Mates4Life thank you so much. I really appreciate you validating me feelings. It really helps me to stop being defensive and open to listen. I read your post and I teared up. I think the problem is I keep saying he is afraid to open up emotionally when I think I am just as scared. I am so tired of hurting. I just feel like giving up. I think I may feel just like he does. Nothing I do for him is good enough. I was busting my a*s trying to do all of the things he ask of me and he didn't even notice, because he said what have you done for me? I think that's when I felt like I was just ready to give up. I am not foggy because I know that I can not run off into the sunset and have a perefct relationship with anyone else either. I think I just want to be alone, because that way I won't have to feel like I am under anyone constant judgement.

I see how the things I do play a role in what is going on in my marriage and I will definitely stop engaging with him in this way. However I am still scared to be vurnarable to him again because everytime I am and he promises to do something and I believe him and he doesn't do it, it diminishes my trust just that much more. I am scared to death.

Also i give him a hug and kiss everyday while he is leaving and arriving and telling him I love him and I hope he has a great day. Last night he asked me how my day was and it made me feel like he was interested. I felt a little better. I also know I need to change my perspective and focus on the good things. I usally do but right now I just feel like my spirit is broken after being hopeful for so long with little to no results. I love my husband. I really do and I think he is a great guy I am really just scared that I won't ever get what I need from him. I feel like I don't even want to be around him anymore because I am tried of being hurt and I feel it's the only way to protect myself. I want to run away. I have issues I was raped from the time I was 16 to the time I made 21. (Another reason I am afraid to let go of the 40 lbs. I need to lose). Because of this I don't really trust men and the more he tells me things that he thinks I want to hear instead of the truth I start to put him more in the catergory with all the other men. This is why I feel lost. For so long he was the one man I gave my trust to and he just keeo letting me down. I think because he is unhappy that he may feel the same about me. I hope this helps.

Also Orchid thank you for your short but sweet advice.

I think my posting is here is like journaling. I am getting my hurt out. I have been crying the whole time I have been writing this. Thanks for letting me vent. Also I don't tell my husband all the ways I feel he is not living up. I make sure to thank him when he does give me the things I need and I don't look for him to mess up. We usually have sex almost everyday but lately I don't even want to because I feel like he is just nice to me until he gets some and then he is distant again until the next time he wants something from me so I haven't even been trying. I know it is not helping matters much but I don't like feeling used and I don't know how to stop feeling that way.

DIG:

Stay around. You went away for a while.

Listen to Mates and Marsh. They can help, A lot!

LG

DIG,

Now, we are at a point where I can really help.

Two things specifically.

1. Your husband tells you that he wants you to lose weight because he is concerned about your health. This is true to a point. He really wants you to lose weight, period. He cannot tell you this, because it will hurt your feelings. Your description of him tells us all that he is "overprotective", and that means that he will also protect YOU. So, part of what you are seeing as passive-aggressive may also be attributable to his tendency to protect other people from what he sees as his own hurtful words. So, when he knows that he is going to say something hurtful to you, he shuts his mouth and doesn't speak to you. In the final analysis, however, this actually hurts you! You can't take the cold shoulder - so you two probably need to talk about this out in the open in MC. However, you yourself have a tendency to be defensive and LB when you hear things you find critical of you, or that you don't want to hear.

So between the two of you, HE will need to be able to trust that he can say what he is thinking and you won't be terribly hurt, that he doesn't need to protect you. YOU will need to create the atmosphere in your relationship that he can say things to you so he can trust that you won't go nuts and LB about criticisms from him, and won't immediately get your feelings hurt and "lock in" to the idea that he doesn't love you because he said something negative about you or critical of you.

The MC should be able to help you two with this. And it should make an immediate difference in your communication abilities - and in the relationship - if BOTH of you pay attention to it.

2. About being raped. I, too, was the victim of rape as a child. I was raped by a family member over a period of several years from age 7 to 10. I was also physically abused and emotionally abused by my father (who was not the rapist), and the victim of felony child abuse. I understand completely about the emotions that go into this situation.

Here's what I learned. Each and every time you are angry, you draw your anger from the same boiling pot that the anger of the rape is cooking in. You know that pot? It is a huge pot, isn't it? An enormous fire burns under that anger pot, and inside the pot boils a mass of hot anger, like lava from a volcano. It's ready and waiting for any reason to explode - it's so very easy to dip into that pot when you are angry, just dip right into that pot, and there's a nice scoopful of anger for you, hot and steaming, served right up and ready to go.

