From Penalty Kill

I'm writing this post, hoping that it catches the eye of a poster from another forum, soccermom. Her H left her *and their three children* in Sept and is living with a single OW. She filed for D, but she is still in love w/him. She posted asking whether she should expose the A to the OW's parents. She received some replies saying that she shouldn't expose, that she should just move on, that exposure will make her appear bitter, etc.

Sigh. Very bad advice.

I sent her a PM asking her to check out this site, and telling her to expose to the OW's parents and at their job, since H and OW work together. If ever there was a good cause for exposure, this is it, IMO.

She said she will check MB. I'm hoping that people will have some advice for her that is exposure related, because I think she could use it. Plan A advice would be good too, come to think of it.

AMEN!

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!!

Thanks again penalty...
Just to clarify WH and other woman are not living together...as far as I know...She is in her early 20's and I believe she still lives with her parents.

I am hesitant to out him at work...because he is supporting us...I am going back to work in a month...but his job is the only income now...

I have thought of telling her parents....because if I were a young woman from a respectable family I would be mortified if my parents knew about my adulturous relationship. But I wonder if I am projecting my sensibility on her...and maybe she would feel no shame...or find a way to use it to hurt me.

Basically, i have not told anyone the details. Although everone has assumed that he is being unfaithful.

I would appreciate any constructive advice ...s.

Don't think about this Soccemom.....You will never get this straight in your mind and the more you think you more you will allow fear of what will happen creep in.

I called the OW 10 times and hung up each time before getting the confidence to do the right thing. I thought too much.....

Expose to her family, friends, her family, friends, his boss...

He will be peeved! But like Steve Harley said "You can survive your mate's anger but three people in your marriage."

Expose to the light of day..

Expose

Exactly how much more can she (or WH) hurt you and your children???

They can't.

There is strength and courage to be found in taking action....YOU MATTER TOO.

Like cockroaches when you turn the light on...adulterers often scramble for the darkness when exposed. Affairs need secrecy to thrive. Dr. Harley's research has found that nearly all affairs end within 2 years of exposure. Even if you fail to save your marriage, extracating this woman from your husbands life and hence your childrens lives forever is an important consideration also.

Mr. Wondering

SM,

"I am hesitant to out him at work...because he is supporting us...I am going back to work in a month...but his job is the only income now..."

Divorce is expensive...doubles your costs...and I believe marriage is priceless. What do you prize more...income or how you will look back on yourself and your actions for the rest of your life? Exposure is acting from truth and reality...their A may be hurting that company, other coworkers...you don't know. What you know is that by not exposing, you are consciously conspiring to keep truth from others...like WH and OW are.

You're better than that.

"I have thought of telling her parents....because if I were a young woman from a respectable family I would be mortified if my parents knew about my adulturous relationship."

If you base your principles on situations, then you live situation to situation...and your choices are based through your own filter...what you would do...rather than an objective one...can feel like running in circles some time. Sharing truth and being honest isn't about if they need or want to know...it is stopping them from being in the dark, if they are...only doing your part in sharing information.

"But I wonder if I am projecting my sensibility on her...and maybe she would feel no shame...or find a way to use it to hurt me."

Again...making your choices based on possible response leaves you a slave to everyone else on the planet...their possible response controls your power...please understand that you have inherent choice, constantly...and choosing from your own code...to live from honesty...is being in your power.

Be honest with yourself...how much more can she try to hurt you than sleeping with your WH? You've hit the limit...if you come from truth, the pain LESSENS.

"Basically, i have not told anyone the details. Although everone has assumed that he is being unfaithful."

Living in assumptions...means living in lies...keeps us from feeling fear with what we don't know...and that's fantasy, much like what your WH is in...what you don't know, you don't know. What you do, you share. That's humans thriving.

"I would appreciate any constructive advice ...s."

This was my experience, as constructive and loving as I get...I don't know if you'll consider it this way...I know that you have a lot of human power you're giving away...and your marriage, your children, YOU are worth keeping it. It's yours.

