I had an affair on my husband last year after 5 years of marriage and want desperately to work things out, but he says he is confused and keeps going back and forth and asking me to give him time. It has been a month and a half and I have been seeing a counselor and asking him to join me but he hasn't. In a million years i would have never guessed i would do what i have done and would do anything to fix it, and that was my husbands attitude until about a month and a half ago when he kissed another girl. Even though he is not involved with the girl and says he is not like me, he would never cheat on me while we are married, i still worry. Now he is very confused and is unsure what he wants to do. I have tried everything and apologized numerous times! A couple of days ago he told me he was ready to try and work things out and I spent the night with him and we were intimate, and things were a little better but he is still was so distant. Everyone, including my counselor, says to be patient and don't give up but sometimes I feel so discouraged by his actions. Sometimes he will not call me for days and he has been out partying a lot which is not like him. I have told him that nothing like this will ever happen again and that I have learned a lot from this experience but he still seems unsure. I try and go out and meet new people but I don't want anyone but him and I believe we were meant for eachother. I have always been so strong and self-confident but this situation has broken me and I feel hopeless!! I am not a bad person, I just made a big mistake and wish he would forgive me! He says he wants to and thinks it can work, but then pulls away and i don't know what to do? I have completely backed off and given him his space, because he said he knows the ball is in his court now! I am having a real hard time with it because when he tells me he wants to work things out and sometimes seems like he is trying and then other times he seems so far away. When I asked him the other day what percentage of my husband was back he said 80. He is just so different than he was a month and a half ago, he was so loving and caring and would do anything to work on our marriage then. Now he seems so cold and distant. What do I do?

Welcome jksmith.....there will be plenty of advice and help forthcoming. Just be patient. If you haven't then start by reading all of the primary material on this site.

Recovery Guide For Wayward Wives

jksmith,

Welcome to marriage builders. I hope you take the time to read the articles and Q&A that Harley has put on this board. You will find them eye opening.

There are a couple of things that stick out to me in your post and I thought I would comment on them. The reason for these comments is that your marriage won't have much of a chance until you become very honest with yourself. Frankly, some of your statements indicate that you have not fully realized the magnitude of what you have done.

First, let me say, that Harley claims and other authors seem to concur that to recover from an affair will take up to two years. Your H will NOT even really get his feet on the ground for another month or so, if then.

Have you two considered counseling? If so seek out a pro-marriage counselor, not just someone that want to make one or the other of you happy. This is NOT a happy situation and it requires that you both work through what has happened not "get over" what has happened.

Ok, now to a couple of comments about what you said:


A reasonable request on his part. Do you know WHY you had the affair? By this I mean not only what attracted you to make this decision but what you told yourself to make this decision alright. You see, I am assuming that normally you would find an affair or cheating something immoral or against your internal beliefs, ie: Cheating would be a boundary in your life decisions. Clearly you managed to put that boundary down and the question is why?

I'll get to why you really really need to understand this in a bit.

Not unusual that he does not want to see a counselor. He sounds fairly young and most of us guys don't want to be exmained emotionally at the level we fear a counselor might do that. Further, he probably does not trust "psycho-babble" much. Nevertheless, if your counselor is promarriage, keep going and let your H know what he is talking about.

I think you really need to address that "why" question. How long did the affair last and have you maintained "no contact" with this man? Your H kissing another girl is not helping this as you well know, but such a reaction is not unheard of nor is a revenge affair. You need to talk to him abit about this and maybe show him the literature you find here and that others are going to recommend that you read.



jksmith, with all due respect, I doubt you have tried everything and if you read this site you are going to find that "everything" includes a lot of things you have not realized just yet. It is good to apologize. However, what is more important is "what have you changed?" "What have you learned?" What do you see differently now that you did not before? What is your plan to make this marriage something he can put his faith in?

You must realize that his trust in your words is at an all time low. He will need to see actions, and plans followed by actions.


Your counselor and everyone is right. He will need time and he is distant to protect himself. He has a huge problem and what most of us guys do when we have a huge problem is...withdraw. Do you know what his huge problem is?

