Just thought of this.


You say that your H doesn't listen to you when you tell him what you need or it doesn't last long when he does.

How about writing him a letter? This way he can't speak over you while talking or change the subject.

Spell it out for him word for word. When your done ask him what his needs are and then go over them together.

I think he thinks you are asking for the world when you maybe just asking for affection.

Hey M2L how are you today? Yes we are in MC. I think i have done this today and he told me to tell him when he is doing the things I need him to do and I said I will. Also I asked him to do the same for me, and he said he would. I also asked him if he felt like Betrayed him and he said no but he feels like I don't understand him and I asked him to make me understand and he wouldn't go into any detail.

What's funny is that my H and I have sex almost everyday. I never found anyone as attractive to me as he is and I can not even imagine being with someone else that way and that's why when I saw I was attracted to OM I went looking for answers instead trying to follow that feeling. I remember being infatuated with my husband and that does pass and know how good I have it with him once that phase was over. I know if I had followed up on the feelings I was having with OM that once the infatuation phase was over I wouldn't want to be with because we would not be able to trust each other because of the way our relationship started.

I might be a lot of things but crazy is not one them.

I know I have a good man and I know I would be crazy to not work on fixing what we have messed up because I have seen how good it can be and I want it to be like that again.

MB,

Can you get your H to come here?

I'd be happy to talk to him about how important meeting your EN's are.

In the meantime, b/c YOU are here, asking for help, (and not him) I can only speak to what YOU can do.


That's up to you.

Your choice.

But, FEELING like he doesn't cherish or honor you is not the same thing as NOT cherishing and honoring you.

Your H may believe he cherishes and honors you every day.



So, you'd rather make them unhappy by breaking up their family to show them that marriage is supposed to make you happy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



Why do you expect your H to fullfill you?




Good.

Glad to hear it.



What matters here is why you choose to dress sexy, not how long you've done it or how many other women do it.

You said you did it to attract other men. And I asked you how that shows respect for your H or your marriage.



I honestly don't know what to say to this.


A silly question begs for a silly answer.

"It wasn't easy, H, but I managed to do it."




One of his top EN's is probably for domestic support.

Why don't you work more consistently at meeting it?

And while you meet it, remind yourself that you are strengthening your M. Tell yourself how good it smells. How good it tastes. Tell yourself that you are doing a great job. THIS is how you fill your own love bank. Praise yourself.

Then when your H has finished eating the meal, ask him if he enjoyed the meal. If he appreciated the effort you put into it. You will get more deposits into your love bank by asking these questions.




It's NOT fair.

This is what you say to him after he criticizes you...

"H, when you criticize me, I find it difficult to feel loving towards you." And then walk away. You don't need to defend yourself against his criticism and you don't have to argue your point w/ him. Just share how you feel when he criticizes you.

And when he admires you be sure to tell him how loving you feel towards him.



And you are to be commended for coming here....and you will most certainly be blessed for it if you continue to post and read here.

I don't mind you asking at all. I'm here to share and learn from others.

Although orginally, I came here seeking help to end an EA.

I am a FWW, who understands your mindset very well.

~ Marsh

Hey Marsh, How are you today? I have to say you give really good advice and I really appreciate it. You have given me a lot to think about. I don't think I had gotten addicted to this OM but was on the way if I didn't stop. I don't miss talking to him so I think this is a really good thing.

Also things between me and my husband can not be better. We stayed up till the wee hours of the morning playing and ML like we did early in our relationship. I have to say I feel giddy.

The reason I say should you stay just for the kids is because my parents stayed together and I think it was the worse thing ever. I wanted them to divorce and would ask them to often. They made each other miserable. So no I don't think staying for the kids is always the best thing. This is just MO. Thanks again to you all the board has been a great help. I will continue to come back. I will see if he would like to check it out. BFN


MB

Your parents attacked their M by committing adultery. If they had committed themselves to one another and worked on being open and honest w/ each other, they could have been happily married.

You have NO idea how different your life could have been if your parents had gotten D. You THINK it would have been better, but studies show that's just not true in cases where there was no abuse or addiction. Kids always do better in a two parent home even when couples are not "happily" married.

"Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy. It's supposed to make you married."~ Pittman

We are responsible for our own happiness...even when we are married.

I saw your poll, MB, and hope that you aren't trying to defend your position that flirting is healthy for your M. Did you ask your H if he was bothered by it?

Believing that flirting is harmless and that dressing to attract other men is OK is WAYWARD thinking...and thinking like a wayward is how you become one.

