jks

I too had an affair and caused my H great pain, my whole family in fact.
I do understand your fears and desperation in wanting your H back however thats not going to be your choice, its his as it was my husbands.

Why does he pull away? because he DOES NOT TRUST YOU. For a year you slept with another man, you and I shared the most intimate things with another, thoughts and feelings and touches we should only have shared with our H's.
He has doubts, maybe about his manhood, his skills as a lover/husband, his self respect, his life with you up to now.
So he loves you but right now is not sure he WANTS you.

No matter what you say, no matter to a certain extent what you do, he is not ready to have you back as his wife. A few months to him of you wanting him mean NOTHING to him right now. All he sees and hears in his head is you with the OM. He spent a year doing this.
What do your sorry's mean to him? What does your expressions of love mean to him? not much right now I would guess.
The moments he can push that aside he is more generous and wants reconciliation, until the doubts, hurt, and distrust returns.

You see you have worked through your affair and decided "I stuffed up but want my M and my H" you are ready to work on the M but your H has not worked through his concerns, pain and doubts yet, Be careful YOUR timetable doesn't drive him away for good.
You see your cannot get your M back as you want. Please understand that. I firmly believe a Marriage dies during affairs. BUT your H may want in the future a NEW marriage, its what you have to fight for if you want your H. It can and does happen. it happened to me.

What do you do? Lets look at some question put to me by my MC
what can you do to show your H you have worked out where you went wrong?
what can you do to show him you now have the skills and knowledge not to go down this path again?
Why should he trust you again?
What boundaries have you on your behaviour when your H is not around?

and there are so many to go through but one at a time and it WILL take time, many months. Its hard and it hurts and you may NEVER win your H back. Thats a bald fact you have to face.

The other thing is to see that your marriage did not get to the place it did that allowed you to choose an affair by itself, both of you are responsible for that one. Not either one of you but both.

So, ready for the fight of your life?

Then listen to Mortarman, Just Learning and others and read and learn to begin. You will be challenged and asked HARD questions and feel like you are being hit by 4x2's but these people KNOW this stuff. Vent all you like here that’s ok but listen and learn what they are saying. Put into practice the MB principles. So much as you will learn is just plain common sense

I know I have a lot to learn,and a long fight ahead,but am willing to do whatever it takes!I am constantly seeking help and advice,and am currently reading "After the Affair"!You asked what I am doing to show my H that he can trust me and what boundaries I have put on my behavior?First,I always wear my wedding ring, and when he makes smart [censored] comments about why I wear it,I tell him because I am M and completely recommitted to my M,and want everyone to know!He also knows I am seeing 2 counselors,and I have told him some of the things I have learned!Even though I still go to and work at the gym,which is where the OM works,I told him I only go before noon,so there is never a chance that I might see the OM, who works evenings!I have also told him I would completely quit the gym if he wanted,and he said that the last thing he wants is for me to have to completely change my life to make this M work!I told him he was worth it!But he still said no!So my question is do I just focus on myself and give him his space right now, and not call or txt if he dosen't!I don't want to push him further away!There is a saying if you love someone let them go,and if they love you they will come back!

i am not sure how our stories our similar when you are still seeing the OM,and I have not for months!I am completely recommitted to working out my M,and want nobody else!Why would your H want to work out your M if you are still seeing OM?

jksmith,

I would recommend that you make plans to find somewhere else to work or workout. You do this for yourself first and foremost. You also said
What you give him is respect NOT space. Do you see the difference. You don't force yourself on him, but YOU make the effort to contact him and just talk about the weather if nothing else. The last thing you said is soooo romantic, but it is not truly correct in recovery.

You already let go of him once and it was a mistake. IF he decides he must leave you, then you have no choice but let him go. But, girl, your job is to fight for this marriage IF you want it, and you don't do it by just saying "Oh well, he's unhappy, I'll stand back and do NOTHING."

What you do is show him "respectfully" that you care, you are growing, you WILL be a better woman, partner, friend, and yes W as the years go on. He does not realize this yet and perhaps you don't either, but you working on yourself is about you and your H being happier in the next 20-30 years than you have been in the first years.

Further, you are NOT changing your life to make this work. YOu are protecting YOURSELF and your marriage, which ARE you life. If you can find other work, do so.

Does this make sense JKS? I hope so. You are really doing well, have patience with him AND yourself. This takes time, but I sense you are heading in the right direction and actually so is your H. He will struggle for awhile.

God Bless,

JL

I pray you are right JL,and thanks so much for all the good advice!It is very helpful!It's just so hard for me to call and talk to him when he seems like he dosen't want to talk to me,and I am bothering him!He never really had a lot to say,which was never a problem before!He used to want to talk all the time,now he can only handle intimacy with me!

jks I do think you should really find another job asap and then once you find it leave the other one.

I think this is very important to show your H you are completely willing to give up the OM and the place ( work) where the A started.

It demonstrates to your husband your willingness to actually do something that is totally for him. Not a sacrifice but a gift. This has even more effect if he knows its something, someplace that you value.

Lets be blunt, you can go to many gyms even if it takes a few weeks to find a job. He will not take you seriously while he know the OM attends or works at your gym/workplace.
I would bet he feels you are seeing the om despite what you say.

please consider this move seriously.

I left my job even though the OM had left as well. Working at the same place the A started was like putting it his face every time anything to do with work came up.

it was worth it in the end.