I'll give you a few clues. His biggest problem is he still loves you. If he did not and if you don't have children the solution is easy...leave you and get a divorce.

But, what makes the problem worse is that he loves you and yet he clearly could NOT keep you happy enough to be faithful to him AND YOURSELF. You have chosen another man over him and he knows it. You see his battle is with himself much more than it is with you right now. You really need to understand that. How can he respect himself if he stays with you? Tough question.


Could the reason he seems unsure include the fact that you told him 5 years ago, that "nothing like this will ever happen" and you did it in front of family, friends, clergy,etc? You already made that promise. Further, he is unsure about what has changed? What would prevent you from doing this again? What has changed? He knows he did not get better in bed. He did not get a personality transplant. His job didn't give him a raise. Do you see why he may be unsure? Do you see why your promise doesn't mean alot right now?

Going out and meeting new people is going to help your marriage HOW??? Do you see the damage that one action alone can do? If you really want him, and him alone, you would NOT be going out to meet new people. You need to grow up and get really serious about this or you will not save your marriage.



Him forgiving you will not restore your marriage. He may have already forgiven you, but that does not mean he can trust you with his heart. You did not make mistake by the way and I would encourage you to stop using that word. You made no mistake, you made a decision that you wanted the other man over your marriage and your H. And since as you stated you have " always been so strong and self-confident" he knows you made no mistake. In retrospect you seem to have made a bad decision.

In fact why and how did the affair end? How did your H find out about the affair?



What you do is get REAL honest with yourself and your thinking and your actions. Then you read this site and start to develop a plan to rebuild your marriage. I would strongly encourage you to focus on several policies that Harley has discussed here.

The first is the policy of radical honesty. Read about it and really think about it. It will save your marriage and make the future of your marriage much brighter.

The next thing to read and really think about is the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. This is an amazingly power tool, and it takes some practice to really understand it and use it properly. Had you used just these two things it is unlikely you would have had an affair, and it is likely that you two would have a different marriage now.

Three, understand WHY you had the affair, discuss this with the counselor, but before your H can really settle down he will need to know that YOU KNOW why you violated your own boundaries and consequently HIM. It is only after you understand your weakness that you can make a plan to protect your boundaries and thus your marriage.

Four read Harley's four rules for a good marriage and discuss them with your H. I doubt you two followed them before but starting now would be a good time. They are very simple, very obvious and often ignored to the detriment of the marriage.

Five, understand the concepts of needs in a marriage. Harley was one of the first to realize that often loving devoted couples did not know the true needs of their spouse or how they should be met. This led to a lot of effort make the spouse happy, but not filling the love bank as he refers to it. It is sort of like buying perfume for your H because you like it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Finally, develop a plan to start to meet your H's needs, to protect your marriage and YOUR boundaries, to include your H in your life and become a bigger part of his.

This is a start. It will take time, and you will not see immediate results but being consistent, honesty, open, and transparent in all you do will help. You couple this with being relentless and loving and You have a very good chance of saving your marriage and then rebuilding it into something you both will truely enjoy.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Just found out last night that my husband is talking and has interest in a couple girls!Just last week he said he wanted to try and work things out and that there was nobody else in his life?I haven't heard from him in the last couple days! What do I do?Do I confront him with this info?Why would he sleep with me last week and tell me that he wanted to try and work things out when he is talking to other girls?He also told me he was not like me and wouldn't get involved with anyone while we are still married!

JKS,

He is talking to other girls because you have not shown committment to him. YOU are out "meeting other people". YOU need to stop that today.

MOVE back in with him, and go to Plan A.

You can read about Plan A on this website.

Then, expose your affair to your parents, his parents, and everyone you know. Tell him and your families that you intend to save your marriage. Tell them that you have made steps to do that - which includes learning everything you can on this website AND going to counseling to find out WHY you had this affair.

That will show him that you are serious about changing your behavior.

Then, control your behavior. Being young is no excuse for impulsivity. You must think about your behavior before you act on it. If you love your husband and want a future with him, everything you do and say must be in concert with that goal. You cannot have any contact with the man you slept with - and you need to write a letter to him that states that.