~ Marsh

Ok Marsh, I am in no way trying to justify any damaging behavoir of anyone I just want to hears others opinon of the article.

Who said there was no abuse in my parents marriage. Our family life was very abusive. The fought all the time and beats us most of the time to the point where I couldn't go to school for a week at times. So no I doubt if I would have regretted them getting a D very much. Again this is just MO. I may be wrong.

I would like to know if anything I said thus far sounds as if I am justifying wrong doing? I have to say I have to prove to myself that I have learn from my parents mistakes instead of making the same ones. So this alone is enough to make me not want to stray. BFN

MB

Yes! All you do is complain about your BH and defend how you didn't do anything wrong because you came here before you did something wrong. You said earlier that your BH never told you he had a problem with you flirting. Really? He may not have come out and directly said it, but complaining about what you were wearing and the "why don't you just masterbate to the OM who you wanted to cheat on me with" quote tell me another story.

I'm starting to get frustrated with you because you get it, but at the same time, you don't get it. Yes, your husband has contributed his fair share to the state of the M. Guess what? You can't fix him, you can only fix yourself. Every post on here is about what can you do to get your husband to act like the way you want him to and why you did what you did, but I don't see, "Here is what I am going to do to make my M better." What changes are you going to make?

Ok Jim I can tell you are angry and that it is not at me. I don't know if you checked all my post or not but I do recall saying that I was working harder at meeting his needs and not just waiting for him to meet mine. Also I said I know I have things with myself that I need to work on and that's why I was in counseling because I didn't want to repeat my parents mistakes. So before you go juming down my thoart you need to get your facts straight. I not only complained about but admitted that I to have my own faults. I did also mention that I do want to do what it takes to make my marrige work. If I missed something you said let me know I will be happy to address them. Also I have decided to get his input on what I wear before I wear it to make sure he has no problem with it. JSYK ( Just So You Know) When OM came over here I dress the way I always do around my house in my active wear clothes nothing revealing so I was not intending to flirt with him.



Marsh I am sorry if I didn't answer all of your questions I will soon right now I have to cook dinner but I will be back soon. Ta-ta for now. TFN

Mary,

I'm not angry at you, I'm just trying to help you. To me, you still seem a bit "foggy and wayward." There are several times in this post where you said, "I don't think I did anything wrong." Well, you may not have had any physical contact with the OM, but you did let your conversations get WAY too far with the OM. You should not have flirted with him, and you should have been talking to him on the phone. You obviously hurt your H with your actions. I'm trying to get you to see that.

Why is this man still coming to your home? Tell whoever is working on your home that you do not want OM to work on your house anymore. If you don't want to do it, tell your husband to. OM should not still be coming to your house.

Ok Jim thank you for clearing that up. Sorry for the misundestanding. I have not spoken to or seen the man since I realize I liked him. I have always talked to men and women all the time for as long as I can remember. I am a person who know's no stranger. If you can tell me how I could have handled this situation differently I am all ears. I didn't talk to this man looking to start something with him.

I couldn't help that he came to the house to fix things when I was there without my hubby because he works during the day and someone had to be there. I did not know I was going to be attracted to him. Once I saw that I was I came here and had NC w/OM since. When I talked to him I didn't talk to him about anything personal. Just small talk like I always do with anyone. I never even let the man know I had a crush on him. Please tell me what I could have done. I never lead him on in anyway.

Mary:

I dropped in on this thread, after reading your callout earlier.

Where are you now?

You started the EN Questionaire and then stopped working it with your H.

Do you need to get your Husband here?

Do you need to go to the Marriage Buiders Weekend? Can make all the difference in the world to a reluctant H.

Who thinks he's ok. And it's all in your head.

Because, we do not get to go to marriage school. And we do not "learn" how to do it.

But the MB weekend is a great place to start...

