remember leilana? (an old timer)

her H worked with OW ... both behaved themselves ... it seemed her H was the exception

until lelana discovered the A had rekindled

risky
risky
risky

thanks, I just came across this...

I agree with the others who have stated depression as an issue. In my case, I have been dealing with depression for years prior, so it's nothing new, but this does bring you to new lows. AD's would definitely help at this time.

Looking back, I think the numbness is just one of the first steps a WS goes through when it all hits the fan. There are so many emotions going on and then when you are smacked in the face with what you have done and seen the pain it has caused, (have to face the reality that you are this person who did this very bad thing...) you just shut down for a time. Big time conflict going on inside and this is the only way to deal with it at the time, that...or explode. When you are in so much pain, at some point you shut off, defense mechanism.

The numbness will pass. The best thing I can suggest is to be patient and do your best to meet his EN's without expecting a lot in return at this point. Normalcy, I just craved normalcy.

I agree with a previous poster that said recovery cannot truly begin until there is absolutely no contact. He cannot complete withdrawal if he still has contact with her, and if he can't get through withdrawal he can't begin recovery. It's a long enough process as it is and this is just extending it even further.

LC...

I am confused about what you don't understand about Dr. Harley's saying that he is ADAMANT about there being NO CONTACT FOR LIFE??? Um, as I assume that you were living in the two years that you worked with OM, I just don't get what you don't understand about NO CONTACT FOR LIFE...Of course, Dr. Harley offers this as his ADAMANT "recommendation"-he's a counselor, not a terrorist, so he can't MAKE you do anything, but I think the word "adamant" explains very clearly just how strong his recommendation is...I honestly don't see how that can be misconstrued, unless you are trying to bend things to fit your situation, which really makes no sense whatsoever...In SAA he explains that the road to recovery is a very narrow path...It only makes sense if you want the BEST chance for marital recovery not to veer off the professionally outlined path...The fastest horse doesn't always win, but it sure makes sense to bet on him, right?

FO...

I commend your boundary of having your husband leave his job...that is the RIGHT thing to do for sure...I would have him sending resumes NOW and not wait until after tax season...If he's only been at the job for 8 months anyway, how vested can he be??? This early in the busy tax season would be a great time to get a new job as I see it...I would think that your marriage is more important than any job...He CAN get another job, but he cannot get another you...

Mrs. W

I left my job because the OM was a client who probably visited the company in person about three times a year.

I didn't know the OM was a client until the A had begun, it was completely coincidental.

NC is essential. For the FWS it is the most essential tool of MB.

You know something, I think far too much emphasis is being put on exposure.

YES, it is the right thing to do and I mean that sincerely, YES, it tells the OP's spouse to be alert but, unless the WS is prepared to be in NC then it's not the most effective tool there is. Everyone at my work knew about my A. They didn't want to "get involved". It wasn't "their business".

The real secret of MB and recovery is NC, willingly applied by the WS/FWS.

When both my WW and the OM refused to quit their jobs, my MC (and WW's IC) told us that it wasn't always realistic and necessary for someone to change jobs. Even my IC didn't think it was absolutely necessary (partly because she could see that I wasn't going to get it).

So they continued to work together but "stopped seeing each other." Only professional contact. Except they kept talking. And meeting each other's emotional needs. And then the PA started up again. And the lying. And then I finally figured it out. But I spent close to a year of my life in false recovery.

So count me among those who believe that NC for life is what's required. If I had it to do over again, I would have filed for divorce if she refused to quit.

I would agree with Jen - Recovery is totally dependent on NC being established. We moved to get away from OM and establish NC. It cost us a lot of money. But we have a recovered marriage now.

NC is the cornerstone of recovery. I am always sceptical with the few "success" stories we hear of and wonder how many of them we never hear from again when contact inevitably leads to a resumption to the affair.

NC is the tool for RECOVERY. Exposure is the tool that busts up the affair and facilitates no contact. NC is the intended GOAL of exposure.

IMO working together is very risky and the ONLY way for it to be successful is if both former affair partners are 200% committed to their marriages, which was how things ended up in my case. Of course there is no way to know that or not and I certainly can understand why the MB way is to leave a job. Although I officially ended the A, I do believe it was mutual. We were both coming out of the fog when it ended and neither of us were willing to go there again. I do know this is why we could continue to work very closely and not cross any lines.

It was a year after it ended that I told my H about the A, he had no idea that it even happened. I would also assume my FOM nor his W were following the MB way because, like my H, she did not have him quit his job. It wasn't until my H was hired at our place of employment that FOM left. My H likes to think he shoved him out the door because they are in similar positions and they would have worked closely together. The position they both hold it is required in their contracts that they give 90 days notice, so FOM had ample time to get his stuff together before he left.

The very first book I read after it ended was HNHN and shared a lot of it with my H. I didn't know this board existed until recently and we certainly could have benefited from much of the info here. I am happy I found this site now because I can honestly say my hubby and I are finally doing things right and life is pretty good these days.

It is so sad that there are new stories everyday about A's.

forgivingone,

I just noticed that your situation is quite, quite recent. I know it's hard to hear but you are in it for the long haul. He hasn't even had enough time to even come out of the fog yet, much less get through withdrawal and onto recovery. It is going to take time, and you are going to need immense amounts of patience to get through this. There will be good days and not so good ones and even a step back once in a while. Meanwhile, make sure you take care of yourself.

best of luck to you

The reason you are feeling "pretty good these days" is because NC has finally been established.

When did OM stop working with you?