Your choices matter.

You matter.

We're here to remind you of that. You are whole, complete and marvelously made...separate from and equal to every person on this planet...what you will do for your marriage...gives to YOU...so you can say, "I did everything possible to save my marriage" whether it's saved or not. You get that greatness for life. No one can take it from you. Remains in your power, your choice, to do it or not.

LA

I am working on a letter to her parents...stating only the facts as I know them...That I found out my WH was having an affair from phone records...that he moved out and for many months I did not know who the phone number belonged to

That I recieved an anonomous phone call (I believe it came from OW) telling me who she was...a co-worker..and that the affair is ongoing...I know that her parents would not want her in this relationship, and are likely to be allies...even if they take their anger out on me or make me feel crazy...

But...as long as I have your ear I have a few more questions...Last year, before the A, WH told me that this woman was having an affair with another married man...and that she had broken up with her boyfriend for that relationship...should I let her know that I know about this other affair? (does that question even make sense?)

And I am wondering how much I should tell my family and his family...like I said they have pretty much figured it out...but would acknowledging the affair cause problems if we ever do reconcile?

I would focus on the facts you know firsthand.

Emphasis the 3 children whose family is being destroyed by their daughters actions.

Give them a way to contact you. Do not make your letter anonymous.

And be ready for VENOM. But do not let it distract you.

Also, if you want to save your marriage get started on Plan A behaviors. Have you had much time to read the articles here?

Welcome....

SM, tell everyone the full facts. Simply tell the OW's parents that their D is having an affair with your H and ask for their help in stopping their D. Tell them who you are and that you have children and are trying to save your marriage. Tell your parents and his parent and his employers the same thing. They need the FULL FACTS.

Telling your families will cause trouble for your H's affair and that is exactly what you want.

This exposure will increase your chances of reconciliation, not hinder it, because exposure ruins affairs.

this is the letter i am working on...

Dear Mr. and Mrs XXX

My name is XXX. My Husband is XXX, he works for XXX. this summer I became aware that my husband was involved in an extramarital affair. I found hundreds of text messages and phone calls to one number. (xxx)xxx-xxxx.

When I confronted him he refused to tell me who the number belonged to, but moved to a rented house in XXX,XX (OW's town) Many months later I found out that this phone # belongs to XXX XXX, who I believe is your daughter.

I am writing to you, not to cause you pain, but because I have been advised that affairs thrive in secrecy. I believe that we all have reasons to want this affair to end. MMy husband and I have three young children, who miss their father, and who are suffering from his abandonment. I am sure that you do not want your daughter to continue her involvment with such a man.

If you need to reach me my e--mail is XXX@XXX.com

Sincerely, soccemom

I like it.

Can you also say you love your husband very much and want to save your marriage and are asking for her help in separating your husband from her daughter?

I think I can tell his family...i am not sure what he has told them...but they have called me to offer support...I think the realize that I will be more responsible in fostering a relationship between them and my children....WH has been distant from them through our entire marriage....

I know that they will create alot if drama if I confide in them...They will probably want to contact OW and her family...don't know if that is a good idea or not...

I am frightend about telling my family...because thet are already against reconciling....They loved him like a son and feel betrayed...and are very disgusted that he could treat me and their grandchildren so badly....I don't know if they could ever forgive him....

I don't know who to tell on his job...He and OW are RNs at a large hospital...don't know if there is apolicy about coworkers "dating"....I do know that his supervisor is a BS whose WH lost his job due to his affair....she might be an ally...but I have never met her and don't know how to approach her...

I am also fearful of WH's reaction...he has never been violent...but I have never pushed him like this....So I was thinking of waiting until Feb. 13...because I am taking the kids to visit my parents in fla fpor a week...hopefull he would calm down by the time we got back..

