don't let your husband rescue you..

it plays right in to what he's doing isn't that bad..

better to get a family meember...ie his...even if available to help...

then you can say...

No dear while I appreciate the help I have gotter so and so to help with this....I figure you're busy enough with your life....right now...thank you for offering...

write the apology for getting physical...if he'd done that to you there'd be talk of restraining orders...
make ammends with that and be take full responsibility for those actions...

ARK

update
well DH must not be to mad at my outburst he gave me the money for my deductible so i can get my car fixed. he called and told me to come so he could see the damage. once i got there he grabbed me and told me that he was happy that i was okay. i joked and said u r sure with me out of the picture life might not be so confusing for you. he said that he would not know what do if something happened to me. then he kissed me. and said that he loved me and walked the way. i am standing there thinking what was that. then today he called and we was talking bout when we went to the smoky mountains for vacation he was saying how much he would like to go again. i said i would too i think we both need a vacation. he said true. he said i will getting back with you on that vacation it sounds really good. so i left it at that. i dont know what happened the past few days but i am happy to see that he wasnt mad for my out burst. i didnt say i was sorry for it either..
NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!
my DH just called and said that OW must have seen him do that.I guess she texted him saying i hope you had fun!!!!
i am smiling ear to ear!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

i am so confuse about his feeling towards me lately. we spent 3 hours on the phone yesterday talking. he said that OW had her stuff packed( she has done this numerous times but never leaves) i said well are you going to beg her to stay? he said no the only person i think i should be begging is you. i said and what would you be beggin me for/ he said for you to take me back. and for give me for how bad i hurt you. i said well that all sounds nice but the fact is you are still going home to her. and until i know she is gone completely those are meaningless words.
he told me when he kissed me it seemed so right and how much i have been on his mind since. he says that he truely misses me. but i just dont know if i can believe it. the OW is suppose to moving out today(keep your fingers crossed!!) my daughter was tried to call him this morning for something but his cell phone went to voice mail. so i dont know what is going on. i am going crazy!!!! i hope what he was saying to me was true. i dont want to be involved in a bunch of head games. i know i need to be patient i will know what i need to know tomorrow. that is if she is moved out or not. any advice out there?
i feel i have him on the pole but i cant reel him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

status report:
daughter just called him and i guess the OW is still there. i guess she hasnt moved out or isnt going to go anywhere. i dont know what it is going to take to get rid of her. i know i know he has to be the one but i feel he is just wimpy to say anything to her. i wish you could have heard the things he was saying to me yesterday. he is like night and day. i just have to wait it out. i will be talking to him tomorrow once he goes to work. he talks a lot more there. anybody with any kind of advice on this?
or is he just trying to soothe both of us?

today:
DH called me. he wasnt that busy at work so i came by and picked him up and we went driving around and just talking. we sat and ate lunch together. i think we was together for about 3 hours or so. it was nice to talk to him. he held my hand and told me that he loved me. i told him i never have stopped loving him. but what about the OW? he said she still saying that she is moving and her things are packed. i told him i think she is going anywhere. we had a nice time just being together. he said that he had forgotten how relaxing it is to be around me. he said he is always tensed up around her. i told him that he choose that and he has to be the one to deal with it and make sure his feelings are true to me. he said he never had stopped loving me. he dont know what he was thinking everything happened to fast with her. he dont know how it even got this far.
that was about it on our conversion about the OW. we talked about maybe planning a trip to the mountains in a month or 2.
i dont want to get my hopes up high and have them crashing down again. i am trying not to take everything that he says has the truth. even though i want to be i still have to have my guard up. the OW is still in the picture and till she is gone i cant really know what is going on with him.
even after i dropped him back off he called me about 3 times. telling me over and over again how much he enjoyed our time together.
do you really think he is over the OW?

no I think your husband is cake eating to the MAX

GORGING INFACT

all because you allow it..

I think your husband tells you lie after lie....
and then goes to the OW
and tells her

lie after lie...

I think it is blood money he gives you to fix the car...
play the rescuer...

you want his attention .
send the money back..

say my parents your mother my brother your brother my friend your business partner are lending me giving me the money so I don't and won't need a n y from you....

bs you are ALWAYS where he wants you

he gets to rescue you therefor assuring his ROLE of being valiant and good while his real actions

ABANDONING HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND PLAYING DADDY TO SOME TOTALLY F-ED UP WOMANS CHILDREN...

but!!!!!!!!!!!!

he whispers sweet nothings to you and pays you off....

and you eat it up...