You cannot go out to the bars and look around for other people.

You must act like a married woman at all times.

You must do loving things for your husband that show him that you love him, and ONLY him.

Order the books "Surviving an Affair" and read it with your husband. If you have to, make an appointment with him to begin reading it with him, and explain that you want to save the marriage and this is step one. Also the book "His Needs, Her Needs", which will help you understand how to identify what you did and did not do in your relationship BEFORE the affair began, and what you can do NOW to repair the damage.

STOP GOING OUT LOOKING FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
GO HOME TO THE MARRIAGE HOUSE, AND STAY THERE, EVEN IF IT IS ON THE COUCH.
MEET HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
TELL HIM AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE IN THE MARRIAGE TO STAY.
EXPOSE YOUR AFFAIR TO YOUR FAMILIES, AND ASK THEM TO HELP YOU BY SUPPORTING THE MARRIAGE AND ITS RECOVERY.

READ ABOUT PLAN A, AND FOLLOW IT.

If you can't move home, read the thread by LilSis (Cunning OW has claws in deep), because she is doing a great Plan A. But I cannot emphasize enough that you need to stop looking for another guy.

And keep reading here. We will support you!

I am not out looking for another man!I have gone out a couple times but never looking for another man just to keep my mind busy!I don't want to sit at home and cryI just go and dance with my sis and friends!And I would love to move back in, but he has not asked me to!He is the one going out to bars and talking to other girls!I have told him I want to work things out and have been going to counceling and did apologize to his family!I ended my affair over two months ago and have had no contact!Right now my husband says he wants to work things out and misses me, and we spend a night together and he calls me for a few days, then backs off!He tells others that he dosen't know if he can trust me again, but he loves me!He also says that a lot of people would be dissapointed in him if he worked things out with me!How come he has no problems with being intimate mea nd hugging and kissing me, but when it comes to talking and just spending time together, he says he is confused about whether he enjoys that anymore cuz things are different!I don't know how to stop thinking about him talking to other girls!If he wants to work things out and knows I do as well why would he let someone else in, and how do I get past that?I called him last night and told him I loved him and was sorry for hurting him and that I wanted so much to be his wife again, but he did not answer or respond!

JKS,

You need to answer the questions Just Learning posed to you, if you want us to help. Go back to his post, read it...and get us the answers.

Yes we are young!H(30), me(31)!I believe three things led to such an extreme deterioration in my values that I had an A!First, a breakdown in respect in our marriage!H frequently belittled me and when confronted told me it was my problem!We fought about it weekly and nothing ever changed and i believe I started to lose respect for him and felt hopeless!Second,we struggled with infertility for 3 years and upon being told the only way my H could get me pregnant was with IVF and several attempts at that didn't work,my dreams were shattered!I have always wanted to be a mother, and my H did not feel as strong about having kids so i often felt alone in my struggle!Third,after being cheated on by my father,my mom has only been remarried once,and cheated on him!I am not blaming my mom just saying that when the going gets tough in a relationship she runs and I never wanted to be that person,but here i am!I am seeing two counselors,one secular,one christian,and have ordered two books and a ebook an dealing with infidelity!I have apologized to family and friends and taken responsibility for my actions!Just yesterday I wrote a letter to my H reaffirming my responsibity for where our M is today and my complete commitment to it's recovery as well as him!I also expressed my love for him and how much I missed him!He has not responded!This weekend a couple of mutual friends told me that my H is talking to another girl and I have been sick ever since!Every ounce of me wants to confront him with this info as he just told me last week he wanted to try and work things out and we slept together and he called me for a few days then pulled away and I haven't heard from him in days!When I went to our house yesterday I found a box of condoms in his truck with one missing!I am trying not to assume, but it's eating me up inside!How can he be intimate with me,hug me,kiss me,tell me I'm his beautiful hot wife,but not want to spend time with me or call me and talk!I feel so lost!And why would he tell me he was not like me and would not be with someone else while we are still married,and there was nobody else, but tell others he is talking to another girl?

