and I HATE that I lost my cool.

I HATE that I see him wanting to engage in CONFLICT and I react so badly. Now, he wants CONFLICT and I want to withdraw.

Is that normal?

He called this am. Mr. Nice, Mr. Chatty. I was Ms. Quiet. I responded to his comments/questions, but not with my previous cheery, engaging voice at all.

I dont know what to do or how to feel right now. I am so disappointed in myself and in everything BOTH of us said yesterday.

I gotta try to do some work now. Will ck in later.

Rough night huh Bugs.

Look, don't beat yourself up b/c he finally got the best of you. I can completely identify with that interaction.

I don't know if that was fog or the A catapulted him into extreme selfishness, but his words were very similar to STBX's.

I'm starting to see how this stuff works when they are like this.

They want it ALL. They want their way all the time. They want their affairs when THEY want. They want the kids when THEY want. They want to be a family when THEY want and God [email]D@mn[/email] ANYBODY that tries to tell them different.

You're taking his cake away and he's throwing a fit. He's calling you selfish, bossy, control freak, or whatever other horrible name he can think of.

They do this to try and BREAK you. They want you to submit to their way of thinking so they can go back to their selfish entitled cake eating life.

I'm STILL going through this [email]cr@p.[/email] STBX wants to be best buddies while she's screwing OM2. She doesn't understand why I'm not happy for her new R. Even though we're getting D'd she still acts like she did throughout the first A.

THERE'S JUST NO REASONING WITH A WAYWARD.

Time to let him go. Plan B.

There's nothing left that you can do to save your M other than letting him go.

The experts may want you to do something to go out on a high note, but I think you're done. Plan B

Plan B

Plan B

Plan B

Sorry you had such a rough nite.

(((((Bear Hug))))

Bugs;
That was 100% HIM provoking YOU into a FIGHT so that he could justify and regain his position of divorcing you.

It was HIM trying to re-establish DISTANCE between you after intimacy.

Let it roll. Its over. You scored some shots...but unfortunately you absorbed some of his. So now recover from those wounds and just realize it was WH trying to hurt and damage you.

You have permission to attack. Don't be defensive about your position.

When he says "you get to make all the decisions"
Say "Since I have her MOST of the time, I get to make MOST of the decisions. When we get custody arranged, on your weekends and evenings, you can make the decisions"

Bugs,

I know how you feel. I bottled mine up for the longest and then I let her have it with both barrells. Ever since that conversation she has never tried to blame me for our M or A. This was all on her and she knows it and I finally had the guts to say it.

I think you are okay. I would now plan B his azz like BC suggested. Let him get all of his needs, fixes, etc from others, not Bugs. Do it before you completely lose all respect for this Wayward. Once that happens it will not matter if he comes to his senses it will be too late because you said so if you don't retain a little something good about him in your heart and Plan B is the way to do that.

I disagree on rushing into Plan B.

There is OBVIOUSLY trouble in affair-land.

And he's taking it out on you....testing you.

Hang in there.

I agree with Lexxy. After watching my WH...

I kept up on Plan A with Lexxxy telling me to do so because there was trouble in affair land. WH tested me, but not for very long. Keep your cool and he won't test you like this for very long.

And now, guess who WH keeps coming too? And he ADMITTED it was because of my Plan A. Affair fell apart, and good old HM was there to remind him how much she loved him and how she had truly made the changes he needed me to.

STAY STRONG! Keep up Plan A. IT WORKS!!!!

I did a couple Plan FU's. I apologized for the WAY I said certain things, but not always for WHAT I said. That made a big impression on WH as well.

BC, Lexxx, H&P,

Thanks for the support and the hugs!

You are all right,,,, hes just following the script. Everything you list about your interactions with your WS is like watching the same movie, only with different players, isnt it?

They want what They want when They want it. I forget who to credit, but recall someone on the board so wisely said not to expect the WS to care about our pain.

Afterwards, I read Arks post about being the lighthouse. It was one Ive read so many times and I was upset with myself at having gotten off my plan. I have been the calm in the storm for quite some time (I think). I just let him push my buttons.

I just looked around and I think I found my Super Woman, WH Bulls*t Proof Cape! Darn, where was that last night when I needed it?

I AM going to let this roll off me. Unfortunately, I have a condition that really flares up when I am under extreme stress. Ive been doing pretty well through all of this, but this week has been the worst so far. So, today I may be able to set aside some of the emotional pain, but the physical pain is a constant reminder.

I have just spent some time reading Psalms. I am feeling a bit better.

Still need to get some idea of how to get back on track with my Plans.

Plan B is almost here. But I agree with you Lexxxy. There IS trouble in Affairland.

