Keep movin4ward!Where have you been?I have been following all this advice,when every part of me wants to do the opposite!I truly believe you are right about the respect and self-dignity thing!I don't think he will respect me if I keep sitting back and being a pushover because that is not me!I didn't respect him when he was being a pushover,but the minute he got strong,I wanted him back!I think if I keep letting him walk all over me,he will!I have made really poor decisions,but ultimately I am a good person and am doing everything I can to better myself and don't deserve disrespect!I love my H more than anything in the world,but if he is seeing someone else and lying to me and using me,then he is not the man I fell in love with!The only time I have really seen him make a move forward was when I told him to get a divorce!Within days he wanted to work things out!Although that changed,I think he realized I was serious!Maybe I should just lay down the law!What do you think?And how do I find that thread?

jk - he may NOT be with anyone else, he may just want you to THINK he is ... I truly believe that is what my H is doing, making me question what he's doing even though I can easily follow-up to find out the truth. Hold firm in some boundaries for yourself, but I wouldn't stop having sex with him yet. Just try be sure that you have equal time doing something that you enjoy (other than sex) in addition. Keep showing him how much you've grown and that you are going to continue self-improvement and self-respect so that you can improve and respect your M and H too! Hang in there ...

Hi jksmith.
Never left here. Never do. Just keep observing and studying for the most part. Just enjoying my wife and my life. Life is good.

The reason that you truly believe my advice about the self respect and dignity thing is because I AM right.

People with confidence, self respect and dignity and are secure with who they are don't need to do the things you are doing. It really is that simple. You are in a state of panic which will cause you to listen to others who have done the same things when they were in panic. (like having sex when YOU aren't sure if YOU want to just to meet his needs) I relate that as close to rape as one can come to. Your choice.

IF you want to have sex with him, then fine. It should be ONLY because you WANT to. Not to meet his needs, and not because you are AFRAID he may not come back. Pure and simple. And that IS what you are afraid of isn't it?

My signature line says it all. It is a simple message,but EXTREMELY POTENT and EFFECTIVE in getting someone back as well as SHOWING you how powerful those traits are in all walks of life, whether it be marriage,business, friendship or breakups. I have seen it again and again and again. Most on here want to credit their "great plan A", before going to plan B, when in reality, it is that the WS starts to see the principles that are in my signature line. This is why plan A almost never works, because too many go overboard trying to meet needs and lose their dignity and self respect and run out of gas doing it. When you have your self respect and dignity, one never runs out of gas.

Your solution is to learn to be a happy,productive person and turn your thoughts to enjoying your life JUST AS IT IS.
If he calls, ALWAYS be nice. No need to go overboard, but be nice and cordial. ALWAYS be busy with something in your life so that you can make the interactions short and sweet.
Tell him,"nice talking to you,but I have to run. Take care."
If he brings up your affair, then just tell him HE is RIGHT and your were wrong and you don't blame him for the way he feels. Then shut up.....

That's it. Over and over and over again..... If you want, you can call that plan A...... When you discover that you can be happy and WILL be happy with OR without him, is when you may see him make more of an effort back to you. OR maybe not. Those who try the hardest to get someone back are the ones most destined to fail.


Good luck... You are free to follow the others plan A advice about the sex. I will keep observing...

You know this is probably the best but hardest to follow advice. However, when I am at my wits end and I show kindness along with confidence and a whatever-will-be-will-be attitude, my H agrees to MC, tells me he isn't sure he's making the right decision by leaving, etc.

I am NOT a MB expert, but KMF is right on target with the confidence theme and happiness regardless of whatever happens.

Even though I am the BS while JKS and TFC are the WS, just about everyone who comes to MB is trying to get their spouse to 'check back into", "commit to", or "build a new" marriage...at least after the A is over. So in that sense, I was where you are...not too long ago.

My FWW was moving 6 hours away, right after New Year. I was trying to work plan A, meet her needs, no AO or DJ, but she was leaving no matter what. I knew that I couldn't stop her, and all I could do was work on myself, but throughout that time I wasn't truly happy, nor could I think about anything else other than her leaving. I tried not to let any of these feelings show (like plan A), but I think that other people (particularly our spouses) can sense our true feelings, no matter what we try to show on the outside.