Only there's one problem here.

You aren't supposed to use this pot for anything except the rape anger.

When the rape first happened, we used the pot at every opportunity - because the rape was fresh, we were young, the wounds were raw. We dipped into that boiling anger pot because we could not sort out the rape anger from anything else in our world.

As the rapes continued, so did our dipping. It was how we coped.

And when the rapes stopped, we continued our dipping, because it was how we still coped, because we still had anger. And because we still had anger. And because we still had anger........

The thing is, as the time between the rapes and the now extends, we have to learn to separate the rape anger from the other kinds of anger in our lives.

There is a big difference between the rape anger and other kinds of anger - say, being angry about dropping your chocolate chip cookie on the floor, or when the kids are yelling too much, right?

Only, you and I both know, that anger pot is SOOOOO easy to dip into, it's hot and boiling and right there, after all.

So we dip. Even when the level of anger and the reason for the anger REALLY isn't appropriate for the dip into THAT ANGER POT. But we really should reserve the use of the rape anger pot for that anger.

We MUST separate it from the other anger in our lives, and

NEVER DIP INTO THAT POT

When we know it's not right.

Because when we do, we lose. Each and every time we use that level of anger to respond to a smaller incident in our lives, the rapist wins, and we lose.


It was this revelation that helped me beat the anger.

AND THE FEAR.

Now, DIG,

Go back through #2, and replace the word "anger" every time with the word "fear", and read it again, because that will also help you with the fear thing. When you learn to control the anger and the fear from the rape, your heart will change toward yourself and your husband. You are likely to find that what you see as HIS lack of affirmation to you is really

[color:"red"]YOUR [/color] LACK OF AFFIRMATION TO YOU.

I've been there. Exactly right there. You know.
SB

DIG and all,

sorry the previous is so long

but sometimes things cannot be said in a short blurb

and sometimes something is worth lots more words

SB

Hey SB thanks so much. I think I am starting to realize by writing that I am projecting my fear of emotionally investing in our relation on my H. I think we are both equally scared. I didn't realize I was still afraid until now. I also realize I am throwing myself a big pity party instead tying to find the soultion to my problems. I don't like being afraid I do have a lot to be thankful for. I will focus on that instead what I don't have. Happiness is a choice and I am choosing to be happy.


I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go. I was in such a bad place right before I met my H. I was still in mourning about my first love. He was one of the ones that raped and sodomized me. I had PTSD for a while. Then to top it all off all of our friend took his side and I had no where to turn. Then he had the girl who he cheated on me with that gave me an std call my house and harrass me. I just had no peace. Then after I used the phone records to have her arrested. I met my H right after all of this. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. That's why I can't believe that I was actually thinking about leaving him. I remember when he were dating we had a wreck because he was taking me to his house to lay down because I had horrible cramps and someone ran the stop sign and hit us. We had to go to the Chiro and the Dr was looking at my breast while he was giving me my treatment. I saw him leave the room with a hardon and it's how I knew he was perving. I told my then BF and he told me not to worrya about it and let it go and just ask his nurse to stay in the room for my treatments. So yet again I was vicitimized by someone I thought I could trust. I need and want to let go of the anger and fear. I have gone to rape counseling and now I am no longer afraid of men I don't know but I still am afraid of being hurt. Any advice on how to get over my fear would be helpful. Thanks for letting me vent.

Thank you LG I have been here just lurking but I have been here.

DIG,

The fear will own you.

It will be your keeper if you allow it to be.

I wonder how much you perceive your husband's "overprotectiveness" as something good, or something bad, in reality. I would say that you give him mixed messages on it.

Here is why I say this.

(First, let me tell you that my job entails the analysis of communication. I do this as a profession. Here, it's just to help, for free, and I can't say that what I tell you is an in-depth professional analysis, since I can't talk to you face to face, or see enough of your communication to fully analyze. But you've given me enough here on this thread to point out what I'm about to tell you.)

In your posts, you tell us two different things. You have said that your H is "overprotective" and that it bothers you, even to the point where you sometimes feel like you are in a prison. You have told him this.

But then you also say that you "tease" him about his overprotectiveness. Teasing is something we do to people when we find a quality about them to be ENDEARING.

You have sent him a mixed message - that you find his protectiveness good, and bad.

I believe that you do find it good and bad.

The problem is that he cannot be inside your mind and know what the boundaries are for you, and I think you aren't quite sure what the boundaries are, either. Because you still have the fears, and they crop up at strange times for you. You want and need his protection, but at other times you want to be free because you are feeling stronger.

