I think affairs with "friends" are the cruelest and most insidious. In a regular affair, it is obvious to everyone that lines are being crossed. When the infidels play the "just friends" card, it is harder to see. Also onlookers often deny that there is anything untoward going on.

It takes a particularly dishonorable woman to go after someone's husband while pretending to be friends with the wife.

I'm a latecomer to this thread, but it strikes very close to home with me as well.

My X as of Wed. H was emotionally involved with our neighbor across the street. I called him on it, which is what blew everything wide open. Turned out that another "friendship" that he had had about 13 years ago had been a full blown affair that he had lied about when confronted. Guess he couldn't keep living the lie. He also didn't really want to do the work to get through it - after all, it was 10 years ago (at that time). He decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Admittedly, I didn't do a stellar plan A or B or anything for that matter.

CnD:
This is Pep's famous "Carrot and Stick of Plan A." (This is assuming you know what Plan A is...a brief desciption can be found here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html ) In reference what I was TRYING to say in my earlier post...this says it MUCH more succinctly:

Pep's Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Hey just wanted to know how things are going?? I have been thinking about you... and I can so relate how afraid you are that you don't want to make him anymore mad at you or give him anymore to use against you.. but what you cannot see is that it isn't you it is him... you did nothing.... relaly he is just trying to make himself feel better therefor switching any and all blame in your direction.......

bump

Went on xanac and effexor today. The Dr took pity on me and wrote me a note for two weeks off from work. I have to get my head to clear.
I just can't keep crying like this.

Thanks for checking in on me.

((((cnd))))

The effexor will take some time to build up in your system, so do not expect a quick response. Give it time...which I KNOW seems almost cruel to say. ADs take a while, and the first one doesn't always work. I'm on zoloft now, it was my third one. How I wish they had a blood test that could determine right away what the perfect AD is...

Others here have been very critical of xanax, but I took it just about every day for a couple of months. I really did relax me...especially in the beginning when I would have these horrible, agonizing crying jags. Remember it is an anti-anxiety, so use it as such. I could take a xanax and I could at least get some sleep or stop crying or just relax instead of jumping out of my skin. I didn't experience any addiction issues...just stopped taking it one day with no problem. But be careful...especially if you have any addictive tendancies.

I'm glad you've been to the doc, I'm glad you've got some meds. GREAT first steps. Do you have someone you can be with...somewhere to go for these two weeks? You SHOULD NOT be alone. You need to have people around you and you NEED TO TELL YOUR STORY.

Do you have a support system around you? Please know that you have one here, too.

Take care of yourself. Eat...are you eating?? Keep us posted.

Glad you got some help. Just knowing that the anti-D's were going to kick in helped me.

Being off work might not be the best thing once you stop crying. It helped me to be at work and not to think about the affair all of the time.

Well, I think that the meds will help. The xanax was for the short term, while the AD builds up in my system. The reason I took a few weeks off is that I am a teacher in an elementary school, and found that it was harder and harder to put on the happy face around them.
The uncontrolled crying was what pushed me to the meds. I can't deal with this if I am crying all of the time.
I do see a counselor once a week. I saw here yesterday, and she agreed that it sounds like the time is better to get into some couples, education-based marriage therapy. H agreed, too, after I pointed out that we haven't gotten anywhere with him self-reflecting.
So,now at least I feel like I have some direction. I am writing up a summary of all the techniques and interventions that I have researched since this all started. I want him to have a big part in which way we go, so he can buy into it fully.
I know that you all are recommending exposing the EA, but I have no proof of anything concrete really happening. As long as he is willing to go to counseling, I hope that he will come to see that the shutting down and turning away, going outside the marriage, was a huge contributor to our problems (but not the only one).

As far as support, I have a trusted college friend who knows, the counselor, and one trustworthy cooworker (who went through this herself 2 years back, and gave me the recommendation for the counselor). My parents are dead, and I really miss that unconditional love right now. I have to admit, I am embarrassed to go through this, to be the one rejected. I feel like I can't talk to me closest friend, because I will look differently in her eyes, you know?

Hey, all that, and no crying! Something must be working!

Oh, going through this and being a teacher would be very difficult. I was just a zombie, but I have my own office (work in gov. contracts), and I continued to work. I can see where you need the time off.

Counseling would be very good. Be sure your counselor is good in affairs, especially emotional affairs. I'm happy your husband is agreeing to go.

You will find that posting here is one of the BEST things you can do, I can attest to that. Please continue to do so, we have all been there, some of us are STILL there, and we know the level of devastation you must be feeling right now.

You will have triggers that you may want to avoid why you are in this situation. By that, I mean the pictures, the reminders, things of that nature. Some of them are unavoidable - today I interviewed a candidate for a position in my office and her deep brown eyes reminded me of my WW. I lost focus, and tried to hold it together as my mind wandered to thoughts of my wife.

I too will begin a regimen of Zoloft this week. My doctor is also sending me away for two weeks to regroup. My goal is to keep my mind off of this and...laugh, if only once. It seems like that was a long time ago, but my story has not been that long (separated 6 weeks).

So, with that, know that you are not alone. We know OH SO WELL how you are feeling and your questions will, more often than not, be questions we have asked or heard before. It's amazing how these stories are so similiar.

My very best wishes for you, I'll pray for you -

Jay

OK well you sound like you are on the right track... Don't blame yourself for anything and though you are gonna feel crazy you arent'...... if you need anything remember email... I will talk and listen....