There also must be a RULE BOOK out there with SCRIPTS for OW to use...

The OW in my case used the exact same manipulations...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Think back to high school...and all the little tricks you or your friends used to get the cute boy to respond to you.
Its the same in affairs.

Don't you notice a huge immaturity in affair-relationships?

There is a high level of insecurity, game-playing, jealousy, manipulations....

And I honestly think Drac knows he's being played -- hence his reference to "hating" that character on TV.
She's playing herself. Let her do it. She's self-destructing, but her games require YOU.

I told you -- Drac is going to have a HISSY fit about Plan B. You can see it already. And this little practice is going to give you great insight on how to block him!
And when you come back on Thursday, have your appointment, and give him your letter, it will just seem like you've been introspective the last few days....

If you want to put a little smile on your face read my vent about forgiving the OW in my thread on recovery. It is titled Journal of Personal Discovery/Recovery. The post is on the last pager I believe.

My OW pulled that manipulation all through their A. At one point my H was going on and on about what a good person she was, etc. I said "man you act like she's Mother Theresa or something" he said ** get ready** "she is like Mother Theresa". I said (in my most plan A like voice, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) "Last time I checked, Mother Theresa didn't F**K married men!"

His response, what is she supposed to do, she loves me, how can she stay away from me when she loves me so much. I almost threw up right there on the spot.

There really is not reasoning with an Alien.

Now several months into recovery, H told me that he used to think about things I would say during the A. And one thing that really hit home with him and made him think was "If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you."

And there I was through all of the ******, loving him and remaining faithful, maintaining our home and our life.

Your H has been such a cakeeater, I don't see Plan B taking very long. But like I said yesterday, don't give in to easily, stick to your plan, stick to your demands.

I know you are going to be another success story soon.

Exactly Lexxxy. Just like Highschool.

Teenagers in heat = Affair relationships along with all of the drama.

OMG!

I am having such flashbacks due to that High School reference.

You are all so right on about that! Frightening!

Well, everyone I am outta here for my introspective lake trip!

Will ck back IF I get signal on the Blackberry at the lake. Otherwise, next update will be to tell you what Steve has to say.

Please have a SAFE and Very Happy Independence Day!

Mother Theresa?! LMAO! I will ck out your thread, Daze, thx!

By the way, I sent Steve an email update for out appt and included a copy of my PBl.

It does my heart good to hear that you all see success as a real possibility here!

Thanks

Bugs:

Back in the me mode.... Thank you...

Standing in God's faith and waiting for your marriage to be reconciled is the most unselfish thing you can do for a wh. Your WS is experiencing answers to your prayers. It is God, not you, working in your mate's life. Keep on doing what you are doing, for the sake of your mates eternal destiny.

Scripture of the Day:

2 Timothy 2:26 - " And that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devfil, who has taken them captive to do his will."

Our WS is under the control of the enemy. If he sees you succeeding in any way, he likes to up the ante. This is the time when we have to hold tightly to the promises God made and dig deeper in His Word. He will lead and guide us as we walk this out.

I Need:

I had your exact same viewpoint about it ALL..it helped me make it through...

If I could expand on that verse a little more:

2 Timothy 2:22-26 (from The Message)
Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness—faith, love, peace—joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.

I feel that all of us here on MB are running to "mature righteousness" - we use reverse babble to "refuse to get involved in inane discussions", we use plan A to be "a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey" and if necessary we go to plan B in order that "God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands."

Powerful message there for us all.

I've had very little interaction with Drac. Have kept my phone conversations with him to the mere facts of the kids are ok and having fun.

He sounded a bit sad, and perhaps frustrated this am when I said, I gotta go. I pretty much cut him off, but I knew that for these last 2 days, if we really "talked" i stood a very HIGH chance of doing some major LBs!

Pulling back is a better option than falling into an accidential Plan FU and ruining all of my hard work. Steve agreed with that, by the way!


I don't have much time right now, but a brief summary of my talk with Steve this am.

My "project" before going to Plan B is to get Drac to recognize, see, and hopefully understand that the MB way, what I have come to understand about Marriage, the changes I"ve made, etc are about HIS HAPPINESS.

I am not trying to control or win or manipulate. I want his happiness and see this as the way to give him what he wants.

