This is a post that I wrote for lostsheep, but the same applies for you as well


Call him if you want, but keep it light. The biggest thing you need to do is be patient with the man. You ripped his heart out, and he is going to resent you if you push too hard to work things out quickly. He will think that you don't understand the pain he is going through (and I'm sure you don't).

thanks jmwc95 for such great advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i would send a brief text saying something like "thinking of you today and wanted you to know what a wonderful man i think you are" ... i would save apologies and all the other in-depth stuff for a face-to-face. just my 2 cents.

No ... so far he is just talking to and hanging out with a bunch of girls. I think it is his way of re-boosting his ego, which I can understand. I just hope nothing goes too far! I've been trying to stroke his ego as much as possible (without going overboard), but I guess its not enough from me. He says he's trying, but then acted like I was crazy for suggesting that he read SAA. In the meantime, I'll be doing my best to stroke his ego as much as I can and meet all his ENs so that he won't need anyone else.

Did you text your H yesterday? What happened?

Sounds exactly like what I have been hearing about my H!He's talking to a few girls but he says he is not interested in any!Yes I did txt him last night cuz he never called just like I thought!I just wrote that I thought he was a wonderful man,and always had been,and for him to have a good evening and sweet dreams!He txt back thanks and for me to have a great evening as well!I guess it's better than nothing!Just very discouraging when he says he will call and dosen't!I am doing my best to meet his EN's when I have the chance,and just keep letting him know I am here and thinking about only him!I guess it's all we can do now!Patience,perserverance,faith and hope!How has your H been the last couple days?R u going to counseling?How about your H?Mine says he dosen't want to go with me,but I keep going!He dosen't want to end our M,but dosen't want to make any effort to repair it!I pray someday he will!

jks,

I just finished reading all of your stich.

I agree with everything thing that you are being told.

I do have a question for you.

You leave your home every night after SF.

Is that his choice or yours?

If he is not pushing you out of the bed see if he will let you stay the night. Holding each other all night would be a good thing.

The other thing you state is he doesn't call you after even when he says he will.

Wait a couple of days then txt him, I can stop thinking about the other night would it be ok if I come over tonight.

SF is the only EN that he will let you fill. If you do this it shows him how much you want him.

One more thing when you txt him about how sorry you are and how much you love him he doesn't respond. So stop doing that. He does respond when you txt light things.

Let him decided when R & M talk happens.

just my .02.

Yeah - mine says he's not out trying to find someone new ... but he certainly didn't say he wasn't trying NOT to!

Its gotta be an ego thing ... showing you who's boss and who calls the shots.


He had a bit of a down spell yesterday ... then I have today. Yesterday he mentioned going to look for an apartment. I am in IC and we both decided to wait on MC for a bit. Mine says that he is trying as best he can, but the only effort I am seeing him give is being nice to me. I am not seeing any other efforts being made, and am beginning to think he was serious when he said he is only still married to me out of convenience. Today is a hard day for me and all I want is to feel close to him again ...

I feel your pain TFC!Although my H has never said he M me out of convenience!He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he never thought we would be apart!I think maybe that was just your H hurt talking!Mine keeps saying he is giving me a lot more than I gave him last year at this point,he is right!He also says the only reason we are still M is bcuz of him,right again!Anyway I think you're right about the ego thing and him being boss cuz I was in control all last year!He is calling the shots now,and he knows it!And he has gone a little over the top with his macho attitude,even friends have noticed that he seems to put on a big macho act when he is around me!He hasn't really been mean to me though cuz I don't let him!He is just very distant,unless we are intimate!Then he pulls me close and I feel somewhat loved!I know he still cares cuz I see it sometimes!And my H also says he wants things to work out and is trying,but right now he is ok with being alone!Just keep doing what you are doing girl!Don't give up!This is not going to be easy,but they are where they are cuz of what we did!Just love him even if he dosen't love back!Lead by example!And please keep me posted!It's nice having someone to relate to!

I have just been in tears all day ... he has been nice to me, but is seriously "checked out" of the M. Btw - he said that he is only STILL married to me out of convenience, he actually did love me at one point. Now though, I am beginning to wonder if he ever will again. I know it seems so selfish to want that so soon, but its so hard to heal myself with no love and support from him.

I'm sorry to threadjack, but is your name Elaine Benes? (Hoping someone catches the reference and joke here!)

Who is Elaine Benes?

I am so sorry TFC!Sometimes it feels so hopeless!And I also do the same thing and get my hopes up when I get a little positive,and then when he pulls away I fear things will never be the same and it makes me want to give up!But you just have to try and put yourself in his shoes,and think of how much he has been hurt,and what a wall he has built to avoid that hurt again!And yes it is very hard to heal with no love and support!That's what we are here for!Prior to finding this site I didn't think I could make it!I felt so lonely,and had nobody to talk to who could relate or guide me in the right direction!Just take it one day at a time and try not to dwell on the negative!Is he making any steps to get D?If not there is still hope!Think of the positive things!Believe me,I know it's hard!

