First time I talked w/ him - He told me to meet any EN's she would let me, Stay in the house and that I was the father of her children and that was a strength I could build on. At that time W only said - "I dont think I want to be married anymore".
2nd time I talked w/ him told him I confirmed the A to myself as he had suggested in early Nov. - He told me to stay the course and that these things often wear out.

Make my changes - Stop drinking - I started going to church w/ W and kids and had MIL on side of our M, Tried to get W to work on things etc, I did all that for 2 months except for R/M talks ad nauseam - Exposed what I learned.

I failed horribly on Christmas eve and a few days after New Years - LB'ed all over the place, Drank after staying sober for almost 2 months - Got into IC right after and have been trying a Plan A again, Making more of an effort to address my issues and keep all interactions safe, free from LB's, no drinking etc.

Are you an alcoholic, dg?

Frankly DG... if you are an alcoholic that is still drinking as recently as last month, perhaps your wife would need to get away from you? What has led you to believe that your wife is actually screwing around? Ml suggested that should the need come that you call the Om to testify under oath about his actions. MOST... not all people are hesitant to testify under oath since they do not know what prrof you may or may not have.
Have you been physically assaultive with your wife?

Do you think you would be a fit custodial parent in the event of a divorce?
In all honest, when is the last time you got behind the wheel of a car after drinking... or while drinking. Your DWI was a year ago... but I can tell you as an ex cop... that means that is the time you got caught... not the only time it happened.
Bottom line.. it is time for you to come clean and not use your wifes actions as an excuse for you to start drinking again. You owe your family a heck of a lot more than a drunk for a dad/husband. WHile I wouldn;t have an affair... I certainly would not stay married to someone that is not taking care of herself and her family. You cannot do either while you are drinking.
Do you attend AA meetings? If not, why not? What are you doing to help you before worrying about your M?

It has caused problems so Yes - Self medicator although not physiologically addicted and was able to walk away from it for 2 mths no effects mentally/physically - But W's refusal to work on M and the pain of the holidays left me needing a release.

Drank on Christmas eve - Then nothing til 1/9/07 and 1/12/07 - Had major meltdowns filled w/ LBs concerning A, OM and W's refusal to work on M - Right after 1/12 - I called EAP and have been in IC and attending AA.

I know that I cannot drink - I have to choose everyday to remain sober and know that I can.

Oh, I get it. You are NOT a "REAL" alcoholic but just continue drinking even though you have been thrown in jail, court ordered to AA and have almost lost your marriage due to drinking? Sounds right to me!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[psssst, do they laugh out loud when you say this at AA meetings? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />]

Very much deserved 2X4 - I meant to say YES I am an alcoholic and I am and have been trying to work on myself since this started.

I did fall and that is my fault - I know that, In Nov. I started AA but when I started attending church the Pastor MC suggested for me to use their program b/c although AA talks of God - They do not mention Jesus Christ and the faith is Born Again Baptist.

By my saying that I am a self medicator was only to say that I know with vigilance, proper awareness and self evaluation that it is a choice I wake up every day to decide whether I drink or not.

This may not come out right either but my drinking wasn't the biggest issue in my M - It was my control and emootional/verbal issues that distanced my W, Although that in itself does not justify her "friendship"

Court never ordered AA (voluntary) in fact the C I saw for court ordered eval said it caused me problems and never recommended further treatment, Which looking back now maybe it would have helped.

C I am seeing now has helped me see my issues and I am addressing those.

I have really owned my issues w/ everyone I/We saw since Oct - And at first b/f I found MB - I thought I was protecting W by not mentionning A or OM.

I messed up and fell in late Dec and early Jan - Realized my problems couldn't be solved w/ just church and decided to take action.

I guess I shouldn't point out W's issues but she does have some of her own but that in no way condones my behavior and I realize that

Did the C explain to you that she can't help you with your drinking, that you need AA for that? dg, all of those bad behaviors are classic alcoholic behaviors. AA will teach you how to deal with your living problem. You need both AA and church.

Until you actually get into some recovery to deal with your living problem, you will continue to have relapses with drinking. The C can't help you with that. Counselors, themselves, COME TO AA to get help for their drinking.