He agreed to the logic lines of the MB pricinples in his talk with Steve, but he does not believe that this is really about HIS happiness on MY part. He questions if the changes I have made a for real and forever.

He needs to at least be able to, in his own mind, answer the question "What is it that Bugs wants from all of this?" with the answer, "My happiness".

He doubts that coming back to our marriage right now is about his happiness.

I will come back later this evening and give a bit more detail.

The key is that I need to make my next interactions with him REALLY count, as my energy is running low and I have to have some in reserve when entering Plan B.

Drac needs to see BEFORE Plan B that this is NOT a manipulation, or a game of any sort. I have to show him that I am yet very vunerable,,,, allow him to see/hear about my PAIN.

Doing that is very costly on my part and will take a lot out of me. However, I agree it is VITAL before going to Plan B.

So, am 'developing' a plan for this in my brain right now and hope to be able to share that as well later tonight.

BTW - am putting a contract on a house this afternoon. Steve said as this move has already been agreed to, then just do it. That way it is not a threat or a manipulation. It is something that has been agreed to and I am merely acting on that agreement.

No need to discuss before hand. So, as it is necessary to get DD enrolled in school in time, I found the right place, etc. I am doing it. My sister is on her way here with the paperwork to make the offer.

So, I have a LOT to do in the next few days! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope to catch up with everyone else soon. Hope you all had a great 4th of July. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Bugs)))

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Goodluck on the house.

BTW - I love that you are ending your conversations with Drac first. It leaves them wanting more and it helps you seem more confidant and sure of yourself. My FWH states that my outward confidence is what really attracted him to me again.

Can't wait to see how Drac takes plan B...

anxious to hear the rest of the details.

been thinking about you bugs!

Good luck on the house!

just a very quick threadjack....
Lexxxy, thank you.

Now back to your regular programming.

bugs ~ my fogged out husband used to tell me that Steve Harley was full of...you know what.

The hemming...the hawwing...the I don't knows....I don't trust you...

That's all just cake eating.

Don't lose heart if it seems like SH isn't getting through. He is - if you say what you mean, and mean what you say in your PBL, and follow through, your husband will suddenly decide that SH isn't so wrong after all.

Stick with Steve, you have a great life to look forward on the other side of B, regardless of what the infidels do.

Daze, lexxx, BR!

Ok, Drac finally picked up the kids. He called around 6, the usual story of having 'tried' all day to get done early.

Maybe he did try, but it is just funny that he never works out on the nights I have the kids already. Oh well

I was downstairs doing laundry when he got here and I finished my stuff and came up when I was good and ready.

He asked me about the court ordered Kids in the Middle Class, saying he called to schedule and they told him the kids had to take a class, too. He wanted me to confirm the mediator did not say anything about that. I said no.I don't recall that. He asked if I had taken the class yet, I said a simple No.

He seemed somewhat hanging around. I kept it short and sweet, touching him a few times as I walked by. He seemed like he wanted to chat, but the kids were hanging close

DD asked me to walk out with them. As we did, he asked me if the air conditioner in the bedroom was working ok. I said it was.

He then asked about if I knew how to clean the filter. I said not, so he came back in and showed me how to do it. Then they left. Nothing huge. Just him having to get in that comment about the class - moving on with the D! PUKE!

It did not feel right for the talk on what Steve and I planned, so I didn't bring anything up

Was just light breezy Bugs!


I spent a while summarizing the conversation w/Steve into a word document. I always write up my notes as soon as possible afterwards so that I can have it all straight

It also helps me mentally practice what I want to say to Drac.

Some of those things are -

Drac, you said a while back that you have noticed changes I have made. Do you think those changes are temporary?

What if they aren't temporary? What of they are permanent?

If Drac says 'it doesn't matter, it is not what I want?'

Bugs is to reply 'So you do not want what you had said would be your ideal happiness?' Because THAT is what I want!

You see, Drac, I have had a realization and a change in my belief system. I see now my role and responsibility for creating and maintaining your happiness and your love for me.

I see the paths and circunstances that lead to the 3 changes you have had in your feelings about me and our marriage.

You went from nothing,,when we first met, to feeling happiness and love to the point where you wanted to marry me, and then back to virtually nothing.
I get it! The ideas that Steve talked to you about have made me understand how to love you, to keep you safe, to negotiate thru anything that comes our way so that we can be happy,, so you can have YOUR ideal scenario.

