Been lurking for awhile, and this is my first post.
My wife has been involved in an EA for the past month. I did establish NC once, but that lasted about a week. During the week, I saw some hope but of course that was dashed when they started seeing each other again.
This past weekend it went to a PA.

I have been Plan Aing for the past four weeks, but it looks like I will be entering Plan B this weekend.

Need some advice or just an ear. Thanks.

Welcome VR,

Sorry that you are here because of your sitch. You will get lots of help here just keep posting and give some more info so that we may be able to give you more support.

Thanks, JustKeepGoing.

This started about a month and a half ago. My W met the OM while at work and it started as an EA. In the begining of the year, I was told about it when she asked for a D.
Since then, it has been fog speak, etc...

There was one week after NC was established that went well, but then contact started again.
The PA started this past weekend, and now is rather indifferent to me.

Four weeks isn't that long.

Is there any way you can Plan A longer?

~ Marsh

I know four weeks is not that long, but given the circumstances, no I can not.

Are they still working together?

VR,

What are the circumstances?

Plan B is useless without a good Plan A. So, please let us know what the circumstances are that prohibit you from doing a Plan A.

We need more info here in order to help!

There are valid reasons... VR... this is going to get confusing the way it is being discussed.

THREADJACK!

JustKeepGoin!

Welcome back. You went away for awhile, Some sort of crisis?

What's Up?

THREADJACK OVER!

LG,

good to know i've been missed.

been lurking mostly, and trying to help a friend.

email me at the address on my profile page.

Yes, I know.

Just found out she filed last week.

Still need the background, VR!

Filed is not the end of the world... your safety and sanity are of utmost importance right now. You are most likely not assured of wither in your current situation. Be careful and act wisely. You know what to do as far as another exposure and going dark. The situation you are in is too unstable to continue this any longer.

MM, I sent you an email.

If you want to save your M then I strongly recommend you continue w/ Plan A.

Read Ark's posts about how to work a Plan A in your sitch.

Here's a good one written by her...


FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...

WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....

WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....

the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..

the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....

so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...

you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....

just history...

the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)

the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....

plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....

plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....

plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...

make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...

draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...

work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..

expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....

WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..

take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....

hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....


become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...

realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...


that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....


plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....

this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..

you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...

you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...


hope this helps some..
ark”

If you want to recover your M then knowing she filed ought to make you want to Plan A for a bit longer...

~ Marsh

The current sitch is this.

The OM stopped contact after I contacted a family member of his. Some oteher stuff happened and now he is seeing my W just to get back at me.

The consensus is, if I leave he will view that as a win for him, and then more than likely cut loose the WS. He is also not a relationship type of guy.

Plus. state of mind is not doing me any good since it went to a PA.

VR,

I understand your state of mind. been there, done that!! But, we will need all the info you can write down here in order to understand the sitch and help you.

Stuff like how old you guys are, how long married, kids?, how they met?, is he married?, have you exposed?

Let's start there! As I said, we know this is VERY difficult!!! I have been there, as have many. My wife is home now and the OM is long gone. We can help give you the tools to do this...but you car going to have to be willing to do the work.

If not, your marriage is almost certainly over!

VR,

It is too early to go to plan B. You can still plan A if your WW separates from you. You should probably give it a good 3 months before you plan B. If you have any questions, you should call SH or Dr. Harley's radio show. You can still save your M, but you will have to outlast this A.

Everyone who is trying to help, VR can not go into too much detail. If you have any questions, please email me so I can get you the full story.