I think that has A LOT to do with why he his pushing me so HARD right now. It is a TEST, which is why I am so disappointed with how I went off last night. I SHOULD have been better prepared. I SHOULD have seen it coming more clearly.

HM- your point about apologizing for the WAY things were said is well taken. Not sure yet what to do in that regard, but is has me thinking

So, how I recover from here is very important IMHO. I have several things to do after work tonight. However, I do need to take a shirt of DDs over to Dracs place tonight as she needs it for school tomorrow.

I am going to also take him the framed promotion announcement and congratulations card. AMIRATION need.

Am open for other suggestions,,,,,,,,,,????????????

Bugs:

YOU DID NOT BLOW IT.

Your WH Did.

Your trying to save it.

There is trouble in Affair land

"Choose between DD and OW?"

My how tasty will those WORDS be in a year?

BUT YOU SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND TOUCHED ALL THE RIGHT BASES.

And stayed firm about it.

He can't get past you any more.

And it is killing him.

Re-Read LilSis' thread about this time just before she went into Plan B. There are some amazing comparisions there, as well as some obvious divergences.

You may have Plan FU'ed last night. You said your piece. Relax.

Do not worry.

I am on the fence about the Plan B. It may be required. Next Monday or put off a week.

But I think that the craks in his world, and you restating that he can come home, even in the middle of all that, may create an opening.

(((BUGS)))

LG

Just be ready because if you even apologixe for the way it was said...he will try and use that as a way to restart the arguement. Be forewarned.....don't let him do it again....

LG,

Thx. You have some good points and maybe it wasn't too, too bad. It could have been much worse

Plan B is not off the table. It is a question of when, not if it begins.

I will be making that determination after the holiday.

I really did stand firm in all of the things I have said all along, so at least I was consistent

I just need to get in a few more of the 'we can fix this. You can come home" messages prior to Plan B.

Also, recovery from the argument as NEW Bugs is important

In that regard, HM, good point about Drac trying to re-start the argument.

As we likely won't talk alone for a while, I may just email him. That way I can have the time to try to say it right and not give the opportunity to re-start the argument

Thx!

THIS WAS SO IMPORTANT TO MY WH. I don't know how your relationship was, but in ours this was such a biggie. The fact that I approached him with something I had done wrong was huge.

HM -

Yes, Drac has issues that include his perception that I always have to be right.

I did just email him. Here is what I said -

I did not sleep at all last night. The argument we had just kept replaying over and over in my mind. Honestly, almost every interaction we have does that, (especially ones like Sat night:) ) but this was not in a good way at all.

The events of the last several months, coupled with losing Nephew last week, has been the most difficult time of my life. However, that does not excuse me. Some of the things I said were spoken out of exhasution, frustration, hurt, and anger, and for which I am very sorry.

Having changed so many of my ways of thinking and communicating has been a point of pride for me. It is something I work on every day. Unfortunately, a lifetime of old habits does have a way of creeping back to the surface from time to time.



He just read it. We will see if he responds

Here is his reply

I appreciate and accept your comments and feel the same in return, even though I believe true feelings come out in a time of frustration we never plan to hurt one another. If I can say anything from the heart my feelings and actions are for the children, they may be clouded by my belief of right and wrong. What I do know is when I here our bugs cheerful voice, of how happy she WAS when she was going to the lake this weekend it is very hard for me to feel different, and if that is selfish then I am guilty.

All of the changes we have been through, the last thing I have wanted is to hurt anyone, and that includes you. I know you think I am just trying to make this easier on myself because this is what I want, but I truly believed we could co-exist as the friends we started out to be.

Again I am sorry.




Comments anyone?

Sounds to me like a bunch of self justifying crap to me.

Pointing out AGAIN that he wants OUT.
THIS is what he WANTS.

OUCH! OUCH!

I'm going with the CRAP idea. "I appreciate and accept your comments". This is very big of him. And, "true feelings come out in a time of frustration". In other words, "I was right, and I don't forgive you." If he truely never meant to hurt anyone, he blew that one. The entire reply is an attempt to get you to let him off the hook.

It comes to ACCEPTANCE of who the WS is...

The WS DOES WANT OUT...

It takes the PROCESS..PLAN A then PLAN B...for him to come back crawling...

You've done a WONDERFUL PLAN A, Bugsy...

DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS WORDS...REMEMBER for a WS ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS..



This is going to KICK HIM IN THE BUTT DURING PLAN B..

He will MISS YOUR FRIENDSHIP..that's what he is saying...

SHE WILL HAVE TO BE HIS EVERYTHING..and, given what he is saying here, odds are that SHE WILL FAIL...