JK, lady, if you read any of my posts here on MB, you'll see I support Dr. Harley's program to rescue marriages wholeheartedly and enthusiastically. However, sometimes I think there should be an evaluation of whether the marriage should be saved and when I read the two quotes above, your case is one I feel where a cold, ruthless examination should be made whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Look, your husband is abusive. He’s not physically so yet (or at least you haven’t told us that is so), but I suspect the abuse will escalate with time. Why should it not? You’ve already confessed the failures of the marriage are yours and yours alone when, in fact, they are demonstrably NOT. You have thus encouraged the abuse and it most emphatically WILL continue.

Now…don’t get me wrong. Nothing on God’s green earth justifies you committing adultery. His abuse and his disinclination to have children DOES justify you divorcing him and finding a man who is more of the man you want to love.

*****

Side note: I’m certain some of the problems in your marriage are your fault, but I doubt you’re totally responsible. Here’s a link to (of all things) a book review on Amazon that I think bears heavily on spousal responsibilities in making their spouses happy. I think it’s very thought provoking.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/custome...155&s=books

Scroll down to the review entitled “To be vulnerable to an event is not to invite it.”

*****

JK, I’m not trying to be unkind. But I think you need to carefully evaluate where you are and how you envision the rest of your life playing out. Assume you break up the adultery you’ve suspect your husband is experimenting with (or engaged in). Assume you and he get into couples counseling with a highly skilled, pro-marriage counselor and the two of you work out your problems concerning your mutual adulteries.

Assume all that and then decide if you think you should live a life of desperation, dealing with his abuse and never having children to love and nourish.

JK, if you do want to try to salvage this marriage, we’ll all be eager to help. There are former WW’s out here who will speak with you and help you recover from your own adultery and many, many others will give you all kinds of support in dealing with your husband’s infidelity. But make a conscious decision first, okay? I think it’s vitally important.

Lady, whatever you decide, people here at MB will help you come out the other side of this dark place with your sanity and your integrity intact. Be strong, JK. We’re with you.

My H was disrespectful to me,but not to the extreme, he would never hit me and it was a learned behavior cuz his father treats his mother worse!He was a great H besides that,and went through infertility treatment cuz he knew how bad I wanted to be a mother!During my A,both times I went back to try and work it out,he was an amazing H,although I know that could have been because he wanted me back so bad!Now he is so different and distant!He is a good guy and I love him and I was the one who gave up instead of getting counseling!I was just told today that his brother was irritated by the fact that I called and apologized to him about my A!Damned if I do, damned if I don't!Also that my husband justs wants me to leave him alone!I don't call him if he dosen't call me,and the only contact I have made with him since he showed up at my work last week was when I left a message on his phone that I was thinking about him and love him!Seems like no matter what I do I am wrong!He is the one who sent me the txt that he wanted to work things out!I have been being humble and selfless for the last 2 months and the only time I have gotten a reaction from him was when I was my old self and threatened him with D!Everything I read says to be selfless but that seems to get me nowhere!Ultimately that's what it took to wake me up with him, the thought of truly losing him!What do I have to lose if all this does is annoy him!The other day he told me to be myself, well that's what I'm going to be, cuz I'm tired of hurting!

"""How can he be intimate with me,hug me,kiss me,tell me I'm his beautiful hot wife,but not want to spend time with me or call me and talk!I feel so lost!And why would he tell me he was not like me and would not be with someone else while we are still married,and there was nobody else, but tell others he is talking to another girl? """"

Easy answer,The same way you could..

How long did the affair last?

Was it an EA or a PA or both??

""I'm tired of hurting!

I promise so is he

The A lasted a year,during which time I went home twice for a period of months,and left for the third time in November with intentions of rekindling my A,but never did cuz i realized I loved my H!I just spoke with him last night and confronted him with what I was told about him dating and he said he did go on one date but nothing happenend and it wasn't going to happen again!He said he didn't want to end our M but he didn't know if he could ever love me the same again, so he didn't want to lead me on by calling and spending time with me!He said even though he hoped things might change in his head he didn't want to go to counseling even if it might help!He said he is happy being by himself right now and I would be the first to know if he wanted to get back together or decided to date someone actively!Until then i need to do what is best for me!He also reminded me that he waited for me for a year!He also said I was the one who did this to us, and he never asked for it!Do I just sit and wait and have aith that time will heal and he will come back around?I am so confused!

