My H showed up unexpectedly at work today and wanted to know what I was doing tonight!I sat down at the table with him and he grabbed my leg and started rubbing it!That was the best feeling in the world!Anyway he asked me if I wanted to do something and told me to meet him at our house at 7:30!He seems to have a hangup on calling me!Anyone have imput on that!I am so excited but worried that he might just want to have sex!I know everyone says to have sex with him to fill his EN,but I feel like if every time he calls and I sleep with him,why would he have a desire to work on our marriage!He can be single and get laid anytime he wants!Am I wrong?Help ASAP Please!

He still wants you. Get it? Not some bimbo out there. So work on filling those EN's and see where it goes. It won't go at all if you don't at least try.

He's a guy why wouldn't he want it!my worry is that he will lose respect for me if he can use me whenever he wants!

jks sex is a VERY big en for most men, at least my H lol

Whats more your h WANTS YOU not a dime a dozen bimbo from the local bar. What he is leery of is actually letting YOU in because you hurt him before. So its small steps as he edges towards you, pulls back and dips his toe in the water every now and again to see you are actually doing what you say you are.. that is FAITHFULL and not dating or partying and wanting him only.

Hes YOUR man, let him know it. Don't underestimate the power of a good snuggle either after sf.
He just does not trust you yet, so roll with that and fill what en's he allows you to right now. That starts to fill up the love bank.

Listen to the men & women here who went through what your H is going through.. they KNOW probably EXACTLY how your feels or so close to it that it doesn't matter.

Let him see the wife you want to be. This is a window of opportunity, please use it.

"He's a guy why wouldn't he want it!my worry is that he will lose respect for me if he can use me whenever he wants!"


NO NO NO

he's your Husband!! He wants YOU. Is your worry worth more than than giving and sharing with your H?
To be blunt he's already lost a lot of respect for you because of the A in many ways. So help him build that back by showing him you are HIS and only HIS!!

If he just wanted a quickie with no thoughts of at least fondness for you why would he TRAVEL to your work when he probably knows he could ring you have you running around so fast your head would spin?
NO my guess is that he wants you but does not yet trust you.

So I went out with my H last night,and it was pretty much the same as it's been the last couple times.although we did go out to dinner!He was still pretty distant and didn't have a whole lot to say!I feel like I have to start most conversations these days!It gets uncomfortable at times,but if I start the conversation he does engage!He did hold my hand and kiss me!So that was nice!After dinner we went back to the house and had amazing sex,as usual,these days!When we are intimate he is so loving,and is concerned with pleasing me and tells me he can please me like this forever,but the minute we are finished he is back to his distant self!And you were right about his heart being like stone right now,he acts so cold and heartless sometimes,it scares me!Yesterday he hurt his brother's girlfriends feelings with his smart [censored] comments like he used to do to me,and then acted like she was ridiculous for being upset!It really scared me,cuz during my A he really made an effort to stop acting that way,and it was back worse than ever last night!When I left last night he kissed me and said he would call me today!We'll see!

Usually when a person is afraid of getting hurt again, they'll get caught up and put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable again, and then realize, "what the ****** am I doing, I might get hurt again," and then suddenly withdraw. I think that is what is happening with your husband. He is not using your for sex, but rather realizing that he is getting sucked back into the relationship and his defense mechanisms start kicking in. The more this goes on, the more he will trust you, and then his defensive reflexes will start going away. Just keep up what you are doing, and in the coming months or years, he will trust that you won't hurt him again.

well it's obvious his defense mechanisms are up because he puts up this front!He has always been a smart [censored],but now it's worse than ever!He acts like a macho jerk at times,and it's really frustrating!I really hope it's just a front and he will not continue to act like this forever!Also I am a little concferned with the fact that he will not answer his phone if I call when he is with his parents!I have apologized to his parents and even talked to his mother several times,so I think he is really letting his father influence him,which is really scary cuz he never let anyone influence him during my A!He always stood up for me!And his father can be a real A******!When I apologized to him,he told me he thought it was best for me to leave his son alone!I told him I respected his opinion but loved his son with all my heart and was going to fight for him and my M with everything I have!He said fine it's my son's decision but if he gets back with you I won't think he is the sharpest knife in the drawer!He really dosen't concern himself with hurting others feelings and I have seen some of that in my H lately!Not that he wasn't like that before,but it was much less,and he realized it more often!I pray that with perserverance on my part,he will stop letting others influence him!