One morning shortly after the New Year, I decided that I was not going to be unhappy anymore...that I could be content with myself whatever the outcome, I regained my confidence that day. FWW noticed the change in me that day, and commented on it. Later that day, I went out with my S for a couple of hours, and when I came back FWW had made a complete 180 in her desire to leave. She not only wanted to stay, but had taken the time when I was out to research marriage workshops and suggested that we attend one.

We have been in recovery since.

KM4ward,thanks for the advice!Things have not been good over the last week and I am feeling so discouraged!My sis called me the other night to tell me a friend of my H was in her work bragging about my H and his GF,who happens to be the girl he kissed at the beginning!I was completely devastated but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him first!I tried several times to call him that night and he never answered so I decided to go down to the house!When I showed up he was there and I asked him why he had not answered the phone,he said he didn't feel like talking,it was late!Man did that hurt!Anyway,I told him what I heard and he denied everything and said he would sware on a bible if I wanted!He said he had also heard things about me but it didn't really matter cuz it was my life!I told him there was noone else and I just wanted to be with him!He said the reason he hadn't been calling me was because he knew using me for sex hurt me!I asked why he didn't care,and how he could be so cold!He said,why didn't you care,and I was the one who cheated!I told him he was right!I asked him if he was ok with not being with me,and he said he didn't see himself loving me again!I told him I thought he was making a huge mistake and that he was giving up on someone who loved him more than life!He said maybe i am,and maybe someday I will realize that!I told him I would be by to get my stuff from the house next week!I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him,but I don't know what to do!He is so mean and cold!There was a charge on our account for a restaurant in a local casino last night!I am so afraid he was on a date!And my family and I were suppost to go to the casino last night and generally do on SAT,he knows that!Anyway,I know I probably screwed up by going down to the house!What do I do now?I feel like I am losing him!I don't want to give up!

jks,

Hey I was one that thought you should try to meet his EN's and maybe he would then feel like doin the same for you. Never meant for you to totally giveup your standards of self respect.

You have to own your own dignity and self respect. If being at his beck and call and he is not making any kind of move toward you then I would say no that is not acceptable.

There is most likely a reason for his current actions and it has nothing to do with you. I think you should find out.

Investigate, expose, and get after a plan A. He is now doing to you what you did to him.

If you want to make this M work you are going to have to fight for it. But you can't do it by being a doormat.

BTW I never did understand why you never moved back home after your A. It is your house too Right? or am I wrong.

No the house is no longer mine cuz I signed it off during the A!His dad told him to do itand I was in the fog and didn't even think twice about it until about a week later when I emerged!Then I did everything I could to stop it,but it was too late!And I think he is having a RA,but will never admit it,but I've been there and all signs point to it!I have been trying to find out who he was with at the casino last night but noone knows!I was considering just telling him someone saw him and asking who he was with!There was also a charge this morning for a restaurant in town for $30 for breakfast!Obviously he was not alone!And JKG how do I fight for this M if he is with someone else!I am so scared that I am going to lose him!

jk,

Well, the table have turned. Now you are the FWW and the BS and he is the WS. You need to treat it like any betrayed spouse here. The one difference is that you will need to acknowledge your past mistakes when exposing to others. How does your WH know this OW. If it is through work, then you need to expose to his employer. The KEY person for exposure is the OW. Find out who she is, how to contact her, and how to contact her parents. I'm sure that she won't be pleased that your WH is still sleeping with you. That may make the OW end it right there. If she doesn't, then let her parents know that she is dating YOUR husband. This will obviously make your WH furious, but like we say, a M can survive your spouse's anger, but it cannot survive an active A. If your H wants to move on and date other people, that's his right, but he needs to D you first. When he comes to you say that you were wrong to have an A and he is too. Tell him you understand why he is doing what he is doing, but that you are going to fight for him because you know that feeling can change. Yours did. Get this OW out of the picture, and I promise that he'll come back to you. Now you know how it feels to be a BS. Sucks, doesn't it? You put yourself in this situation, and you'll have to get yourself out of it.

Don't get overly emotional or talk about your R/M, but try and meet his ENs. I would consult a lawyer and see what your rights are about the house. You may have signed it over, but since you are still married, you may still have a right to move back in (it's still half yours regardless of what you signed away, it's community property). I would try and do so. It is much easier to work on your M when you see your spouse every day.

This situation is somewhat similar to mine!

A revenge affair.

Going to keep looking at this one very closely to see how it pans out. Wishing you the best jksmith!