"I would completely quit the gym if he wanted,and he said that the last thing he wants is for me to have to completely change my life to make this M work!I told him he was worth it!But he still said no!S""

Change gym anyway.. It could be that he is testing you.

so switch gym ASAP

I don't work full time at the gym!I am an aerobics instructor,and teach two classes a week!But I think that you are right about finding another gym!H did seem surprised the other night when he asked me if I still talked to OM,and I told him not in months!I am going out tonight dancing with about 20 friends,and a mutual friend called and said he was coming with my H!I really hope he comes cuz I think it would be good for us to have fun and dance together!And he knows I am going cuz I invited him the other night,but he has not called since!I am very nervous though because I don't know how to act around him anymore!He is so different these days!Our mutual friend said you are still his wife,just be yourself!Easier said than done,when he dosen't treat me like his wife,or even his friend anymore!

Agree with the others that the first step is to quit that gym. I would then send the OM a no contact letter, example below, and give your H a copy of it. That will show him you are really serious about ending your affair and is the first step in rebuilding trust.

What was your mother's reaction to your affair? Did she support your H in all this?

Sample NO CONTACT letter


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she's been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

My mother completely supported my H,and my M,and even though she was here for me and still is,she didn't agree with my actions!She said I was following in her footsteps and it made her sad!But she talked to my H all the time during the A!

jk, did you read the rest of my post?

When you ended your A why didn't you move back home? It seems to me that you had an opportunity to do so as I read your sitch. What is keeping you from goin go home now? It is your home and you are married. It seem to me the best place to work on recovering your M is in the home.

It might just show your H that you really want this M and are done with OM. MO FWIW.


On the other hand:

BTW the letting go, Opening the cage door, is exactly what I did and my FWW finally came home for good. Not exactly a Harleys' principal but that's what happened in my case.

JK, Mel is right...read and listen to Mel's advice. She and JKG helped me tremendously just a month ago.

Also, I've been lookin' for JKG....where have ya been?

Just needed to tell you thanks...already told Mel! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ace

H dosen't barely want to talk to me let alone have me move home!And when my A ended I had no choice of moving home!He had allready changed!I wish more than anything I could go home!I moved out and it's his house now,so it is his choice!

I read all of your post and think it's a great idea to send the letter!Although H dosen't seem to care much what I do right now!He dosen't even call or want to put any effort in right now,and nothing I do seems to matter!

Well, I can certainly understand why given what he has been through. But, if you demonstrate that you are really serious about ending your affair this time, enough to quit the gym and send the OM a "get lost" letter, he might start taking a second look. It will take ALOT to convince him you are serious this time; this will be a good first step.

He needs to have every assurance that you do what it takes to affair proof your marriage before he even thinks about reconciliation. Show him you are serious, jk.

jks

this reaction from your H is not unusual in the circumstances, in fact that he is even around you at all is a good sign. but he is not sure of you. He doesn't trust you not to hurt him again.
A lot of what you do will seem as if its having no effect for some time, months in fact. Even when I felt like I had 'proven' myself to my H it was like "Yeah? So what" the problem was to him I hadn't so whatever I felt about it did not matter. Even now I would say trust is a bit of a problem its not automatic. The trust doesn't relate just to my having an affair I believe he does not think I would do that ever again, its the whole of me he has reservations about.
We can talk about it sometimes but you see its what he feels, doesn't matter if its not demonstrated or disproved by my actions, its what he feels. That is what you face for now and yes its hard.
you just need to keep plugging away day by day

Thank you for your imput AW!It's nice to hear from someone who has been through it!And believe me I am not going to stop fighting!Last night About twnety of my friends and family as well as my H went out to a dance club!My H did not come with me,but knew I was going to be there as I had invited him a couple days before!And even though the majority of the night he didn't say a whole lot to me,the fact that he came knowing I would be there meant a lot!A couple times I tried talking to him and he was pretty cold!It almost seemed like he was putting on an act like he didn't care!But I just kept having a good time,and dancing and eventually he ended up dancing with me,but at that point he was pretty toasted!Anyway he danced with me for the last hour,and he kissed me and held me close,which felt so good!At one point I grabbed his face and looked him straight in the eye and told him I loved him with all my heart and soul,and even though he didn't respond he pulled me close and sighed!When it was time to go he walked me to my car and kissed me,and then asked me to stay the night with him and even though I wanted to I told him that I really wanted to but I didn't think it was a great idea!I knew what he wanted!After that I told him I loved him and to be safe!When I got home he called and continued to beg me to come over and stay with him,and wanted to talk about sexual things!I asked him why that's all he ever wanted to talk about with me,and he said cuz he is a guy and that's where he is right now!He wanted to know if he pleased me,and if I enjoyed sex with him!So what is his complete obsession with sex about!Within minutes of us dancing he was turned on,it was pretty obvious!He says I turn him on like no other!And even though I have a renewed desire for him,that's not the most important thing to me!Why is that all he seems to care about!I told him I only make love to my H,and he is not my H right now and it hurts to be with him,and then be ignored!He said he knows the feeling!He also said he is giving me a lot more at this point than I did last year,so I just take any time I get!I love him and miss him so much!This is so hard!

huh? Why did you turn him down? That was a huge mistake. He was reaching out to you and you rejected him. Why?

He just wanted me to have sex wiht him,he even said if I came over that's what would happen!Am I just suppost to be here whenever he wants sex?Shouldn't I have a little self respect?He does that at least once a week and then when I sleep with him he dosen't call me til the next time he is horny!I feel so used when he does that!Maybe I'm wrong!Explain?Why does he only reach out when he is horny?Should I just take whatever I get even if it's only sex?I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation!I am still learning!