Thanks for the advice gwtf!There has been a couple of nights he has assumed I was staying the night,but dosen't officially ask!Just acted surprised when i was leaving!I have stayed one night with him about a month ago!It was nice!He did hold me and made sure he was touching me at all times all night!And I would feel wierd inviting myself over!And what is R&M talk?

jk, are you ignoring my advice to quit that gym and end all contact with the OM?

Time for Change,
I compliment you for being on this board and looking for support and information on how to heal and re-build your marriage. Listen to what Mel is telling you. You need to quit that gym. I know you say he is telling you he does not want you to make big life changes over this. But listen, he does not know what he needs from you right now. He is not aware of how to heal right now. If you had konked him over the head with a cast iron frying pan, he would know what to do and would ask you to give him ice to put on his head. But with this situation, he does not know what to do.

You are the one that is seeking information. Use the information you get. This one is a biggie--leave that gym. Every time you walk in there it is a trigger for him.

Stick to the small compliments and safe conversations. Everytime you tell him he means the world to you and why cant't he see that (or words to that effect) you are telling him to just get over it. You have done a pretty good job a couple of times in keeping your compliments safe and you got a quick response from him.

I also compliment you on giving very specific information to this group so that you can be given good advice.

Keep up the good work. This work that you are doing is very good for you as a woman, not just as a wife.

Enjoy him and enjoy what he is able to give you right now. You worry about the SF and if he will respect you. Well, I am sure he can't really tell you why he is doing what he is doing and we can only guess based on our collective histories. But remember, you had SF with another man. This has got to be on his mind a lot. Maybe he is just trying to re-claim something from you that rightfully belonged only to him. Maybe he is just trying to assure himself that he can please you. Maybe he is tryinig to show you that he is a good lover. Any of these and many more are good reasons for you to take what he can give you right now and enjoy it.

But leave that gym.
Regards,
Lake

absolutely not ingoring you ML!I am currently looking for another gym to go to,and have had NC with the OM for months!

Dear JKSmith!

Regarding the sex thing:

To me it is obvious that your H is testing you to see to whom you now belong. He knows you were sexually the OM's woman. Now you claim you are back to your H. Given what you have done he wants to test how much there is to that claim. Remember, to your H your A was (is!) a powerful rejection of him. A rejection of him as a H, a rejection of him as a man and a rejection of him as your lover. To you the rejection probably was not an intended part. You probably just went for the exitement and the feel good. But to him rejection is the major part of the A.


And now you worry about his invitations being just for the sex? You gave everything to the OM. Emotionally and sexually you were his. It will at the best be a long time with consistent behavior on your part before your H even begins to trust your claim that you now are back. It will take even longer before you can drive away that last bit of doubt. Indeed, there is no promise that the last bit of doubt will ever quite go away.


In this sitution you have to earn back credibility to your role as wife and lover. I think it is unwise of you to play the "hard to get" game!

jk, you should quit that gym TODAY and tell your H you will never go there again. Going to that same gym is nothing but a direct threat to him and he shouldn't trust you for a second as long as you continue to insist on going to the same gym as the OM. How many times did he ask you to leave the OM's gym?

I agree wholeheartedly with Mel on this. So much so that for me (and I can only speak for myself as a BS) that I am certain one of my boundaries would be that you do not go to that gym.

For me....it's a small world. Every late spring my boys have a sports tournament that is about 80 miles from our house. This tournament started right around my D-day. By the next year I knew that this site was directly across the street from the airport that her OM flew his private jet to meet her, where she ran off for her booty call. I will never go back there again. I can't. To watch and hear private planes taking off killed me...all day long. This past year she understood....my sons do not....I can't do it. It's all about triggers.....and that gym is one...trust me....

hope it helps....

Thanks Frank!I am not playing hard to get anymore and I know you are all right about not going to the gym!And Mel my H has never asked to me stop going!Last night my GF and I went out for a drink,and my H was there with his snowmobile group of guys!It was a little wierd cuz he stayed in the corner with them for quite a while before he came and sat next to me after their coersion!!And even then he gave me little attention,mostly sexual and he was pretty drunk!His friends kept telling me that he loves me and talks about me all the time,but he dosen't ever tell me that or act like it!When we left he came and got in my car and told me to drive somewhere!Long story short,we had S in my car,and it was great!On our way back to his truck I started to cry,and he asked why!I told him it was hard to only have him S and not E!He said he wasn't using me,but was very attracted to me and S didn't require feelings and he didn't know if he could ever love me the same again,but was working on it,and it was worth it!He also said that my hurt couldn't compare to his cuz I had someone and he dosen't!I reaffirmed my love for him,and told him he was the only one I want!He said he knew,and was trying!Then he said goodbye and he would call me!As he walked away I called his name,and he said"what baby"and I said I loved him!I lost it when he called me baby bcuz he always used to call me that!I miss that so much!On my way home I sent a txt telling him I enjoyed my time with him,and that I loved him!No response!Maybe too much!I really feel like he is stuck and without help he will keep putting up his wall,but he will not seek help!My IC says he needs to express his hurt before he can move forward,but he just keeps avoiding it!He thinks I need to try and draw it out!God this is hard!I feel so lost!

Because he has given up. And he should give up until you quit the gym and DEMONSTRATE that you will put his interests above your affair and end all contact with the OM. I thought you wanted to get your H back?

Do you want to save your marriage or not?