JKSmith,

You have been married for 5 years and you just said

Do I understand correctly that you left your H several times for a period of months, while you were having the affair??

And then you ask how could he go out with another woman, while coming home to you during this period of turmoil. JKS, the first thing you need to get a grip on, is YOUR behavior and how it has and must have affected your H.

Oh! and in case you do get a second chance, most men are NOT as wild about having children, nor as obsessed with it as women are. He clearly was willing to go through with all of the procedures, which trying, and expensive. Your focus is still only on you. You have not realized what you have done.

It may interest you to know that when there are no children involved that even Dr. Harley says he would leave a young marriage. It is not that he recommends it. It is just that often there is little there to hold the couple together. Your H may or may not want to save this marriage, but let's put this in perspective. You left for months and did not worry about him. Now he doesn't contact you for a few days and you are in high panic.

Isn't it time you got YOUR HOUSE in order before you start trying to rearrange his. By the way, if you want to move home, do so. You two cannot work this out long distance, although I think he does have some real concerns.

You have had it suggested to you, that perhaps this is NOT the man for you. You need to really and fully decide whether you can deal with your H IF the marriage remains intact. You need to decide if he is NOT the man for you now. You need to decide if you really have enough empathy to work on this marriage.

You see, the issue right now is about decisions on both of your parts. You BOTH have big decisions to make concerning the existence of this marriage and how you would like this marriage to be. You clearly have NOT really made yours although you think you have. Please think about this.

You also said What is best for you is to work on you and become a person YOU would want to be around and could trust. Right now I doubt that you are.



Ok, you see here is a huge problem. We have asked you to be honest with us and tell us your story. You have only mentioned a few things, but clearly your year long affair was affecting your H, and clearly you left him and the home several times. Would you be so kind as to tell us the REAL story. We need the length of the affair. What you did during the affair. How you treated your H during the affair. How did the affair become knowledge to him. What did you do when he found out. Are you still in contact with OM, or do you plan on seeing him again. What did you tell yourself that made this OK, as long as H did not find out?

Your H's feelings are very typical and very reasonable don't you think?



You do what has been suggested. YOu get to work on you, your ethics, your morality, your view of yourself. You learn WHY you did this, and how you could do it to someone you CLAIM you love. You develop a plan to protect yourself, your H and your marriage IF and when he recovers enough to address the marriage. You learn from your mistakes and by this I mean, mistakes of actions and thought.

JKS, you have a lot to do, and you need to do it yourself, for yourself.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

I have been honest!If you read my past posts it says my A lasted a year,and why I believe I had an A!Why is it that if you don't have kids a M is not worth saving!We have been together for 10 years,and prior to last year we had a pretty good marriage!Every M has problems and I made the poor decision that put us where we are today!For the last 2 months I have been seeing 2 counselors, reading books, and found this site all in efforts to better myself so I can prove to my husband that I want to heal this marriage!I have also apologized to our family annd friends!I love him with all my heart and soul,and have written him letters and told him several times that I am conpletely responsible for what happened and all I want to do is be his W again!He just keeps telling me he dosen't know what he wants, and dosen't know if he can ever love me the same again, but then he will call me and want to spend time with me,be intimate with me and tell me how beautiful I am for a day or 2!Then he will start pulling away again!He told me last night that if he feels like hanging out or talking he will,but if not he dosen't!He said he dosen't want to go to counseling even though he knows it might help!He says he is trying and dosen't want his marriage to end,but how is this trying!He says only time will tell!But how can he be so caring one day and want to be with me,then really care less the next!Everyone says be patient and give him space,but how can our marriage ever be repaired if we don't talk!I feel like he could care less what happens!