Isn't that exciting?,

I will ask 'why do you think I have resisted the D? What outcome do you think I am going for and where do you see yourself in that outcome?'

'You see, this is a project for me, to give you your ideal scenario, to give you the happiness you deserve, and it is a life long project for me!'

'I can't talk to you about 'the ho' because it hurts too much. It cuts me to the core. '

So, those are my mental mantras I am practicing and trying to find a way to get discussed.

I haven't yet gotten to see the harley video. Am going to try to watch tonight. Then, need to figure out a way to get Drac to watch it. Steve says there are FACTS in it that need to be heard by Drac.

Then,,, when I am comfortable with feeling the above has been communicated to Drac as best I can, then it is Plan B time.

The trick is getting this done without using up the reserves of energy I have remaining.

Also, that Drac does not see the initiation of Plan B as punishment or a game

I told Steve that for ME, Plan B is more like the END of the game.

Drac needs to understand that Plan B is about my preserving the love I have him. That it is about him not wanting to pursue the availabe option to HIS own ideal scenario.

We also talked just a bit about talking to Drac about his conversation with Steve and how he felt manipulated. That I can approach it as how Steve was SUPPOSED to explaon and show Drac the possibilities of his Ideal Scenario for happiness!

If that is NOT the message Drac got then I am UPSET! I want my money back! Can we get on the phone w/Steve and get this straightened out?

That is an 'idea' , not as much as the other Must Do items above.

We also talked about Plan B a bit. That this relationship, this situation is OVER only when we BOTH have lost all hope.

My goal, and the use of Plan B is to keep that love alive. To be sure I don't lose hope by delaying Plan B too long. To keep enough reserves of energy for myself going into Plan B.

It is tempting, in a way to just go to plan B now, but as I paid for good advise, I am going to do my best to follow it. Even after the talk I had w/my sis who tells me to stop everything and move on.

She loves me, but I am not her and she is not me.

So, as I said earlier, have a lot to do and a short time to do it.

Any great ideas, suggestions, or questions out there???

Just my opinion, but from what you've told us I think the affair is back on full-strength.
I think there was some kind of conflict or break -- but now its heated up again.
Ho is playing games, I think she was playing a "how-dare-you-pick-your-daughter-over-me" game on him...and the consequences for his actions were that she dumped him and set out to make him jealous...

Its hard to read from text. Thats just my thoughts.
He certainly warmed up to you for a while there -- when she was being cold. Too bad you don't have a method for sharing some of that hot info with her! Imagine the lovebusting!!

Anyway. I think thats why the divorce talk is coming up again. He's feeling pressured to get moving on it.

Keep delaying.

Plan B is gonna drive this man nuts. Are you really ready to go dark?

How are you going to set the stage for this talk?
Do you think you can get some time alone with him?

((bugs))

Bugs:

Sounds like you have a plan.

DRAC will scream and struggle, but eventually, the cross, the light and the garlic will drive DRAC away and leave your H gasping and moaning and seeking your help.....

Don't you love a plan!

(((BUGS)))

LG

Lexxxy,

Oh yes, the A is back on full force, no doubt.

I, Too have wished the Ho knew about the interactions I had recently with Drac! Yet, I think she has a clue, thus more games and pushing for the D hard again.


I don"t know how to get alone time w/Drac. Am thinking of trying to arrange something Sun when the kids and I come back from the lake. We are going back again tonight for the weekend.

LG,

Yes, I have a plan. From your lips to God's ear that the outcome will be that.

Let's also add that it happen quickly!

I am feeling like I want to do something Plan A'ish this morning.

Drac had the kids call before he took to the sitter, which he has not been doing.

He got on and was talkative. He started in again about DD's clothes. It makes me think of sippy cups! He had to say again that he bought her 4 outfits!

Anyway, he waked a whole lot of questions about our weekend plans - were we going to the lake (he KNOWS we are), are we having fireworks, etc.

I was nice anc chatted, but did end the convo first

I am just feeling like I want to do something more Plan A today what with the recent pull back. That I need to give him a little taste to confirm for him I haven't changed. To go along with the 'talk' I am planning.

Good idea?

Bad idea??