jksmith you have to walk a fine line, but doormats can be both ways. You need to tell him in a kind and loving way his words hurt. leave it at that, go back to being nice to you. If he mouths off again tell him again his words hurt.... does again you tell him you need to take a time out and get some air don't say space <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then re-enage him and repeast, you have to put up with certain things but disrepect isn't one of them

ok,so since I slept with my H the other night he has called everday!Last night he invited me over,but he got home late from dinner with his family and I was not feeling good so I told him I was not feeling well and could i take a raincheck!He said ok and told me he would call today!Was I wrong not to go?I passed him this afternoon and decided to call since I hadn't heard from him!I asked him if he wanted to do something tonight and he agreed!But if I hadn't have called him I don't know if he would have called!I have a real hard time talking to him cuz he seems like he could care less what I'm saying and is never concerned about what I am doing or asks me about my day!Maybe I am expecting too much!Am I?

Take a deep breath and calm down. Recovery from an A takes about 2 years, so you can't go overanalyzing every little thing you do, otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy. Just be open and honest and try to meet his needs. If you aren't feeling well, you don't have to hang out with him. But make sure you at least give him a call and talk to him. You are on the right track, but this is going to take longer than you had hoped.

ok!So everyone keeps telling me to meet my H EN's which happens to be sex right now!I was at the house with him tonight and he dosen't really engage in much conversation,but when it comes to sex he can't keep his hands off me and he is constantly asking me if he is pleasing me!Then when it's over he is distant and lack of conversation again!Like tonight prior to movie and dinner we messed around, and during movie and dinner he put his hand on my leg, but no kissing or much talking!Then after dinner he started being affectionate again,so I knew what he wanted!And after he rarely holds me! Then when I left he walked me out and gave me a little peck and told me to drive safe and he would call me tomorrow!Is this normal!It makes me feel like he only wants me for sex,and god that hurts!How long do I continue to do this!How do I know he is not just using me?It's so hard to be intimate with him and not feel loved afterward!

jksmith, he is right to be on his guard as long as you still go to the same gym as the OM. He should not even consider taking you back in a serious manner until you demonstrate to him that you have taken extraordinary precautions to avoid the OM and end your affair.

His intimacy will grow as does his trust. But you have to EARN trust, jk. Start by behaving in a trustworthy manner by ensuring that you never see the OM again by quitting his gym.

He is not using you for sex. SF is the only EN that he will let you meet right now. The more he trusts you, the more he will want to meet your ENs. Recovery is a very LONG and TEDIOUS process. You cheated on your H. You are going to have to suck it up for a while and have faith that your BH will eventually work at meeting your needs.

Our situations (and husbands) sound incredibly similar ... Let me know if you want to talk.

If he files for a divorce and takes the steps to keep a divorce on track, THEN he's "just using you" for sex.

If he's not trying to divorce you ... he's having sex with the woman he loves who is also the woman who scares him because he is vulnerable to her after she hurt him.

jks,

"" but when it comes to sex he can't keep his hands off me and he is constantly asking me if he is pleasing me!Then when it's over he is distant and lack of conversation again""

Think of ALL the pictures in his head imagining you and OM together sexually. Think of what this does to him. So he is asking if he is pleasing you.

This is one of the biggest hurdles a BS must get past if he/she can ever get past it.

Maybe this is his way of coping with it. Maybe you should be doing as much as you can to assure and re-assure him that HE is the one... and the ONLY one.

IMHO

I constantly reassure him that he is the only one and that everything he does pleases me like no other!I always tell him he is amazing!I sent him a txt this morning that I loved spending time with him last night!What else should I do?

just be consistant

it was more than 2 years of RECOVERY before I was convinced my WH was truely in love with me ... being betrayed makes the BS doubt their own perception of reality... so, you being consistant will help ... be patient

Pep

So does anyone think it would be a bad idea to send H a txt telling him how much he means to me and reitterating my hopes that he may find his way back to me someday as well again taking responsibilty for all the hurt I have caused him!He said he would call today,but I have a feeling he is not going to!This seems to be the pattern these days!We spend a couple days together and then he stops calling for a while!God this is so hard!I'm surprised I have any tears left to cry!I don't want to bug him,or go overboard!What do you think?