What is wrong with sex, jk?? He is your HUSBAND! Sex is how many men express their love for their wives. He needs to be reassured that you feel sexually attracted to him after what he has been through. He reached out to you and you rejected him instead.

It is a GOOD THING that he feels sexually attracted to you and I would use it as an opportunity to meet his needs and draw him back to you. LET HIM KNOW that you feel sexually attracted to him, too.

I told him last night how sexually attracted to him I was!I told him that he was amazing and everything he did to me made me feel awesome!And nothing is wrong with sex,I enjoy every second of it with him!So what you are saying is that I should have sex with him even if that's all he wants right now!That won't make him disrespect me cuz he knows he can call me any time he is horny,and I will be there!And there is no doubt he is attracted to me cuz every time we are together he is immediately turned on!It just hurts so bad when he dosen't call me for days after being intimate with me!I guess I should just learn to stuff my feelings right now!Is that what you are saying?

jk, it sounds to me like he wants to BE with you, so I would take him up on that offer GLADLY. He needs to be reassured OFTEN that you really do desire him and this is one of the best ways to demonstrate it. Often after an affair, a BS will feel undesirable and this is your opportunity to PROVE that you desire him.

JK,

It sounds to me that at the top of his EN's is SF and your not meeting that need. You cannot regain your M if your are not meeting his most important needs. When you start meeting his needs then maybe he will again feel like he should start meeting yours too.

It has taken a very long time for my W to understand that little fact as well. Her needs are no the same as mine and visa versa.

So what do I do now since I screwd up?Should I wait for him to call again,or do I try and make it up to him tonight as I am leaving to go out of town to see my sis tomorrow?

JKS,

You call HIM for sex, that is what you do. You know he isn't the only one that gets to determine when you two have sex. Give him a call and invite him over to your place. Use a little humor, be light about it, but make it clear YOU enjoy and desire his presence at some time like...RIGHT NOW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two can play that game JK and trust me as a male I can assure you he is more vulnerable to it than you are.

Think about this a bit.

God Bless,

JL

I am leaving this morning to go to Indiana and I was hoping to hear from my H,or thought I might even get a txt,but nothing!Two nights ago he wanted me to spend the night with him,and seemed like he cared!I guess I just keep getting my hopes up that he may act like he cares for more more than one day a week!I miss him so much and have never gone on a trip without him!I just wish he would care enough to at least tell me to have a safe flight!I'm so scared I will never see that side of him again!

Have a safe trip and ring your H to say you will miss him.
He needs to know you want him.

Don't be upset you missed an opportunity, thats ok just don't miss the next one! In fact try to make it yourself and ring him.
Tell him he is your H and you love him and you want SF with him and all he has to do is ask.

Let him know you return on such and such a day and will ring him and do so. Don't expect him to chase you, he most likely won't. As far as he is concerned you caused this mess so you have to do the running around.

remember that for every positive response right now you will get quite a few knock backs.. thats normal for where he is.
dont give up. try and keep trying. It may seem all he wants is SF right now but thats actually good. Because if didn't want sf with you wouldn't he be out getting some and not bothering you at all??? So forget the failure. learn from them but move on.

YOU CAN DO THIS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H has told me several times that he dosen't know if he can ever love me the same and want to be with me like he used to!He said only time will tell and for me to be patient and me calling him asking him why he does things dosen't help!So should I just give him some time and not call or txt him at all and maybe he will start to miss me!I don't call him unless he calls me,and I have only been sending him a txt every once in a while!I am so lost right now cuz I feel like he is just avoiding everything,especially me!I just wish he would at least call!

Ok!So one question I asked that was never answered was how is that my H went from loving me and wanting to work things out day to almost the opposite the next day just by kissing some girl!Also AW how long did your H act cold and distant before he started to come back around!

JKsmith,

You said

Don't you think that is a very reasonable feeling on his part. He is being honest with you. You really don't seem to understand the damage you did to him. You really need to understand that one of HIS big questions is "I wasn't good enough for her before, how can I be good enough for her now or in the future?" Another is how can I trust her? Now the part of that question people miss is that he is doubting HIMSELF. You see he did not pick up on your lies, and your affair for a long time. So he wonders if he could be so easily fooled again. This is really a matter of him figuring out if he can trust HIMSELF to be able to detect if you lied and protect himself. Don't you see, this is a lot less about you, that what you did to his own view of himself.

He then said:



Hello, there is a huge clue here. He isn't saying he minds talking to you, he is saying he doesn't like YOUR questions of him. He doesn't know the answers yet. He doesn't even understand how he can feel he wants to be with you, and yet KNOW that he was found to be deficient by you. You may call it ego, I call it lack of confidence.

I think you can talk to him about daily things, but NOT about why and what he is doing. He doesn't know what he is doing nor why...the man is lost right now and he knows it.