Hi LG I am sorry I didn't mean to try and put you in a predicament. I am just having issues right now and I need help and I don't want to be criticized. I am not no ever was a WW but I am seriously concidering becoming a WAW. I love my husband and I think he is a great man but I am tired of dealing with his PA. He doesn't not like to admit when he is wrong. He blames me for all of out problems, He doesn't help me disipline our kids because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I told him last night that if things between us don't improve by the end of the school year I am taking our kids and leaving. He ask me if it was a threat and I told him no. I am tired of talking and I am tired of begging. We did the EN and LB Q'Aire and I have been working my but off trying to meet his needs and not LB but him he picks and chooses what he wants to do and the thing I told him I wanted the most which is my 1# EN admiarition he refuses to give me. I have been having this same arguement with him for years and I am tired. I should not have to keep telling him what I need from him and have him promise me to do better and then stop after he feels like I am no longe on his back. I asked him to go with me to retrouville and he said that he didn't want to go that he would read some books or something to help our relationship. I got the books and gave them to him and he hasn't even look at them ket alone tried to read them. I asked him four weeks ago to read to our girls and he still has not. I asked him 8 months ago to take me to lunch and he has not even tried to. I am tired of him running from confrontation. I just want to feel like I am heard and that he cares for me. I don't want anyone else but him but I am tired of holding out hope. He has the nerve to say I am a very private person that's why I don't let you know more often how much I appreciate you but when it comes to something I do wrong he is relentless. I don't know what else to do we are in counseling and when we go he is more worried about what I will tell the Dr instead of how the things he does make me feel. I am at the end of my rope. He won't come to the board and I was hoping if maybe you or someone from here would talk to him for me. I told him last night that we both contributed to the problem we have in our relationship and I told him I know the things I do that hurt it and I have been trying very hard to correct the issues and I asked him what he thought he did to add to the problems we had and he said he didn't know. I told him to try and think of something and he said he doesn't listen. I told him I know he listen that's not the problem I have he can repeat anything back to me I say it's the not doing that bothers me. I told him that it it's not about what he thinks about how I feel but that he knows the things he does hurt me if he thinks they should or not. If I think we have a problem and even if he doesn't we have a problem. Can someone please help me/us? Deseperate in GA

I think that will be my new screen name D.I.G for short

MB

Mary,

Are you still in NC with the OM?

Have you talked to anyone about this that can help you? Someone like MIL, his best friend? Someone that can give him a dif POV? If he is listening to you say it and then hears it from him mother maybe he would sit up and take notice?

Just an idea.

I hate for this man to push you away like I did my wife. Too much hurt at the end of that road.

I have had NC with the OM and I talked to his mom last night she said that she will get his dad to talk to him. She said she hopes we work it out and that we are good for each other and we need to learn how to overcome our differences. I don't know what else to do. I am his only friend and he doesn't really even open up to me.

Mary/D.I.G.:

Sometimes, we get critized around here. Sometimes, it something we don't want to hear. Sometimes, its a soft blow and sometimes its with both barrels. Read LostSheep's thread. She got it with both barrels, and kept coming back. Been ten days so, far, I hope see hangs around. Could become a very valuable source.

I started to read your thread, and can see how you were drifting towards the CSR. You state that you have stopped that. Good. I will leave that alone.

But, you are still disconnected from your H. In your post today, you state all the things your Husband hasn't been doing, and what HE SHOULD be doing.

Mrs LG used to always do that for me. WHat I SHOULD be doing. For a long time. And I stepped into an affair (MY CHOICE). That continued for 4.5 years. THAT really helped the M, didn't it.

On discovery day, I changed. Read the books, went to MB weekend, listened to the CD's, even after a year, started hanging out here.

And Mrs. LG changed too. No more what I SHOULD be doing. And she practices the admiration thing with me really well.

If your Husband doesn't want to work on it, then there isn't much you can do about that. Plan A and/or Plan B. You can't change him. You can change, and he might follow, but he can decide not too.

This doesn't make him right, and you wrong, or vice versa. Just makes you, you, and him, him.

Mrs LG used to say and think: "IF LG would just do all these things, WE would have the perfect Marriage." Notice there was nothing in that that she had to do?

Your here. I'm not beating you up.

You have been married for 10 years. It takes a while to fix these things. Behaviors that have existed for 10-15 years are very difficult to change. But, if I didn't change and Mrs LG didn't change, then this M is over. And it was over long before Dday, even before the Affair. Because we where in our trenches and were never going to change.

More later, Mrs LG is picking me up for lunch!

Mary,

I know you are looking for a "quick fix," but there are none to be had in marriage. I know the answer I keep giving you is not what you want to hear, that is why you keep searching for others to come up with solutions for you. Here is your solution. YOU NEED TO WORK ON BECOMING A BETTER WIFE TO YOUR HUSBAND! You can't change him only yourself. What you'll find is that by changing yourself, he will be motivated to change himself. Let him know how you feel in as honest and non-threatening ways as possible. Figure out what his ENs are and meet them. Figure out what his LBs are and avoid them. Over time you will notice your M improving. Keep asking him to go to counseling. Eventually he will.