And yes my H was affected greatly by my A,he was devastated!He tried everything to get me back,and I kept going back and forth because ultimately I knew I loved him,but could not get the OM out of my head!I have not talked with the OM in months as I have recommitted myself to my H and M,and have told my H that!And during my A,I lived with my mom when I was out of the house!At this point he says no matter which way it goes he will be ok,but what is meant to happen will happen and he is not ready to end our M!He says he is giving a lot more than I did at this point last year!Truthfully I don't remember a lot of last year but I do know I called im quite often to let him know I was thinking of him!He says it was just to make sure he was there and he dosen't believe I loved him!So do I just back off and live my life without talking to him hoping he will come around?

JKS,

Okay. Settle down. Your husband still loves you, as is evidenced by his continued contact. The issue is how he can overcome what you have done. When he gets together with you, he begins to see the OM with you in his mind...and it hurts. So, he pulls back.

Can you get him to come here to this board? If you can, he will find out that he isnt alone...nor unique. Neither of you are. Unfortunately, what has happened to the two of you is all too common.

Your husband will need help from others...not really from you (which doesnt mean you do nothing!! You still need to work on you, and still need to be the best wife possible and try to meet his needs). We can help him.

Outside of professional help or him coming here, it is going to be very difficult for him to do this on his own. He needs help!

Please tell him that there are some people here like myself who have gone thru exactly what he has that would like to talk to him. And with this board, he can do so without anyone knowing who he is.

I so wish he would seek help as he pressured me to all of last year,and I did,but everytime I mention it he says he is happy with where he is now and even if it would help he dosen't want to go to counseling or read books,or anything!I know I need help and I am constantly seeking that!I love my H so much and I wish this was all a bad dream!I am just so scared because he seems so complacent and lack of feelings sometimes it makes me want to quit,but I can't cuz he fought for me,and he is worth fighting for!I am just so confused by his behavior!Seems like one or two days a week he cares,and then he pulls away completely and dosen't even care if he talks to me!Nothing seems to change!Two days ago he called me five times and wanted to spend the whole day with me!Then last night he flaked on our Valentines Day plans cuz he had to work late and was too tired!And even though I shouldn't have,I called him and gave him a hard time for it,but did apologize today and he didn't seem to care!Today he didn't even call,so we are right back to the same place we were last week!I just don't know what the right thing to do is anymore!One day he wants me and thinks I'm beautiful,the next day he could care less!Maybe I should just give him his space and when he asks me to do something tell him to give it some time until he is ready to work on our M!Maybe I shouldn't jump everytime he wants to spend time with me cuz obviously it dosen't work!Help?

Hi jksmith

My story is exactly like yours difference I have a daughter and my husband claims he is seeing someone but unsure of it.

Well he sounds exactly like your husband and I do quit now and than. God help us

If you dont mind please share your story with me you can email to me [email]loraine_2803@yahoo.com.[/email]

Wish to hear from you.I am Malaysian

--------------------
lgs

jksmith,

Your H is on the emotional rollercoaster. Your affair has not been over for long, and he does not trust that it is really over. He obviously has strong feelings for you, but they frighten him because he is so vulnerable to you, and you have hurt him deeply for a year and did NOT CARE. He cannot trust you, so when he starts to get strong feelings, he withdraws from you for protection.

His behavior is very very normal in these early times. YOU have to sit down and do some things. I asked you a lot of questions and YOU need the answers to them. As you attain the answers it will become more evident what you will need to do.

I know you realize you have hurt him, but I don't think you really have any idea the damage you have done yet. You are thinking his "feelings" are hurt and that he will get over that. What you have not realized is that he no longer really knows who he is and how he should act especially around you.

His self-image, and his core beliefs have been attacked and it takes a long time for these things to heal and right themselves. What he has endured is way beyond HURT FEELINGS, his self-image, his self-esteem, his belief in you, his belief in marriage have been under attack for a year now. Do you think a month or so of "I'm sorries" is going to fix that?

You really need to sit down and ask yourself some hard questions and then you need to come up a plan to address your failings, and by this I mean how you failed yourself and allowed your own boundaries to be erased. Until you understand these things, until it really settles in what you have chosen to do to yourself, you will have little chance of understanding what you did to him.

Please do some reading here and in Surviving an Affair by Harley. It will start to show you where this is. It will help you make a plan to protect yourself from such future actions, and it will allow you to see how to rebuild your marriage.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL