I agree with Jim...Stick to your guns, line up an attorney and unless she is willing to be respecful and fair see her butt in court before caving.

I have consulted with an atty, As far as the LSA goes I don't have to do anything nor do I have to respond to requests for financial worksheet.

Although I am kind of wondering if this would be like a Plan B, I really cannot get a total read on her intentions and right now the both of us seem unwilling to trust.

I am wearing out my welcome with my support group, My family and most of my friends are sick of me talking and lamenting about things, My IL's haven't spoke with me for almost 3 months other than at my D12's concert.

One or two coworkers listen to me but they have their own problems and I fear I will alienate them sooner or later and wondering if this would give my W a dose of reality and bring me some peace, Although my fear is that she is only trying to keep me riding this wave to see if she could handle things financially or for some other reason.

As I said the kids have been told and they seem to understand somethings but then in the same breath they seem to think that we will continue to do things like day trips to amusement parks, cookouts with friends around our pool etc just as we always have.

As far as the LSA goes I will not sign anything that is unfair to both of us, But will not just sign b/c she says she wants to date etc. That only came up when I lewt it be known that it was a month to month lease.

My intuition is so off right now, The first time I got a letter from her atty in Mar, I was beginning to believe that it was over, 5 days after she came to me and asked what I would think if she said she made a mistake, That she still loved me etc - Then a few days go by and she is asking for a S again.

We get to this point and when I start making a move she brings up the dating thing, But her LSA was written so shabbily that I wonder if she is trying to make me fight for things. The last 2 weeks I have been able to hug her and initiate a kiss or 2 but if I leave her alone she won't search me out.

The OM I think is a non issue now except that they see each other at work, She has been making a point to be home after 8.5 hrs or so, If she goes out one or both kids generally go with her.

Like I said maybe this could be a Plan B, We seem to both have so many issues with one another especially the last
2 or 3 yrs. Besides me sleeping on the couch is getting old and I have been sore and cannot sleep more than 5 good hours.

I haven't completely committed to the apt yet but I don't want to lose it if things are not going to get any better and I think once I am out she will realize it won't be a bed of roses, For me right now I am trying to see the big picture whichever way it goes.

DON'T MOVE OUT!

Tell your W that you will NEVER be "okay" with the destruction of your family. Tell her that you are digging in your heels and will fight to keep your M and family together. I understand things are difficult right now. You can always talk with some of the good people on this board if you need to. Keep making improvements to yourself and avoid LBs at all cost. Emotionally detach from your W, but make an effort to meet her needs. Sometimes these things take longer than others, but stick with the program.

Hi All,
Again, I havent posted in a few weeks but we have come to the crossroads, No LSA signed nothing else that I can gather and I don't know what is going on.

I had owned so much of what I brought to the downfall of our R/M that she has become this holier than thou person and it has been killing me.

I put my security deposit down a week or 2 ago, And was holding out hope that with the realization of that she might finally see we can make it but we had a few talks and she LBed and I let myself get sucked in b/c she is so righteous about certain things and hasn't admitted to anything.

She had her car inspected and told me they found a GPS under her wheel well, I did not buy one and told her that.

Anyways things have been deteriorating the last few weeks after she mentioned she wanted to start dating again.

I have finally had it, I have to get out b/f I really come to loathe her, I can see my feelings turning more and more.
The kids now know and I guess this is the last and only way left is to go to a quasi Plan B - Not total darkness b/c my kids are involved.

I have agreed to move out, Children stay with her and I get liberal visitation and I am giving her CS - After that she will be responsible for paying the mortgage, util. etc and I am willing to let the house foreclose if she fails at this b/c of the market and the work needed on our house.

I have to get away for my sanity - So either one way or another things can improve.

Landlord called today, I will be moving sometime next week.

Thanks all - I am feeling a little down in the dumps today, Feel like crying but I can't - I can't believe all our lives have come to this.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

To do so will be handing her custody.

Gotta agree with Jim. If she's not wanting to behave as a married woman, let HER move out and deal with being single...not yourself!

He's right about the threat to your custody situation...we've seen that come up on this site before.

She would get custody anyways, And as I have mentioned before I think the kids want to stay with her.

I would fight for fair visitation, And I have been in this mess so long that I cannot fight right now, It seems I am doing more harm than good and I feel like I have hung on as long as I can.

I just took the kids out last week and spent 300.00 on new clothes and 2 weeks before that I spent 100.00 on shoes.

Had been keeping up my end of finances, So I do have something to stand on that way and in NY children can choose to live where they want when they are 14.

Hopefully we can recover but if I stay any longer there will be no chance of a recovery, She has been so cold and icy it has started to kill all my feelings for her.

The LSA is still sitting on her nite stand, I don't know what she is planning after moving out but I know she is going to visit extended family in Texas with her sister and parent swho live here.