I don't mean this to be tough...
but you are playing in to his game..


why in heavens would he be motivated to change a thing...

the fact that he goes home to those other children and does wrong by them...

playing daddy while he waits for the OW to pack her things..

trifles with their feelings and NEED for security and safety...

vile
are his acts in response to children

yours, his and hers.....

can you see it...

those poor poor souls...waiting for the shoe to drop to once again be abandoned by another grownup who doesn't even have the balls to do it himself...


it's sickening

you give him your power
you give him your control
you hand it to him with each contact...

you need to stake your claim as having so much greater value than his treatment of you...

bs there is no point in me going on if you can't see this..

he gives you crumbs and reflection doing wrong by all people in his life...

and you take it...

can you see it
are you interested in stopping...

I know it hurts
I know you are confused
I know you are shaken scared to the core....

but you are coming in to your own where you actually believe things are good between the two of you..
yet they are all lies...and you are begining to believe him and look forward to more time like this...

very very dangerous

ARK

thank you for your input
first of all i didnt ask for the money he gave it to me. and yes i will take it because i think i deserve it and that is less money he can spend on OW.
i know i still have strong feeling for him but not enough for me to fall into a trap where i am going to be sloppy seconds while he is with her. we are just talking and it will continue to be that until she is out of the picture for good. and of course we do some MC. i see a therapist already and take AD. i was angry and stayed angry for a long time and it just kept me down. i do say what i am feeling when it comes to him i do not hold nothing back. and since my last outburst at him he has been different maybe because i told him i wanted out and i dont want to be living like this no more he can have that life he picked for himself i hope she was worth it and she can fulfill your every needs. that is emotional and support besides the phyiscal. because i was no longer going to be his therapist or his best friend.
maybe that shook him up some. i dont know. i wish i knew what he was thinking but i dont really and until she is gone i really dont trust every word he says. i do have my guard up and i will not be no booty call either.
but i dont really see anything wrong in talking how else will we be able to work thru what has happened. my daughter does not know and i would not tell her anything until i know for sure that he is over her and committed on working on our marriage.
so my guard will be up. but i think being mean and angry all the time is not going to solve anything.he is not going to walk all over me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BSJ
You really should listen to Ark.

He is cake eating-- he is getting his emotional needs met by you AND the OW. Sex with her and companionship with you. Right now he is probably feeling pretty darned 'hot' that he has two women fighting over him and he doesnt have to do anything at all... just sit and enjoy the situation.

I'm a former BS, too. (I've also had gastric bypass surgery [six months post-op] and I'm so happy that I did) My husband was a serial adulterer and it was the realization that he actually was going to finally lose me that whipped him right back into shape. We have been recovered for three years now and even have a new son (19 months old). FWH is finally a man I'm proud of. He also, though, tried to play the 'keep my wife as a friend' game with me... and I used to play it. Then I got smart.

You have to play smart, BSJ.

I realize you are supposed to be in Plan A, but when dealing with an active cake eater, you are going to quickly have to place your boundaries.

Next time your husband wants to get away with you for some quiet time, ask him if he is still living with the OW. If the answer is yes, then, as pleasantly as you can, explain that you can't see him until she is gone. You are his wife and should never be disrespected and put in a situation to act like a mistress.

Then do EVERYTHING Ark suggested. I would bet anything that the moment your husband has even a doubt, an inkling, an idea that you might *gasp!* actually moving forward in your own life as an independent person, he will DITCH the parasite and her kids. Doing 180s works, it honestly does! I used them with rounding success (took my husband 48 hours to find a counselor & flip out when I stopped taking his calls LOL).

Putting up boundaries or doing 180s (ark's suggestions) have NOTHING to do with being mean or angry.

You are teaching the WS a lesson... you are not at their beck and call. You are showing strength when all they have seen before is desperation and weakness.

180s are also a great way to work on those things about yourself you have wanted to change.

If you think you shook him up with your words, honestly, imagine what your ACTIONS would do to his little world if you could just follow through.

