VR,

I have been giving your sitch some more thought. The consensus here is it way early for plan B. So with out going into too many deatails here I would think that is something to consider. How to do it in your sitch and maintain your sanity is the question.

To all VR is not at liberty to give many details yet but your support is needed. My email is also available on my profile page for more info.

Folks:

I think that, in a situation like VR's, with no kids and a "walkaway WW", one very viable option would be for him to cut his losses and accept the DV and write the M off. But since he doesn't want a DV and his W has filed on him, plan B might just be a better way for his WW to see what life will be like without him, sooner rather than later.

In this state, as in many others, DV can take as little as 6 months to be final. If VR continues plan A remotely after his W bolts, he might still be trying to infrequently meet her needs when the DV is final.

A lot depends on how well he can hold up with the A going on under his nose.

-Qfwfq

I want to stay married, but am preparing to walk away.
The motivation for entering Plan B so soon is to get the OM out of the picture. He is only doing this to make me mad.
He has no interest in my wife other than that and as someone to have sex with.

If you want to stay married, then DON'T walk away....yet.

He's not going to quit using her if you walk away.It will only make it easier for him to continue to have sex w/ your WW.

If you are able to emotionally bear it, I suggest that you continue working a Plan A.

Don't give your WW to the OM on a silver platter.

~ Marsh

Um...

The OM already HAS his WW on a silver platter. He's only feet away at the moment. Mrs VR simply leaves the house, telling VR she may not be home, and goes and spends the night with the OM.

Major disrespect. At the moment, there is no M to save. Only the possibility of reconciliation at some later time.

This OM doesn't want responsibility for Mrs VR full-time. He only wants her when he wants her. With VR elsewhere, she'll be at his doorstep all the time, and he'll grow tired of her sooner that way.

-Qfwfq

I would suggest that he not let WW stay the night with OM. Watch her and if she goes tries to go to OM, then stop her. You need to move. See if the apartment will let you out of the lease.

It is time for him to get out of there. His safety is a concern. She is not going to stop doing wehat she is doing so long as they are living there. There is every reason to move right now. Given the details about this Om it is likely that his pursuit will stop when VR is out of the picture. Also, if his wife has a problem meeting the rent she will have to move away from the OM. A BS does NOT have to sit by like a doormat and watch as his wife walks upstairs to get laid. Sorry... but that is not acceptable and VR needs to remove himself from this situation immediately if not sooner.
VR, stay your course... there are more important things than your M at stake here.... your sanity, your safety and your dignity are all important too. You have put this off too long already. Until there is a situation where your wife does not have him right there as an option there will be no recovery. She has put you in a bad position with no choice a clear cut winner. But the things that make it easy for me are the things that will help you by leaving. And remember when you do what you are going to do this weekend... your safety becomes an issue. Remember you were already threatened once... and think not only whose lips that threat came from... but where it most likely originated.
People... this is the type of situation that can turn dangerous in a heart beat. It is time for him to get out of that burning building.

And how do you suggest he do that. Physically. That will escalate this to a whole new level. She has already shown a complete disdain for his feelings... so how exactly would you propose he stop her. I am large man... and I couldn't stop my ex from doing what she did. Well, i could have... but I would have been locked up that very night. He just is out of options here. He either sits back and WATCHES this happening or he removes himself to a healthier place. Unless you can come up with a way for him to stop her, there is no other option.

So far my plan is to leave soon and go into Plan B. At the same time, do a 2nd round of exposure to a family member of the OM. He stopped it once, maybe he can do it again.

I agree with medc here.

While I agree that exposure is the right thing to do, regarding the OM's family, I hope you realize that, at best, it'll put a damper on the A for a very short time. This OM doesn't care how his family perceives him.

-Qfwfq

If anything, it might motivate him further. He does care what his family thinks of him, especially the one I talked with.

Spite can indeed be a strong motivator, but it's a character-destroyer, not a builder.

No way to live one's life.

-Qfwfq

Let's say you let WW go freely to OM (okay you can't stop her anyway). OM wins. You lose. OM gets bored. OM dumps WW. What do you suspect WW will do after that - come running back to you begging for forgiveness? How does this play out in your mind?

She was with him earlier today, and she is with him now. You are right, I can't stop it. What am I supposed to do at this point? Be a doormat? Right now, she like in 1/2 Plan B. Hardley talks to me, or even acknowledges me, but then does weird stuff like give me a warm smile when she is heading out of the door.
I complimented her today, and she looked stressed when I did.
When the A ends, if she wants to come back I will make a decision then.

When I say keep her from staying w/ OM, I mean, kick her out of the apartment so OM isn't so close.

Also, get with a lawyer and file an AOA lawsuit against OM. Hit him where it hurts, in the wallet.

I'm certainly not recommending you be a doormat. There seems to be a bit of a discussion as to whether you should remain in Plan A a bit longer or go to Plan B immediately. You have said you have compelling reasons to go straight to Plan B. I think I am trying to summarize the thought process as I am somewhat familiar with your sitch. Conventional wisdom says to stay in Plan A for a while. In your case, I might tend to agree with your assessment based on what you think OM will do. I agree it is highly likely that OM will go on to greener pastures once he has his trophy. My doubt is to where WW will go when he does. A good Plan A will increase the probability that she comes back to you. A bad Plan A or no Plan A and she will graze elsewhere too. Tough call.

Call Dr. H, call SH, and get a PLAN that coincides with what you want to accomplish and what you can tolerate.

I can't even do a good plan A anymore. A month ago, when NC was going on, it was actually easy. I saw her anger and depression. Ever since she obtained some info, the whole thing went south fast. Now, I am treated as if I no longer exist.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Plus do not forget this fact everyone...PLEASE.... the OM in this case is not entirely stable. Living there could be harmful to your health. Please take it from an ex cop who went to many homes for very sad reasons... this can have a bad outcome with OM living right upstairs. DO NOT take this issue lightly.

VR... take care of you first!

Many WSs who are aware of MB try at some level to use plan A/B against the BS. The results would be laughable, if the M wasm't at stake.

Doesn't work.

-Qfwfq