I hear everybody about not leaving but it is going to happen, I can't do this anymore.

Update: I don't know where I should be anymore, I have been so busy trying to adjust to this new life.

In March my W came to me a few days after I received papaers from an atty asking for a LS and asked what I would say if she said she thought she made a mistake, We talked and I thought we may be able to start over again.

It was short lived, After a few days she was back to saying LS.... In early May after almost 2 months of no progress and at times regression I started looking for an apt.

I found one but wasn't able to get in, I did tell her I found one and she said the reason she wanted the LS was to start over as a pastor had suggested and that I was finally doing something that showed I cared.

Although until I was able to move out we had more discussions about our R/M and her becoming cold and icy again - She said that she had her car inspected and they found a GPS but it was never shown to me, She accused me of having a woman call and say nasty things about her pushing me out - I did neither of these things.

I moved out the 1st week of June and have been in such pain and lonliness and I don't know what to do - My thought was I should have listened to others and stayed.

My W doesn't call me and when I call her she is icy and hard to reach - I asked about dating and starting over and she says it's too soon and that all we have talked about was the past things that brought us where we find ourselves now.

I almost know for a fact that she is not seeing OM/coworker other than at work and I have done nothing to suggest that I am moving on w/o her.
I left my name on the util, telephone, trash, water and have given her the CS we agreed on.

The first Sun I had the kids she dropped them off and we stood there for some time asking how each other was doing and at one point I mentioned that we didn't say Goodbye to which her reply was that it seemed so final which made me think ok but then as I said - When we talked about some dating she said it was too soon.

My S10 is a wreck about all of this, D12 has been ok but it's hard to tell with her.

Am I being played, Do I need to just try to show myself as strong and willing to accept things, Do I talk about things anymore?

We went out to dinner after S10's last concert the 4 of us and we didn't talk R/M just about the kids and peripheral things.

I am feeling so sad and lonely, My immediate family have really come to not like my W but I would still accept all we have been through to save our M and family.

My support system is dwindling, This all started last Halloween and has probably completely drained all of us.

She has not done anything more concerning LS or D at this point that I know of. Her and the kids along with members of her immediate family are going to visit relatives in Texas next week. I know she is planning to come back b/c of work and the kids in school but I just wish I could at this point know anything - The limbo I am in is worse now.

Thanks and I know its been a long time - I have several stitches but they got to be so many pages.

Okay, take a deep breath.....

She lied, surprise on that one. That's what waywards do, they lie! She does want to date, JUST NOT YOU.... She wants to either carry on in the original affair or start a new one and act like a 17 yo single woman with raging hormones. Stop giving her everything. Stop jumping when she says hop. You cannot piss her off anymore than she already is at life, you, etc.

Get an action plan. Have you exposed to everyone that could end the affair if it is still ongoing? Why do you assume she will get custody? She left her family and husband to have an affair, made it more important than the children's best interests. No way I don't go for shared legal and physical custody if you live in the same town. Don't take it up the rear financially. Show her what working and paying the bills alone will look like.

Stop trying to date her. Do the 180 plan even if you have to fake it.

Stop being scared of her!

I know and I feel stupid that I fell for the lie again, Sooner or later she would wake up especially with the way my S has been.

The exposure took place in Dec and only pushed her further and I wont go into everything but I really screwed up in early Jan. and have been trying to dig myself out ever since.

I have left things in my name under the agreement that she will pay for things and I am keeping track, If she doesn't pay I cancel - I will not give CS until they are paid.

My S10 said to me the other night that I didn't say goodbye when I came for a few pieces of furniture and I said I did call you that night - I just didn't want to go through it again like the night before as our hearts were broken.

I also said that I never wanted to leave, Maybe right or wrong but I said Mom said this would be a way for us to work on things and to never think that I walked away.

I have had visitation only because between trying to show her that she has to make it financially, She is getting what she asked for as much as it hurts me I am hoping it will serve as a wake up call.

As I said in early Jan. I messed up, Lost the support of my IL's and it as been a struggle ever since.

I am trying to maintain the 180 but after 14 yrs of M and being a parent for 12 yrs it really has shook me to my core to realize all I have lost.

dg ~

Don't know your story, but are you in Plan A? How long?

I think you need to go home...others will chime in here, but why should you be leaving YOUR house? So she can carry on with her affair, or start another one? Doesn't make any sense to me.

Go home and Plan A her...and start preparing for Plan B. Sounds like you are in neither of those right now, and you need a plan. So start making one, everyone around here can help you.

Change the title of your thread to attract more attention and ask for help for what to do next ~ how to go about going home, Plan A, prepping for Plan B or whatever.

Like I said, don't know your sitch, but from what I read this is the direction you should be headed. Sorry if I missed something and I am way off base.