I tried to find the 180s list, but I am having trouble with the search feature, hopefully someone else can point them out.
I changed a lot about myself that I did not like and it really did help our recovery, because I felt better about myself after finally becoming proactive. I am now a much better homemaker, I am more active, my kids have a more involved mom, and hubby finds me much more interesting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its ok that you accepted his help with the SUV... but consider having this the last time YOU ALLOW him to help you. There is nothing more enticing to a WS than a BS who suddenly doesn't need or fixate on them anymore!!!

It works. It really, really does. I can't stress that enough.

Let's put together a plan for you with everyone's help if you need it. Right now you seem to be all over the place and the one thing you really need right now is to be able to focus.

i took your advice and didnt answer any calls from him. the next thing i know my daughter has let him in.( no school because of weather) he was asking why wasnt i answering the phone. i told him that i just didnt feel like talking today. he said are you mad at me or did i do something?
i said well you are doing something but i cant change that you can. i feel like i am the OW and not the wife. until you can choose who u want to be with maybe its best that we dont get into long conversions or remember the past. because you are telling me one thing and yet you still go home to her every night. so i just find it easier this way.
he didnt say anything he just gave me a hug and left.
mojodiva how did you deal with this?
it is true my emotions is all over the place. one minute i love him and the next i get upset at myself for even thinking of having any thing to do with him considering the last 6 months has been like. i told him i dont know him and he isnt the man i married 9 years ago or the person i have known for 18 years. that person would have never have done the things he has. i guess i still cant get over the shock of it all. i know i keep saying that but it is true. and since it was valentines day it really has been hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your emotions are all over the place because you allow yourself to have contact with the WS more than you should.

A hug from a WS, is not a hug.....it is meant to suck the life from your soul. It is meant to leave you depressed and very low.

Limit your contact with the WS. Do this by identifying your personal and marital boundaries, then implement them. Are you finished with your plan A improvements?

If the WS asks if you are upset with him...don't explain, just say yes, then walk away. Let him pursue you with questions. It is vital to your H's recovery to wear down the WS. One way is to make him wonder what you are up to or what you are thinking. Give him just enough to make him wonder but no full explanations. Once he gets what he feels is enough info, he will leave. Then what? You will be hurt.

So it is better to leave the WS in limbo and the BS NOT be hurt.

L.

the full update

sorry i havent been able to get on lately. i have been working alot of hours. i took some of the advice from the other members and left my DH alone. he called me everyday. then 2 days ago i recieved the strangest phone call. it was from OW aunt!!! i am thinking what the h----! she talked nice to me but i know it was just to get information. i told the truth. about how he says he is confused and he still loves me and i know their business (DH andOW) because he tells me every thing. then she started saying that OW needs proof i told her i am not doing that i am the wife she can do her own kind of detective work. i said but she asked my daughter last week about things and my daughter told her the truth what more does she need. i am the one that is trying to keep everything together i am the one that worries about my daughter feelings. the OW should have never ask her that. she got her answer. the OW aunt was said she was unaware of some things that had been going on. i ask her what was the purpose of her call? i said i know OW had to give you my number because it was unlisted. she could not answer me. but dont you know yesterday DH called me and said why did you talk to OW? i said i never talked to her. OW aunt called me. i said what you are having a bad day/ i said i have had a bad 6 months. i dont know why you had to bring me down in order to bring yourself up. i didnt do nothing wrong. he said i am tired of both of you i am going to be by myself. and he hung up!
i hope this is his wake up call. you guys kept saying exposure i hope that this it. i hope that didnt put more distance between us. i dont know if the OW is moving out or what?
i could not sleep last night all of this kept going thru my head!!!!
Help! you think i did the right thing by talking to OW Aunt???????