BINGO!

DG... in addition to the other questions posed to you... how are you getting around to make your appointments, to see where your wife is, back and forth to the bar etc? Are you driving on your suspended license? I ask this only because it would show a continuation of self destructive behaviors. Is there a reason that you have not answered the question regarding physically assaulting your wife?

My DWI happened last Feb., At that time they took my license immediately and I had a hardship license until I plead guilty in June. 6 month revocation ended 12/27 although I had a conditional for work, dr.s etc.

I did not drive when I wasnt supposed to during that time, I have not touched a drink and drove since DWI as I cannot do that - It would jeopardize so much more than it is worth.

Not a real bar hopper anyway more of a home drinker.

ML - Yes I understand everything you say - That is exactly what my C has said and I take that to heart - I want to be the person I am capable of.Have been wanting and willing to do all I need to remain a family.

I believe I would make a good custodial parent, Although I could see where I may not get sole custody and am prepared for that - Just dont want to end up completely cleaned out.

As I said W has issues as well - Lying, personality issues,
trouble building/maintaining personal relationships and she has completely turned into someone I dont know - In Dec when EA was most likely still going on our kids D11 and S10 were up sick on 2 different nights - W left them home alone w/o calling me and went to work -

I found out and went home to tend to them. Its one thing when D11 gets home 1/2 hr every day from school alone but she is to call me from her cell phone when she gets off bus until she gets in house, lock up everything and not answer home phone.

Also she was talking of leaving them alone all summer this year to save on child care - I expressed my reservations of this especially in light of how things turned out for me and I wasnt that young being left home alone.

I am staying in IC to work through my issues and using AA to help me stay sober. C suggested to stay w/ AA and did not think that my problem was big enough to warrant intensive in patient treatment which I would have to make others comfortable.

When I say self medicator it could be good or bad such as celebrating something or lamenting but I dont physically need to drink - Dont go through withdrawal so to speak and can go for extended times w/o and truly know its a choice for me - But a choice I have to make is to stay away.

Thanks. I too would have very strong reservations about wife leaving kids alone as she has. Do NOT tolerate this.

It is very telling that I have now asked you twice if you have physically assaulted your wife and you have answered other questions but not that one. Is there something about the question that bothers you?

I made a post concerning that but it didnt seem to post not avoiding it at all - 6 yrs ago slapped W and 6 months later grabbed her roughly.
W threatened to leave and I took it to heart - I have been completely honest in my posts, w/ C's, Pastor, MIL everyone of my behaviors and my desire to do all the things necessary to be the person I know I am capable of,

Okay... well I owuldn't know you answered without seeing it here.
So, what is your plan to improve you??? Afterall, IMHO, you need to worry about you healing first. Frankly, I do not see someone with barely a few weeks of sobriety under their belts being ready to fight the fight required regarding infidelity.
So, let's all get on the same page here... your wife is having an affair right? You have discovered proof or is it just a feeling? Either way, you are probably right... but what are you prepared to do about it? Because trust me... she's gonna be mad as ****** if you do anything to break up an affair she might be having. There is no way around angering her by exposing, snooping and breaking up this A. Are you really ready for that fight?

Just read on a local atty's website that in the state of NY when someone sees an atty. concerning domestic law they have to be given certain paperwork and one is retainer guidelines which is what I believe W had along w/ worksheets.

I had in Nov. said to W if S or D is what you want or feel you need that I would do all to help her heal but she just kept dragging her feet and indecisive - Her coldness and distance was killing me emotionally.


She filled out somethings and has been carrying this envelope around for over almost a week so I am not sure what she is planning and will only try to protect myself so that I can be able to be the person and father if she is truly done.

My wish was that she really would have said something or involved someone to support her b/f it got to this point.

In Aug we celebrated our 13th Ann. and W was normal but after Oct. and phone calls to OM started she has become a totally different person - Had I truly known how she was feeling I would have addressed things b/f they got to the point thay are at

My original posts started in Dec, Found #'s on her cell phone - Lied about nature of #'s mid Nov . found out it was a coworker, I had cell phone records of conversations in Oct, Nov - Founed her at his house in Dec - During my 3 hr driving window on a Sat.
Exposed in late Nov to IL's and Pastor - W was angry.