I think you should call him, but as I said before leave the relationship discussions alone for awhile. Call him when you are up, or have some good news to share, or just need his help with something.


You think you are lost? You knew what you were doing, what you were thinking, and what you are thinking and wanting now. He didn't have a clue about the affair. He doesn't have a clue how to really respond. He doesn't have a clue what you are really thinking about him. In short the man is confused and lost and he is trying to get his feet on the ground. Given him time, but also be there for him.

He will call when he is ready. jksmith, I am not trying to discourage you. Your H may decide that divorce is the best thing for him. My bet is that he will want to try but he is so lost right now. Be a beacon for him, listen to him, and let him come to realize that you are still there. Meanwhile work on you, and how you see things.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the advice JL!I know you are right!And I know I am not a patient person!I am working on it!This has been a learning experience for me and I have faith that my H will pull out of this!I sent him a txt yesterday with a picture of my nephew telling him I missed him and wished he was here!He responded totell everyone hi and to have fun!I was happy that he responded!I love him and miss him so much and wish I could get out of this funk!

jks

sorry been totally caught up with my 18month old and H last day or so,

ok my H was cold and distant for some months and very skeptical of my motives and actions for longer. It FELT like years and I was impatient, frantic and so sad and sorry. not very attractive I guess but in some ways it helped to show my H the work I was willing to do and also putting into our M.
I went to IC and MC even if he didn't turn up.

don't bombard him with I'm sorry's or I L Y's, once maybe twice a week drop it into conversation.

Be positive and express your actions. I'm going to IC & MC etc so I will never hurt you this way again. AGREE with him that you hurt him and caused him pain if he wants to discuss. Don't defend the indefensible.

its long term project and when you want to push him along. go for a walk, wash the floor do anything but.

Thanx AW!I sent my H a txt last night telling him that nobody has ever and will never compare to him and how he makes me feel!I told him I missed "us" and that I loved him!I got no reponse!I know I shouldn't expect a response but it breaks my heart when he dosen't!I try so hard not to bug him,but I just want him to know I am still here loving him!Should I back off for a while?

No, dont stop talking! But, do stop with all the "love" stuff. Here's what I mean...here's an example of what not to say, and then how to say it:

Wrong: "I miss you. I love you. You are the most perfect man for me. I cant wait to continue our wonderful life togther."

Right: "Just sitting hear thinking about you...all good thoughts! Hope your day is going well!"

You see the difference? What JL said is fact. This man doesnt trust a word you say. When you say "I love you," he remembers when you said it before. And to him, you didnt mean it then...so how does he know that you mean it now?

When you say that he is the perfect man for you, or that he is all you have ever wanted...do you think he believes that right now? You see, he believed that BEFORE! He counted on that before. And in his world right now, he has come to the conclusion that all of that wasnt true. My wife used to tell me that she could never think of having another man even touch her. In the last 4+ years, she has had several do just that.

Look, he wont remain where he is...especially if you do the right things to reassure him. Your words mean little, especially those that promise love and fidelity.

What will get him? Deeds...over time. So, if you send a message that you were just thinking of him. Followed by 6-7 hours later maybe with a phone call, leaving a message that said "hey, just saw the most awesome sunset...and wanted to know if you saw it too." Stuff like that!

Over time...he will begin to trust that. He will get a message from you about a sunset...and he will text back "yeah...it was nice." And then maybe next time you call with some other issue...maybe he answers and has a short conversation with you.

Baby steps!

Just Learning has done a great job to help give you word pictures of the devastation that your husband lives in...all at your hands. Nothing in his life right now is right. The one person he wants to trust, needs to trust...his best friend in the world who he needs right now to help him make sense of all of this...is the same person that caused this destruction.

It sounds as if he still loves you. But right now, he has NO IDEA how to reconcile that with the feelings of failure, anger, jealousy, etc that are coursing thru his body.

You ever see the movie "Unfaithful?" If you haven't, go rent it. I like Diane Lane in most of her movies. But I will say...the director of this movie was brilliant in depicting the feelings going thru the WS and the BS. The addicted WS, throwing away everything for something that did not make sense. The devastated BS...who ends up murdering the OM in a fit of rage that the BS doesnt quite understand.

And when the WS finds out that the BS murdered the OM, she asks if it was him that did it. His response was "I didnt want to kill him...I wanted to kill you!"

In reality, he was working on trying to save his family. He still loved his wife. But the conflict still remained inside him. The battle ensued almost non-stop.

I was told that these things get smaller in the rearview mirror as you move forward. Your husband will have to learn this. I wish he could come here and talk with us, as I know that if he could realize that there are so many others like him...then he can find hope and find a path out of his Hel!. Because, without that kind of support, your husband could always just give up hope in a situation that right now...to him...seems hopeless!