[color:"red"] What plan are you working? .... Plan A, right? [/color]



he's not prepared to be by himself
he is only saying words to elicit an emotional response ~~~> TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS .... here is what you do ~~~> HIDE YOUR BUTTONS ... and don't tell WH where you put them !!!!



you will know when he has his wake up call ... a REASONABLE person will be talking to you ... not an angry adulterous man who is "waa-waa-ing" because he can't have his cake and eat it too


exposure means opening the door to show the lies and deception and letting the truth speak


I hope it did ... having some distance between you and a nut-job-adulterous man is fine

he is acting just like an addict
mean
snarley
childish


even if they separated TODAY, your H is still behaving in non-acceptable ways



you got pulled into high drams .... and high drama is not a very good sleeping pill




it was fine

but don't take any more of her calls

distance yourself from the crazy people
if you don't ... you start to take on their appearance of lunatic-fringe

Pep

bjs, you are ripe for Plan B. Do you know about Plan B and how it works? Your H is cake eating.

I would also suggest that you don't allow your DD to be exposed to this filthy affair. She should never be around the OW, lest she will take that as your stamp of approval and grow up morally confused. If your H wants to visit with her, he can do it away from his wh*re house.

thanks
i was beginning to wonder if i was wrong to speak to her. i dont plan on talking to her anymore. i have said all i needed to say to them. you spoke of plan b how does it work? should i be in a or b?
i dont know from day to day how or what i should feel towards my DH. my daughter spoke to OW son at school and he said that DH got a tattoo that cover up his back. she said mom that dont sound like my dad what is going on with him? i told her i wish i could answer that but i cant. i think he needs to see a therapist just for himself. he has some issues going on and i am beginning to worry about him because he just keeps doing crazy things!!!!!

just got off the phone with my sister in law she told me that DH told her that OW packed up her things and left.
well now she is gone for today now what? should i call him or leave him alone? i think she will be back before the weekend is up. my SIL says that since he has been with OW he hasnt been the same. hopefully OW is gone for good and he can be happy again.
i said we will see. i said i say she will be back. my SIL said she hopes not.

status:
my daughter and i went to visit my SIL today she just had surgery so we wanted to check up on her. she was telling that DH was over the night before and she said she notice that he is so down and depressed and his actions are just not him anymore she said it was a stranger in her brothers skin. he kept telling her that he dont understand why i talked to OW aunt. she told him why are you putting all the blame on her(me)? she said dont you think that OW had alot to do with that. they called her she didnt call them. she leaves you guys alone.she dont have people calling OW or you. she said he just got quiet.he said that he just needs time alone and think. my SIL said well if that is the case then do it but that should include no contact with OW. she said she told him that really needs to think if she left and she has left before then she is going to be leaving all the time.
that was about all she told me. he did send me a text saying that he will be buying our dog his presents later in the week.(our boxer b day we treat them just like our kids)he said that he called our daughter and had her to put the phone to his ear. so he could sing to him( i know we sound crazy but we love our pets!) the only thing i texted back was OK and turned the phone off. but i got a feeling that OW is back over with him.my SIL that she was calling that night and he would look and let it go to voice mail.
i have a question for you guys
my SIL and i was discussing this should i call and let our family doctor know about his behavior? i have been on alot of web sites and all of his actions goes to depression which does run in his dads side of the family. maybe some meds will help with his thinking? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes. Let the doctor know. I let our doctor's know. When our family physican saw the then WS, he said WS looked sickly. He knew exactly why and gave WS a firm talking to. It didn't stop the A but exposure helped me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It gave me the support I needed to that the WS couldn't say I was the only one who thought he looked sick. Even the doctor confirmed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

well DH has diabetes and he dont take his meds for that like he should. his blood sugar has been so high that it has not register on the meter before. me and his family is concerned for him. my daughter mentioned that she dont even know her dad anymore when she sees him it looks like him but she is scared that he isnt taking care of himself. i know i should be so concerned but i know with the ordeal going on with us and OW it is not helping his health. he just went to the doctor last week because he was having chest pains. i made the appt and called him. i know i should be so involved. but he never did none of that kind of stuff. i dont want him to die unless its me choking him( just kidding on that)!

All the more reason to let the doctor know. If he is not taking care of himself, the doctor has the power to commit him if his health gets in serious danger. Diabetes is a common illness (unfortunately - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) and that can give you another set of eyes on watching for your H.

Of course the OW isn't taking care of him....the A is a very selfish disease.

In my case the OW claimed she was going to make the Ws 'happier, healthier and wealthier than he ever was with his family'.

Boy was I mad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> when I had to take the WS to the doctor. I told the doctor what the OW had promised and he said the OW was toxic even for the WS. LOL!!!

L.