Thanks MEDC,I appeciate your concern and help!I spoke with one of my really good friends who i work with tonight,and it is her bday this weekend and she is having a party at her house and invited both me and my H!She told me she spoke to him today and he said he was not going to come if I was going to be there cuz he didn't want to be around me!He also asked her how she dealt with it when her H had an A,and she said he showed her he changed and she loved him!My H told her he didn't see himself getting over it!I seriously almost lost it at work again!Does that mean he has given up?And if so why hasn't he asked for a D and why was he concerned that I knew he was not dating anyone!I am so confused and discouraged!Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much and it would be easier to let go!But the truth is I would give anything and everything in this world to feel his love again!
We all understand that. Shoot, I believe he understands that. But let me explain something here JK that you appear to still not get.
You see, inside him, he knows what he has with you. He knows he loves you, and all the other things you posted a few posts up here. He has said them to you.
But inside this man is a battle going on. He is NOT at war with you...he is at war with himself! It is not YOU that he distrusts...he does not trust himself! What do I mean?
As I said, he loves you. He has all of these feelings towards you. He married you! He counted on what you said and did for him. He counted on your love for him. And then you pulled the rug out from under him.
He cannot understand how it is that one moment, you tell him you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him...and the next you are shacking up with another guy. And then the next moment you say you love him again.
Do you understand his confusion? He doesnt know what to believe!
He believes he is the biggest fool in the world...that he believed you when you said you loved him. He believed you when you promised to be with him always...and be faithful to him. He believed that he made a good choice!
But now, he cannot trust himself. He believes he is a fool! And now he hears you saying all of these things to him again...and there are alarms going off in his head. "You gonna be a fool a second time? You gonna believe this again? Are you an idiot?" And so on.
But inside him...even with all of this going on...the truth still exists. Inside him, he knows you love him. He knows you made a huge error in judgment. He knows you would take it all back if you could.
The battle is between the truth and his fears. You hurt him...bad! You rocked his entire world, right down to the core. He doesnt even trust himself with any decisions right now. I am willing to bet he is even having trouble making decisions at work. He does not trust himself.
Now, this is where your husband is at. Due to your actions, your marriage is here right now. No amount of wishing or sweeping things under the rug is going to change this.
So, what is your plan? You going to keep pushing your love on him? You going to keep trying to force him to make a decision? Because I will tell you this JK...as badly as he hurts right now, if you force him to make a decision right now...he will run! Count on it. And all of this activity, all of this frantic "I love you's", etc is doing nothing but putting pressure on him to make a decision.
Let me put it another way real quick. Women need men's love. But men need women's respect. When you went with the OM, you showed the most blatant disrespect to a man that can ever be shown. I think you understand that now! But, as you continue to try to push on him...you continue to show him disrespect. He says he needed space to get his head on straight...and you push. Is that being respectful of him?
Now, I have a caveat. I, in no way, condone him in his adultery right now. He is wrong about that...and he knows it. This OW has no chance with him, because he knows he is wrong. He knows the relationship is wrong. He is feeling even worse now because of it.
So, what does he need from you? Well, JL and others above did a very good job outlining the most important thing and that is to work on YOU! Get YOU straight so when he does return, you will be prepared for the work that lies ahead. Believe me, recovery is MUCH harder than doing Plan A and Plan B!!
The second thing you need to do is to change right now the way you are relating to your husband. I am NOT saying to disappear! What I am saying is to show him respect. Now, you dont have to condone his affair. But considering where things are, I would even say you shouldnt even talk to him about that right now. To keep any interactions between you about only the two of you. Remember what I said? This OW has no chance of making it. She is a rebound...someone he ran to. A port in a storm. He wont stay there...he will want to sail home.
But that will be up to you. Using that port analogy, he is only going to leave that port once the storm ends and he can safely return home. But you continue to help the winds and rain to continue to fall.
What he needs is quiet. I dont mean disappear or not talk to him. What I mean is he needs you to be his friend right now. He needs you to listen...even when he isnt talking (figure that one out!!). He is going to need to know that his home port is still there...that even though it was damaged in the storm, that by the time of his return, it will be fixed and he will be safe again.
As someone said above...you screwed up royally. But yo uare still his wife...and he is still your husband. No one can replace that. And as his wife, you need to do what you have to do to help lead him home. And that is be his friend, show him respect...and get you together!
All of the things you are hearing him tell others tells me that he is on the fence and is trying to figure things out. If you try to pull him your way though, he will just fall off the fence onto the otherside. Instead, just sit down. Relax. Be quiet for a little while. Let God work on him. Begin to put together a home and a wife that will entice him to make the decision to come home.
If you do, I have no doubt he will return.
You have made some very bad decisions...and your husband has reaped the whirlwind because of them. Please dont make any more bad ones! Calm down...settle down. This is nowhere over. Let him get thru the battle with himself.