This is very good! I would rework a few sentences to ENSURE they understand EXACTLY the point. You don't want to leave any wiggle room. I would word this a little differently so that it comes across clearly. Something like:

" My name is XXX. My Husband is XXX, he works for XXX. We have been married XYZ years and have 3 children, ages 2,4, and 6. This summer I became aware that my husband was involved in an extramarital affair with your daughter, SkankyHo. I have documented hundreds text messages and phone calls to each other. My H left us suddenly in <enter date> to carry on his affair with your D.

I am writing to you, not to cause you pain, but to ask you to persuade your D to end her affair with my husband. I believe that we all have reasons to want this affair to end. My husband and I have three young children, who miss their father, and who are suffering from his abandonment. I am sure that you do not want your daughter to continue her immoral involvement with a married man.

If you need to reach me my e--mail is XXX@XXX.com

Sincerely, soccemom"

Secondly, SM, I would suggest that you call them personally or visit them in person to follow up and ensure they recieved your letter. If she lives there, she may very well intercept the letter.

I have not been able to figure out plan a and plan b...I have been doing the 180 or no contact...(from another board) as best as I can.

Really the less I see him the stronger I feel....I had a big setback last week when my 2 year old spent 2 days in the hospital where he works with OW...crying, begging, pleading...not pretty...

trying to recover from that.

Please, please order Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley off this website and read it. Alot of the things you hear here will not make sense until you understand the dynamics of adultery. You will be miles ahead if you get this book.

In the meantime, here is an outline of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
by Pepperband

If your husband is a male nurse then his job opportunities elsewhere are endless. Exposing to the BS supervisor is priceless.

You can never recover your marriage if they continue working together anyway.

Maybe you'll get lucky and OW will get fired and WH will only get a warning. Depends a little on their employment files and how valuable they are. Often supervisors are hesitant to eliminate male nurses because they are invaluable in patient care as they generally can handle a larger (lb-wise) load.

Besides this is the OW's second affair. Was her first one with another hospital worker??? Expose that one also.

Mr. Wondering

btw, it's better to get this all exposed in one big swoop than piecemeal. You MAY choose to wait on your own parents a few days as we can offer you support here and they likely will have little ability to have any direct effect on the affair.

If you do it in steps they may be able to preempt you at the hospital and make you sound like a crazy jealous soon to be ex-wife before you even get the chance to tell your side of the story.

Mr. Wondering

I know that WH can get another job...but there is more...Here is the back story...Three years ago we moved to CT from NYC...I had our third child and have been on child care leave...WH left his job as a union carpenter to enrol in an ivy league nursing program...he will graduate in may as a nurse practicioner....

Since 2004 we have been living off savings, student loans, ans WH part-time income...He has also spent alot of time away from the family "studying" and there have been a few ambiguous female friends....

This past summer he was working lots of hours...in hosp...w/ OW...That was when I found incriminating phone bill... He moved out in September...I did not know who OW was until late Nov...

In the meantime I am living 100 miles away from family and friends...he is paying all the bills...and paying for his apt as well...money is running out....

I filed for divorce in Nov. for financial reasons....My child care leave is ending in March...so i am planning on moving back to NYC...my parents have a 2family home...and going back to my job...

WH is upset about my move...He thinks that I should get a lower paying job here in CT...(I have a good paying civill service job in NY...w/10 years into a 25 year retirement)

So anyway...about outing him at work...the job is temporary...he will move to a higher paying job in a few months....and i am afraid and embarrased....

Expose the affair at work, SM, it will cause huge conflict in the affair. I suspect he has adopted a players lifestyle because he never has to face any consequences. He nver recovered from his last affair so here we are once again. And will be again, unless and until he ever faces any consequences and is forced to address the cause. If he gets booted, it is because of his affair, after all. He is perfectly willing to take that risk.



We were all afraid. We understand. But you should be more afraid of what will happen if you don't do anything to help yourself and your marriage.

got another question...after i out them to her parents and the supervisor wh is going to confront me...what do i tell him?

i am guessing he will be irate...do i tell him that i still love him and am trying to end the affair and fight for our marriage...or do i simply tell him that this is the consequense of an affair...