So it's both, isn't it?

I went through this.

He has to understand this, and so do you.

You are earning your wings. But you CANNOT beat HIM up for YOUR confusion. That is what you are doing.

I question whether or not his behavior has changed, or has yours? You describe that he was caring and protective back when you were dating. He still remains the same.

You were needy then. Now, you are moving toward a position of more strength, through growth in counseling, and perhaps gaining some confidence by aging and being a mother as well.

So who changed in the protection aspect? You did. Your boundaries and needs changed. So now you two need to go back to the table and adjust. But it isn't his FAULT, and he isn't to BLAME here. It's just growth and change in the lives and times of two people.

So grow and change together.

Regarding the fears again?

Like I said, stop dipping into the rape pot for every single fear you have.

It is NOT the vessel that contains the right amount of fear for every single situation that comes along.

It certainly is NOT the pot for the fear that your husband won't stick with the changes in marriage counseling! My goodness - rape is a whole different experience than marriage counseling, wouldn't you agree?

So don't dip into that same fear pot for the MC! Back away from that fear pot, for heaven's sake.

You don't need that level of fear for a cockroach, for wearing a swimsuit, for a job interview, for public speaking. You only need the fear of rape for that ONE THING - rape. It has its own place.

All other fears have their own level, their own separate pot.

You are no longer allowed to dip from the rape pot when you are afraid of anything (except rape).

This is a decision you have to make, in order to move ahead in your life. We all have to make it, because otherwise, we freeze right there at the day of the rape. Forever frozen, forever with the rapist. And HE WINS.

Do not let him win.

By choosing to move away from the anger and fear, you free yourself to live so much differently, I wish I could describe it for you.

When this happened for me, I remember the day, the moment.

Colors actually changed.
Smells actually changed.
Light actually got brighter.
Sounds became clearer.

The world came to life in that moment. I was outside, and suddenly I could hear the people indoors. It was like the world was gray one moment, in a black and white silent movie, and suddenly it was changed to a technicolor surround-sound movie with smell and feel included.

And the biggest part of the whole thing?

I had forgiven my attackers.

That was a surprise.

SB

SB you are a wise and very insightful woman. I have to say I did see my H being over protective as a plus because he was the only person who looked out for me besides me. He was the first person I ever felt safe with. Now that I am stronger and more secure I feel like he smothers me sometimes. I have change a whole lot since we have been together. I use to didn't want him to do anything or say anything about the kids now I look to him to help me way more than I ever did. I listen to his advice and I understand that he has just as much right to what happens in our kids life as I do.

I know how to get over the fear. I have to do a lot of positive self talk. I use to do real good with this and I back off. I will start again. I have a whole list of positive affirmations that help me out. My H has been good to me all day. He clean up the house after I cleaned up earlier because the kids ran amook and I said it didn't even look like I clean at all today and he said it's not that bad and clean it up for me. I have been distant lately and I think he knows I am scared of being hurt again so he has been really trying and I have been doing all I can to let him know I appreciate his efforts very much. I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much better one feels when they choose to focus on the good. I am off to go workout and get a pedicure. I hope everyone has a great evening, BFN

MB A.K.A. D.I.G.

Ok I am back with an update and a new question. Things have been going a lot better here in the home front. We have been alot more open to one another. I feel a lot more positive about our situation. We had a talk the other night and I think I got him to understand my POV a little better.

I told him when I was growing up my parents took care of me the way he is. Paying the bills keeping food on the table and what not. I told him because they didn't give me the things I need to feel love I felt like the things they were doing the were doing they were being done out of obligation not because they loved me and that's how I feel about the things that he does. I feel like he works to take care of his family because he feels like that is his job. He is a workaholic and over-responsible. I told him what I need to feel loved is to hear it. I asked him if he understood what I was saying and he said a little and yesterday he told me he loved me. I felt so much better. I

Ok here is the question. How do you get your H to try new place to have SF. When we first started dating we had sex everywhere(in the car, outside, the shower, in the rain, you name it we did it. Now we only have it in the bed or shower and I am getting bored. We have a balconey and I am dying to go out there. I would love to do it in the car again. I know it's a bit out there but I need some change. I ask him about doing it in different places and he doesn't want to. However we did it on the couch last night and I was so excited because we did it in a different place the normal and it felt so good to get out of the rut we were in. I would like to try new place more often Does any one have any suggetions? Thanks in avance.