Let me tell you about my situation. My WW CHEATED on me, and has not met my ENs SINCE LAST MAY!! Still I work on myself. My WW has not even kissed me in the past 7 months, much less had sex with me, she told me she was in love with another man, told me she hated me, wanted a divorce, and was never having sex with me again. IF I CAN WORK ON MY M, THEN SO CAN YOU!!

If you check out my earlier post I did mention that I knew I had things that I wasn't doing and things I was that I shouldn't have but since I did the Q'Aires with him and I saw want he wanted from and the things that caused him to lose love deposits for me I have been doing all I can to plan A him. Today was better after we talked last night. I am afraid though that he will just do this to sooth me and then stop like he always does. My faults in our relationship is that I act to independently, I am very opinionated, I didn't do things he would ask me to do because I didn't want to and I didn't consider his feelings. I don't always listen when he talks to me, and I tease him for being to over protective. I know I was wrong for doing these things and if I made him feel the way I feel right now I am truly sorry and that's what is motivating me to no longer go w/out meeting his EN and stop LBing but when he knows how he is hurting me by being mean and critical of me and he continues to do it I wonder how much can he care?

I know can't change him and I know I was just as wrrong as him but I feel like I have learned the error of my ways and want to make amends and he is only doing want I want of him because he wants me to leave him alone. Which means it's not sincere and he will stop again like he always does.

Hey Jim nice to hear from you. It's not that I didn't like or agree with what you had to say it's that when you said suck it up I got turned off. I get enough of not having my feelings validated at home I don't want to have to deal with it from anyone else. Also I have been working on being a better wife to my husband but how long do I have to put up with him being an insensitive Passive Aggresive mean Jerk? I will tell you the same thing my C told me " No one person's pain is greater than another. Neither my H or I have strayed although I have thought about it. I know how hurtful it can be and I am sorry you are going through what you are with your wife. I am sure even if you were not being the best H you could be you did not deserve what you got.

I don't know how long you have been with your W but I have been with mine for 10 years this coming June and I have been holding out hope all this time that he will keep his promises and do what he says he is going to do but after ten years of being hopeful and optimistic I am getting a bit tires.

I grew up in a house where I got constanly critizied and no appreciation for the things I did, I didn't have a choice but I will be damned if I choose to live my adult life like this. I use to beg everyday for my parents to tell me they love me and they would say why? You are just using that as an excuse to act up. I don't want to keep repeating that pattern. Does that make me a bad person?

D.I.G.

D.I.G.:

Now we are getting somewhere.

You grew up in an unloving home. Mrs LG felt the same way.

And I didn't give her much early on either. I was in love with her, and was quite "touchy-feely", something she wasn't used to. But I stopped, or slowed down considerably.

And then the kid came along, and I got even more distant. I wasn't getting the program. She bought me books, asked me to read, I was too smart for that. Didn't want to be told what to do.

My son was seven when the affair started.

I was detached emotionally from my W, and she from me. She had decided on her exit plan, wait until the kid grads High School and she was gone.

So, that wasn't a very promising enviornment.

What can you do? Maybe he doesn't want to read the book, His Needs, Her Needs. Buy the CD version. Leave the kids with a sitter of the grandparents and take a drive 3 hours away and listen to it on the way. H may very interested to listen, to pause the CD and discuss things, and listen to you as well. Also, since one of you is driving, you are not required to face each other, which is less confrontational...

Make sure that where you are going you DO NOT have to be there at a particular time. Have a destination, but not a deadline. Just stand in line at a local restaurant. No sports BARS! But someplace he would be comfortable. You can spend the night, or return home. If spending the night, no more CD until your return to the car. (UNLESS he really responds well!)

Let him Talk, Talk, Talk. You get to listen. The one thing to remember is that whatever he says, you can not get to defensive. Defensive=No talking. OK? And if he just listens to the CD, that works too.

Then you can listen to more on the way home.

Introducing the concepts are the first steps in a journey to opening your relationship up. TO getting to that safe place to "Affair-proof" your marriage.

Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions LG I appreciate it more than you know. Will look into do just that.

I have to say this I don't want to come off as a b##ch but I saw how all the ladies chimed in when I asked for your help and said they saw red flags but I sure don't see any of them offering help now that I have made my post. I hate to jump to conclusions so I am going to put myself out there and ask were are all the ladies now? There statements and then their actions after the fact just lead me to believe they didn't really want to help and that they were just being nosy. If I am wrong I will apologize but I am sure you can see how one could come to this conclusion. Again this is just my .02

D.I.G.