Hard journey ahead for both of us but we can make it.

How are things going for you today jk? I'm thinking of you & praying for your M.

This has been my point since I first posted to you. Get busy Investigate, Expose and Plan A. That can best be done when you live together under the same roof.

Things are going pretty bad for me TFC!I feel like I am losing the battle!I spoke with him yesterday and asked him about the charge at the casino and he said it was two of his buddies and one of their wives!I didn't ask him about the breakfast charge though!If he is with someone why would he not just be honest?I was during my A!I asked him if he was done and wanted a D because I still believed in us and our M!He said he wasn't going to get a D but enjoyed being single right now and maybe it is just a phase he is going through!Nobody seems to want to tell me if they know anything about him being with another girl!I also know that his dad has been trying to set him up with girls cuz he made the mistake of asking my sisters best friend who happens to be my friend and knows the situation!Everyone keeps telling me to move back in,but he would think I was crazy if I asked and it is his house!I don't know what to do right now!I really feel like giving up,but I love him so much and don't want to lose him!How do I plan A if I don't know if there is someone else and we don't even talk!And I have no solid evidence and don't know how to get it!

jks

Well I;m not a expert by any means. But still feel that you should pack a bag go and say "Honey I'm Home". You are married to him and your place is in his home with him. Then start being the W he needs you to be not the BS he making you now.

He isn't single, he's married. Tell him that he didn't enjoy when you were acting single even when you were married.


MOVE BACK IN!!! I don't care if you signed over your life to him, it is NON-BINDING!!! You are his WIFE and it is COMMUNITY PROPERTY! Call up a lawyer and get an injunction to get back in if you have to. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! DON'T LET HIM WALK ALL OVER YOU BECAUSE YOU SCREWED UP! You have paid your penance, and he'll stop walking all over you when you stop letting him. GET BACK IN THE HOUSE! Do you want to save your marriage or not? Everyone is telling you to move back in. Who cares what he thinks? He is cheating on you now (and it doesn't matter who cheats on who first, it's all wrong).


Go on the "Just Found Out" forum and read the first few posts that are stickied at the top for newly betrayed spouses. This is how you need to handle the situation. The first thing that those threads will tell you is to MOVE BACK IN!!! If you want to save your M, please listen to me. Yes, it will create much more DRAMA in the short term, but affairs need to be snapped in the butt before the partners get in even deeper. Tell the OW (the one that he kissed) that you are his W, you are working on your M with him, and that you are having SF with him. This should chase her away fairly quickly (but you need to do this before she gets emotionally invested too much).

You have a homework list, so go and do it and let us know how it turns out. I tell every BS this, it will get worse before it gets better, but the more they fuss, the better job you are doing. Remember, conflict is better than withdrawal. Get him back into conflict. Meet his ENs, and no LBing. Remember, confidence is sexy. Don't be an emotional wreck. Tell him that you are moving back in, and don't put up with his wayward BS. Be strong and firm.

I hear ya! My H is being the same way. I lost my cool tonight and told him if he wanted to leave so bad, there's the door. That really ticked him off - major LB! I apologized, but man I was mad!


And no one will ... I have even considered hiring a PI just so I know for sure!


I do have to agree that even though it is hard to live together during this, I think it creates a better opportunity for reconciliation ... but what do I know? My H has COMPLETELY checked out of our M and won't spend hardly any time with me, unless he wants sex (much like yours).


I am with you here too! I have so much anger toward him right now because of his whole separate life. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is feeling angry toward me for my previously separate life too. I am trying to hold it together as much as possible, but feel like I keep coming up short. How in the heck do you Plan A when you are angry, hurt, sad, lonely? Someone here must have some advice on that subject! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You need info on the OW. Get it. If that means getting a PI, do it. You need the info so you can expose. Count on NOT getting the info from your husband.

I know who she is ... I have met her many times. Who am I going to expose to? His friends are all completely against reconciling with me since I cheated (first). His family doesn't know about my A yet. Who do I expose to???

His friends, his family, OW FAMILY AND FRIENDS! When you expose to his family and friends you are going to have to own up to your mistakes and not make excuses for them.

His friends are supportive of him getting out of our M ... they WANT him to see other people, they will be of NO help to me. Her friends are also friends with him and his friends ... they all see this as OK. His family will be devastated, but it may be the only choice.