I feel if anyting I pushed it underground and I was trying a half baked Plan A since Nov until I let my emotions get the better of me and fell to my weakness.

My plan for now is/has been to take care of myself and my issues and trying to show her I am and can be better - AD's have helped a lot and felt like she was waiting me out but after finding paperwork I got myself in a panic.

My bank has been going down but I kept telling myself how I could have depleted hers and was just trying to work through my things and let her be for awhile and let things calm down - She called my snooping "commando tactics"

commando tactics are in order when someone forces you to be on guard. Let her know that the only reason you have snooped and will continue to do so is that she is giving you reason to believe that she is having an A. She would not have appreciated you acting like she now is. BTW... have you had an affair at all during your M? I ask this because there are a lot of spouses out there that incorrectly feel justified in having an affair if they have been cheated on.

No - I havent - Alot of independent behavior but No A and eveen though I was a jerk at times - I always made sure my W and kids were supported.

It wasn't until she atarted making real good money at this job, Talking w/ coworkers who have been D'ed that she has gotten this way - Especially after Oct when her conversations picked up w/ him - At first I justified that I could have caused her to have an A b/c of some of my issues but after being here I know I cant own that.

Also - Her personality issues have led to 3 job changes in about 5 yrs - None by choice.

She was still justifying her secretiveness last night by saying that her business is her business and mine is mine.

Excuse me but for many years - I paid rent/mortgage, util. cable. car ins, car payments medical/dental until a couple of yrs ago when her medical was cheaper and better now she pays medical.

Again I know I caused a good part of the downfall but I am owning that - I know what I need to work on - b/f my fall in early Jan. MIL said W had said in the past that she hoped I would wake up/ grow up someday.

I do think she has some codependency issues but also see some passive/aggressive things as well - I am not discounting at all my things - Early on I mentioned now that all the warts are showing isn't it worth a try to overcome these things.

W was unwilling, unwanting until I made the bed I am in now and any support I had has waned.

In some ways now I a unsure about wanting to work on things but rather make sure I protect myself so I can continue to support myself and my kids.

I have been in this company for almost 20 yrs so I do have some stability and a stick to ittiveness.

Two things... first ... her business is your business and that is typical fog babble.
Second... you really should make the decision as to what you want to do before deciding on a plan.
If I were in your shoes, I would hire a PI and make sure there are keyloggers on the computer. I would also start taking steps to protect my assets.
But again... since you are unsure as to how you want to proceed... you must figure that out first. This fight is tough enough for someone to fight when they KNOW what they want. It will be that much more difficult for you until you figure it out. I would hesitate to advise you to get too wrapped up in a Plan A at this time since you are already in a fragile place with your addiction problem. Perhaps ML can chime in on that issue.
MEDC

MEDC - I had been wanting to work on things since all this started but never thought it would get this far - I havent helped my sitch tremendously.

I was in Plan A other than talking R/M almost too much and being somewhat of a doormat (after reading this site, although didnt start posting and receiving feedback until mid Dec.) through the New Year with one episode of drinking Xmas eve - Felt W was really killing me emotionally and should have listened to everyone early on about AD's and IC - It has helped immensely.

The only thing W says is typical "fog" speak and with my failures in early Jan. I have only me to blame - I could have stayed on the path I was and didnt.

Now I believe in some ways my feelings are slowly starting to be only for my kids and financially, Especially now w/ paperwork I saw - Although cant be 100% sure if she said lets work on this that I wouldn't - She has to do the filing and I am only protecting myself - The only thing that ties us financially is the house which we owe more than what we would be able to sell it for - So we will both lose and the kids will lose the only thing they have known since they have been in school - Which at one time was important to both of us, That they start and finish school in the same place.

We both moved a lot when we were younger, Different types of families/circumstances but I think that is one thing that we shared was our constant uprooting.

I know my kids love me, But I feel they would want to live w/ their mother so I dont want to fight that at all but I do need stability and in order to get the child support she really is probably looking for I need to keep my job.

Not to mention I feel lucky in this day and age to have been able to make it this long when others have had it so rough.