He doesnt want to live without you...but cant see the way that things can be right again. He needs a plan. There is one here. He needs to hear it from others who have walked in his shoes. If there is a way that you could write him a letter and say:

"Honey, I am including some advice from people who have been thru what we are going thru...especially from those that have been in you shoes. I have put a few examples below. if you are interested, they would love to be able to talk to you online (it is anonymous) and maybe you might find some answers to all of this. I have posted the link below, if you decide that you would like to go there."

Then post the link to this bulletin board and also post some of JL's comments about how your husband is feeling. He will immediately recognize those feelings as his own.

But your mission is to just be there...to work on you. And to show him that you arent going anywhere. He needs stable ground to stand on. My bet is he will find it in you again.

But the one thing that is constant is that he needs time! As Steve Harley told me once...you cannot make this go faster, but you sure can slow it down!

So I am still really confused about one thing that nobody has been able to answer! Why is it that during my A and even up until he kissed the other girl, he was completely committed to workng our M out and would have done anything for me, and in a matter of a day he so drastically changed? Even during my A he took me back twice and never said a word about it!Now I'm lucky to get a txt back from him!He barely ever calls, and rarely wants to spend any time with me!Somebody please explain!

I'm not sure it can be answered jks that easily. I suspect though you would have run into this even had you stayed with him after returning during your A.

Why does he push you away? because he does not trust you. He is VERY reluctant to allow you to be in a position to hurt him that way and that deeply again.
I suspect your H felt very keenly that he was second best, the second choice you made because the A fell apart and you came back to him. Then suddenly he gets a kiss or two from a young woman and he realises he is not a 'loser' or 'second best' at all. It doesn't matter what reality is JKS about why you wanted him back, its probably how he feels right now.

Can you do anything? probably not much other than keep talking, leaving out ILU's etc. It lets him know you are around and not running around with any guys. Drop into conversation where you have been and I would advise to always let him know beforehand who you are going out with girlfriends etc .. make sure he knows you are with people he has some knowledge of. Tell him after what you did, where you went, all of that. Its a good place to say then how much you would have enjoyed it with him. remember no direct ILU's .
It will be a very very slow process before he accepts even some trust of you. He may test you for a long time. Endurance is the key here for now.
Invite him to attend MC if you can set it up ...I still think Dr Harley is a good bet for you both right now.
At least you are talking .. a good start.

I'll be away next week so if I don't answer any question its because I'll be way up in the bush away from PC's and the web. You are doing ok jks in the circumstances, but I still recommend you get a good strong pro marriage MC. He may be prepared to talk to someone like the Harley's who is pretty much like being anonymous being on the phone rather than face to face MC.

Aw, I took your advice Thur night and sent him a txt when I was out with my sis and friends telling him I was out with my sis and her friends thinkin about him!He wrote"ok,have fun!" Then yesterday when I flew out of Indiana I sent him another txt saying I wished he was with me cuz I hate flying without him,cuz he knows how nervous I get, and I had nobody to fight over the window seat with!He responded"have a safe flight"!I guess I should be happy to get a response,but I feel like he is just responding to be nice!And I am really worried that maybe he is out dating cuz he goes out with his single friend to the bars!He has told me several times that if he wanted to be with someone he would tell me,but he didn't tell me he had gone out a a date until I asked,and then tried to downplay it!I rarely know what he's doing cuz I never hear from him!And I know if he went to counseling with me it would really help,but he told me he has to want to and he dosen't right now!

Patience jks just patience

you need to think of your contacts like drops of water wearing away at sandstone. His heart is rock hard right now but he may choose to eventually let you in.

As for MC I would GENTLY still ask him to attend the phone calls with the Harleys. not cheap but a darn good investment.
See if he would be prepared to speak on the phone with the Harleys BUT DONT PUSH. Send him the documentation or web page

you dont know what you will find out from the MC, no guarantees but very important.

I know you fear he's having revenge affairs but you cannot alter his behaviour, he has to want to do that. Just like you did. Wear away at his rocky heart as difficult as it is.

jksmith,

You said and asked
This one is really easy. Go read the articles from Harley about the love bank. Each time he took you back, each time he tried, each time your A continued when you said it wouldn't, each time you ignored him, or made him feel like he was less than OM, each time you hurt him, you withdrew from his love bank.

I would guess his love bank is either empty or overdrawn, and even a simple kiss by another woman indicating that SOMEONE wanted him, would be enough for him to realize HOW EMPTY THE BANK WAS. Once that occurs, he has little reason to remain or try.

You can start to refill that love bank, but it will take time. AND if someone else is already doing it, you have a problem.

Please read, and please understand. You withdrew and withdrew without making any deposits, and consequently the account is empty.

I know this is not encouraging but it is the fact and it leads directly to what AW is telling you.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL